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Emilee

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My friend Bailey and her company @companythreesixty made this and I have no more words to add. It’s perfect. #Repost @catchingbreaths with @get_repost ・・・ Why didn’t I report? I didn’t report because I thought that if I’m in a relationship with someone, it meant it was equally my fault. I thought the years of unhealthy feelings towards myself which ensued, were still invalid since it could have been worse. I thought I shouldn’t tell my Momma until a couple of years later on a beautiful mountain walk together, and even then, I softened the story from shame for how I’d appear to the person I love the most. I didn’t report because we live in a world where men use sentences like “it can always be worse” as psychological shrapnel. A world that tells us we should have done more to stop it. A world that, even when I remember the attempts to push away as clearly as consciousness cinema, I was scared to push too hard because I didn’t want to make someone mad. A world that makes me worry at sharing, because I have young students and ‘should be a role-model’: with a role model being pure, respectable, elite, undamaged. Now, a mother, wife, champion, boss... I still worry to report as innocuously as through a #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, lest I somehow appear less for having shared. But as someone who’s survived a darkness far worse than that described, and Shawshanked her way to a life of light- save for second glances over shoulders- I can say that the hardest person to report to is actually... yourself. It’s the you that you had once hoped to be. The you that you’ll never be again. The you that you wish you could go back and protect. The you you wish you had been (louder, less in shock, less weak). The you that once was but was taken. To all the Yous you once were reading this (and the You in me who still feels cemented by shame)... this should never have happened. It doesn’t matter how loud, quiet, forceful... how well you knew them.... You didn’t deserve to lose You because your body wasn’t left as yours. None of us do. None of us ever will. There is no good way to end this bit of writing, because the truth is: it hasn’t ended. A perfect sentence will not wrap this up. Y
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Teaching on my birthday is my favorite thing. Hi, I’m 30, and I gave full sized cupcakes to three year olds and I’m sure their parents hate me
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Mischief Managed.

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Kids say the darndest things.

Last Saturday was the auditions for our company’s spring show. This year we’re doing Giselle, which I’ve never seen. I’m really excited about it.

Because it was auditions, I was left with no assistants. Normally this isn’t more than a minor inconvenience, but as the days go on it gets a little more problematic. (Me being the problem.)

The classes went great. My older girls really love to be there, which is so very exciting. I don’t ever have everyone there, so it’s making recital difficult, especially for the ones that have been missing class since catching up will be difficult. I’m not going to worry until I have reason to, though.

I got two new girls in class, sisters. They’ve danced there before but hadn’t been in a while. They held their own really nicely and I so appreciated the older sister’s work ethic. Home girl gets it, and it’s a joy to witness.

One of my dancers came up to me at the beginning of class and handed me two thin mint cookies. She said, “You get two, because you’re the teacher.” Obviously, this made everyone else ask her for one as well, but I said, “Nope! I’m the teacher, I win, go back to the barre.” and it was just a funny moment. You may not care, but I write it hear because I want to remember it.

Many of my 3-4 year olds were missing, which actually ended up working out quite well since I was alone. Bending over to tie ballet shoes makes me dizzy, and having the smaller number made it easier to keep them all in line. They’re really good kids, too, so I typically don’t have much of an issue with them, but herding 9 cats instead of 15 was nice.

The teacher for the class in between mine got caught in traffic on the way, so I took roll and started doing some stretches with them until she got there. I’m not sure if it was that or if it was the strain of the classes themselves that did it, but by the end of teaching I noticed a new pain on the right side of my lower back, as well as moments of numbness. So far, I haven’t had numbness from the bulging-disk-hitting-nerves thing yet, and this wasn’t numbness over the entire leg. It was in sections; part on my lower back, part on my hip, and part on my inner thigh. I found this odd, and asked my chiropractor about it on Tuesday. He showed me a diagram of what parts of the body are affected by the nerves being hit, and it made sense. We’re watching it to see if it progresses or mellows out before we get too concerned. I just really don’t want to end up with permanent nerve damage.

When I first began dancing and fought through all the things that tried to hold me back, I remember saying I could keep dancing even if they had to cut off my legs. I’d find a way to work with a prosthetic to at least do some bits. I never thought the thing to plague me would be fatigue, keeping me from having the energy to attend class, and now the (in worst case, dramatic scenario) the thought of “what if I end up with paralysis?” Obviously, that’s not where I am now, and obviously, we are doing our best to avoid that, but still. The fact it’s even a slim possibility can make you nervous.

Now I’m going through different ways I can alter my teaching to put even less stress on my body. (Doing Soute’s makes the numb feeling come back.) Hopefully it’ll work and I won’t have issues, because even having the most incredible assistants ever, I don’t like not being able to show the kids myself how to do things. But we’ll work with what we’ve got.

Last night, I had a new girl in my 5-6 year old class, so I spent a little extra time going over terms of steps we’re learning and the specifications with them. When I asked what shape your legs are supposed to make in a plie, they all shout back, “a diamond!” Then you hear this one little voice say, “Actually, I’m gonna call it a rhombus.” I looked at Kara, my assistant, and we both laughed because it was the greatest thing. Things like that truly make my day.

I love that ballet is part of my story, even if it isn’t as much of the plot as it used to be. I’m grateful for the little moments I do still get and am hopeful that this isn’t all for me. Just because things seem to be in a constant, albeit subtle, decline doesn’t mean they’ll always be that way.

This entry was posted in dance.

2 comments on “Kids say the darndest things.

  1. I love Giselle! It is probably my favourite ballet!

    Sounds like your little students love you so much. It is amazing how much a good teacher can impact your life.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve never seen it! It’ll be fun, though!

      I love them so much. My hope is that even if they don’t keep dancing, they at least enjoy their time in my class and learn something.

      Like

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