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Teaching on my birthday is my favorite thing. Hi, I’m 30, and I gave full sized cupcakes to three year olds and I’m sure their parents hate me
Hi, it’s been a minute, new blog post. Link in bio.
Gotta get back to Hogwarts Gotta get back to school Gotta get myself to Hogwarts Where everything is magicooooool
Mischief Managed.
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. #leakycon #leakycon2018
Y’all, check out my friend Baileys announcement!! I’m so excited for her and super pumped to watch this series she’s a part of! #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ The concept is simple: follow someone’s journey from surgery to stage. Showing the life of a mucus mutant. Showing the life of a bilingual Deaf family. Showing the life of a dancer and @companythreesixty dancers. It technically hits all the hashtags: #spoonie #deaf #adultballerina #bodypositive #chronicillness. It hopefully connects with many communities and provides another voice in the chorus of those wanting representation in media abound. It is positive: a positive network with a positive focus wanting to counter the negative swarmy troll farm that is most modern media to date. But... what if the concept becomes a reality? What if I show not just the recovery from latest rounds of surgeries... but the pain and swelling and funk between? What if I don’t fulfill some sort of diagnostic paradigm being that I am an Atypical diagnosis (and someone who hopes not to be defined by that anyways where I can)? What if we capture not just the invigorating process of putting together a show with women I ferociously admire and protect... but also, how totally messy dance life can be? What if we showcase a family that’s equal parts Deaf as hearing... yet our variable mix of signing, reading lips, caption and speech isn’t in keeping with what the world wants from us? Choosing to share our story has come with a lot of IFs... but we are braving it none the less. Although I can’t believe our pilot episode premiered TODAY and that I can finally announce the news... fear of judgement subsists. Can perspective, positivity and living an imperfect life as openly as possible actually be of benefit? The verdict is still out... but I’m excited to try. I’m excited to see. And I’m excited to get started.▪️Click Link In Bio To Watch The Pilot Or Go To:▪️#CatchingBreaths

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That back story post had me feeling all sorts of feels after I posted it. 

I had an outpouring of love from those in this incredible adult ballet community I have found since making my blog more public. It touched my heart in ways I didn’t know was possible. 

But then I had the stark realization that most of my story was out there. In public. For literally anyone to read. 

This made me panic. What was I thinking? How could I divulge all these details about myself for everyone to see? After all, usually I go about my day trying to pretend they don’t exist. I do my best to not let my health and all of its complications get the best of me. I fight the demons of my past daily, sometimes it seems to be a fight moment to moment. There’s even more that I didn’t write about, that only those in my inner circle really know. What the hell was i thinking?! 

But then I see posts, like one from a dear friend I’ve known for over a decade now, who saw my post and found the boldness to post about her own struggles. My heart went out to her as she endures such intense health battles, and yet my heart was strengthened. Not because she has it worse than me, (though she does) that’s the part that breaks my heart. To know she has to deal with this day in and day out with no end in sight. But it was strengthened in knowing that someone i know and respect is fighting a fight sort of like mine. Knowing that I’m not alone. So many things I don’t have words for. Having her in my life means more than words can say. 

Tax season is upon us, making the days long and stressful (and it’s only January.) this, mixed with everything else leaves me feeling pretty drained. It was a wonderful surprise yesterday when I saw a notification on Instagram that Hindsfeetballet had taken a line drawing she had done of me this summer and turned it into an exquisite water color. 

You see, I’m usually the one that takes the pictures. I’m rarely the one in them. Harder still is it to find one that seems to capture things the way I see them in my head (since I’m the only me, ya know. Kinda makes it impossible.) I’m 28 and know that my ballet days are probably numbered, at least when it comes to performances and stuff. (I hope to always dance.) In the back of my mind there’s always this wish that there would be someone who could somehow catch those shots of me (or any, really) to have for when I’m older. Those prized shots to look back on. These are my golden years. I want to remember them. I have a few staged ones, and some polaroids I love, and a handful of artist-y types, but they’re very few and far between. Seeing this touched my heart in ways I don’t have words for. 

Lindsey is one of my favorite fellow Instagram adult ballet gang girls. I’ve always felt that we’d be good friends if we lived close to each other, but I largely kept it to myself to hopefully not come off as a creep. Turns out the feeling is mutual, and she had some really kind words to say about me that turned me into a complete puddle. 

Then she busted out this. 

My absolute favorite picture I have of me dancing. It was taken by one of my favorite dance moms at our studio and means the world to me. It’s in my favorite costume I’ve ever worn in one of my favorite dances I’ve ever done. It’s actually a picture I’m proud of, not one I pick apart. 

For Lindsey to take that picture, on her own, and turn it into this incredible piece of art. Y’all, I literally couldn’t even. There aren’t words. But since this is a blog, I have to try. 

These pictures from Lindsey rounded out a beautiful lesson this week has taught me. I know that I’m unique, and that I matter, and that people love me and stuff, but I also know that I’m just an ordinary person. There’s nothing I have that the average person on the street couldn’t obtain. I’m not super privileged, though I do recognize the privileges I do have as such, and there are many. But I wasn’t born into a name that has rank, I wasn’t born into money, I wasn’t born into favor. I was born into an ordinary family that struggled quite a bit, but was headed by a father who held a good reputation as something of worth. I do recognize this to be one of my greatest privileges. My parents raised me in truth, which was one of the greatest gifts they could give me. Because even when they failed because they’re human and that’s what humans do, I recognized this and knew to seek out truth and let myself be guided by it. In this, I’ve followed my heart to the world of dance. Even when it was hard, even when it seemed impossible, even when people look at me and tell my Im stupid, when they think it’s a frivolous child thing, when I’m asked how much longer I’m going to do this like it’s a phase. Even when I feel too weak to walk a straight line, let alone attend a class or rehearsal. When my stomach hurts too much to hold my core. When I feel emotional pain more deeply than I feel physical pain. My heart leads me to dance. 

I began this blog as a sort of life lessons I’ve learned in dance sort of thing, and I’ve found no shortage of the like. And in it, I’ve also found these incredible friends. 

Friends that remind me, like I was this week by so many, but especially these two dear and cherished friends, that I am not alone in this life. That enduring is not foolish. That pursuing this crazy dream of mine that doesn’t really have rhyme or reason is something I should be proud of. 

I can’t explain what that truly means to me. It’s breath in my gasping lungs, it’s beats to my weary heart, it’s a balm on my stinging spirit. It’s the rope I’m holding on to as I navigate my way through this tense and uncertain season. 

These pictures gave me the impossible. The one thing I wished for more than anything, but that I saw no way of happening. She took a moment snapped in this season of my life and made it eternal. For that, I am beyond grateful. 

If you find yourself feeling like you aren’t very important, dismiss those thoughts right now. This week is absolute proof that you are more than enough right in the middle of your ordinary.  Your single, solitary life influences more people around you than you realize. It’s in your hands whether that will be a good thing or a bad thing. 

Make it a good thing. 

Chin up, darling. You are valued and loved. You matter, oh, how you matter. Days will be brighter soon, but until then, these things help you get through. 

Keep your eyes open for them. They come when you least expect it. 

(Thank you, Lindsey and Carrie. Y’all mean more to me than I have words for and I cherish your friendships.)

This entry was posted in dance.

6 comments on “Community. 

  1. kiralia says:

    This was beautiful, as usually 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Fiz says:

    Lovely pictures to treasure, Emilee. Happy New Year and hopefully this year your health problems will be resolved easily.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I realize this was back in January, but I love this. I also dance, but I dance ballroom. Always keep dancing 🙂 It can comfort when you’re upset, and just overall make the time better. And beautiful pictures 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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