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Emilee

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Mischief Managed.
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. #leakycon #leakycon2018
Y’all, check out my friend Baileys announcement!! I’m so excited for her and super pumped to watch this series she’s a part of! #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ The concept is simple: follow someone’s journey from surgery to stage. Showing the life of a mucus mutant. Showing the life of a bilingual Deaf family. Showing the life of a dancer and @companythreesixty dancers. It technically hits all the hashtags: #spoonie #deaf #adultballerina #bodypositive #chronicillness. It hopefully connects with many communities and provides another voice in the chorus of those wanting representation in media abound. It is positive: a positive network with a positive focus wanting to counter the negative swarmy troll farm that is most modern media to date. But... what if the concept becomes a reality? What if I show not just the recovery from latest rounds of surgeries... but the pain and swelling and funk between? What if I don’t fulfill some sort of diagnostic paradigm being that I am an Atypical diagnosis (and someone who hopes not to be defined by that anyways where I can)? What if we capture not just the invigorating process of putting together a show with women I ferociously admire and protect... but also, how totally messy dance life can be? What if we showcase a family that’s equal parts Deaf as hearing... yet our variable mix of signing, reading lips, caption and speech isn’t in keeping with what the world wants from us? Choosing to share our story has come with a lot of IFs... but we are braving it none the less. Although I can’t believe our pilot episode premiered TODAY and that I can finally announce the news... fear of judgement subsists. Can perspective, positivity and living an imperfect life as openly as possible actually be of benefit? The verdict is still out... but I’m excited to try. I’m excited to see. And I’m excited to get started.▪️Click Link In Bio To Watch The Pilot Or Go To: onlygood.tv▪️#CatchingBreaths
The builders weren’t out today, so I decided to have one last hoorah in our still empty, hurricane Harvey-Ed house. They’ve finally begun repairs, and I’m super pumped for it to be fixed, but also a bit sad at the loss of the house as we knew it and how it was growing up. Here I’m in our game room, the red wall is my bathroom, and to the right is my old bedroom, where I was the night before the storm came. The bed I slept on had ceiling and insulation fallen on it the next day. Still pretty surreal almost a year out. TL;DR I love my new @sodancausa dance sneakers I got from @cinqdanceessentials ! Super pumped for the new year!
We had a guest teacher in class last night. I wrote a blog post about it! Link is in the bio. (Spoiler. It was wonderful.) Thank you so much, @linds779 for teaching us! (Ps. My shirt is from @balletlibrarian ‘s book Cantique, you can totally still get ya one. It’s my favorite, obviously.) PD: photo of me and Lindsi Dec from Pacific Northwest Ballet after class.
Once upon a time, my toes used to touch the floor.

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New studio thoughts.

I’m watching The Joffrey Ballet rehearse for Swan Lake with no volume so they don’t find out at work.
I’m also talking to a friend of mine about the possibility of auditioning for this year’s nutcracker. She did it last year, and I had been thinking about how much fun that would be. I just don’t know if I have enough skills yet. She says I do. I wish I could dedicate more to ballet.
It’s got me reflecting back on yesterday’s class.
My friend Liz brought the gel toe pads, so I decided to try the Ballet V Pointe class with them to see what my toes would do.
They went numb, as usual, but they didn’t hurt. I mean, it kinda felt like my toe nail would pop off, but I think that’s just my nail bed. It was something I felt, but not something that really bothered me. (If that makes sense?) What I need now is practice. It was amazing how much my balance improved with those toe pads, and I don’t mean when en pointe. Before, I would struggle even doing moves flat, just because my pointe shoes were on. It was almost as if everything I knew went out the window because my brain was so consumed with the shoes. But yesterday I was able to actually able to forget about that and just dance.
But I was so out of practice, that I didn’t try the lame ducks. I didn’t try the turns from second.
I did try (And semi-succeed at) the funny soutenu turn we had in there. And I have been able to do turn preps, which I couldn’t even manage before.
We’re doing a class today with the ballet IV’s and pointe IV’s. I’m nervous only because it’s the little kids, but I think it’ll be good. I think it’ll help my confidence and help me build up the strength and skill I need.
My friend Lilian said it was the class she did last year.
She’s also the one trying to get me to audition for The Nutcracker.
It would be a dream to get to do it. The closest to a real ballet I would ever get. (Well, it is a real ballet. But, I mean, like, with a company or whatever.) It wouldn’t be a big part, but it would be fun nonetheless. Lilian thinks I’m good enough. I’m nervous. I have about a month to decide, so we’ll see.

A comment the teacher made yesterday really made me feel good.
We were doing this barre combo, and the first side we did she said, “That was actually really good. I thought it was going to be a mess, but you all really went for it.”
Then the next time she said, “You look like the corps out there. You were all so together.”
This made me feel impeccable.
What I’m used to is being in class mixed with girls who are only there because they have to be. These girls are there because they want to be. The challenge me to try my best, and then try harder still. When we all look good together, it really encourages you.

Another thing I noticed was the younger girls.
They’re good. Some of them are insanely good. But of course they are, they’re in the studio every moment they’re allowed to be. They work hard. They’re dedicated. I was intimidated by them at first.
Then as we were doing barre, and I was actually able to retain the combos. (Which really made me feel good. If I would just breathe and not over think, then I would float right through them and be able to focus on technique and stuff instead of focusing on “what’s next?”)
I was confident, and able to use my head, and as I looked towards the girls parallel to me, my eyes rested on some of the girls for a second, and I noticed that they were watching me. 
These extremely talented dancers were looking to me for guidance in what step to do next.
I have something to offer.
I’m not drowning, here.
I have hopes that I’ll improve over my time here, no matter what happens in the future.
I’m hopeful.

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