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Emilee

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My front facing camera broke on my phone, making my already limited picture taking even MORE limited. Have a throw back from last spring. I have a blog post in the works. Life has been kinda nutty, my laptop *also* bit the dirt, and things have been kind of overwhelming. Y’all are always on my mind, though! You’ll be hearing from me soon. 💕
Classes yesterday brought to you in part by @leakycon (I don’t usually dress up for costume week, but i do try and incorporate Harry Potter to some degree 🤷🏼‍♀️)
New blog post, link in bio!
My friend Bailey and her company @companythreesixty made this and I have no more words to add. It’s perfect. #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ Why didn’t I report? I didn’t report because I thought that if I’m in a relationship with someone, it meant it was equally my fault. I thought the years of unhealthy feelings towards myself which ensued, were still invalid since it could have been worse. I thought I shouldn’t tell my Momma until a couple of years later on a beautiful mountain walk together, and even then, I softened the story from shame for how I’d appear to the person I love the most. I didn’t report because we live in a world where men use sentences like “it can always be worse” as psychological shrapnel. A world that tells us we should have done more to stop it. A world that, even when I remember the attempts to push away as clearly as consciousness cinema, I was scared to push too hard because I didn’t want to make someone mad. A world that makes me worry at sharing, because I have young students and ‘should be a role-model’: with a role model being pure, respectable, elite, undamaged. Now, a mother, wife, champion, boss... I still worry to report as innocuously as through a #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, lest I somehow appear less for having shared. But as someone who’s survived a darkness far worse than that described, and Shawshanked her way to a life of light- save for second glances over shoulders- I can say that the hardest person to report to is actually... yourself. It’s the you that you had once hoped to be. The you that you’ll never be again. The you that you wish you could go back and protect. The you you wish you had been (louder, less in shock, less weak). The you that once was but was taken. To all the Yous you once were reading this (and the You in me who still feels cemented by shame)... this should never have happened. It doesn’t matter how loud, quiet, forceful... how well you knew them.... You didn’t deserve to lose You because your body wasn’t left as yours. None of us do. None of us ever will. There is no good way to end this bit of writing, because the truth is: it hasn’t ended. A perfect sentence will not wrap this up. Y
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Teaching on my birthday is my favorite thing. Hi, I’m 30, and I gave full sized cupcakes to three year olds and I’m sure their parents hate me

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New studio thoughts.

I’m watching The Joffrey Ballet rehearse for Swan Lake with no volume so they don’t find out at work.
I’m also talking to a friend of mine about the possibility of auditioning for this year’s nutcracker. She did it last year, and I had been thinking about how much fun that would be. I just don’t know if I have enough skills yet. She says I do. I wish I could dedicate more to ballet.
It’s got me reflecting back on yesterday’s class.
My friend Liz brought the gel toe pads, so I decided to try the Ballet V Pointe class with them to see what my toes would do.
They went numb, as usual, but they didn’t hurt. I mean, it kinda felt like my toe nail would pop off, but I think that’s just my nail bed. It was something I felt, but not something that really bothered me. (If that makes sense?) What I need now is practice. It was amazing how much my balance improved with those toe pads, and I don’t mean when en pointe. Before, I would struggle even doing moves flat, just because my pointe shoes were on. It was almost as if everything I knew went out the window because my brain was so consumed with the shoes. But yesterday I was able to actually able to forget about that and just dance.
But I was so out of practice, that I didn’t try the lame ducks. I didn’t try the turns from second.
I did try (And semi-succeed at) the funny soutenu turn we had in there. And I have been able to do turn preps, which I couldn’t even manage before.
We’re doing a class today with the ballet IV’s and pointe IV’s. I’m nervous only because it’s the little kids, but I think it’ll be good. I think it’ll help my confidence and help me build up the strength and skill I need.
My friend Lilian said it was the class she did last year.
She’s also the one trying to get me to audition for The Nutcracker.
It would be a dream to get to do it. The closest to a real ballet I would ever get. (Well, it is a real ballet. But, I mean, like, with a company or whatever.) It wouldn’t be a big part, but it would be fun nonetheless. Lilian thinks I’m good enough. I’m nervous. I have about a month to decide, so we’ll see.

A comment the teacher made yesterday really made me feel good.
We were doing this barre combo, and the first side we did she said, “That was actually really good. I thought it was going to be a mess, but you all really went for it.”
Then the next time she said, “You look like the corps out there. You were all so together.”
This made me feel impeccable.
What I’m used to is being in class mixed with girls who are only there because they have to be. These girls are there because they want to be. The challenge me to try my best, and then try harder still. When we all look good together, it really encourages you.

Another thing I noticed was the younger girls.
They’re good. Some of them are insanely good. But of course they are, they’re in the studio every moment they’re allowed to be. They work hard. They’re dedicated. I was intimidated by them at first.
Then as we were doing barre, and I was actually able to retain the combos. (Which really made me feel good. If I would just breathe and not over think, then I would float right through them and be able to focus on technique and stuff instead of focusing on “what’s next?”)
I was confident, and able to use my head, and as I looked towards the girls parallel to me, my eyes rested on some of the girls for a second, and I noticed that they were watching me. 
These extremely talented dancers were looking to me for guidance in what step to do next.
I have something to offer.
I’m not drowning, here.
I have hopes that I’ll improve over my time here, no matter what happens in the future.
I’m hopeful.

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