The studio isn’t open again until Monday, meaning I’ve had a good couple weeks off from dance. 

I work full time, so I’ve still been at the office. It’s been nice having so much off time, which has been a frustrating reality. 

I love ballet. I need ballet. Literally. It’s the thing that keeps my health as good as it is, apart from whatever this autoimmune thing is. And teaching the babies makes me feel alive. I love them so much. But having this time of just work has put me in a weird place. I’m able to get way more done in my personal life, but I’ve also found myself to be way sadder. Dance makes me feel alive. 

I had a dream like we still had one more Nutcracker performance and I had to dance Snow. And I was freaking out because I didn’t know if my body could do one more show. I hadn’t run it, I hadn’t prepared myself. I freaked out. I woke up before I could dream how the dance went, and if Nutcracker taught me anything, it’s that I screw up if I overthink things. But reality is i don’t know how my body is going to let me keep going. 

Spring is going to put a huge load on me. Tax season, Snow White, teaching, recital… thinking about it stresses me out and I honestly don’t know how I’m gonna do it all. So I just don’t think about it, and take it day by day. 

I went home early from work yesterday. I started feeling sick after eating and faded fast. I came home and slept for almost two hours, which is highly unlike me. I woke up this morning hardly feeling any better. I had put off calling about the referral to the rheumatologist, but felt bad enough to where I actually called. The lady at my doctors office knew me by the sound of my voice, even though I’ve only spoken to her one other time. She’s on top of everything, and told me how she had actually just called the office she was referring me to the day before. The lady who handles referrals is on vacation until the 3rd, so I have to wait until then to find out when the appointment will be set, which will probably be a few months from now. Ya know, probably falling during tax season. I’m really hoping I don’t have to put it off until after tax season is over, since that would be May. 

Life is overwhelming. I don’t really know how I’ll get through all this, but I know I will. Cause I have to. 

My house may end up a mess, the dishes will probably pile up in my sink, and I probably won’t get to cook as much as I’d like to, but I’ll get through somehow. 

My ankle still hurts. I rest it for a while, but have done some warming up here and there so I’m not completely screwed when classes start up again. Maybe it’s largely the cold front we had come in last night, but who knows. 

I’ve gotta find music and choreograph dances for my babies sometime this weekend. I was supposed to get it done yesterday, but I hardly got out of bed. I’m better today, but not by much. Stupid body. Ugh. 


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