This has been a really difficult week, to say the least.
Those little things that cut you down and get under your skin seemed to come from every direction and pile up all at once.
To say I’m grateful for ballet and what it has given me in this life would be an understatement. I know I’m not currently well enough to take classes, but I still reap beautiful benefits from this community and family I’ve found myself in.
I have cherished friends that can tell something is off, take the time to check in on me, and listen to me as I completely shatter in a way I haven’t in I couldn’t tell you how long, blubbering through everything weighing so heavily on me. I can’t tell you how many times people avoid it, or don’t look close enough to see that anything is wrong, or if they do they don’t take the time to inquire. I was really struggling that day, and the fact that someone cared enough about me not only to reach out, but to attentively listen as I verbal vomited all over the place meant more to me than I have words for.
I know I’m not the greatest ballet teacher to ever walk the planet. I have much to learn and countless ways to improve, but I teach some of the greatest kids on the planet. They’re fun and silly and determined and their hearts absolutely burst with kindness. They may have no clue that I was ugly crying moments before they’re class, but they just run up to me and hug me out of nowhere. Then they proceed to focus and pay attention and be patient as we work out a difficult part of recital positioning.
That trend carried to my Friday and Saturday classes as well, though my older girls could do with a bit more focus. It can be difficult when it’s the first class on a rainy Saturday morning, and only 3 of the 12 are on time.
All in all, today was a great ballet day. I taught my classes, as well as covered a 4-5 year old class in between and taught a private afterwards. The class I covered went surprisingly well. That age can be particularly difficult, but I think the odds went in my favor and that the allure of a new teacher played well for me. The two girls I had a private with made my heart burst. One is brand new to ballet and coming in recital seasons, the other has health troubles and has to miss a bunch. I was beyond excited their mom’s approached me about working one-on-one. Not only does it help them understand better and learn more, it will help having them know what’s going on to sort of direct the rest of the girls who either don’t want to be there or don’t care to focus as much. It helps them feel more confident in what they’re doing, especially when the tempo picks up. It also helps give them a good base off of which to practice at home.
I was a bit nervous that such a full day today would leave me exhausted. I haven’t done that much ballet back-to-back in I don’t know how long. But, it didn’t. I’m tired, yes, that doesn’t go away, but simultaneously I felt alive. It was energy well worth using, and being able to come home and try to get work done while laying in bed was nice. I wish I had more time to get things done at the speed I’m able, but that’s the way things go right now and I’m making the best of it as I can.
I’ll get through the dark days. I’ll work hard and push through when I want to give up. I’ll do that. But it sure makes the load a little lighter to have kind people there to walk beside you in the darkness, and celebrate with you when the light is finally shining through again. The tunnel is still very dark, but the light at the end is getting closer. I’ll get there one day, and I’ll keep fighting until I do.
Started ballet late October of 2011 at the age of 23.
Began pointe training late August of 2013.