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Emilee

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My front facing camera broke on my phone, making my already limited picture taking even MORE limited. Have a throw back from last spring. I have a blog post in the works. Life has been kinda nutty, my laptop *also* bit the dirt, and things have been kind of overwhelming. Y’all are always on my mind, though! You’ll be hearing from me soon. 💕
Classes yesterday brought to you in part by @leakycon (I don’t usually dress up for costume week, but i do try and incorporate Harry Potter to some degree 🤷🏼‍♀️)
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My friend Bailey and her company @companythreesixty made this and I have no more words to add. It’s perfect. #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ Why didn’t I report? I didn’t report because I thought that if I’m in a relationship with someone, it meant it was equally my fault. I thought the years of unhealthy feelings towards myself which ensued, were still invalid since it could have been worse. I thought I shouldn’t tell my Momma until a couple of years later on a beautiful mountain walk together, and even then, I softened the story from shame for how I’d appear to the person I love the most. I didn’t report because we live in a world where men use sentences like “it can always be worse” as psychological shrapnel. A world that tells us we should have done more to stop it. A world that, even when I remember the attempts to push away as clearly as consciousness cinema, I was scared to push too hard because I didn’t want to make someone mad. A world that makes me worry at sharing, because I have young students and ‘should be a role-model’: with a role model being pure, respectable, elite, undamaged. Now, a mother, wife, champion, boss... I still worry to report as innocuously as through a #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, lest I somehow appear less for having shared. But as someone who’s survived a darkness far worse than that described, and Shawshanked her way to a life of light- save for second glances over shoulders- I can say that the hardest person to report to is actually... yourself. It’s the you that you had once hoped to be. The you that you’ll never be again. The you that you wish you could go back and protect. The you you wish you had been (louder, less in shock, less weak). The you that once was but was taken. To all the Yous you once were reading this (and the You in me who still feels cemented by shame)... this should never have happened. It doesn’t matter how loud, quiet, forceful... how well you knew them.... You didn’t deserve to lose You because your body wasn’t left as yours. None of us do. None of us ever will. There is no good way to end this bit of writing, because the truth is: it hasn’t ended. A perfect sentence will not wrap this up. Y
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Excuses, excuses.

My stomach finally started feeling better on Sunday, and I was hopeful I would be able to make it to class this week.

Then on Sunday night, my sinuses decided I needed a swift kick in the face.

Already exhausted from the overload of pushing through last week, having simple sinus issues makes sleeping weird. I oddly enough could still breathe through my nose mostly, so that wasn’t horrible, but it caused me to have weird dreams and restless sleep, almost feeling like I didn’t sleep much at all, even though I knew I had.

I still went to work. Still made it through the day. Still hoped it would all be okay and once I got going I’d do better. Which I did, for the most part, but by 5 o’clock, I was wiped out. On Monday, reluctantly, I went home.

But today is Wednesday. And today is another opportunity for a class. A great class. I went to be hopeful that I would be well enough to go. Then I woke up and the medication I took left me feeling even weirder, and the prospect of getting to stay for class seemed less and less.

I did finally get to go to the chiropractor yesterday. Even he was like, “I haven’t seen you in ages!” and I’m wondering if having missed for so long may even play a factor into it. (I haven’t had sinus issues in about six years.) But, unfortunately, I just don’t think staying for class is going to happen again today.

My mind is doing a number with me on this one:

“You always have an excuse. You’re never going to get back into the studio if you succumb to every one of them. When will enough be enough? Stop being lazy.”

But see, that’s just it. I’m not being lazy.

Unfortunately, sometimes you have to take time. Sometimes you have to factor in that pushing through could do more harm that good. And even if it lasts longer than  a month, sometimes that’s what it takes.

I successfully avoided the burnout I experienced last year where I had worked my first tax season and made it through Swan Lake, having to take four days off work following being unable to get out of bed. But that doesn’t mean I’m out of the woods. Even with all my precautions, my body is still protesting. And though I don’t want to, I have to listen. If I ignore this, it could be more harm than good.

Thankfully I’m still able to enjoy things like watching my company and my friends company and companies I don’t know perform at the Regional Dance America National Festival, where they are live streaming their performances each of the nights. (The link is here.) I’m able to remain inspired, even if I can’t participate. I was supposed to go with them this year, but unfortunately, that fell through. It’s a blow knowing they’re taking class from one of my all time favorite ballerinas, Lauren Anderson, but it’s still cool knowing that my babies are there and they’re getting to do it still, even if I can’t join them. I’m so proud of them and all they’re accomplishing.

Also, the dance world via instagram is leading to new friendships and fun connections, like last night when someone commented on my story of watching the live stream, causing us to realize she went to the same studio one of my friends now goes to since they moved. The world is small and incredible.

If you follow me and haven’t yet, please introduce yourself! I’d love to get to know you, especially if I don’t follow you yet. Sometimes new follows get lost in a surge or happen on a day I can’t check my account and I miss them. I don’t want to miss them.

Hope you all are well!

This entry was posted in dance.
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