Dreams.

I used to dream of one day dancing ballet. Of working hard and earning pointe shoes and dancing on stage in beautiful costumes.

Then I decided to start classes and work towards that dream.

Slowly, I started progressing. Slowly, I started taking more classes. Two years in, I earned pointe shoes and started the work of improvement in this new area of ballet.

My studio closed, I found a new one. Before I knew it, I was in shows, on stage in beautiful costumes. There were moments when my breath would leave me realizing I was the person walking backstage in such a way to try to not make a lot of noise in my pointe shoes or move the backdrop with my beautiful costume.

I dreamed, I fought, I saw them happen.

Life was literally a dream come true.

These days, I dream of waking up and not already feeling exhausted. I dream of being able to go grocery shopping by myself because it means i won’t need someone to help me lift things. I dream of being able to stay up past 9 without repercussions for the next week from not sleeping enough. I dream of being able to be put in stressful situations, handle them, and not pay for it for the next however long. I dream of being able to eat, lay down, and not have it come back up simply because of the position I’m in. I dream of being able to sit up without my hips hurting or feeling like it’s taking too much energy if I’m sitting on a chair without a back to lean against. I dream of standing for longer than 30 minutes without being in pain. I dream of muscles and joints that don’t cause me pain in my sleep, or because I stayed in one position too long, or because of who knows what else. I dream of not having to choose between things most people can accomplish in a day because washing dishes is too exhausting to also try to put away laundry.

I dream of taking ballet classes again, of doing shows and wearing pointe shoes and beautiful costumes. I dream of getting through barre without feeling like my brain won’t work anymore. I dream of doing arabesques without risking nerve damage in my back. I dream of hearing music and moving to it simply because I can.

There isn’t much I can do to work towards these dreams like before, but I still dream them. At the same time, I take time to be incredibly grateful for the things I can still do. I can still drive, I can still live by myself. I can still work and make money to pay my bills. I can still teach tiny baby ballet dancers and be inspired by them. I still have breath in my lungs that I can breathe in and out without pain. I can still sleep most nights.

And I can always, always, look back and remember all the things I was able to accomplish because I dared to dream in the first place. And not just passively, but chasing them in the face of fear until they were my reality.

I made my dreams come true once.

I sincerely hope they will come true again.