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Emilee

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My friend Bailey and her company @companythreesixty made this and I have no more words to add. It’s perfect. #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ Why didn’t I report? I didn’t report because I thought that if I’m in a relationship with someone, it meant it was equally my fault. I thought the years of unhealthy feelings towards myself which ensued, were still invalid since it could have been worse. I thought I shouldn’t tell my Momma until a couple of years later on a beautiful mountain walk together, and even then, I softened the story from shame for how I’d appear to the person I love the most. I didn’t report because we live in a world where men use sentences like “it can always be worse” as psychological shrapnel. A world that tells us we should have done more to stop it. A world that, even when I remember the attempts to push away as clearly as consciousness cinema, I was scared to push too hard because I didn’t want to make someone mad. A world that makes me worry at sharing, because I have young students and ‘should be a role-model’: with a role model being pure, respectable, elite, undamaged. Now, a mother, wife, champion, boss... I still worry to report as innocuously as through a #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, lest I somehow appear less for having shared. But as someone who’s survived a darkness far worse than that described, and Shawshanked her way to a life of light- save for second glances over shoulders- I can say that the hardest person to report to is actually... yourself. It’s the you that you had once hoped to be. The you that you’ll never be again. The you that you wish you could go back and protect. The you you wish you had been (louder, less in shock, less weak). The you that once was but was taken. To all the Yous you once were reading this (and the You in me who still feels cemented by shame)... this should never have happened. It doesn’t matter how loud, quiet, forceful... how well you knew them.... You didn’t deserve to lose You because your body wasn’t left as yours. None of us do. None of us ever will. There is no good way to end this bit of writing, because the truth is: it hasn’t ended. A perfect sentence will not wrap this up. Y
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Teaching on my birthday is my favorite thing. Hi, I’m 30, and I gave full sized cupcakes to three year olds and I’m sure their parents hate me
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Gotta get back to Hogwarts Gotta get back to school Gotta get myself to Hogwarts Where everything is magicooooool
Mischief Managed.

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Summer Break

I have had quite a crazy past few weeks.
We only had 4 weeks of summer classes, and wouldn’t you know I got sick halfway through. I had to skip one class all together, leave early for another, and struggled through the next.
Yesterday was our last one before break, and even though I didn’t feel too well before class, I managed to do alright once I got there. (Although I am super clumsy and hit the knuckle of my pinkie toe on the door frame, giving it a nice bruise before class.)
Jilissa has been having some pretty bad pain in her foot and has subsequently been in a boot, which is both sad and hilarious. Still, she manages to get through class successfully. It’s quite impressive, really, and she’s a good sport about it all.
We used the music from “ballet goes pop” for our last class. It’s where they take current songs and turn them into instrumental scores, able to be used in class and such. It was really fun trying to guess what song it was and I’m sure singing along the whole time helped with our breathing 😉
Jilissa even gave us a combination to incorporate the YMCA to go along with the song.
(I had that filmed, but just to enjoy when I get all reminiscent.)

So, why did I take the time to write this journal entry-style post, instead of finding something deep and philosophical to write about?
Because when it comes down to it, if you’re not enjoying what you do, there’s no point.

I have really enjoyed this month of classes, even when I was cloudy brained and struggling.
You don’t give up.
You do it because you love it.
You push yourself until your breaking point, and then you push harder.
Because there’s no reason not to try.
You won’t improve if you don’t push through the impossible.
Because this is why I take ballet.

The babies were really adorable, too. It’s like the last day of school, where everyone is happy to be there and really silly at the same time. They did really great and were so sweet. My favorite moment was definitely when sweet Isabella came up to me in the hallway before class and gave me a hug. She is such a smart and sweet girl, but not usually over-affectionate. It made me feel really important, like I’m doing something right.
We got a picture with the girls after class before we let them go. Then they all hugged us on their own and said their sweet goodbye’s and see you later’s.
Next year I get to teach a couple of their classes, along with a few Kinder classes. (Which is new to me, but I’m excited for.) I’ll be at the class four days a week, and I couldn’t be happier about it.
It’s a lot of driving and late nights, but it’s worth it.

I’m on cloud 9.

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