(They got the fire out 45 minutes before I had to leave for recital. 7 different fire stations came to assist so my house is still standing. Yay!)
Another season is in the books.
Which is weird, really.
Many things are changing, which are difficult to have to handle and stuff, but we’ll take it as it comes.
Recital got rolling, we ran the girl-only version (plus Sean) of sixes since it was different only having one out of three of the guys in the piece.
Saturday was a way shorter program than Friday, and it seemed that almost all of the baby classes ended up on Friday as well. I largely got to sit back and wait to dance, then just stand around and watch the dances. It was fun, really, especially hanging out with my friends backstage. That’s some of the best.
(Hehehe)
I felt like sixes was better on friday, but it seemed everyone else felt better Saturday. Oh well.
One of my favorite people is moving, making yesterday’s show her last one with us. (At least for now.) I’m excited for the potential the new studio she’ll be dancing at gives her, and how much she can grown being there. I’m grateful she’s moving to a place they’re familiar with, having lived there once before (and moving for her dads job.) I’m grateful for having her for the last two years, and knowing that we have a friendship where distance doesn’t matter. They’re family. It’s gonna be rough having to adjust to not having her mom there to avoid people with before class, or taking one or two of them home on long days, or following each other home until my house when they keep going the extra bit to their house. The mutual middle of nowhere ness. I’m gonna miss hugging and laughing with and encouraging each other all throughout classes and the season. It’s gonna suck. But it’s good for the family, which makes me grateful even if it’s hard not to be a little selfish.
So this post is largely an I-miss-you post to the Rowland’s, and that’s okay by me.
I love you, Cheyna.
Also, have some pictures and boomerangs from back stage
It’s been quite the season.
I’ve learned and grown more than I’ve ever expected, but I still have far to go.
Summer starts in a couple weeks, and before that we have classes available to us on Wednesdays.
I’m uncertain of what I’ll take next year, seeing as there is a change in teachers as well with some moving and all.
We’ll take it as it comes. Work and hard and move forward.
I was super nervous going into the show yesterday. I had never felt so unprepared going into a performance. I found myself clenching my teeth throughout the day which was giving me a headache.
It still didn’t feel like show day, even standing on that stage. How is it that the dances I have been so concerned about and are such a big deal one moment will be completely irrelevant the next.
We got there and started getting ready the best we could before all meeting downstairs at 6:30. The sixes had a warm up with Julie, where she told us of the time Paloma Herrera was on that very stage as our guest artist. (WHAT?! Why was I not dancing as a kid?!) we started on our backs in a “starfish.” Laying with our hands and feet in an x.
Deep breathing, then moving our feet through to the ankles to sort of move the body, causing it to relax. We rolled up and forward, and eventually getting up and doing further things to warm up. I really enjoyed it. We went over the end of our dance to try a change and see if we liked it at all or if it was effective. It was, so we made the change and decided to meet there at intermission to go over it again.
The show got rolling, but not before Ms Munro introduced all the teachers and assistants and graduating seniors. I was told about it last second as I was running around getting babies together and making sure everything was ready for the show. I saw my parents in the audience, which I was grateful to be able to do so I knew where to look during the show. Then I took this,
My parents areeeeee,
There. 🙂
I was glad to see they were able to get seats in their favorite row.
I was upstairs with the babies like last year. We had some great volunteers, which was extremely effective. Without them we’re nothing. Or at least things get super complicated without them. They got everyone in order, took some to the bathroom last second, and comforted crying little ones. We took them down in their dance order and sat them down until their turn. A few girls only had themselves with a group of about 15-19 kids, and they kept them together and in order and quiet. I was super impressed. There was a moment when one dance ended and we didn’t know where their group leader was. I was walking near them when Ms Munro asked who was in charge of them. No one answered, so I grabbed the hand of the front girl and said, “welp, I am now. I can take them” and counted the girls and lead them upstairs. Thankfully, it was a group that was in the room I was in at the beginning so I was aware of them. By the time we got to where their parents would pick them up, the volunteers had caught on, so I was able to go back down watch my babies dance. The other dance I was helping with (the one with a bajillion littles and only one Mia) was hilarious. They were 3 & 4 year olds, one just walked forward and twirled until she got dizzy. It was hilarious. Then they all just stood their when they were finished dancing and I was glad I remembered one of the girls names so I could get her attention and tell her to follow the girls. It was hilarious.
I was so proud of my tiny babies. (Okay, they’re all six now. Whatevs.) they did so great and were so cute. A few were crying before (those were M.E.’s babies 😉 ) but they got out there and danced. M.E. and I were talking about how much potential there is in that class. I really hope I get to watch them grow into beautiful dancers, because if they keep with it they’re bound for it. And it gives me chills to know I’ve had a part in that, even if it’s just a small one.
I followed them up to their dressing room to hug them and tell them how great they did. A few of them didn’t have their moms them and asked me to help them change. They don’t trust many, so I stayed and helped. Then I saw a mom come up, realized it was intermission, and realized I was late. I said bye to the girls and ran down three flights of stairs to backstage, right as everyone was coming off from running Julie’s ballet. So I ran up another two flights to our dressing room (one flight? However you want to count it) so I could get ready for Mrs Alex’s ballet and get everything for my quick changes together.
I was freaking out a bit, the feeling of not being prepared weighing heavily. A fear of missing something or forgetting something looming. I got ready, got all my stuff together, and went down to the stage left quick change (thanks Elizabeth!) to set up. I almost forgot to set up for the second one, forgetting I wouldn’t have time to between.
We got everything together and waited side stage, watching the dances before us. The pointe shoes I had for ballet V’s hurt my feet immensely in weird places, but I hoped it’d be like Swan Lake where once you got started dancing you’d forget about it and worry more about the moves. I didn’t do as badly as I thought, but still messed up a few times, including the notorious part of the develope, shasay, jete where I developed the wrong leg. Every. Time. Oh well, it could have been worse.
I found a way to kneel without putting too much pressure on the welt that has developed from falling, so that was exciting. I managed to do all the pique turns and, thanks to Cheyanne in front of me, got the arms right. The turns were a hot mess, but they were done.
I didn’t realize until we were walking off that I had to cross the back of the stage for the quick change. There was a crowd of people in the wings I had to run though (thankfully they were considerate) and I ran through the back walkway and the lights went out. I couldn’t see anything stage left and stumbled over a pile of poles that were back there then stumbled into the dressing room. Nina, the other girl in the quick change with me, found her way in as well and we stumbled through the darkness until the next dance started and the lights came up. Annika found her way in to help me and I changes tights and costumes while she took my hair out of the bun, brushed it out, and gave it a side braid. We made it out in time, and I was able to find the girls and tell them about the pools of light and how they were marked for us to find them.
It wasn’t until we were waiting for the black out that I realized I hadn’t gone over the dance that day, and hoped I didn’t forget anything. I decided to just go for it, trusting my instincts and the fact that I did it correctly at rehearsal. Surely muscle memory will kick in, right? The music started and the lights fell onto each of us in turn as we started and connected on to each other. I got up a little quicker than usual to catch on to the trio, which worked out so I wasn’t late there since one of the other girls was missing and we had to compensate for her spot. I did the part with the trio and it was pretty rough, but that’s okay. It was across the back so I don’t know that anyone knew really. Or cared. We kept going, and I didn’t forget any of the combinations (yay!) and changed the last bit like I was supposed to. So the only time I’ve ever done the dance fully correct was during the performance 😂 but it felt good. I really wish we had a lyrical class that I could take. I’ve always wanted to, but never knew if I’d be any good at it since it was new and id never attempted it before. But I figured I had tried tap for the time and ballet was new to me once so why not? I’m really grateful to have been a part of that dance and that class.
Once again, we exited the opposite side I needed to be on, so I had to run around again. There was at least a blue out so I didn’t trip over anything. Annika was back there so I got to switch tights while she tried to get my hair in a bun. It looked like a beehive, but dang it, it was up and sprayed and it didn’t fall out.
Andie saved my life by running by the dance store here in town (shout out Avant) and picking me up some black ballet flats. They were the perfect size and I was able to do sixes probably one of the best times I’ve done it, though I didn’t hold the partnering as long as I was supposed to. Still, it went well.
When it was all said and done, I went backstage to get all my stuff from quick change, and as I was walking with the arm full, one of the moms asked if I was okay. It was crazy that there was this surge of adrenaline, just to have it end as fast as it began. Sort of a somber feeling. I dropped my stuff upstairs then went out to find my parents.
I found my sweet Hanna first, and hugged the heck out of her. Her little sister dances with us and it just makes me so happy to still have that family actively in my life. I love them so much.
We went downstairs and I found Emerson and hugged her. It was so good to see her, too. It’s weird not having her in class, but hopefully she heals quickly and will be back to us.
Adriennes mom came up to me and hugged me and said, “Oh my goodness, Emilee, that second dance you did, you were so beautiful. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you! I had to come and find you and tell you. That is your style of dance. I mean, you do ballet well too, but you come alive in that.” I was left speechless. To have my friends mom tell me such kind things, honestly, it was like a dream come true. I want people to feel something when I dance. I want the depths of me to come alive in stage. People may not know my story, but they can feel something and take what they need from it on stage. That’s my goal. And it happened.
I found my parents after that
(Thanks, Hanna, for the picture!)
And they were happy. It made me really happy that they came. Dad ended up getting free parking for being a veteran, which was really cool and so appreciated since he’s had trouble with his knee lately. They told me they could see which one was me and that I did really well. Mom liked the lyrical and dad liked the advanced ballet. I just loved having them here.
Now there’s a brush fire close to our house. So hopefully they can get it under control and I can still make tonight’s performance. It’s looking like it should be, but still uncertain.
Last night, I only had one dance to rehearse for Saturday’s recital performance. I would have only had dances on Friday, but the Advanced dances are both nights, so I have the Advanced Ballet, which had it’s rehearsal yesterday.
I sharpied my shoes, remembered my black tights for the costume, and was ready to go.
I got there super early and watched the other dances ahead of mine. We were relatively on time this go through, so that was nice. I really liked the dances I saw yesterday. They were clean and the dancers were showcased well. I didn’t see all of them, mind, but the ones I did were lovely.
And the little kids are absolutely adorable. As always.
I hung out in the audience with a couple of my friends and one of the little dancers. I know her Dad from my old job, and had met her before. She is so cute and makes any day brighter. And her giggles melt hearts.
I went up and got ready for our piece about 15 minutes before we had to be on. Plenty of time as I just had to put on the costume and lipstick. We figured out the complicated belt thing, (Thanks, Alexis!) put our shoes on, and headed downstairs. I was still early, so I went to the sound booth where my friend Andie was and talked to her a second as I did some releves to warm up my feet. Before the second run through of the dance before ours, I asked Adrienne for some help on one part, and then we went back stage to wait for our turn.
We walked it once to get the spacing right, got the light cues going, and ran the last part before going for it.
I know someone said it, but I don’t think we truly realized how slick sharpied shoes are. We were all slippin’ and sliding, trying to adjust to having the wings to run in and out of, compensating for the bigger space, and still remember the dance steps and in order and at the right timing now that we couldn’t see each other.
Real Talk: I struggled. Hard.
It’s one thing to do it in our studio, it’s another entirely on this stage, with these costumes, and so fast.I tried my best to do it all, and to do it en pointe, but it just wasn’t happening. I literally stepped on one girl, then was on top of her at one point, and always seemed to be a half count behind on everything. I looked like I had no idea what I was doing, though I know the steps well. I just kept going, doing what I could, hoping I was blending in enough for no one to notice. I smacked one of the guys twice, and almost kicked another girl. Nearly rolled my ankle (thanks for dying, shoes) and at the end of the dance, I actually fell. Hard. Then with the windows in our tutus, I got caught in them trying to get up. It was a hot mess and we couldn’t help but laugh our faces off at how ridiculous it all was. We ran it again and got a bit better. I was able to do the ending better–and without falling–but my knee was hurting pretty decently. There’s a nice welt there now with a pretty decent bruise, and it’s slightly to the left of where I have nerve damage. (The spot that was touched in Nutcracker rehearsals, which caused me to not be able to dance well the next day from the pain it caused.) I was nervous that would happen again today when I have the three dances to do. Thankfully, it didn’t, but the knot that’s formed may get nasty as we are on the floor and we kneel quite a bit. Ugh. I kneel on that leg for a while in Ballet V’s. This will be fun.
My whole body hurts to an extent, but not as badly as I thought it would. Still reminds me that I am, indeed, an adult, and getting older sucks in this aspect. Still, worse things have happened to dancers who have had to carry on. It’s not enough to take me out so I’m grateful for that. And I wasn’t the only one to fall. I saw a IV’s ballet dancer fall (And get right back up so you hardly even saw it, except that I was watching her specifically in the moment.) and one of the other VI’s was dropped. It’s almost as though yesterday was Friday the 13th instead of today.
I was thoroughly embarrassed to have fallen. I had even made sure I was warm, and tried a few things I wasn’t sure about while we were waiting, yet I still got chewed for not being warm and being unsure. It was general, but eye contact was made and held. I was frustrated and mad at myself, because I know I did what I needed to do, yet I was still being reprimanded. But it doesn’t do to make excuses. This is one of the hardest things for me. I want people to have full understanding so the wrong taste of me doesn’t linger in their mouths. But that’s out of my control. People will make opinions of you and keep them and there really isn’t anything you can do about it. I’m just nervous this will screw me for casting next year. But all of that is out of my hands. This year was the big year, next year will be good no matter what happens. There’s no one set thing really in mind or in grasp. I have hopes for Nutcracker, but they’re logical hopes. It should be well within reach for me. I’m not really worried. I plan to keep working hard over the summer to keep improving.
Thankfully, no one seemed to see that I had fallen. I felt like an idiot for all the freak out things I said afterwards. I’d never fallen on stage before, and only once before in class and that was at my old studio. I had forgotten to be afraid of falling. Yet I did. On stage. In front of everyone.
I have to move forward. I’m seeing about getting black flats (thanks Andie) and doing it in flat shoes. It was a bit over-ambitious to think I could do it en pointe. I know I’m capable, but I hadn’t done it in class en pointe. I’m more confident not having to think about what my feet are doing and I feel I’ll be able to make the piece look nicer if I do it in shoes I’m used to. (Plus, Mrs. Julie already said it was okay if I did it in flat shoes.)
I want to be proud of what I do in this dance, not hanging my head that I tried and failed. I tried. I admit defeat. No one will notice if I do it in flat, but they’d notice if I was behind or messed up or fell. I don’t want to make the dance fall down a notch because I’m being stubborn.
I ended up taking pictures in my costume, which I’ve never done at this studio. My parents don’t really care, but then they ask for a picture of just me in costume, so I got some yesterday and they can send them to Grandma and my Aunt Mo or whoever. (they seem to think it’s cool, hehe) I wasn’t happy with them at first and was a bit down on myself for thinking I could take one that looked decent. Then the girl there helping helped me out and we got a good shot. I was truly grateful. Slightly embarrassed, but it was just a long day.
The VI’s Jazz has to be one of my favorite dances. They were last of the night, and it just makes me so happy.
Tonight is our first show. Ms. Munro said falling is good luck, and it means you’ll return to that stage, so she said for me it means I’ll dance next year. So that’s encouraging at least.
This post is a rather choppy account of yesterday’s events. I know I’m missing some fun memories in this, but my brain is kinda fried.
Anyway, have some pictures
(That last one is compliments of Cheyanne’s snapchat.)
Yesterday was our first recital rehearsal.
Well, you only have two if you dance on both nights.
They split the dances between Friday and Saturday night and try their best to keep you on the same day if you’re in multiple. The only pieces that dance both nights are the advanced classes.
I was grateful to practice, but was a little bummed knowing I won’t get to truly know how fast these quick changes are until I’m doing them. And they’re immensely detailed.
I’m really hoping it doesn’t throw me off mentally and make me forget anything. Especially being surrounded by so many people I know. Gotta keep myself centered.
I got there around 5:30. My babies didn’t rehearse until 6:00, so I had some time. The other teacher I assist had a class before ours that had 17 dancers (all 3&4 year olds) so I followed her with them and helped her out. Ours was right after, but we have another teacher and assistant with the class as well so that helped out.
They are so freakin’ cute, I can’t stand it.
It’s so fun to watch their faces light up on stage. You can see how proud they are of themselves and how good it makes them feel. I hope everyone can feel that way in life.
We walk them out to their parents afterwards, and two of my littles had my hand the whole time. One of them let go, but only to hug onto my leg. Cue melted heart. I love them so much, and there really is loads of potential in their class, as M. E. pointed out, which is really excited to get to watch.
We got to see a few of the younger level’s ballet pieces, which are always really fun. Some of them get so into it and you can see it all over them that they are so proud of what they’re doing. I hope they never lose that. I hope they never stop working hard on something they’re proud of. It really makes a difference in how it comes across to the audience, in the best way. And honestly, it inspires me to let go of the fears of opinions and just dance the best I am able and be proud of myself for what I’ve accomplished, not what I lack in comparison to anyone else.
We had our Ballet V’s first. We walked through and marked it really quickly first, then ran it through twice. I had jet glued my shoes that died during Swan Lake rehearsal in hopes it would help them be usable during recital, but I was mistaken. Maybe I didn’t glue them correctly or something, but it was a rough run through. It’s frustrating because I know I can do the steps, and I know I can do them better than I am, but my shoes are so dead it’s a struggle. Thankfully the dance is short and I can suck it up enough to get it done. I just hope I don’t hear comments about it.
My boss had gotten back to the office later than expected. First thing she did was grab my costume and take it to her house to alter. Twenty minutes later, she returned with a perfectly altered costume. To say I was impressed would be a vast understatement. You couldn’t even tell a seam was there unless you knew before hand. It made all the difference in the world, I was so beyond grateful.
We quick changed into our Jazz V’s, with more time than we’ll have. By far the hardest part was trying to get different tights on while being so immensely sweaty. It was stressful. Mixed with so many people in the dressing room and so many voices, I had to hold my breathe a few times to keep steady. But it was fine. I knew we’d get done in plenty of time, but I wanted to see how long it would take me to do to help prepare for Friday. We waited until the ballet was done preparing, then went on stage when she called for Jazz. We went through and blocked the entire thing once, then waited offstage for the cue. That’s when she realized her other Jazz class was supposed to be on, not us, and we got chewed for not knowing the order. But really, how were we supposed to know? Each dance had a certain amount of time to work, and with the time we took to get changed, when we came down we thought for sure they had already ran the other one, since we were able to see both runthroughs and some of the blocking for the ballet. Plus, she called for the Jazz, and no one else was backstage. How were we to know?
Whatever. We moved forward and waited on the wings, using the time to go over stuff we needed to work on. We ran it twice, and got corrections. I was a little frustrated when we were corrected verbally for the entire auditorium to hear when she was shouting as she was walking from the light booth to us. I was called out by name for being off on timing, which literally never happens, and so I asked in what part. when she told me I was late at the end and she was freaking out when I wasn’t where I needed to be for my cue, I asked her how she wanted us to count it because it was never fully clear and I don’t think we had ever done it correctly. We went over it, and she gave more corrections, but none were direct, they were general. I tried to figure out if she was talking to me or not in one specific one, and laughed when my friend sent me a snapchat from the audience of the exact moment referenced and realized it was me. But it didn’t look bad, just not what she wanted I guess? So now I’m trying to figure out how to fix it because it’s really indirect.
I asked if I looked down too much because I realized my eyes were down a lot. She said that it wasn’t too much, as long as it made sense for the movement. Since I was following my hand, it worked. We tried to figure out how to fix the ending to make it on the correct timing, when I vaguely remembered her telling me the first time we ran it to only do the move once the second time (I know that means absolutely nothing to you, but whatever) to get the correct timing. There was confusion of doing it once on both sides, and now I’m confused on what fits the music, though yesterday I heard the music change on the second run through where I thought I was supposed to be farther. If I only did it once on both sides, I’m afraid I’d end up early. But what if I’m still late?
The good thing was that everyone followed, and we all stayed in timing, and we have plenty of extra music to where it didn’t really matter when push came to shove. If you didn’t know, you didn’t know. It was frustrating feeling frustrated (hah) over a dance that makes me feel good. Almost like the fun of it was taken out due to conflicting technicalities. Whatever. I just really want to have one recital dance I’m proud of, and this was the most promising.
I stayed to watch the Advanced Tap, even though we were running way late and I needed to get home. I have a lot of friends in that dance and knew I wouldn’t get to see it this weekend. While they were waiting to go on, I was talking to my friend Annika who was telling me what she thought of our Jazz piece. It really meant a lot to me to hear, especially after such a rough run. I know she doesn’t tell me things just to make me feel better, which is the best kind of friend to be honestly. I was grateful.
Their Tap piece was so cute I wouldn’t stand it. I literally had my hands on my face and was giggling. It’s so great, the type of tapping that is what makes the style of dance so great. And they looked like they were having so much fun, which made it even better. I was really proud of the younger girls as they killed it just as much as the older girls. Made me really wish I could have kept up with tap.
We have rehearsal again tonight, where I only have my advanced ballet. So that’s nice. We’ll see how I do en pointe, and hopefully I don’t screw up royally at the difference. Or just screw up at all. We have to do it the two different ways since one night we have all the guys and the other we only have one. I’m most nervous for the super fast pique turn circle (fast to me) and the soutenue develope’s that are sprinkled in there for me. Hopefully I don’t freak out and just nail it.
My neck hurts from painting the shoes, and today it’s spread to a different part of the neck, though the part that hurt yesterday is better. I’m a hot mess, man.
Here are a few pictures from yesterday. I didn’t get any in Jazz, which is really unfortunate since I won’t have time to get any tomorrow. Oh well, I guess.
The first is the little class I’m now helping with. The pink tutus are my babies. Obviously us older ones are my friends and I. Group picture compliments of Andie 😊
I did get a Polaroid of Annika and I in our Ballet costume
Please excuse my pathetic fifth and look at our pretty costumes 😂
Also, I’m giant 😂 I forget I’m so tall since I’m the short one at work, until I see a picture with my friends. Haha! Oh well. I can reach cabinets they can’t. Hehehe
At the beginning of the semester, our Advanced Ballet teacher told us her vision for our recital piece. The costume is unconventional, and she wanted to complete the look with black tights and black pointe shoes.
(My apologies for the crooked, terrible quality picture.)
She told us to let her know if our parents weren’t up for it since coloring a pair of shoes can potentially be an expense we may not be able to do. She told us how we could save the pair we were in right before they were dead to have so we could color them, or we could have on pair, dance our V’s ballet and color them before VI’s. (With a friend’s help, of course.) No one spoke up, so we were given the go ahead to color our shoes on Friday. I originally didn’t do this recital en pointe, but didn’t have time to get black flats (since I thought it would be done away with, and forgot to order some just in case) so I worked on it Monday before class to see if I could do it. There’s one part that’s a bit fast, but if I can tell myself I can do it, I think I can make it through.
I looked up different methods for coloring shoes–shoe polish, special paints, spray paint, etc–but ended up going with the original suggested method of sharpie.
I was a little sad, because these were the shoes I did the Swan Lake shows in, but they are my most not dead shoes, so they’re my best bet.
I jet glued two old pairs in hopes they work for V’s. Because they’re super dead. No guarantees, though. eep.
Here they are with one done. Ahhhhh
And both.
It took about 30 minutes per shoe. I would suggest wearing gloves, though Dawn soap helps get it off your hands. I would also suggest doing it at a table where you can sit right, as I woke up with a terribly sore neck this morning.
They look really good. The color is smooth and not splotchy.
I got the sharpie brand Pro king size, and was able to get both shoes with one marker, though I bought two in case. (And have the second with me.) this is what was suggested to me, and I believe it made a difference. Especially having the chisel size.
It was difficult on the pleats and the elastic, but it worked. If you can dye the ribbons and elastic separately, do it. But if they’re already sewn it’s possible to make it work with sharpie. May just need a few extra coats.
And here is a time lapse of doing the one shoe. It took 29 minutes and some seconds originally.
(Song: Something in the Water, Brooke Fraser) (ps she and her music are incredible. So check her out!)
Cameo by my dog, Honey, whose tail knocked the video down a bit. Haha!
There you have it, folks
Our first rehearsal is tonight, though it doesn’t involve all my quick changes. I’m very nervous about those. But. I’ll make it work. I have no other choice but to make it work.
The studio is closed this week since we have recital rehearsals two of the days and recital the two days after that. Matthew, one of the dancers in my class, offered to teach classes. Originally, it was only on the Wednesdays of the weeks before summer, but we were able to get Ms. Munro to agree to having class yesterday as well. It was a combined class with the adults, who usually have class Monday and Wednesday, but an hour earlier than their normal time.
There was a fairly decent turn out. Enough to where we had to pull out a center barre, even. As far I know, Matthew has never taught a class before, but you wouldn’t know that by how well he did. He’s essentially a walking ballet encyclopedia, which definitely helps. More than that he was also very considerate to the levels he was teaching to, offering different versions of the steps based on level, and giving a full explanation of the combination, paying careful attention to the students to make sure they were confident in what to do before setting us to it.
(As Abarrane pointed out, he could be a professor. Maybe we should start referring to him as Professor Brehm. Maybe not, but maybe.)
There was a new face among us last night, and by the tone in her legs I assumed she was a friend of Matthew’s from the athletic club. I had no clue she had never taken a ballet class before until she told me at the end of class. She held her own really well. There was a moment at the barre when Matthew had us balance in back attitude, and I looked over (she was by the mirrors) and he corrected her knee to straighten. As soon as she did that, she rivaled half the class. She seemed determined to attempt anything, which I found really impressive. When it got to turns from the corner, I could see in her face the same thing I felt when first faced with a pique turn. I told her to not worry about turning it, and showed her again. I ended up going with her across the floor, and from what I could see in my peripheral, she did really well. After the left side, Matthew corrected her to get the passe all the way to the knee. I told her after that I was really impressed since most dancers struggle at the concept of closing the working leg into a true fifth. She kept it underneath herself without being told. She could do well with ballet if she ever wanted to. I’m sure already being so fit helps a great deal as well. We got to talking a little about where we started and who’s who in the class. She was super impressed with the two principal dancers there, as well as the few summarized back stories I was able to fit in. (And she thought Abarrane’s sister Kara was the cutest thing in the world.) We finished off the class and Matthew came over to see her. She instructs a class he takes at the athletic club, and she was telling him how she felt being in the class. It was really neat to hear the opinion of a “non-dancer” after a ballet class. (I put that in quotes because, seriously, she held her own.) Being immersed in something you’re typically just on the outside of looking in is a completely different and special experience. I was really struck when she used the word “beautiful” to describe the class.
It’s not just about the shows. It’s not just about what the public sees. What we do every day is beautiful. It’s an extension of this art form, ourselves being the medium, worked on, perfected, and honed nearly every day. And all these endless hours translate on to the stage when the time comes. And though there are many ugly days, Being on a stage isn’t what makes dance beautiful.
It’s the dancer.
I got home from dance with these vast plans to cook dinner and jet glue my pointe shoes. After dinner was done, I walked to my parent’s house to get my dog. (Mom likes to have her during the day. It’s one of those kinds of adorable that almost makes you sick, haha.) As I was walking up to the house, I heard a meowing. Most of our cats don’t meow unless they’re hungry, during which its a chorus of different tones of cat sounds. (hi, we have 15 acres and many outside cats to help with rats and–come to find out last night–snakes. I swear we aren’t crazy cat people…yet.) My sister had heard a cat under her hood, but hadn’t been able to get it out. The thing had somehow gotten itself up near her engine and wouldn’t find its way out. She drove to work and back with it yesterday, heart breaking as she heard it meow the whole way home. I noticed it only meowed when someone was near, so I turned on the flashlight on my phone and looked to see if I could see it. (We left the hood open for two days, hoping it’d come out, but all it managed was to pop its head out every now and then.) I went inside and recruited help, getting the gloves from my sisters front seat. I could touch the little sucker, but it would get scared and run to a different part of the engine. I even ended up under the car a few times, which is where my bun decided it had had it. Mom noticed it would follow the sounds if you meowed back at it, so we tried to coax it out the top where it would pop it’s little head out. That didn’t work, so dad poked at it to try and scare it in the right direction. It ended up right near the tire so I got back under the car and meowed at it. Dad lost sight of it, but only because I was staring the kitten in the face. I kept meowing, and it literally followed my voice out of the car. Once it got onto the gravel, it freaked out and ran to the tire, where I grabbed it and held it close to me. Dad was impressed, my sister super grateful. Mom had been praying the whole time we’d be able to get it out, and we did. We were a bit afraid to just let it go outside, that it might try and climb back in, so we took it inside and put it in the cat carrier with some food and water. Hoping my friend will be able to give it a good home.
And during all that, I didn’t get one rip in my tights.
Needless to say, I didn’t get my shoes glued, so I’ll have to fit that in sometime tonight along with turning one pair black, and figuring out how to alter my costume for V’s recital dance. Also have to find tights close to my skin tone to cut up for V’s jazz. Still not sure how I’ll make these quick changes, but I guess we’ll get it figured out. Where there’s a will, right?
We had our (well, at least my) last official ballet class last night.
(Technically there’s a VI’s ballet tonight, but I have a chiropractor appointment, so I can’t go.)
Nearly everyone was there, including a newly booted dancer. (she hurt something in her foot during Swan Lake, pushed through the shows, and now is in a boot. I think she’s still able to do recital, but am glad she’s getting it taken care of.) We did a quick barre and got to working on cleaning up recital, since it was our last day to do so. We changed one bit to make better use of our time, and specified other things. It’s the only dance I’m actually confident about. The other two I’m still a bit nervous for. (although we do have a rehearsal for one of them tomorrow.)
When the recital dance felt good and polished, Mrs Alex rolled out the TV they have in the back room and put on Coppelia from 2002 as we all worked on making headpieces for our costumes. I had never seen Mrs. Alex dance before, and also never seen Coppelia, so it was hard to focus on trying to get the headpiece done when the video was so exciting.
She was the only person I knew in it, as I wasn’t near dancing then, hardly being in middle school at the time it was recorded. I wish I had been in dance then and knew all these people, but there’s nothing that can be done about that.
I had a pretty decent base for the headpiece, but then couldn’t seem to get it to do what I saw in my head past that. At one point, it looked eerily similar to something the Pope would wear. I had a decent fourth attempt, but it just wouldn’t stay how I wanted it and I got frustrated. Before I knew it, we were out of time. I took it apart down to the base I had and was going to take it home to work on it when Ms. Munro busted out this effortlessly wonderful headpiece she just came up with out of nowhere. She gave it to me and I modified it to the specification Mrs. Alex had and, voila! Headpiece done. Ms. Munro didn’t even realize how much stress and anxiety she saved me. I’m beyond grateful.
As I was getting ready to leave, we talked about recital and when I would be there and how I can help. I realized I only have two dances to change from one ballet piece, to a completely different jazz piece, and then only two dances to go from that completely different jazz piece back to a ballet piece, but one with black tights and shoes. I don’t know how I’ll do it all in time, but I’ll figure it out. Mainly because I’ll have to. I’m going to try and jet glue my shoes to get a bit more life out of them, since ballet runs apparently snap them right where I need the strength. Hopefully the jet glue works so I can use it moving forward. Ms. Munro commented on how well Swan Lake went and how we all really looked great. I didn’t know what to say, and thank you didn’t seem sufficient. She said she was glad that some of us covers were able to get to dance it, even though it was sad for the ones whose spots we took. I told her I had talked with Lauren–the one I covered–and told her that I was really sad for her, but really glad to be able to go in for her. She said she was glad I was able to, as well. That if she couldn’t do it, at least I could. Really a best case scenario for something like this, as with some people it could cause tension. But Lauren is a super mature person and we all know it wasn’t anything we saw coming at all. And this is the point of covers. At least we were committed and the show was able to go on without great stress. We did our jobs, we did what we were cast to do.
It meant a lot to me to hear it from Ms. Munro. And we joked about how it seems I’m destined to be the cover for bird roles, but end up going in last minute. We joked about asking Julie if there is a bird role in Snow White so we can keep the tradition alive, haha!
This year has taught me a lot, and I’m grateful to be on this side of it. I’ve grown as a person, learning more about myself and people skills and overall life skills, as well as a dancer–specifically being pushed in Swan Lake in both areas, in ways I am grateful. I’m better for having been through this year.
Now we look forward to recital, and on to summer classes, which will lead us into a new school year. I haven’t decided what classes I’m going to take yet, but I’m not at the point of having to decide so I’ll wait to freak out about it until I reach that point.
I’m just going to enjoy the ride.
And now, enjoy some pictures from yesterday’s headpiece making party 😂
I didn’t really mind, though. There’s something about smaller classes that I really enjoy. Although, I feel more pressure at barre in smaller classes. I’m really good with patterns and can usually get the combination quickly. Sometimes I can really tell if people are relying on me to know if, and it can be a lot of pressure.
Not always. There are times when the class actually has people in it who know the combination (as much as we can, at least) and don’t just use other people as a crutch.
(thankfully, last night was one of those nights.)
It wasn’t full of things I was good at, but it all was things I could at least attempt. And not in the sense of what I would have felt confident attempting three months ago, but rather things that would have terrified me even three weeks ago. But I attempted them, and actually didn’t suck as much as I expected.
There were times I could have done better. Once I hit the groove in the floor exactly split so I was super thrown off. It was kind of funny. Another time I spaced out and forgot to compensate for my uneven hips in chaines. Another time I just psyched myself out of trying a double. But there were a few underlying themes.
1.) I tried.
Which is more than I can say is typical. I didn’t psych myself out before I could even attempt what was asked. I didn’t set myself up for failure. I tried, I attempted, I gave it a shot.
2.) I learned.
Which is–surprise!–what happens when you try.
I realized when I always struggle when we promenade. My shoe shifts and I can’t seem to hold my balance on the uneven shank and drop my leg way early. The simple matter of thinking of staying on the ball of the foot (like I’ve been told countless times) helped me to stay better and my shoe not to shift as much. (I think I was afraid to break my shank earlier. But I mean, Swan runs did that already.)
I also realized that I struggle in turns (to get multiples and stuff) largely due to ankle strength (or lack thereof.) A seemingly simple solution, yet why haven’t I done anything about it?
I’m resolving to work towards improving on these things, especially this summer. I have a personal trainer app I used the last place I lived that had enough floor space, and found it very beneficial. I want to start using it again (now that I have floor space again and soft rugs on them) as well as incorporating specific things like the theraband and bosu exercises.
I hesitate to even type that here, for fear of failure. But I’ll only fail if I don’t try, and putting it out here in the open cuts those odds immensely. (That and telling Annika, who will kick my butt if I don’t hold to it.)
Before it wasn’t as realistic to be able to stick to, considering I was rarely home. But now that classes are slowing down, rehearsals don’t exist, and we’re coming in to summer, it’s a more feasible expectation of myself without worrying about burning myself out.
It is all a rather overwhelming thought process. I want to be healthier and do more to achieve this, but I find myself faced with many obstacles, mainly in the food department. I get sick when I eat and we don’t really know why. Which makes me not want to eat. Except that, ya know, not eating will kill you, and I’ve gotten a bit to close to that line before.
But excuses only get you so far, even if it is logical reasoning as to why to hold back.
You’ll only get as far as your last excuse.
And I want to go farther.
(Now, back to class)
It was a really fun moment when Ms. Catherine used the song “Tiny Dancer” in a combination across the floor. I love this song, but never felt “allowed” to let it be personal to me, being that I’m not the “tiny” part in the title and chorus. There are parts of me that feel like a fraud, since I’m not what a “real” ballet dancer looks like. I get nervous going into dance stores, afraid of being judged to be a fraud when I tell people I do ballet. That if I were serious, or really any good, then I would look the part. It’s inevitable, right? That to work that hard, your body has to give way?
Except that mine doesn’t. It has changed and adapted and formed, but nothing near like what is expected. I could tell people I’m a modern or contemporary dancer and I’d be believed, but a ballet dancer is a bit of a stretch.
(and honestly, I hate being this honest, this vulnerable, because I can hear people and their opinions in my head and it makes me want to spit. But this is my life, this is my story, and this is how it is. Y’all can suck it.)
Even with my slip ups in yesterday’s class, I felt free.
I felt safe.
We went on to Jazz V’s after, where we had our last Recital Rehearsal until dress rehearsal on stage next week. People were missing, which is frustrating as this piece is interactive with each other. I struggled with the timing of one of the new parts I was given (and have only been able to run a few times) and didn’t get to do it correctly, which makes me a bit nervous. I really want to invest in this piece and give it my all, but it’s difficult considering everything.
But I still like it. I’m still very glad to be a part. And it’s not really anything we could have avoided. People not showing up and not committing and everything changing every other second has taken it’s toll on everyone. But I’m really proud of all of us that are still here. Those of us that show up and work hard to do our best. Regardless, we can hang out hats on that.
It hit me at the end of class that this was our last Jazz V’s class. That we’ll never have this again. We may take this class next year, but it won’t be with the same people, it won’t be the same experience. This one is done–it’s in the history books now.
Change is hard. And weird. And leaves room for new, but dang sometimes the old was just really great. And sometimes the in between new and old is really hard to handle.
But we must keep moving forward. Or else we get swallowed up in the quick sand of life and can never get out.
We have our last Ballet IV’s class with Mrs. Julie today. Hopefully finishing the recital piece. Sigh. This year has been a mess when it comes to attendance.
I hope to take classes in the summer, though I’m unsure of which classes and how often. And I’m unsure of what I’ll do this summer. I need to order another pair of shoes, but I need to wait until I get paid again first. And I need to see about jet gluing my last pair to hopefully get more life out of them. If anyone wants to contribute to the Emilee-needs-shoes-but-also-has-to-pay-rent fund, just lemme know.
I have to custom order my shoes through Capezio, requiring the hardest shank they offer to get any life out of my shoes. (They’re incredible, by the way.) I was hoping the pair I had would last me through Swan Lake, but ordered the next pair just in case. They came in the week before shows, an it’s a good thing they did. My shanks died in the middle of one of our very last rehearsals and I couldn’t make it through on them. Thankfully I had ribbons and elastic (thanks friend) and was able to sew my new shoes and break them in before our very last rehearsal and the shows.
I think I saw this somewhere, but I can’t remember where to know who to give credit for the idea, but this is my new method for telling my shoes apart.
Instead of just putting “L” for left and “R” for right, or just one or the other, (which some people don’t even do) I decided to put a two word sentence.
I couldn’t tell you why I put “Love yourself” because I don’t even know why myself. I guess the fact that it starts with an L, which is on the left foot, was an appealing coincidence. Regardless, this is now how I tell which is left and which is right.
I plan to change the statement each pair, which will not only tell me which shoe goes to which foot, but also how old the shoes are so I don’t mix them up. I’m notorious for keeping two, three, even four pairs in my dance bag (for no reason, really) and no matter how hard I try to keep them straight, there will come a moment when they’ll get mixed up and I can’t tell which shoe is new, which is old, and which left goes to which right.
It’ll also help me remember the story that goes with each pair.
Most importantly, it give me a mini pep talk each time I put them on. This time, it reminds me to not be so hard on myself in class, but to love myself. To love where I am and not get so worked up on where I wish I was.
I need to put in an order for a new pair so they are to me before I need them. Thankfully, these shanks give my shoes a longer lifespan than before, which really helps.
We have our last week of classes before recital, and have yet to finish one of the dances. Summer will be here before we know it. I’m still trying to kick this cold or whatever has been overtaking my health, and hopefully will be better tomorrow. I’ve done nothing the past few days, yet am absolutely exhausted.
It’s so stupid.
I think I need to be back in normal surroundings, though, which makes the fact that normal classes are ending soon really unfortunate. I think I have a bit of soul searching to do, as well, which hopefully will happen soon. So much to get done, always.
I hope y’all are well, have a great week, and remember to love yourself.
Day after Swan Lake and it already feels worlds away, yet I’m still basking in it.
I also left work early because I was so nauseous I couldn’t stand. So that was cute. I went home, laid in bed, watched the newest Grey’s Anatomy, and fell asleep.
I had to go to dance tonight, since it was one of two recital practice classes we have left and I’ve only run it with all the choreography twice. I was glad I did. It helped solidify it a bit more.
I went to the ballet class before also. It was great being around some of the girls again. The class was small, which was also nice.
I remembered how Ms Munro complimented Hannah and I backstage during intermission. She said we did a great job and it really meant a lot to hear.
I remembered the feeling of finally getting everything correct. I remembered all my friends celebrating with me. I remembered seeing the show from side stage. I remembered being on stage in Act III, watching the Princesses in front of me, realizing this was real. I was on this stage, in this production, in front of an audience, helping set the scene to make them feel things. How cool is that?
Class went really well, I think. I was a hot mess in some things, but surprised myself with others. Ms Catherine also made a comment about pique turns that clicked and I was able to do them in the quick tempo required. It was nice. (Still a hot mess, but, ya know, little victories.)
We got our costumes in Jazz 5, except, ya know, mine wasn’t there. No one really knows why, and our teacher was livid and frantically searching all the boxes, determined to figure out why it wasn’t there. I was actually pretty calm about it, though it was odd. There was a costume for a girl not in our piece that is my size, so they told me to go ahead and take that one. It’s a size smaller than I usually get, which is good for everything except for the torso. It’s not all that bad except it’s a little funny in the arm pits. But it’s really not that bad. I’m just glad to have a costume. How sad would that be?
We ran the piece in costume, which was really cool. I feel like once I’m confident in what I’m doing it’ll feel really good. I’m still excited for this piece, and I’m really grateful to be a part of it.
I’m pretty exhausted. And really wish I could have a few more days of nothing. But that’s okay. I’m grateful to have had the afternoon to rest and to have my weekends again. Sleeping on Saturday will be nice.
My friend sent me a picture I forgot I took on her phone this weekend.
It reminded me of those moments that you take in but rarely get to capture. Where the lights shine on to the darkness of the side stage, eager dancers watching and waiting for their turn. Taking in the fullness of the production.
It’s a beauty all its own.
One of the girls in the company, Alexis, her mom was backstage taking pictures and she captured some really great side stage moments. All her pictures were great, really, but I was particularly fond of the side stage shots she got. It’s those moments that you really remember. Because it’s you in your truest form. On stage, you’re someone else. Side stage, you’re still yourself.
It seems quite a few of the cast members ended up sick today. One even has a pretty gnarly fever. I’m hoping we all kick this, especially since we have recital to think about now.
On that note, I’m off to try and sleep. Tomorrow is a full day.
Another Night at the Barre 