Author: Emilee

Week two.

Tropical Storm Bill has been threatening the area the past couple days. I wore my glasses to work in case I got stuck here due to terrible rains, but brought my ballet clothes in hopes it would be typical and go past us.

I was right.

This resulted in me doing my first ever ballet class while wearing glasses.
I walked in and the receptionist didn’t recognize me. Granted, my hair was also down and it’s short which people still aren’t used to. A couple of my babies were in the lobby, and Cheyenne walked in shortly after I got there. I hadn’t seen her since recital so I was really glad she was there. I got to talk with her Mom and little sister while she took the tap class before both of our ballet classes. We’re in different levels, so I don’t get to dance with her, but it was just great to see her and her family. Her mom has to be one of the nicest and most encouraging people I have encountered. Yesterday, Mrs. Rowland and I were talking about parents and their support and how important it is. I get that I’m an adult and my parents may not understand why I dance and they may not particularly care to go to all of my shows, but it has taken me some time to really come to terms with this. I also told her about why Mom took me out in the first place when I was younger, even though Mom doesn’t remember it the way I do. (that happens?) She was so incredibly supportive of me and told me they would be at every show I’m in. And I know she means it.
And during class, I looked at the two-way mirror and I saw here there with the other moms, watching me. And it just meant more than I thought it would. I didn’t think I needed anyone, thought I was fine going at this by myself, and I am. No one technically needs other people. But really, you do. To make life enjoyable and to take some of the strain away, you need people. Sometimes this can be life or death and you think you’re okay and you can get through it alone and then next thing you know you’re in your head and no one can pull you out or tell you that what you think isn’t how it is and you forget that things are better than you see them right now.
You need people.
The more people I find I have, the more my heart really explodes.
I have dance friends that love and care about me.
I have older dance friends to look up to.
I have younger dance friends to encourage
And the thing with encouraging younger dance friends, is they encourage you right back. You instill that in them, you’re planting a seed, and that seed turns into a flower right when you need it most.
(Like yesterday when I was really sucking at trying doubles and Ms. Munro was watching me on it and I managed to almost get a good one and one of the girls had been watching me and she made a point to mention that it looked good after. She didn’t have to do that. Such a kind soul.)

Ms. Munro taught our class, so I was a little nervous. My back was hurting and I was wanting to implement what Abby had shown me Thursday but felt the pressure of having Ms. Munro in there. I want to prove myself to her. I want to show her that I’m improving and good enough to do these things I aspire to. I want to hold up the reputation I developed during Oz.
We did this thing at the barre where we lunged forward and did a port de bra forward and then changed the arms for back. She said, “Come on, you’re doing Swan Lake next year!”
Challenge Accepted.
(I was a little surprised she said it in this class, because most of these girls are younger and wouldn’t be able to be in the core more than likely. But oh well.)
So I determined to dance it, not just go through the motions. To show her that I can do this, even when it’s just at the barre. I want to make her notice me. I want to show her I can do this.
We do the combination, and she walks around the room, watching and correcting. She gets to me right when we do the “Swan Lake part” and says, “Good, Emilee! That’s it!”
*drops mic*

No just kidding, but it was still great. There were things that she would tell us to do and the class as a whole struggled so she would work on it until we got it; she wouldn’t move on with it being mediocre. (Thank God.) And every time she watched us each separately, when she came to me she had no corrections. I was doing it correctly. There were a few corrections during class, but nothing trivial.
She had me trying doubles, and working with me getting more comfortable in them. By the end, I had two revolutions and can build from there. She had me working on balance and control. She kept correcting my Third Position arms because I have a tendency to make them wonky. She complimented me a lot, and the group of three I ended up in was with the other two adults in the class. At one point when we finished a combination across the floor that the class seemed to find difficult, she said, “Maybe it just comes with maturity!” because we were the only ones that seemed to get it right.

She also taught our pointe class, which she used to teach us a variation. We learned a doll variation from Coppelia, which I have yet to see, but I recognized elements of from the doll scene we do in our Nutcracker. (which is my favorite.) It was a simple and really fun variation which involved characterization, so of course I had a blast with it.
We had to adjust the beginning part since we didn’t have props. We figured out a way to do it and Ms. Munro couldn’t seem to remember how to do it, so while running it she literally just said, “Just watch Emilee!” after she kept messing it up. (Knowing it one way for so long, then mixing it up, it must be difficult.)

I used a trick Elizabeth told me about, and that I think I remember seeing Lillian use, of stuffing the empty space from my gimpy toes with paper towels. And, wouldn’t you know, it helped. My toes still hurt, but not blinding pain like last time. We also didn’t dance as much, but I was in my shoes the same amount of time and I think that would make some sort of a difference. I’m hopeful.
So I was able to do the variation fairly decently. Except for this really quick part that no one could do well so I just did it on demi. It was a lot of fun.

I was able to do the pique attitude’s and different things and feel stable doing them, which made me really happy and hopeful. All in all, I left the class feeling really good. Maybe all isn’t lost.
I’m keeping up well and improving at a good rate. I’m able to execute the moves properly for where I should be. I’m not cowering away from challenges. And with Abby’s privates, I should be able to continue to improve.

Yesterday was a good day.

That time I saw the Houston Ballet.

Once upon a time, Elizabeth and Abby invited me to go to the Houston Ballet with them since they caught wind that I had never seen a real ballet before. We planned it for months and the day finally came when we all piled into the car (along with Mrs. Jane) and headed to Houston.

Great conversation and many laughs keeping us company, we made it in good time and waited around a little bit while taking in the fact that we were actually there. (That was mainly me.) I let myself get excited since this was actually happening and we were in the lobby and the stairs are huge and magnificent and it was raining a little spit but the sky was still sunny and it was coming straight down instead of slanted like I usually see it. It was beautiful.

After it stopped, we went outside to get a picture in front of the theatre. Including my polaroid of the day.

This stance started at the Wizard of Oz photo day and has followed us as sort of a joke. I had pictures of them each doing this on their separate shoots, which I edited together, but never with me in it. Perfect opportunity, right?
Little did we know it was a predecessor.

We walk back inside and a man in a white polo with a radio comes down and says,
“There’s been an incident on the stage and the show has been cancelled.”

WHAT?!

After the initial shock, we stood there listening to what he was saying to the other workers on if it seemed there’d be hope to stick around. He told them to lock up the entire building, so we accepted our fate.
Another worker told a man that there was a fire alarm that opens these vents on the stage that were open when that rain came through and it got all over the electrical cords and lights and they just didn’t feel like it was safe to turn it on.

Darn you, rain! Why were you so beautiful if you were so evil?!

It was very sad indeed.
But thankfully, I was with great people.They also understand that sometimes things happen to help us avoid other things that could be potentially harmful or whatever and the trip didn’t feel wasted since we like spending time with each other and there was plenty of that in the car up and back.
(Elizabeth is such a great driver, I was really impressed. Especially in all the rain we went through and all the construction. Not all my friends are good drivers. She is. This does more for me than people realize.)
(I was bummed because it was one of the principal dancers last shows and I’ve always wanted to see a show where someone retired because I’ve heard it’s magical.)

We stopped for lunch before heading back and the skies could have fooled you that rain was ever there.
It’s funny, because this is why I typically don’t let myself get excited for things. (See: opening line of this blog and the concept of this blog.)  Sometimes things seem to happen that keeps me from doing the thing I’m excited about. I’ve had to learn to deal with this over the years, as unfair as it can be, but honestly I think I’m better for it. And I understand that sometimes there are unforeseeable circumstances that it’s keeping me from. (That one time the plan I would have been on went down. That time I missed the car wreck. That other time I missed the car wreck. That other other time I missed the car wreck. You get the picture.)

The drive back was just as great as the way up. I laughed harder than I have in a long time, and many inside jokes were made (inflatina, anyone?) plus encouragement given nonchalantly. Not to mention the endless, “remember that one time we went to the Houston Ballet?” to which I could honestly reply, “It’s the best professional ballet I’ve ever seen!”
I also got to tell the story of why Mrs. Jane means the world to me in a light manner and not one that seemed stupid or anything. So that was nice.

At the end of the day, I’m truly grateful that I was with people I like, and that the Houston Ballet wasn’t the one thing of the whole trip that was good or exciting. It wasn’t a complete loss.

They’re showing Manon around my birthday.
Do we dare?

Day two.

The Airess are out.
I don’t know how it is that pointe shoes feel one way in the store, and another in the studio, but it seems to happen to me really often.
Sadly, it’s money down the drain for me. Maybe I should have taken more time or care in the fitting? I don’t know. Whatever, nothing that can be done now.
(anyone need a pair of sewn size 9 hard-shanked Airess?)
(but really.)

Class Thursday went fairly decently. It was different than I was used to since it was technically a Choreography class. I thought about not taking it, but I want to take the Variations class afterwards, and I’ve never taken choreography so maybe it’d be good exposure in such an easy-going environment as that with the youngin’s.

Thankfully, there wasn’t anything too invasive, although there were moments me and my fellow IV were rather nervous about it. After explaining the basics of choreography, Ms. Heidi assigned “team captains” and split us into groups. She made sure there were captains from each level, so I was the level IV captain, and then let us pick who would be in our group until we ran out of people putting most groups with three people and a few with four.
She said the team captain had the option of being in the dance, or just choreographing it on the group. She would play the music and we would come up with however much we could in our limited time. She told us there were no rules. Technique wasn’t required in the sense of it all being strict ballet.

I picked Judy and Leah to be on my team. I easily could have picked my fellow IV, knowing she was one of the most skilled of the bunch, but I knew what it meant to these girls to be picked and I knew their hearts would be good.
(plus I actually knew their names. So, that helps.)

I asked them what they had thought or seen or felt when they heard the music. Judy said, “Rebuilding after the Civil War.” (Gosh, I love her.) She had a few counts of what she saw and showed me, which was actually really good. Leah said she thought of water flowing, which is what I had felt as well.
I decided to have Judy start out with one 8-count, then have Leah come in with the next 8-count. (kinda 16-count?) and if we had time I’d put myself into a count because they didn’t want to do it alone.
(I love these girls.)
So I took elements of Judy’s thoughts and made them flow a little differently, then asked Leah if there was anything she was better or worse at or more comfortable with since I didn’t know her ability as much as Judy’s. She’s a trooper, and was up for anything. I gave her a bit to work with and we ran it a few times before time was out. We also had to write it down a certain way, which the girls understood wonderfully (I struggled with it? But understand it. So it’s okay) and we were the last group to go.
Some of the groups were longer, some were really short. Some were more complex but didn’t really flow too smoothly, and some really showed great potential. The girls all did great with it. I was pretty impressed.
Judy and Leah were a little nervous, especially that they were dancing separately and we hadn’t really gotten to go over it all that much, but they completely rocked it. I was so proud. And Ms. Munro had been watching. When they finished, everyone was kind of quiet for a moment, but I think they were waiting for more. It was a good silence, and after we finished, it was the only one Mrs. Munro complimented.
*dusts shoulders off*
(But really it wasn’t me, Judy had the main great idea, and Leah really nailed her part. I was so proud. team awesome.)

For Variations, Abby taught us the Bluebird variation.
It. Was. So. Fun.
I was mad, though, because my shoes were holding me back, so I almost rolled my ankle umpteen times and it was frustrating.
But what I could do of it was really fun.
It was a little difficult at parts, but only because of the way I learn things. I have to go over them a bunch and figure out all the transitions before I can do it all well. By the time I had it down, my toes were dying. So that sucked. I need to find my lambs wool so I can try a few things. Because this ain’t cutting it and my toes die and it is really sad and now I’m rambling and meh.

Abby and I had a private lesson after variations. She looked at my feet and assessed the shoes and my issues etc etc.
She pointed out the issues in my alignment and showed me how to correct it. It was difficult mentally, not because of her or anything, but because it felt physically impossible to do the things she was saying. It felt flat out wrong and made me feel like I used to feel with math as a kid when I knew what they were saying but it just wasn’t clicking in my head and I wanted to claw my eyes out. (I don’t know how else to describe it?)
But the great thing is I can tell Abby these things and she helps me through them.

After picking it apart and evaluating like I do, I realized part of my issue is that it looks wrong to me because I don’t look like what I’m used to seeing of proper technique.
I’m not your typical ballet body build.
My butt and boobs stick out and there’s nothing I can do about it.
But it doesn’t make me wrong, it’s just different. It’s more obvious on me because I have more of it.

At the end of the day, I was able to see what Abby was saying and feel the difference of most of it. Part didn’t click until I felt the different muscles that were sore the next day, but they’re really difficult muscles to work.

I ended up with knots all up my back from sleeping on a too-soft bed so I wasn’t able to work on it any more yet (yep, still in pain. ugh) but I’m at least hopeful.

My right foot also still seems to favor putting weight on the little toes instead of the big toe. I turn better on this foot, since I use more of the platform and the left foot puts it all dramatically onto just the big toe, which isn’t good either.

Sigh.
Lots to work on.
But better now than continuing incorrectly and it being harder to fix later.

Summer

Summer classes technically started on Friday, but my first class was yesterday.
Many of the kids take during the day on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday but since I work that really isn’t an option for me. It’s okay, though, since the ballet classes are in the evening.

Our teachers vary week to week. Some of them I’ve taken class from before, some of them I know but haven’t taken their class, some I don’t know at all.

To say I was nervous going into this would be an understatement.

These teachers don’t know me. They don’t know all my issues. Do I tell them, so they’re aware and understanding? Or do I keep my mouth shut so they don’t dismiss me before I can even try? I want to be pushed but I’m constantly afraid of pushing too much. Where is the balance? And will they look at me funny for being so old? Surely they know from shows that’s where I am in level. Will I look too advanced for this class? What if I do just blend in with all these tiny kids. Will that make me feel like I suck? What the heck is even gonna happen? And will the kids get too distracted having me in there? Will I get overwhelmed? I don’t want to snap at them or something if I get stressed out at anything. And these new shoes hurt my toes. Am I even going to be able to dance? What other options do I have if they don’t make the shoe I had before, and this is the requested make of the shoe from before?

I knew the only way to remedy the nerves is to face them. After all, it’s either do that or don’t dance and the later ain’t happenin’. For being as positive as people think I am, I actually deal with fear and doubts constantly. I find myself afraid to hope because I don’t want to be disappointed. I don’t want to look foolish for getting my hopes up. I’m sure this comes from some long-ingrained childhood something or another and I’m trying to figure out what is there and how it affects me and how much of it is logical and how much is ridiculous. I did allow myself to have the hope that the class would help me in the way my first audition did being with the littles.

And it did.

Most of the class is quiet and timid. Most of the class consisted of II’s, but there was still the fair share of III’s and all of three IV’s. The II’s were mostly timid, but the III’s were confident.
They faced any challenge and even asked to try more difficult things. Including this complex, double-timed petite allegro combination that we all flubbed but was great to get exposed to. The teacher wasn’t even going to try it double-timed, but let us since so many wanted to.
These are the kids that will go far. The ones that are unafraid and willing to try anything without doubting their ability. These kids are who I want to be more like. These kids make this class wonderful.
They teach me so much about myself and about life.
Even if my fears are logical, even if they’re rooted in something that has happened before, you still have to try. You have to face them or you’ll never go farther than that moment.
These kids teach me that.

We had Mrs. Vanessa for our ballet class and Catherine for our pointe. They switched rooms and did the opposite for Advanced. I had Mrs. Vanessa once when she subbed our class. She seemed nice enough, but it was rough. I thinks he had been last minute thrown into subbing and wasn’t as prepared as she’d like to be. We struggled. But I still liked her. You could see that she is a great teacher.
Her ballet class yesterday was wonderful. It was a bit of a stretch for the younger ones, but it was great for me and the other IV’s. Really pushing our limits and challenging us. She even prefaced that she would be pushing us and to just do our best, but she wasn’t gonna go easy.
I loved it.
There were a few things she did with us that I want to remember to do on my own. Things at the barre that will greatly improve strength and balance. Then there were things we did that I never would have known how to do at that age at my old studio. These kids went for it. Sure, they weren’t perfect, but the exposure to it is what makes them so good so young. In a few years, they’re going to be incredible. They already are for their level. It was the kind of combinations that would have made me extremely nervous a year ago and that our class at instep would mostly stare at in confusion. Thankfully, at this point I had done all of it before so I was able to attack it with confidence, but some of it I only just mastered or grasped this last year–some even just during Oz.
I knew by the amount of sweat dripping (literally) off my face just during barre alone that I’d be sore in the morning.

Ms. Catherine came in for pointe, and I was curious to see how it would go. I had taken her class with the V’s this year, but only did it in flat shoes. I was fine to do it flat, but pointe would have been a bit much. Granted, I was in a class full of kids who have been shown most if not all of the things she asked of us, so I just bit the bullet and did it flat to not bring the class down. I was really grateful that she was teaching the first pointe class because she knows about my back being wonky, and I didn’t know how the new shoes would fair and it was just a lot of uncertainty for me.
They ended up hurting pretty badly. Since three of my toes are really short, my big toe does almost all of the work. It’s pretty complicated and can be rather painful. It was interesting how the shoes affected my feet in some places, but not others. For instance, usually my arches are aching pretty good by the end of class. This time, they were fine. They aren’t even sore this morning. My toes are okay today, but I need to make sure the pain isn’t enough to make me hesitate when I feel it while dancing. That’s how I can end up hurt.
I don’t know if I would have made it through with them on the whole class–except maybe first class stubbornness?–had it not been for the littles. They are so encouraging and really believe in you. To them, I can do anything, and I really want to spend these few weeks believing them.
We did pique turns, which I wasn’t sure how they’d go with the troubles I was having in the new shoes. I was afraid it would be like before with the hesitation and defeat. But I actually did them fairly decently. Better than I would say is typical, at least in the stability department. I’m still too afraid to pirouette on them just yet, but I’m hopeful that they provide better stability that I can do better if I can figure out how to not let them hurt so much.

I did get a, “Good, Emilee!” from Mrs. Vanessa during Adagio, but I don’t really remember what it was for. (I think it was adagio?) I remember when she said it thinking, “She knows my name!” and then thinking how good whatever it was felt right before she complimented me. I hope she teaches more of our classes.

Next Thursday we have a guest teacher from the Houston Ballet coming in. That’s what I’m really nervous for. They don’t know me, and I stick out like a sore thumb in this class, so I’m not sure what to expect. (Between looking 15, but being 26? Whatever. I’m not really worried about it, just nervous and curious)

Elizabeth, the doll, brought me some of her elastic so I can sew my Airess shoes for tomorrow’s class. She was also helping me evaluate how the shoes worked today and what I can do to try and get them to not hurt so much. She is a true gem. I have great friends in my life.
I’m excited for tomorrow’s class and hopeful my toes will hold out. If I had the private lesson yesterday I probably wouldn’t have made it.

Stay tuned on the continuing saga of Emilee’s anxiety-stricken summer classes! (just keep it in check, right?)

Oh look! An update!

It’s been a while since I’ve had a class to post about, but never fear! Classes start again for summer today, and my first one is tomorrow.
I’m taking the intermediate level, which consists of levels 2, 3, and 4. I was torn about deciding intermediate over advanced, being that it will be geared more toward the younger ones (so I’m told?) and I don’t want my choice to cause me to be written off. But upon consulting a more advanced friend, as well as Ms. Lori, Intermediate is probably a good choice for me this year.

  • I’ve never done a beginner pointe class. What we did at Instep was close to one, but my shoes weren’t fitted right and I struggled so much that I couldn’t even finish the class in my shoes.
  • Going back to the basics is always a good idea. Plus it’ll help me know what to do at home by myself.
  • I’m not biting off more than I can chew. I’d rather be on the advanced side of intermediate than drown in the advanced class. 
  • The goal is to dance it en pointe. Even if I could do advanced on flat, I don’t want to use the time when I could be doing pointe across the hall.
  • My back is still messed up. Ms. Lori pointed out this would be better for me than pushing it too hard when it’s still pretty crooked. (Plus the chiropractor keeps side commenting about dance. He hasn’t told me to stop, but I’m terrified if I say the wrong thing that he will.)
  • I’m taking private lessons from Mrs. Abby to help me improve further.
Coming into this week, I’m really glad I don’t have to mentally prepare myself to do super-complex things that I really don’t know how to do, but I do have to prepare to be “on” in the sense that I will be with the younger levels, and they really like me. 
I love those girls, and I’m glad to get to take a class with them, but I’m a bit nervous of how it could go in a way that could show a side of weakness for me and cause anxiety. I don’t know if that makes sense. Oh well.
I’m not extremely worried about it or anything, it’s just a thought in my head.
My first private lesson will be on Thursday. I’m nervous/excited about this (more excited than nervous) and really hopeful that it will go well. I really trust Abby. She has a great way of explaining things in a way that is easy to understand and grasp, as well as motivating without making me hate myself. Plus, since we’ve become friends, she knows all of my health woes. I know she will be understanding of my limitations, but not write me off because of them. Does that make sense? My brain has been mush today. Oh well.
I got invited to go to a spontaneous pointe shoe fitting last week, but it fell through. I was both sad and kinda glad, because the place we would be going didn’t have a shoe similar to what I wear, and I didn’t want to spend so much money on something that wouldn’t do me any good when I know a shoe that does me good is down the road. 
My co worker had to go to Austin, and said if I went along, we could swing by Capezio. (what a gem.)
I emailed Amanda, who is the wonderful lady who took Jordan’s spot, and asked what she thought. She said it would be a good idea to make sure there wasn’t anything better for me now that I knew what I liked and what worked for my feet. 
For some reason, I was hesitant to get excited (I guess I do this?) in case it fell through or something, but it didn’t.
At 11:15, I walked into Capezio (early, oops.) and met with the girl Amanda said would be there and told her my feet woes and she kinda stared at my toes with an I’ve-never-seen-such-weird-feet look and it was funny. She went back to their shoe room and as I waited, I noticed that they carried the new Airess that had come out not too long ago. I immediately text my friend Elizabeth and told her. We had talked of pointe shoes at a photo shoot I did of her the Saturday before. She was the one that suggested the secondary fitting to make sure the shank breaking wasn’t due to an issue with the shoe to my foot, and mentioned how she wanted to buy a pair just to try them on then send them back. 
When the girl came out, I asked if I could try them. She said, “Actually, that’s the shoe I brought you.” 
Perfect.
She said they have six different types of the Airess, with two different box styles, three different shank strengths, and something else I don’t remember because I was so excited. These shoes have been pumped up not just by the company, but by many dancers in the industry. To say I was curious is an understatement.
I remember when I did the fitting in September, even Jordan made a comment about some people not liking how Capezio looked on their feet. The first thing I noticed with the Airess is how clean it looked. 
The first pair she brought out were a little small for my feet, but when she grabbed the second pair, it was near perfect. (It should be noted, I tried them on with no toe pads at first. hah.)
I went over to the barre and went on releve and the girl said, “You get over your box really well!” Which just made me feel great. 
I couldn’t really tell if my toes were scrunching or if they were just perfect, which tends to be my struggle in new shoes. If you err on the side of maybe-they-are-scrunching your shoe can end up huge and makes dancing particularly complicated being that most of my toes are midgets already and don’t fill up the shoe.
The shape of the tapered boxed, super hard shanked Airess that I tried was perfect for my wide jointed, but tiny-toed feet. I was over-the-moon-thrilled about it. So I bought them.
All in all, the fitting took maybe seven minutes, tops. 
I looked around the store for new tights and to check out their leotards when the girl mentioned that all the leos were 15% percent off. I said, “Don’t tell me that!” and she apologized, which made me laugh. (I told her to tell me that after. It wasn’t as awkward or rude as it sounds, go with me here.)
Typically I have a hard time finding leotards that are long enough for me, but this time I found three. THREE.
Two of them were simple styles, but ones I had been looking at getting online (now 15% off and no shipping!) The other was fancy. I’m really excited.
The whole rest of the day (which was a long one) I was gushing over my fifteen minutes in the heaven reincarnate that is known as Capezio Austin. I put the shoes on and text a picture to Lillian and we squealed and it’s just great. 
I have sewn the ones I had special ordered–which weren’t supposed to come in until August, but happened to make it there Wednesday and they held them for me–and have to wait til after tomorrow to sew the Airess, but I don’t really want to try those until I have Abby as a teacher. They gave me elastic for both pairs, but I have to cross mine and one is never enough, so I used both to sew the one pair I’ll need for tomorrow.
(She had noted that the shank on my left shoe twists a little, but she didn’t think it was enough to cause alarm and that crossing the elastic should fix it. Thankfully this time I sewed them tightly enough.)
One of my friends has a giant roll of elastic and told me not to get anymore, so she’s bringing me some on Tuesday. Such a gem. So I’ll be able to have the Airess sewn by Thursday’s class.
All in all it was a very productive Saturday. A trip I really needed to make happen but couldn’t figure out how I could swing it when it found its way into happening on its own. 
It’s like ballet wants me to dance it.
The loot.

They’re just so beautiful…

This is what I sent Lillian.
You’re welcome.
(please note the driver’s seat I was behind was occupied by a 6’5″ person and I was smooshed.)

Post-season

I’m beginning to go crazy, not having dance classes. My body is angry about it and my muscles are protesting.
But I’m using the time to see some friends and get things done. So that’s nice.
(And still remaining active. It helps that I’m cat/dog sitting most of the time so I actually have floor space to work on stuff. Score!)

I had asked Ms. Lori before about the possibility of private lessons this summer. She was all for it, so I waited until after recital and her graduation to mention it again. Turn out, it’s looking like her schedule may not allow for it (which I actually felt might happen) so she’s gonna keep me updated.
My next choice was to ask my friend Abby (the Wicked Witch, Abby) if she would be up for it. I don’t even know if she offers them or would be willing, but I do know she is one of if not the most qualified teacher in our area (after Ms. Lori, I’d think) and the fact she’s my friend would help. Plus, she’s very understanding of the adult ballerina challenges, and we have gotten to know each other through this. She said she would be thrilled to work with me, so private lessons this summer are looking to be happening!

I really want to do these so I don’t drown in the V’s next year. I’m taking the intermediate classes this summer, which include levels II-IV, so I’ll be on the upper end of it. But I think it’ll be good for me to have the basics and really work on them; and more than likely learn things I was just never taught, but assumed to know. (Plus, Abby may be teaching some of them, so that’s extra exciting!)
I know Abby is a no-nonsense teacher. She will push you toward greatness, but will also take into consideration all the stupid issues my body is throwing at me. She knows the balance and won’t let me make excuses.
I trust her.

I’m hopeful and excited that this could be really good for me. I may have to get some Grishko’s until my Capezio’s come in (projected date of August?) since they take longer to make and I didn’t get the order in when I really wanted/needed to. No worries. The dance store here should be able to accommodate. (I hope, at least.)

I’m nervous for summer, but only because it’s new. I’m sure I will love it and miss it when it’s over.
One thing I know for sure is that I just want to be back in classes.

Since I’m missing it so much, enjoy some more pictures from Recital.

I know I’ve posted some of these already, but oh well.

Recital

I really want to write this post, but I’m finding myself a little cloudy in the mind. I first noticed it last night, and woke up feeling like I got hit by a truck, so I’m going to attempt to write this out but if it’s a little off, forgive me.

Last night was the second day of our annual recital. My first one at this new studio. I only danced on the Saturday, but I helped with the Friday show. Ms. Munro put me in charge of the Rehearsal Hall, where all the younger dancers were gathered. (I got a walkie talkie! And a clipboard!) She thought I had done recitals with them before. I told her I hadn’t, but if she told me what she wanted I could do it. It ended up being fairly simple, at least my part. The other volunteers (mostly from one of the local high schools) did a lot of the brunt work. (organizing little kids is a lot like herding cats.) Their effectiveness made my job easy.
Friday was the bigger day, although Saturday had a dance of 5-ish year olds with 30 kids.
30.
To keep in order down three flights of stairs and quiet backstage.
And they were only one of 5 groups in the room.
These girls deserve awards.

I missed seeing my favorite dance on Saturday, but had gotten to see it Friday and at rehearsal on Thursday.
I almost rolled my ankle before the show, but managed to not. My shanks are starting to die. Apparently there’s a way to duct tape them to help them last longer, but I need to look into this still.

We danced and it went really well. I was actually the one that was off on the lines out of everybody. Oops. Cloudy brain hit me hard. But Mom said no one could really tell, and she couldn’t tell at all, so that’s good at least.
The dance felt really good. I was sad that I couldn’t be with my girls in the dressing room before hand, but I was really proud of all of them. They did so great. Not just in our dance, either.
One of my favorite things of the whole recital was being side stage, watching some of my babies (and of course taking pictures.) some of them would see me, and we’d lock eyes, and you’d see their faces just beam. It makes you feel good to know you make someone else feel good.

I would say the recital was a success.
The lady who works for the building where we dance and guards the stage entrance door, Pat, was there working the recital shows. We saw her a few times during Oz, but I was glad to have her every day of recital. She is a naturally kind person, I love her. Last night she had a program, and she marked certain dances she wanted to sneak backstage to watch. How sweet, right? She was so encouraging and blown away. She told me afterwards, “That was so beautiful! Like a real ballet!” I got a picture with her, and gave her the extra flower crown we had from our dance. She is such a gem.

Elizabeth also got to sneak backstage and watch us, which was really great. She helps with quick changes and didn’t think she’d be able to see us, but she got to. It really means a lot to me. I know I’m not the only one she loves in the dance, but to have her be so supportive and encouraging and just so lovely is something I cherish. I mean, people are usually nice to me, but nothing like this. And she doesn’t have to be, ya know? She’s just naturally lovely.

I’m really grateful to have my Instep crew at this studio. Andie, Annika, Hanna and some of the younger girls have really rounded out this experience. I love seeing them all thrive and succeed and display these beautiful works of art through movement. I couldn’t be more proud of them, and I’m completely honored to call them my friends.

I miss my girls already. Not all of them are taking summer classes. One is moving away and this was her last performance with us. It definitely won’t be the same without her next year, but I am excited for her new opportunities.

My mom somehow misplaced their recital tickets before the show yesterday. I text Andie to see if she thought Ms. Nancy would be able to help me out or if my parents would have to buy new ones. She said Ms. Nancy would definitely help me out, so I found her when I got to the theatre and told her what was going down. She went with me to the ticket lady, and even gave me one for my sister for free. She also asked me if I was doing summer classes. I told her I was taking the evening ones since I work during the day. She told me that they wanted to compensate me for all my help this weekend, and so to go ahead and register online, but when it came to payment I wouldn’t have to worry about it. I wanted to cry, it was too good to be true. Summer classes are kind of steep and I really wasn’t sure how I would pay for it. But I wanted to be there so I figured I’d worry about it when the time came. Now I don’t have to worry about it at all. It’s especially nice since I’ve been getting kind of beat up on the work-front. This makes a big difference. Even though things at work aren’t in my favor, it’s nice to know other things are that kind of make up the difference. I’m extremely grateful.

My parents came to the show (sister stayed home) and really enjoyed the VIP Parking I had ended up with (Thanks, Mrs. Alex!) for the night. Parking is one of the number one concerns for these shows, so I was hopeful having the stress-free VIP option would help. It really did.
They stayed for the entire show, and even waited to meet me afterwards. When they did, they told me how much they really enjoyed it, and it was genuine. They told me they were so proud of me, and that I did really well. Mom even said, “You looked like a real ballerina up there!”
So even though I didn’t get the opportunity to prove myself in two classes at my old studio, I still proved myself. It felt really good.
I followed my dream for me, and now they see why. They see that I love it.

My friends from Instep, McKenna and Cambrielle, (and mom!) came to see the show, as well! I had no idea, and actually saw them downstairs when I had one shoe off, but I took off down the stairs to see them anyway. It really meant the world to have them there. They were two people that were absolutely pivotal in my story when I first began this road. McKenna would see the panic on my face and meet me in the corner to do the combination with me when I panicked. We also used to teach baby classes together the last year. It’s so great whenever the people you love support what you love. I can’t express how much it means.

This was a wonderful way to cap off the end of the season. I’m sad it’s over, but I’m so grateful it happened.
It’s amazing to see how far we have come in just a year.
I can’t wait to see where we go from here. Especially Annika. That girl has a bright future ahead.
If I get emotional seeing my dance babies grow and succeed, I’m screwed for when I have my own kids. I’m gonna be a mess.!

It was really cool to have some of the other dancer’s moms (and little sisters) come up to me after the show and tell me how great I did. And to know it wasn’t just them being nice, but that they meant it. That they see improvement in me from the beginning of the year. And to have some of my babies who didn’t dance Saturday come out just to see us and support us, it’s really good for the soul.

This is what I’m alive for. This makes all the trouble and stress of life worth pushing through. Loving people and being loved by people.

My heart is full.

My cousin, Lauren, and I

Cambielle, me, and McKenna

Mom and Dad

Mrs. Pat 🙂

Shrub

Hanna B 🙂

Cousin and I againnnn 😀

Elizabeth and I 😀
Sweet Jasmine

Emerson! 

Feetsies

Catherine, my tiny dancer

watching the V’s 
Or maybe advanced? I don’t remember which class they are

Lauren

Shruuuub

Lucy!

Alyssa with some of the 30 of the babies

I taught that one in the back at Instep. She doesn’t remember… haha

Epiphany about previous post.

While sorting through pictures and talking to one of my dance friends, Annika, I think I have come to at least a partial conclusion as to why I seem to have this mindset about my dancing ability.

When I danced as a kid, my parents always came.
They’d sit through the recital, they’d bring flowers, they’d take pictures.
I felt like I was a wonderful dancers, until my friends would tell me where I messed up or I watched the recital video for myself and saw they were right.

Now I’m an adult, and I do recitals, and this year I’ve found myself in a studio that also does two major productions.
And at first, when I was at my old studio, I did recital, and holiday showcase in the winter, and I would hope my parents would come. It was important to me. I wanted them to be there and tell me how great I was and how proud they were of me. And they came. And they complained about how rough parking was and how it made them get there late and get bad seats. And my sister gave me flowers which I really appreciated but felt bad about. And then mom made a comment after recital, “How long does this dance thing last?” And I realized she didn’t meant this season, but how long was I going to dance. And I told her until my feet fall off.
So the next year, I didn’t press them to come. I made it an option and let them decide if they wanted to come. There was one of the holiday showcases where mom told me she wasn’t going to come. And that dad probably wouldn’t want to. So I asked him, and he scoffed at me for thinking he wouldn’t want to come and that if I was dancing, he would be there. So mom went with him. And then for recital, Dad couldn’t come because he was working on a little house he’s building in the backyard for me, so I understood why he couldn’t be there. And mom had to work. And my sister wasn’t there. I don’t think they came, at least. If they did, I don’t remember. And it was my last recital with that studio, and a dance I was really proud of.
I had to figure out in myself why I dance. I had to dance for me. To learn that this isn’t about anyone else and their approval, but because I love it.
And, boy do I love it.

This year was a little easier since two of the shows were productions. My sister was excited to see The Nutcracker–my first dance ever en pointe–and The Wizard of Oz proved to be interesting. I told Dad if he had to pick one to go to out of Oz and recital to pick recital because I’m really proud of this dance. Not that I wasn’t proud of Oz, but recital is en pointe, and that’s more of a challenge for me.
Mom and my sister came to Oz, they all went to Nutcracker, and Mom and Dad are coming to recital and maybe my sister.

I understand that they may not really care about ballet. Definitely not as much as I do. I understand that recital’s can be really drawn out, especially if you only know one person in one 3 minute dance. (Mom made a comment once about “maybe if you were in more than one” which really bummed me out when a girl dropped from the advanced class and instead of putting me in they just reblocked it. I just wasn’t good enough.)
I understand that I am an adult. That this is something that is solely on me–they don’t have to drive me anywhere, they don’t pay for anything with it, they have nothing invested.

But I guess something in me subconsciously stuck with that mindset.
I’m not good enough to be in the extra dance.
Maybe next year.
Studio closes, there is no next year to prove to myself that I am.
New studio.
I can’t do anything in the V’s en pointe. I’m not good enough.
Maybe if I were better then my parents would want to come see me.

And I didn’t realize all of this until I was talking to Annika. And I told her my parents were coming. And my brain thought about how her mom goes to see every single one of her shows, even if it’s the same dances. Because she loves to watch her dance. And I thought of Ms. Jane and how she never gets tired of watching Elizabeth dance. But I’m not good enough for my Mom to want to watch me dance. And last night she said if I would have danced the V’s, which performed last night, as well as the IV’s, which is tonight, she would have only came to one, even though they’re different dances. And my mind connected that to I’m just not good enough.

And it clicked.

Now, I don’t blame my parents for this. I truly understand. Especially during such busy times of year.
And I’ve had friends come out and support me, and I know I’m well loved.
And I guess I never realized how settled this was in my heart.

What will I do with this information?
I don’t know.

I guess it’s kind of like when a musician or an actress is starting out, and not everyone takes them seriously. And then when they stick with it and bust out on the scene and all of a sudden they’re a big name, that’s when everyone wants to claim that they know them.
When I am “good enough” for them, will I feel less indifferent to their attendance?
What matters most to me are the people who are here for me, now, during the process.
Those are the people who are the true gems.
The ones who believe in me before my breakthrough.

I’m hopeful to get to take more classes and improve. I’m hopeful to get to take those private lessons with Ms. Lori or maybe Mrs. Abby. I’m hopeful.

My Mom always listens to my stories after rehearsals or class. That’s something.

Personal.

“Emilee’s a good dancer I dont know why she doesn’t think so cause she is”

My friend sent me this quote from her sister last night.
Why is it that my first response–after how adorable her sister is–was “Who said I though that?” But then I realized that I probably didn’t even realize I said it. It may not have been so many words, but more so my actions and body language. I responded with, “Am I really? Cause I don’t really feel like much of one.” Which was how I really felt, when I am completely honest with myself.

To which she tells me
“I mean I don’t tell ya just to make ya feel good.”

And that’s the thing. This friend won’t tell me something just to make me feel good.
She’s honest. Even if it isn’t pleasant.
And that’s one of my favorite things about her.

So if she sees it, and her sister sees it, why do I have such a hard time seeing it?

I struggle. Especially en pointe. I was too afraid to do the 5s class en pointe because I knew I was behind. There were some things that were just over my head and I didn’t want to risk it. My extensions aren’t as high as I would like and I’m riddled with health issues that keep increasing in number and severity as time goes on. I’m inexperienced and falling behind those in my 4s class. (seriously? How are these girls doing doubles en pointe? I can’t even do two on flat! and I struggle with one en pointe! What gives!) I’m not super talented like my other friend who literally makes people cry with her expression as well as her incredible technique.

I’m awkward and overweight and scared of everything.

Yet these people say that I’m good.

And when I hear that, my initial response is, “Yeah, well they just think that because I know how to fake it really well. It’s not that I’m actually good. I’m just good at making my face seem like everything is okay.”

I really want to improve.
I want to learn more.
I want to practice.
I want to take privates and get more confident.
I feel like if I were more confident and more stable in my footing then maybe I would believe them.
If my thighs were a little more trim and my arms were tone again then maybe I’d actually look the part.

But why am I this shallow?
When I’m the first to shut it down in someone else if I hear the same thing? Because I can see something they don’t see in themselves. Why don’t I believe it when someone does the same for me?

I’ll let you know as I figure it out…

Today is the first recital day. I dance tomorrow, but I’m helping with the kids today.
I’m excited and sad that this year is officially over.
I’m a little nervous for what next year will actually hold, and uncertain of these summer classes.

But being around everyone yesterday, dancing this beautiful piece, I know that dance isn’t something I want to give up.
That concrete stage actually felt the best on my feet than anything, and I don’t know how that makes sense.

I’m just praying my shoes don’t die tomorrow. Because my new ones won’t be in until August.

I have a lot left to learn; about ballet and about myself and about this world I live in.
I really want to believe them when they tell me these things.
Ironically, this friend’s sister is the one I saw dancing that first made me believe that I could do this.
I saw her and thought, “If she can do that, maybe I can too.”

Please be patient with me. I’ve got a lot of demons I’m fighting.
I’m learning.

Post-show blues

I’m finding myself having a hard time dealing with the fact that Oz is over.
Maybe it’s a bit more extreme since the studio is also finished with classes until the summer session begins (which isn’t until June.) and I don’t yet have the means to really practice at home.

I knew I’d miss the show, but I didn’t really expect to miss dancing this much.
Usually when I have some sort of a break between classes, I’m sad, but I take it. Usually I’ll come back and be better; like my body needed the time off to come back stronger.
But this one seems to be a bit more grueling than is typical.

Maybe the fact that Oz was so wonderful makes it more difficult as well.
I know this wasn’t the case for everyone, but for me the entire experience was wonderful. I finally found myself in a place where I felt like I mattered and wasn’t wasting my time. Where I was doing something I actually enjoy for myself and not because everyone tells me it’s something I have to do.
I was committing myself to be part of something bigger than me, and given the liberty to do so.

Now I’m facing change and new.
Summer classes will be different than anything I’m used to. Classes I can take will only be twice a week. It will be a mixed group of people and whether I will be on the advanced or beginning part of that spectrum is up in the air. It will only be for a month, when I will be gone for two weeks, and not sure what classes (if any) happen after that. Next year I will go into a different level with different teachers and different people bringing different experiences. Whether I still take the 4’s class is also up in the air and will probably depend on a few different factors.
I know all these things will work themselves out and I will be fine, but the before always makes me nervous when new things are ahead. I’m not freaking out, though, so please save your opinions for yourself.
I do realize this could be a year of wonderful up ahead. I realize it could be painful. I realize it could be fulfilling or disappointing or both. There are so many factors and we will take them as they come.

One thing I have learned having to go to the chiropractor is what trust truly means.
When your back is jacked up and you have to rely on these people you don’t know to take care of you, letting yourself not freak out at the fact you’re half naked on the masseuses table with someone whose real name you don’t know is touching your bare back, or someone else is asking you to lift your shirt so they can place the treatment spots on your lower back, or you’re lying flat on your back and you absolutely cannot let yourself tense up as the chiropractor pops your neck in ways that resemble murders you’ve seen in movies–you have to trust.
And when you trust, it isn’t always broken.
Sometimes it’s wonderful, and you have better range of motion, and your neck feels like a weight has been lifted, and your back begins to improve.
Sometimes good things actually happen to you and you have someone believe you when you tell them that something feels like it’s off and it turns out it was neurological and this could lead to answers for other things you’ve been searching for for years.
Maybe not.
But you know that since these people haven’t abused your trust thus far that they can be trusted in the future.

So it goes with ballet.
Trust that you’ll be exactly where you need to be, just like you have been all alone.
Leave yourself open to meet more wonderful people like you have in the last year.
Keep your mind open to new opportunities that could arise.
Choose to see the best even if disappointment lies ahead because–honestly–how can you top an experience like the one you’re leaving?

Life will work out exactly as it’s supposed to.
Don’t worry.