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My front facing camera broke on my phone, making my already limited picture taking even MORE limited. Have a throw back from last spring. I have a blog post in the works. Life has been kinda nutty, my laptop *also* bit the dirt, and things have been kind of overwhelming. Y’all are always on my mind, though! You’ll be hearing from me soon. 💕
Classes yesterday brought to you in part by @leakycon (I don’t usually dress up for costume week, but i do try and incorporate Harry Potter to some degree 🤷🏼‍♀️)
New blog post, link in bio!
My friend Bailey and her company @companythreesixty made this and I have no more words to add. It’s perfect. #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ Why didn’t I report? I didn’t report because I thought that if I’m in a relationship with someone, it meant it was equally my fault. I thought the years of unhealthy feelings towards myself which ensued, were still invalid since it could have been worse. I thought I shouldn’t tell my Momma until a couple of years later on a beautiful mountain walk together, and even then, I softened the story from shame for how I’d appear to the person I love the most. I didn’t report because we live in a world where men use sentences like “it can always be worse” as psychological shrapnel. A world that tells us we should have done more to stop it. A world that, even when I remember the attempts to push away as clearly as consciousness cinema, I was scared to push too hard because I didn’t want to make someone mad. A world that makes me worry at sharing, because I have young students and ‘should be a role-model’: with a role model being pure, respectable, elite, undamaged. Now, a mother, wife, champion, boss... I still worry to report as innocuously as through a #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, lest I somehow appear less for having shared. But as someone who’s survived a darkness far worse than that described, and Shawshanked her way to a life of light- save for second glances over shoulders- I can say that the hardest person to report to is actually... yourself. It’s the you that you had once hoped to be. The you that you’ll never be again. The you that you wish you could go back and protect. The you you wish you had been (louder, less in shock, less weak). The you that once was but was taken. To all the Yous you once were reading this (and the You in me who still feels cemented by shame)... this should never have happened. It doesn’t matter how loud, quiet, forceful... how well you knew them.... You didn’t deserve to lose You because your body wasn’t left as yours. None of us do. None of us ever will. There is no good way to end this bit of writing, because the truth is: it hasn’t ended. A perfect sentence will not wrap this up. Y
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Teaching on my birthday is my favorite thing. Hi, I’m 30, and I gave full sized cupcakes to three year olds and I’m sure their parents hate me

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Nutcracker Cast List 2017

People have asked me how it feels coming into nutcracker  season this year. 

Usually I’m gearing up along side the other dancers to tackle auditions, wait for the cast list to come out, and begin rehearsals. Then there’s the costume fittings and photo shoots and everything else that goes along with it. 

How does it feel? It’s weird. Weird, because it feels right but also like a part of me is missing. Weird, because it wasn’t entirely my choice to be in this position. Weird because I don’t know where things will go from here, how I even got to this place, or what to expect. Weird because everything is different. 

The cast list came on on Monday, and I’m on it. 

No, I’m not Rose and Snow, like the rest of the girls in the level I rose up in. I’m not even on the list for a role that technically requires dance shoes. I am on the cast list as a Party Parent. 

And I’m so excited. 

How is it that someone who was dancing in the advanced core roles just this past spring is excited about going from that to a role that is typically filled by adults on the board or dancers parents? 

Because since I started to realize that I’m not okay and something is wrong in my body, I didn’t think I’d get on the stage again. I didn’t think I’d be able to be a part. I thought my nutcracker days were behind me, except maybe being backstage helping with props. (Which would still be super fun.) but there’s something about the rush of the costumes and the lights and the music and the audience. I love being on stage. Being a Party Parent gives me that opportunity again. 

The party dad I’m with is a good friend of mine, as well, guaranteeing that this will be SO much fun. I’m excited to be around the kids that will be in the party scene, and thrilled to get to dance with my babies that are Clara this year. 

Life is weird. It keeps throwing blows at me. It could tear me apart make me feel defeated, or I can roll with the punches and take things as they come. I can choose to be grateful to have such a wonderful place that allows me to dance with them, instead of crying about the fact that I can’t be what I once was. It takes time to get to this place, and sometimes it’s harder to be here than others, but regardless I am so grateful. It’s going to be fun. 

If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you’ll know about one of my favorite family’s in the entire world–the Rowland’s. I danced with Cheyanne when they lived here and her sister Sarah is one of my babies. Their mom, Jacie, adopted me into the fold when I first came to the studio and has grown to become one of my most cherished friends. Due to hurricane Harvey madness, they had to come down to take care of some things with their house down here, meaning they were mere minutes from my house. 

I saw them last night at the studio, and then again this morning and y’all my heart is so happy. I haven’t seen them since they moved a year and a half ago. Getting to hug their necks and hear their stories and meet their pet squirrel as they get to meet my dog, it was so great. I’m so freaking happy. 

They leave tonight and I don’t know when I’ll get to see them again, but the couple hours we had made the world feel right again, even though so much has changed and we live among destruction. 

I’m sad they’re going back home, but I’m so excited for the opportunities they have where they are, and for the time I got to see them. Not to mention for their ongoing friendships! 

This entry was posted in dance.
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