Author: Emilee

I generally loathe missing class.

Even if I pretend like it’s good to take a break, 9.8 times out of 10 I really wish I could be in class and have to make myself be okay with the fact that I had to miss.

I made the decision to forgo class today. For a few frustrating reasons. My stomach has felt pretty terrible and I know using the core so much would make things worse, the weekend left me a little sleep deprived (not enough to phase most, but it doesn’t take much to phase me nowadays) and the drive is long, and I was a bit afraid I’d zone out and fall asleep with my eyes open on the way there. (Yeah, this is a thing that happens.)

I really wanted to be in class. I wanted to move and express and work hard on something I care about. I wanted to grow and learn and strive. I wanted to do something that makes my heart forget it’s trouble and remember why I’m glad to wake up every morning.

That sounds dark.
But, whatever, I guess honesty is a good chunk of me is dark and if you spend enough time around me it comes out and becomes evident.
Mix that with having to fight some unknown sickness every day, uncertain how bad you’ll feel or which ways your body will decide to react or how you’ll handle food. It’s subtle, and I can generally play it off, but I’d be lying if I told you it wasn’t there every day. I just don’t know what to do about it so I largely ignore it. I can’t afford to see my doctor and see about more tests to try and convince them that it’s more than IBS and I suck at explaining how I feel with it since it’s been my normal for a good part of my life. I get depressed, I get anxious. I worry over how it affecting me affects others and if I talk about it too much or make other people uncomfortable because I know it’s hard to understand, especially if I can’t explain it.

I wanted to be in class, but instead I came home and have been in bed for the last three hours, making myself not get up and do things I know I need to do because I’ll just feel worse if I do them.

This sucks.

Yesterday I pushed my body farther than I have in a while. (Probably contributing to the heightened issues today.) One of my longest-standing dear friends and I decided to road trip to Lost Maples (about an hour from San Antonio, TX in the hill country.) And hike around a bit. My friend is super hard core, especially with hiking, and this is something she absolutely loves to do and used to do with another friend of hers before she moved. We both had been having a rough time and needed to get away, but our bank accounts wouldn’t let us go far, so we decided we would get in the car Sunday and drive.

I was actually semi-shocked at how well I kept up. I didn’t feel that she was really hanging back for me or that I was holding up the progress much. There was a point on a steep incline that I had to stop more than I wanted, but it was because of my stomach. The core usage was pushing it past it’s limits and when it started weakening, my legs started feeling shaky and I felt every last pound I’m carrying, haha.
But I made it. I kept going. I pushed myself. I saw beautiful parts of my state I had never seen, smelled the fresh air, engaged in deep and sometimes cheesy conversations, and made a great memory with a cherished friend. Getting out into nature does wonders for one’s soul, and sadly I don’t get to do enough of it around here.

Five years ago, that hike would have been impossible. In fact, five years ago hiking was near impossible. I was really overcome by whatever illness this is and couldn’t even finish the easiest hike. I was weak and lightheaded and afraid I’d pass out every few minutes.
Since I started dancing, I’ve noticed an increase in stamina. I may not be able to scale mountains or even jump rope for a solid two minutes without stopping, but I can baby sit and actually go out and play with the kids without feeling like I’m gonna fall over at any moment. My brain may lag a bit, but it’s sharper than it’s ever been. I’m able to go hiking with my friend and do the “rough and strenuous” mile and a half section of the trail and not feel like I’m just anxiously hoping the end is near, but instead actually enjoying what I’m doing and the work my body is putting in to do it.

There was a point when we crossed a little creek on these exposed stones. My friend went first and I followed behind, all casual. She turned around and glanced at me as we continued on and told me dance is really working for me. She said before that would have been a real struggle for me and I just took it like it was nothing and didn’t have stability struggles. She said my ankles were clearly stronger and not too long ago I wouldn’t have been able to do that. It was cool coming from this friend. She’s the hard core, boxing, hiking and rock climbing, 60-plus mile bike riding friend. I’ve been the weak, slow, lacking friend for as long as I can remember. And I do ballet, which isn’t all that hard core with our tutus and toe shoes. But now I’m starting to get muscle tone, and my ankles can handle wobbly rocks with ease, and I’m keeping up on hikes. In spite of being sick, I’m stronger than I’ve ever been.

And sometimes dance can make me feel terrible. Some classes I leave wondering how I even get through with how many things I’m fighting against. Sometimes my body hurts so much in so many places that all I can think about is all the pain I’m in and all the things I seemingly can never achieve.

But then I get into class. And I feel that sense of euphoria doing what you love the most makes you feel. And it acts as a sort of balm over all the pain and discomfort I feel. It gives me something to work towards and feel good about. It gets my blood pumping and makes me stronger, which in turn helps me fight whatever this is even if it hurts many days.

It sucks missing a class. But I know there are more classes ahead. I know I have this one body that I have to take care of and if I’m not feeling quite up to par and I have the option to sit it out, I need to sit it out so I can push through when the time comes.

My friend got some dance pictures of me at Lost Maples, but I don’t have them yet. I’ll post them when I do. Until then, here are some pictures I got of our trip 🙂

And here are some from my trip to Europe this time last year. Dance pictures were a must and I figured I’d give em to you in one lump sum rather than a little at a time, hehe 

(Don’t mind the time hop stamp there 😂)  

Yesterday’s class felt like it crept up on me, but I was excited to get into the studio.

Two of my friends from Instep were supposed to come to class, but got sick and weren’t able to. (they’re sisters.) I’m hoping they’ll be able to make it tomorrow!

Before class started, we noticed a new face in the studio; specifically, a new face speaking to Ms. Munro. She was introduced shortly after her arrival as Hadley; a new teacher who recently moved to town (as in, last Thursday) and had impressive credentials. I was instantly nervous, as is common for me.

New teacher. Do I just come right out with all my issues? Do I stay quiet and give them time to figure it out? Will that come off as an excuse? Do I point them out at all? Does she know I’m an adult? Surely this mixed class would lean me looking more towards the adult side, right? Does she expect me to know more than I do? ugh.

I pulled myself together and managed to keep  my mouth shut for the most part and left all my anxieties inside, keeping me from looking as foolish as I feel and alleviating most of the embarrassment. Hadley (Ms. Hadley?) opened the class, her temperament calming most of my panic. Her combinations favored the simple-yet-technical type, which are my favorite, and great for feeling out a new class/studio. She was great at giving analogies (and new ones, even. Like thinking of your rib cage as kitchen cabinets that you want to keep closed) and explaining things well, as well as showing the combination. She gave the combinations with clarity and confidence, reflecting that back onto the class.

I was impressed. 
And honestly, relieved.

Not just for me and what I would get out of this class, but of what she could be for the studio. If my hunch was correct that she would be a new hire permanently and not just through summer, she could prove to be a real asset for us. 

She gives hands-on corrections, over just general ones, which are wonderful. Even correcting my arms in a place I hadn’t been corrected on before–which made me really happy–as well as lifting up in my standing leg’s knee cap, which is an important one for me to remember right now. I was grateful. (And managed to keep my awkwardness inside and not say stupid things I regret later. yay!)

I opted not to wear my pointe shoes for center. Partially because I wanted to get a feel for her center combinations first, and partially because I forgot to buy more toe tape, haha. It worked out. There were enough of us to cause us to need two groups, and instead of just splitting down the center, she picked specific people to be in group one and others in group two. She put me in group one, which I think communicated to me that she can see that I’m not simply the hot mess I sometimes convince myself I am. That I have a grasp for this. I dunno, it felt good. Reaffirming. Maybe I’m just lame. *shrug* I did decently in most things, and flubbed up others, nervously speaking afterwards which always ends up being those things I lie awake thinking about how I was so stupid to do so. (thankfully my friends are gracious and don’t hold it against me.) There was a jete combination where we went forward, then reversed that I hadn’t done since Instep that confused my brain, but was fun to try anyway. We did a zig-zag of grand saut de chat’s across the floor (which she correctly called a saut de chat and not a grand jete, because there is a difference, making me like her more) 

Edit: just learned that there is actually, like, huge differences in this. (Jete vs saut de chat.) I was told from my teacher at my old studio that the above is the difference, but now I know better! And it makes sense as to why people call it a Grand Jete (leaving off the develope) instead of a saut de chat. Maybe I was told that before and it just didn’t click? Anyway. Yay learning new things! Thanks to those who pointed this out! 

which is where she specified that she wanted us to use certain arms on the tombe, pas de bourree before the glissade into the grande saut de chat. She described it as “Taking both boyfriends, Tom, (she opened the leading arm) and Ray. (as she opened the second arm.) Get it. TOMbe pas de bourRAY. Puns. I love puns.

As if I wasn’t already sold before, I was then, and I laughed in the corner harder than most people probably would, but it was so clever and cheesy, it was perfect.

Anyway, when we went across the first time, I actually felt myself get off the floor in my saut de chat’s. I don’t know what it was, but even glancing in the mirror, they got somewhere. I finished and took a second to let the bit of shock set in, and tried to figure out what it was I did different, but honestly I couldn’t tell you. I could tell you that the second side I was thinking so much I messed up royally and they were terrible, but hey whatever.

As she corrected a few of us about extending the back leg fully, she addressed us all as a whole on a very good point;

“It is your job as a dancer to feel.”

In relevance to this, it was referring to how we need to be able to feel when our leg isn’t straight, or our foot sickled, or a million other things to think about. We can’t just go through the motions and get into a sort of pattern of this-is-what-we-do-because-she-said-so. She had brought up a similar point in explaining how our tombe pas de bourree’s should be like taffy (which is an analogy I’ve heard, but she explained it, so it clicked with me) and not just singular movements. It’s should be an entire phrase, not just separate words put together. And it’s our job to feel if we are doing that or not.

Similar to corrections that inspired me to start this blog in the first place, (for you newbies, it used to be called “Everything I need to know about life I learned in ballet class.”) This resonated deeper with me.

It’s our job as dancers to feel. Not only the placement of various body parts, but to express emotions. Our chosen art for happens to use ourselves as the medium, and in such we are required to express; to feel. I realized that even though I’ve told myself over the years that letting myself feel is bad, and though I’ve gotten better about it, I still hold back.

But it’s okay. It’s safe. And, quite honestly, it’s necessary.
I don’t owe anybody anything. I don’t owe them attention, explanations, time. I can and do give it, but I don’t owe it. I feel what I do, and I don’t have to explain it or justify it.
I’m pretty sure I’ve realized something similar before, but this really resonated with me.

I left the class feeling great, and excited to have her. She’s teaching again next Monday, and I’m looking forward to it.

Mrs. Alex showed me the teaching schedule to see if I am good for the classes they have me down for tentatively. They’re good for me, which is exciting. I do have two Saturday classes, which will be interesting since they are more rambunctious, but it’ll be good.
It hit me that I now have recital pieces to choreograph and costumes to pick out and lesson plans to come up with. I’ve got a lot of researching to do in the next month and a game plan to come up with. I’m grateful to have had the summer so as to be able to get a feel for what to expect, as well as which tactics are effective and what I should try. Laying the groundwork is so important.

Once again, I have failed to get pictures. I think I just get nervous and afraid of judgement. Hah.
I don’t want to be that vain person. But I know if I don’t do it, no one will.
The struggle.

I hope y’alls weeks have started off well!

It feels like I’ve been out of class for months, when really it’s barely been two weeks. If that. Nonetheless I’m blogging this while icing my ankle and listening to a sweet Romeo and Juliet vinyl my friend Annika got me 😊

My foot was still a little swollen, but not near as badly as it has been. And it was to the point where I can keep a sock on it and not feel as itchy. Downside is my stomach has been angry, and I wasn’t sure if I could get through a class without getting sick. I’m not sure what to do about it except just endure through, so that’s what I do. I want sure if I was going to be too dehydrated to really dance, but it didn’t seem to be a problem. Either that or my stomach hurt enough for me not to notice the dehydration. 

I grabbed my leotard I got in The Woodlands last week to wear for class. I was really excited about it. I didn’t factor in anything when I picked the pants and shirt to wear over it to and from class. So I ended up having my boots I wore to work, with a gap between my purple yoga pants and shoes that showed my tights. Then my Every Ella shirt that had my 3/4 leotard sleeves poking out. 

I am so fashion forward.

Just kidding. 

Class started out decent enough, though my stomach was getting angry from using our core so much. It took a bit of mental focus away from what I was doing, which Mrs Alex corrected a time or two. I was glad, too, because I had forgotten to think about it, and I need to be thinking about it. (Turn out and keeping my hyperextention in check.) 

She explained transitioning between arm positions, which I’ve always wondered about. She explained it in such a way that was so understandable. I was grateful. I tried implementing it as much as I could, but it will take some work. 

I tried my new pointe shoes and, as predicted, they were a smidge too small. But I think they’re doable. I think I can tape my toe to curb the pain and make this pair work, then just get the next size up next time. Regardless of that, the fit was so wonderful. It was so supportive and shaped so well to my foot. And not having the super hard shank made it so much easier to balance on one flat foot without the extra thickness. I wanted to cry out of happiness. I didn’t keep them on the whole time as the pain on my toe was a bit much. But I was able to attempt an arabesque and pirouette successfully, so that was exciting. 

I was able to talk to Mrs Alex about the festival email and ask her what she thought I should do while I wait for timing to ask my boss if I can go. I hadn’t seen her in what seemed like months but really had only been a few weeks. It was so great to get to talk to her a little bit. I got so excited I’m pretty sure I rambled a lot and was talking really fast, but she is gracious 😂

It was great to be back in class, even with the pain and discomfort my body puts me through. I love ballet. I love dance. I love being around such wonderful people as the ones in today’s class. New and old. Summer classes are some of my favorites. 

I forgot to get a picture of my leotard in class (again) but I did get one in the mirror 

And I finally got a picture with Matthew! But I’ll save it for my blog post after his class next Wednesday. (Because I don’t hate him. So I’ll be there. 😉) 

All in all, this class did me good. My body, my heart, my spirit, my mind. A much-anticipated reset. 

I hope you all are doing well in your classes or recoveries. Much love to you all! 

I was supposed to be back in class yesterday, havin already missed last weeks class being out of town. But on Thursday, something bit the bottom and side of my foot, causing it to swell and itch terribly. 

This happened before. Last year, once on one foot and again on both. It last about three days before calming down. Last time it but the tip of my toe as well, and I didn’t notice until ballet class. Talk about miserable. 

This time it got the side of my left foot, as well as the heel and on my leg as well. Thankfully I’ve been able to walk around on Demi pointe sort of successfully. (At least, after the second day.)

I was able to sew my shoes on Sunday, just in case it was calmed down enough to dance yesterday. I brought my stuff to work, as well, in hopes id be able to go, but knowing I more than likely wouldn’t be able to. 

Turns out I had to put in some over time anyway, so I didn’t go to class in hopes it’ll be better by Wednesday. (It’s still itching and a little painful today.)

Whatever bit me, I’m definitely allergic. Not enough to close off airways or anything scary, but enough to hold my life up a bit. 

I got an email inviting me to take part in our annual festival. It’s the national festival, so they want an answer earlier to try and get everything into place. I want to go so badly, but it’s at the tail end of tax season. Technically after April 15th, but when we still have lots going on. And I’d be gone for a week. I have to ask my boss, but we have a deadline Friday so I don’t want to make her mad asking about this now. But, of course, ballet wants to know by Friday if we can go… Sigh. I’m gonna try to talk to someone Wednesday to see if I can get an extension to see if I can go. I’ve been waiting for the national one to go and I only want to go once. I mean, I’d like to go more but it’s just not feasible to do every year. But I would like to have the experience. We’ll see what comes of it. I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but I’m at least asking. 

As for today, I’m icing my foot every chance I get so I don’t think about how badly it itches, to avoid making it worse. It seems to be lasting longer this time than last, and I’m over it. I’m really hoping it doesn’t happen again. It’s been in my sleep each time, so we aren’t entirely sure what it is biting me, though we think it’s maybe an ant or a spider. 

Hope yalls week is off to wonderful starts! 

In the last few posts (from the summer) I’ve talked about my pointe shoe issues, to which a few of you beauties suggested a dance forum with a lady who evaluates feet for shoes via pictures. I took y’all up on it and sent my pictures to her and had her evaluate my shoes, with the fitting happening yesterday.

This is that story.

(Apparently I’ve been watching too much Law & Order. Oops.)
(hopefully at least one person read that the way it went in my head to make it make sense)

My friend Annika and I (with Natalia on the first day) drove up to The Woodlands (near Houston) for a concert. (about a 3.5 hour drive.) There’s a great dance store down the road from where we were, Jazz Rags, so I called for a pointe shoe fitting appointment for the day after the concert. I had been in this store on a whim once before a few years ago, before I was en pointe, and they told me about their fittings and I was very hopeful. Plus, Annika had gone back in May and had great success there.

We were a little early, so we looked around the store at all the leotards and ballet gear they have (literally anything you can think of. Is this dancer heaven? Quite possibly. Self control was really difficult) then went up for the fitting around 3.

Hannah helped us, and she was wonderful. I always find myself getting really nervous to go to pointe shoe fittings for a number of reasons.
1.) I’m old. You typically find dancers at my level to be, like, twelve, so I tend to take people by surprise. Or they expect me to be freaking awesome since if this were a career I’d be seeing the end more than any beginnings.
2.) I don’t “look like a dancer.” Again, the stereotype of the perfect ballet body is far from what I have.
3.) I’m awkward as heck. Because I don’t know how said person is going to respond to 1.) and 2.)

Hannah wasn’t phased. She was incredibly helpful and even enthusiastic about the prospect of helping me out. I told her about the shoes I’ve tried, the shoes I’m in now, about Ms. Clara and her recommendations, and we went to town. She brought out the recommended shoes as well as others just for kicks and clarity. We discussed toe pads options and everything we could try to try and get a good fit and the most comfort possible.

We tried the Russian Rubins first (the most recommended shoe by Ms. Clara) which also happened to be one of Hannah’s favorite shoes.

She tends to favor the V-cut but agreed that the U-cut was better for me.

(Don’t mind my rolled up jeans)
I really appreciated her honesty. She wasn’t just out to make a sale, but to get me the best fit out there.

(This is the fabulous Hannah! Hope she doesn’t mind that I put her face on the interwebz…)
(Here’s some of the other shoes, though I don’t remember what is what because I think I tried on half of their stock.)

The other recommendations were the Bloch Heritage, but they paled in comparison to the Rubin’s. There were a few other Russian Pointe brands that were decent, but the difference was minuscule, so I stuck with the Rubins. They seemed to look better, too.

I was impressed with how I even felt lifted in the shoe. Many times I’d try one on, go up en pointe, and feel how I felt like I was fighting the shoe. Hannah even told me she could see certain ones were holding me back. Before stating her opinion, she would ask me what I thought of them, which was cool to see what I felt was also what she was seeing and gave me a better understanding of the complications that is trying to find the right pointe shoes. I was also really grateful to try on the other suggestions to know what the feel like, what is out there, and to feel the difference between what was okay and what was great. There was even this really cool shoe from Bloch that has a split sole but a full shank. They felt cool, but weren’t as good as the Rubin’s. Still, they were fun to try. I feel like I was able to get a better understanding of my feet and of pointe shoes through this fitting, which I greatly appreciate. (plus, Hannah has her own experience in these bad boys, so she knows the struggle and the importance of a good shoe.)

Towards the end, I put on my current shoes, just to show her. I went on pointe and sunk in to them so badly, I said, “I don’t even know how I danced in these.” Hannah responded, “Honestly, I don’t either. That just seems like a lot of shoe.”

I was so so so incredibly happy with how the fitting went. I felt so comfortable there and Hannah was so helpful and kind, not to mention informative. She also had all my favorite elastics and ribbons. She even pulled out her drawer of secrets to try and see if there were any tricks in there to help with the pain I tend to get on my big toe. I’ve never had someone try so hard to help me. (Although the Capezio fitting was pretty great. They still get major props, too.)

I also found me a great new leotard I hope to wear to Monday’s class, though I’m a bit nervous about the class itself. I’ve gotten so used to Adult Ballet that these mixed interim classes make me a little hesitant to be super thrilled. But I’m sure it’ll be okay. Just a bit of a different environment. And as long as I’m aware it should be okay. Take the class for me, right?
Right.

I’m sewing the shoes on Sunday so hopefully I can try them out on Monday. I’m really hoping the sizing is okay, since before my feet have been too cold at the fitting. But those were also rather rushed fittings and this one wasn’t rushed at all.

If y’all are ever in the Houston area and need a good fitting, call up Jazz Rags. They’re by appointment, but it’s more than worth it.

And, here is Annika, helping me out with the sweet photos

Featuring me looking drunk

Also, they had theatre seats. Which was really cool.

I’ll update y’all again after I try them out in class!

Although the classes I actually take will carry on throughout the month of July, the classes I teach are finished. The intensive still has a few more days, but I’m not involved in those.

It’s amazing how quickly a month can go by, and how slow it can feel at the same time.

Yesterday started off decently enough, though I wasn’t feeling all that well again. I’m officially at a loss of what to do, and feeling pretty disheartened by it. Healthy foods make me sick, other “foods” don’t like me either. So what am I supposed to do? I have no clue. For now I just eat enough to get by and deal with the pain and discomfort, trying to life as normal a life as possible.
I brought my new Eleve to wear to class, excited and looking forward to it. However, when I went to put it on I realized I hadn’t taken into consideration that the high neckline might not do so well when having to go over my large hips, since the hole for the neck is small.

I almost cried. I wanted to give up. I felt very defeated. Here I am, the size I am, and I can’t help it anymore than I already strive to do–not without invoking worse damage. I have to make myself be okay being the size that I am, because there isn’t much I can do about it. Which can feel rather disheartening when I see people able to just scrounge up some determination and see incredible results. It’s not a matter of me being lazy, it’s a matter of my body not being well and doctors not believing me and me living in immense pain and discomfort every day. It’s a matter of I’m just getting by as it is and nothing I’ve tried has been of any help. It’s a frustrating matter I have very little control over.

Realizing I didn’t have any other leotard with me, and I couldn’t just not go to class since I also had to teach, I struggled through sounds of snapping strings to work it over my hips and wiggle my arms in. No one would know if I didn’t tell them, though it fit a little tight. I walked into class to many compliments, even from Ms. Munro, only letting on to a close few of the struggle I had and that I may end up having to give the leotard away.
(that has yet to be decided.)

Before I left work, something happened that left me feeling pretty crappy. Details aren’t necessary, but tears were a-flowin’ most of the way to the studio. It took everything in me to hold it together and be happy for classes.

The babies were doing really well starting off, one of the younger ones even surprising me by knowing the names to ever ballet movement I showed, including Passe, Soute, Tendu and the difference between it and Pique.  (She’s not quite four.) Abarrane and  I were impressed.

They got super antsy and wild towards the end. I even had to utilize my adult voice powers to get them back to focusing for the last ten minutes. We made it through and they were released. A bitter-sweet sort of deal. I don’t know how teachers do it.

I had gotten Abarrane a gift for helping me out this summer. She has been wanting the Misty Copeland Barbie doll since the news first released that it was going to be made. Abarrane got to meet Misty Copeland not too long ago and to say she’s inspired by her is an understatement. So I ordered her one, which was hard to keep a secret, and hid it in the office until after class.

 

See, excited is an understatement. 🙂

I got into our class and stood at the Matthew barre again. I told myself being in this class was the best thing for me. I took a deep breath and hoped it would make me feel alive.

I tried to implement corrections I have been given, like making sure I come through first with all five toes on the ground instead of rolling in during rond de jambes, and to keep my arm fully extended in second, and to straighten my knee fully in arabesque. I also tried to keep in mind my alignment and placement like Ms. Clara had told me to help me en pointe. There were moments Ms. Munro looked at me and said, “Good, Emilee.” It’s so great to get corrections, implement them, then to get either further corrections or positive feedback so I know if I’m doing it right.

We came to center and did a few things, thankfully my stomach wasn’t hurting as bad as it had been. (I think getting upset sort of helped “numb” it, to an extent.) We did a combination of balances, into turns; it went something like, balance (waltz) front, balance back, balance side, balance side, balance turn, balance turn, tombe, pas de bourree, sous sous, tombe, pas de bourree to fifth, balance in passe, tombe, pas de bourree fourth, single turn, tombe, pas de bourree fourth, double turn.
Since she asked for the double turn, I told myself I was going to do the double turn. I briefly analyzed where my weak points may be and reminded myself of centering my weight in the plie, and of making sure I use my head to spot twice and I would get around. We did the combination, I did the preparation, the single, then a relatively clean double. (Sure, it can use some work, but dang it I actually did a double for the first time, I was pretty excited.) I think I let out some sort of elated exclamation after doing the double, to which Ms. Munro sort of smile/laughed at me, then we continued to the left. I attempted a double to the left, but my foot does this weird thing I haven’t seemed to break through yet that’s something between a bounce and a hop. I’m not sure if it’s the sensation of the shoe twisting that bothers me or if it’s a strength thing since that’s the foot that gives me trouble. No matter, I was very proud of myself for the day.

We continued on, and we did a jete combination with assambles and the like. Ms. Munro twinged something in her leg and asked me to demonstrate.
Hold the phone. Ms. Munro asked me to demonstrate.
I felt really nervous, was probably a bit awkward, but tried my best.
then of course she corrected me in front of everyone on how I did the jete too far forward instead of in a true second, which was causing me to travel too far. I was glad she pointed it out so I could correct it. She asked me to demonstrate something else too, but I don’t remember what. Then in the saut de basque–which I just recently grasped–she had me go first, and I was clueless on the arms, which she also corrected, so I tried again to do it correctly. It was a very informative class. I feel like I learned so much and in a sense where it’ll stick and retain.

One of the new girls from last week, Allison, came back for more yesterday. I was so glad to see her and glad she’s sticking with it. She has loads of potential and in time will prove to be really great. I’m glad she’s fighting through the overwhelming-ness that is your first few classes.

I won’t make any of the classes next week, due to holiday and being out of town. (We celebrate America’s Independence on Monday, the fourth.) But I’ll post about what happens at the point shoe fitting I have Wednesday! 🙂 Here’s to hoping.

(Perpetually working on that dang turn out. My demise.)

Yesterday was our last Monday class for the standard summer classes.

We only had seven kids in class, and all but one seemed to throw all sense of rules out the window. The one who is consistently good is also the one who is actually pretty decent at ballet. She even retains the French names for moves and pointes her toes the way she’s supposed to. I noticed yesterday that when we did tendus with the right foot, I didn’t tell her anything about turnout (she’s four) but she noticed it on her own and did it. I hope she sticks with dance and continues to love it.

Adult Ballet looked like it was going to be pretty slim pickins, but people showed up right at six or a little after.

Before class started, Abarrane helped me with the different things Ms. Clara from the pointe shoe forum told me to do to isolate my inner thigh muscles and how to properly align myself to not give in to my hyper extension, all the while still maintaining a straight knee. I need to retrain myself to not sit into my shoe by actually using the correct muscles to pull out of the shoe.

Class went well enough. I hadn’t been feeling too good yesterday and still trying to pinpoint why. I felt like the stomach pain was hindering how much I could use my core, but I continued to push through anyway. I knew my body wouldn’t feel good after class, but I knew my spirit would feel rejuvenated, and that’s what I really needed.

I tried to implement the knew things as much as I could without completely shutting down on doing the movements. I know I still have a lot to work on to get it to be second nature, but if I don’t start here I’ll never get anywhere. I got a few corrections from Ms. Munro that were helpful in telling me if I was doing it correctly or not, and was able to expound on trying to find the balance between what I’ve been doing and what I should be doing. There is still much I need to work on outside of class. I wish I could have someone give me private lessons in this to make sure I’m doing it correctly, but I doubt that’s possible. It was quite helpful to have Abarrane there to tell me if I was lined up correctly or not and know if I was actually seeing the correct thing. I’m not going to lie, it was a bit overwhelming. I didn’t really know what I was supposed to look for. I got frustrated because I felt I couldn’t see what I needed to properly because the bulk of my thighs got in the way and I couldn’t fully understand what to look for. Same with my butt. And I couldn’t feel what I needed to in my left (shorter) leg like my right. It took me back to how I would feel when I first began ballet almost five years ago. I would get overwhelmed because I knew I should be able to do this but I couldn’t figure out how to get my body to respond. Thankfully I read that the shorter leg struggles more with turn out and muscle usage, so I at least had some sort of understanding. It still sucked, but I made myself not dwell on it so I wouldn’t panic.

Sometimes I really hate my body. Like now, when I can’t seem to eat a thing without it reacting to the food negatively. Or when my right hip and lower back or my joints start hurting. I’m not even thirty yet and my body seems to be falling apart. How much longer do I push through? What can doctors do for me that they haven’t already tried? When will enough be enough?

I got my recital pictures in

I may look back and think I’m stupid for being proud of them, but for where I am right now, I’m pretty proud of them. Sometimes I can get caught up in trying to be as good as my peers that I forget that I am twenty-seven. I have only been in ballet for not even five years. I have only been en pointe for two of those years. (two? Three? almost three? whatever.) I still struggle not only with finding pointe shoes that work, but also working against all the challenges my health and body throw at me. So now I look at them and I am proud.

Ms. Clara got back with me about different pointe shoes to try, which I was a little surprised at first that she recommended Russian Pointes, since I had such a hard time with them before. But she explained why she thought they’d be good for me and also to try Bloch Heritage. Hopefully the place I’m going next week will have those there to try. If not, I’ll figure something out this summer.
Also, here’s a bit of attitude in one of my Eleve’s

These baby classes keep getting better and better. It’s still difficult having the different age groups, but they all remained engaged. I was so impressed when the kids started remembering what not only a pile and releve are but what a soute and echape and other more complex things are. And not where I say the word and they show me, but where I show them and they give me the word. Abarrane and my minds were blown. 

We had eleven in class, mainly younger, one new, one making up a class. She really impressed us. Her feet are always pointed, her knees are always straight, her feet and turned out. She’s just a natural, she gets it, if she wants this she can take it as far as she wants. And she pays attention so well, eyes always in me or Abarrane, soaking in everything we have to offer. The girl is five and her grande jetes are better than mine. I hope she stays in dance so we can watch her grow. 

We had a full class in adult, with two new people my friend Karen recruited 😊 they held up pretty well and really seemed to enjoy it. We had to pull out another barre to put in the center, and I stood at what I refer to as “Matthew’s barre.” It’s a short barre at the back of the room facing the mirror and Matthew stood there every class. I was a bit nervous to be facing the mirror side I usually try to avoid it, but what I found instead had me pleasantly surprised. 

Maybe it was the cut of the leotard. Or maybe it was the pressure of being right in front of the mirror, but I didn’t look as big as I usually do. It was refreshing. I could see the proper alignment, the uneven hip, the core engaged, the muscle tone in the legs, the lack of flexibility in the ankles. All these things are important. It’s important to see the positive things along side the negative so you know what to address, where to improve, and what to maintain. It was encouraging. 

Ms Munro taught our class and actually gave me some really good corrections and insight. In sous sous, my feet were too close together, causing my knees to not straighten as much as they need to. I also still need to elongate my arm in second a bit more. I tried to implement this but went too far, locking my elbows. She corrected that and I was able to feel the balance. These are things I could see with the mirror in front of me and could know what feeling was right, what was wrong, and what it looked like. 

In the center, I noticed I was able to hold my balances longer. More on my right than my left, but both improved. My turn out was better, I was stronger, and overall my performance has improved. It was a good feeling to be able to hold my leg in arabesque while I promenade and maintain turnout. Part of it probably had to do with the fact that I was in flat shoes, but still. I also noticed that when I plie in fourth before going into a pirouette, my weight was too far forward. I tried to make it more centered, telling myself not to anticipate pain in my knee and just go for it. Throw the fear aside. I did that, and guess what happened? I did the turn. A solid single. I could have done a double if I really wanted, but I wanted to get the feeling in my brain and my body so I won’t second guess anything when I progress to doubles. It was like an epiphany. I also noticed an improvement on my chaines, which have been my demise for a while. (Almost five years now. Hah.) 

Yesterday felt so good. I’m excited. I’m hoping to figure out more with my shoes and see what I can do to get them more tolerable. I felt so solid in class. I wasn’t just struggling to keep the pattern of the combination, but to improve upon each step in the process. I felt like I’ve really reached another level in this who dance life thing. I’m not necessarily better, but I have something in my brain that has clicked and a deeper understanding. And now I can think about keeping my eyes up 😂

I’m typing this on my tiny phone screen during a conference on communication. I wanted to write it last night knowing id be here, but I was so tired. So I’m just doing it anyway. I was so excited about writing this post and about the improvements in finally seeing. 

I hope y’all are doing well. I hope you’re fighting for what you love. I hope you know how wonderful you are and that your fight is worth it. You got this. You’re worth it. I love you. (And that is something.)

Last night was the best baby class we’ve had so far.

There were seven of them, mostly younger, and they seemed to soak up every single move and direction. It was impressive. It’s only been two full weeks and I’m already seeing improvement in them. They’re grasping the concepts and trying hard.

Of course, towards the end, they start getting atsy. And there are the few that have a hard time focusing, but even they were doing better than usual.
Having Abarrane has proved vital, once again, helping me keep the wild ones in line and helping with crying little ones. This would be a completely different story if she wasn’t there with me.

I tried breaking in my shoes before class, which made my feet really angry. I haven’t done pointe since recital, largely to help give my right Achilles some rest, and my feet protested. It seemed that everything was harder–the end of the shank dug into my heel, the box seemed to pound my toes, the top of the box was hard even after stepping on it repetitively, and trying to balance put such pressure on my toes like I’d never felt before. I tried to pay careful attention to the details of where I was feeling pain so I can ask about it when I try on pointe shoes the next time. (Hopefully this summer.) If it’s normal, I need to learn to just push through. If it’s not, I need to find a solution. Why are my feet so difficult to find shoes for?

We had two new girls in class yesterday (Shoutout.) It was their very first ballet class, sort of as a bucket list, always wanted to so why not now sort of thing. I’m not gonna lie, I was impressed with how well they followed along. It was all completely new to them and they dove right in and actually did really well. Had they not told me it was their first class, I wouldn’t have guessed it. Plus they took direction really well. Poor things got shoved so much information at once and just soaked it up and went with it. My friend Sara and I told them about ballet apps and dictionaries and YouTube channels that helped us (ABT’s online dictionary, the app Ballet Lite, and the YouTube channel Ballerinas By Night, specifically.) The dictionary has a few videos to show you what the word is, and the YouTube channel is specific to the adult dancer.
They seemed to really like class, which made me really happy. I was so afraid I was getting too excited and would implement false expectations and then they’d hate class, haha! But they really did great and said they’d be back, so I really hope they do come back!

Overall, it was a good class day. I need to work on my ankle strength while still being aware of my Achilles. I wish I had more time to dedicate solely to learning and improving and researching, but that’s okay. I’m grateful to be where I am.