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My friend Bailey and her company @companythreesixty made this and I have no more words to add. It’s perfect. #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ Why didn’t I report? I didn’t report because I thought that if I’m in a relationship with someone, it meant it was equally my fault. I thought the years of unhealthy feelings towards myself which ensued, were still invalid since it could have been worse. I thought I shouldn’t tell my Momma until a couple of years later on a beautiful mountain walk together, and even then, I softened the story from shame for how I’d appear to the person I love the most. I didn’t report because we live in a world where men use sentences like “it can always be worse” as psychological shrapnel. A world that tells us we should have done more to stop it. A world that, even when I remember the attempts to push away as clearly as consciousness cinema, I was scared to push too hard because I didn’t want to make someone mad. A world that makes me worry at sharing, because I have young students and ‘should be a role-model’: with a role model being pure, respectable, elite, undamaged. Now, a mother, wife, champion, boss... I still worry to report as innocuously as through a #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, lest I somehow appear less for having shared. But as someone who’s survived a darkness far worse than that described, and Shawshanked her way to a life of light- save for second glances over shoulders- I can say that the hardest person to report to is actually... yourself. It’s the you that you had once hoped to be. The you that you’ll never be again. The you that you wish you could go back and protect. The you you wish you had been (louder, less in shock, less weak). The you that once was but was taken. To all the Yous you once were reading this (and the You in me who still feels cemented by shame)... this should never have happened. It doesn’t matter how loud, quiet, forceful... how well you knew them.... You didn’t deserve to lose You because your body wasn’t left as yours. None of us do. None of us ever will. There is no good way to end this bit of writing, because the truth is: it hasn’t ended. A perfect sentence will not wrap this up. Y
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Teaching on my birthday is my favorite thing. Hi, I’m 30, and I gave full sized cupcakes to three year olds and I’m sure their parents hate me
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Gotta get back to Hogwarts Gotta get back to school Gotta get myself to Hogwarts Where everything is magicooooool
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Giselle rehearsals.

We’re in the last month of rehearsals before Giselle in April here at my home studio.

I knew it would be different not being as involved as usual, but I don’t know that you can really prepare yourself for all the emotions that come with it. Some days I just want to dance. The fact that that is nowhere near an option can be heart breaking, even if it’s something I’ve known for a few months.

I was going through my Instagram timeline yesterday, curious to see what kind of fade has really happened since I’m not in a studio 6 days a week anymore. It was fascinating. Even now, I’m early to rehearsal, watching the warm up class I used to take, remember what it felt like to retain the combinations, work your body to try to meet the expectations, and figure out new things with movements you’ve done daily for years now. I miss the “good sore” feeling. I miss the sweat breaking on my forehead. I miss the pressure of the pointe shoe against my foot and toes. Is that weird? Maybe.

Since we had program pictures yesterday, I wore my contacts. I was also late to my picture time since it started 15 minutes before my class across town ended. It was fine, though, they understood and worked with me with no problem. This is the first group of kids I’ve had that have never seen me without my glasses. Some of them were really taken back by it, not sure if it was me at first. Most figured out that I was wearing make up and my hair was in a bun and I wasn’t wearing glasses. Even some of the parents commented and asked what the occasion was. Which is kinda funny. You don’t really realize how different things are when it’s a slow fade until you look back and see all the changes.

It was spring break so many of my students in my first class were missing. It worked out, though, because I was able to really go over the transitions with them. When I have all of them back, it’ll help to have half the class already know what’s going on.

It’s been fun being able to be at rehearsals with my friends again, even if I’m not dancing with them this time. The atmosphere is the same, and it’s comforting. I try not to take for granted every opportunity I have to be in the studio and around this art form, even if it’s different than before.

The studio is closed this next week for spring break. I’ll miss my little nuggets, but will be excited when we’re all back together.

This entry was posted in dance.
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