Author: Emilee

How did I forget?

My friend’s and their two little girls came to see me dance. These little ones light up my life. Seriously. They are the sweetest souls, and have a way of making you feel loved like no one else can.

Are they not the cutest things ever?
While I was talking to them, a couple of little girls came up to me and asked me for my autograph.
I seriously felt like a Disney character or something. I asked if they liked the show, what their favorite parts were; ya know, the good stuff.
My friend Alisha sent me these 😀
Then, a girl from Lola’s school came up with some family; mostly girls, but one boy. They lingered for a bit, then the mom said, “Can he get a picture with you? Y’all were his favorite and he’s too shy to ask.” To which I responded, “OF COURSE!”
Apparently, people think he’s Chinese all the time, so he decided when he gets older, this is what he wants to do. Heck yes, kid!
Needless to say, my day was made. 
Kids are my favorite.

Performance #2

I was a little nervous going into Sunday’s performance that Saturday’s was a one-and-done type of thing. That it happened and couldn’t be replicated. Thankfully, that wasn’t the case.

Warm up started us off, and for some reason my body decided it was the prime time to revolt. My stomach turned throughout the entire half hour, requiring me to awkwardly sit out many of the warm ups, especially if they involved excessive use of the abs. Thankfully, no one really asked questions, but people did stare a bit.
I made it through and did what I could. I did the turn combination with some of the more advanced girls (granted, they did multiple turns, and I kept it safe with a solid one. It’s warm up, whatever.)

I think our first performance was stronger, but number two was also a solid one. Once again, I managed the turn, and felt really good going in to the second half of the segment.

Until the music stopped.

What do we do? Do we keep going? Do we wait for it to come back? Theater in me says keep going, but what if we do and it comes back on? Then we’re off, and it’s not just me.

We all kind of waited in a moment of hesitation to decide, when it came back on. We managed to keep on time and go with the flow, and by the end of it no one seemed to remember. But still, talk about moment of panic!

The finale was a mess. I still suck at chaines turns, and almost ran into the Arabian Principal dancer. Not one of my finer moments. Whatever.

And seeing pictures of me during performance, I’m kind of cringing (not yours, Lillian. Yours are good :D) because I fear my technique isn’t as good as I tell myself it is in my head.
So. I want to try harder this next week. My old dance teacher will be out there and I want to have straight knees and lift up out of my shoe and not compromise because of nerves. I want to be better.

Yesterday was the first day I hadn’t danced in a week, and it was very sad. I love getting to do ballet every day during Nutcracker season, and have already seen improvement. I want that trend to continue, not lose it all because we don’t have class for a couple weeks.

Now I’m back to the reality that I work a full time job that is completely opposite of ballet. And it’s sad. But oh well, I guess. I’m just happy that I still get to dance when I do. How awesome is it, right?

Here’s some pictures, finally:

Annika and I back stage after the first performance

Ashley, the Clara on the first night.

Pre-show on Sunday. (Like. seriously. How awesome is this?)

Cheyenne, the Clara on the second night

Mr. Nutcracker, himself.

My friend’s daughters that came to see the show, dancing like what they saw on stage. (I mean, melt.)

Performance #1

I went to my church Christmas program this morning, and there was a girl probably 8 or 9 who was crying during part of it. She was an angel, so she wasn’t supposed to be crying, but her parents had said they would come see her, and they didn’t show. She had a slight moment of weakness and let the tears flow, then pulled it together and carried on the best she could.
It’s so important to support your kids in what they do, no matter how short or trivial it may seem.
My parents came to the show last night and let me tell you, it meant the absolute world to me.
It was my first actual performance on pointe, so I was nervous, especially considering how the practice went the day before. Usually I practice the turn right before, but I was helping my friend in Spanish with a quick change into roses in the time before my part. By the time we finished, I had about a minute before we went on when I quickly tried a turn. One of my fellow Chinese whispered, “you got this, be confident!” And I took her word for it. 
And wouldn’t you know it, I did the turn! My face lit up and I was freaking out with excitement. When I got off stage I said, “I did it!” And ms munro was there and she pat me on the back and said, “you did it! Well done!”
And as a plus, the principals who were struggling in rehearsal also nailed their parts. I loved seeing their faces light up as they nailed the difficult parts seemlessly. (Plus I got some killer pictures from the wings. Ms Alex was behind me at one point and smiled at me. She makes me happy.)
Our Clara was phenomenal as well and the whole show just went really well. I was so proud.
And then, to top it off, I walked out and the moment I looked up at the sky, a shooting star went by, almost like it was waiting for me to look at it.
The most perfect nutcracker ever.

Also

while we were warming up, some of the kids started getting there. The curtain was open, and they sat and watched us with eyes of wonder. I kept thinking how cool it was to be a part of something that is inspiring children, something that’s a tradition for so many families.
When the show was over, we got to do a meet and greet. We waved as the kids walked by and gave high fives and the sort. I loved seeing their faces light up when your eyes met theirs. So sweet.

After the second show, one of the girls in my group, Emerson, said a little kid told her our part was their favorite. Day = made.

Theater week, school performances

Yesterday we had our two school performances. This is when everything gets real, push comes to shove, and it’s now or never.

We did our warm up, caked on stage make up, strapped on pointe shoes and waiting in the wings for our turn.

And, wouldn’t you know it, my toe decided to get an ingrown toenail. First time ever. I had tried the pirouette in the wings, but my feet were shaking in a weird way I’ve never had happen before. My brain spaced, and during the performance, I didn’t turn.
At all.
Not even on demi.
I did a Releve passe while everyone else turned.
And that wasn’t the only time I screwed up. It was a complete and utter mess. Even one of the other girls said “I thought I was doing bad until I saw you didn’t turn.” Yep. That bad.

The second show had some redemption. I did the turn, but just on demi. My body was wearing down fast and I didn’t want to risk freezing again.

I thought the finale went better, but after rehearsal last night, we still got told we sucked. (Not in those words of course.) Ms Munro went over it with us, so hopefully it all sticks with us tonight.

During the rehearsal, one of the principal dancers seemed to be having a rough go at it. She and her partner missed a few lifts, and there were turn sequences she struggled through but managed to cover well. This isn’t typical for her, either, so I was a little concerned. What was going on?
When the male of the due did his part, some of the other dancers were standing in the wings, joking with each other. I tried to get them to keep their voices down, but it doesn’t work all too often. This is one of my biggest pet peeves; maybe it’s my theater background, maybe it’s that at my old studio no one was allowed to talk in the wings ever. I don’t know. But when it gets to loud I get antsy. Well, the principal dancer turned to them and said, “you can hear your voices on the stage, and it’s actually really distracting.”
And she’s not one to really say anything unless it’s something. She’s not one of those complain about everything types. She only speaks when it’s really something.
And what did the other girls do?
Kept on talking.
I tried asking them to whisper–easy, right?  Apparently not. When I tried reiterating what was said about being able to hear them on stage, they flat out said they didn’t care.
I was infuriated.

Have some simple respect. We don’t need you here, this is a privilege to get to do this. Have some common courtesy and keep the noise level down.

I almost apologized to the dancer, but I felt it would be empty since my apology won’t get them to keep it down. As I was leaving the theater, I saw ms munro. I told her what happened and what was said. She was a little upset she didn’t know sooner to say something at critiques, but I didn’t have a chance to tell her sooner. Hopefully she says something. We have been told in rehearsals before that if a principle tells you something, it goes. Hopefully today goes better than yesterday and no one is childishly bitter at me.

Theater Week, Day 2

Let’s preface this post with the knowledge that almost as soon as I got to the theater, something found it’s way into my right eye, causing it to tear up, my nose to congest, and my eye to turn red and remain irritated throughout the night.

This rehearsal was shortened a little due to the school performances that we are doing tomorrow. The show is a little shorter (hence the rehearsal shorter) but it also had a few parts we hadn’t seen yet.

We got to do the entire show in costumes, which really made it feel like the real deal.

I didn’t attempt the pirouette, due to the fact I couldn’t really focus everything I needed since my eye was acting up. The bright stage lights made me feel nauseous and dizzy with all this and it was all I could muster to just keep going.

We haven’t gotten any remarks on our dance the last couple of rehearsals, but we did for the finale. She said it’s still rough, we aren’t together on the last part. We had gotten together to go over the timing backstage before going on, but that end part was real rough; I could tell as it was happening. So we waited out critiques until it was no longer relevant to us, then we all worked on the timing together on the stage until everyone dithered off and the pas de duex needed to rehearse. It took us a couple times, but it made all the difference in the world. I’m really starting to feel better about it. The last time we ran through it, Ms Alex came up to us and said, “Were y’all just working that on your own?” We said, “Yes, ma’am.” and she said, “Good! That is so good!” I asked if we were looking better, if she had gotten to see it, and she said that we were. That it’s showing immense improvement already and if we wanted to run it before show tomorrow to feel free. She seemed really impressed that we took it upon ourselves to figure it out. It made me feel really good, especially after yesterday’s incident. We just really wanted to get it down and look good and together the best we could. I’m glad the practice made a difference!

So, now it’s late. I’m going to bed, hopefully tomorrow I can see out of both eyes. Even more, I hope I can wear both contacts!

Theater week, night one

Tonight was the first night for rehearsal in the theater, and let me tell you it was impressive. 
The theater I was used to is a very old theater next door that usually houses plays; This one had ceilings several stories high, a giant stage, all sorts of back drops and everything. Massive. I felt like a part of history. 
So many of the other dancers have been doing this all their lives. Even some of the ten-year-olds are on nutcracker four and five and have been dancing as long as I’ve been out of high school. (9 years, folks.)
This was the first time I was in a situation where we were all interacting and mingling with each other, I felt kind of intimidated to be full on approached with some of the “older” dancers. It can be a sort of awkward place for me since I’m older in age but so much younger in skill set; I feel like I should know so much more than I do, which is exemplified by the the fact that so many people have done this so many times (especially my age) that they don’t have the kinds of questions I do. In critiques, I spoke up about how we were told we did awful, and was told to stop digging a hole (not by my teacher, but by someone else) but by that time it was too late and I had already sounded like an idiot. But what are we supposed to do if we keep getting told that we are off the music, when we’ve never been told the proper placement on the music we are supposed to be doing? Not everyone can (or cares to?) try to figure out the music placement, and I don’t want to look like an idiot, ya know? But the group one age set younger than us got to break it down with the music and now they’re so improved and for some reason we can’t get it. And it’s not excruciatingly difficult, I just don’t think we know.
But, my friend Lillian made a good point, “take in everything. Take in the good, take in the bad, and take in the good again. You’ll never have this experience again.” So I’m gonna try to get past my embarrassment of how I feel like I’m starting a new high school off on the wrong foot, or how I’m older and should know/feel/be better and look at the good again.
When we were doing barre warm up, I ended up at the barre with some of the younger ones. One of them asked what I was and I told her and the others that began listening that I was Chinese. They kind of looked at me like “that’s it?” So I told them I’ve only been on pointe a year, and only had the proper shoes since September and only been in ballet 3 years and they told me they’ve been dancing 8 years. And my other Chinese role friend said, “yeah, she’s 26! And only been dancing 3 years and she’s amazing!” Which made me feel really good. ‘Cause I don’t always feel amazing. She later told me I had really good calves, which made me laugh.
Annika and I stuck together most of the time. We were both trying to get a feel for it all, and I kind of am at a disadvantage since I don’t go to school with all these girls like she does. Do I talk all hip? Do I give away how old I am? Where’s the line and what do I say and why is this so hard and weird? But it was fine. The girls were kind. 
One of our Chinese girls is an old soul. She doesn’t get caught up in the drama of everything, but instead focuses on working hard and improving and being her best. She tends to stick close to me and today she told me she tends to get along with older people. I like having her around. You can also see her hard work paying off. This girl can balance on releve literally forever. 
While we were backstage, I caught myself looking at the ceiling often. The whole place was huge and amazing. How cool is it that someone who started ballet at 23 is able to dance in the nutcracker?  Like, how is this possible? I’m a no body. Most places if I were to try and do ballet at this age, I wouldn’t really have much of a chance to grow and improve; it would be recreational and not much more than that. But thanks to Instep, I was able to come in, be vulnerable, look like an idiot, and learn in a safe and nurturing environment that allowed me to grow. There is so often the stipulation that you can only get out all your awkward learning moments when your young and past that you’re just screwed. This is also why I only do ballet. I would love to branch into other styles, but most aren’t able to take the time for adult beginners. Although, there was a 3-month time span where I was able to do tap and jazz at a little studio in a tiny town near my parents house that was so much fun. But to think of how a mere 3 years ago, I was recovering from an injury do to a car wreck, skipping the Holiday Showcase because I was new and sucked too much to even pretend I could get on stage, and here I am now in the Nutcracker, getting compliments from people I hardly know–it’s a place I never thought I would be.
There was a moment when we were working on the final part of the finale where it all felt real; it’s like my mind rewound to last year when I watched nutcracker from the audience, and here I am dancing nutcracker on the stage. How did this happen?  How did I get here? What an incredible opportunity this is! I just felt it, and I don’t know if there are words to explain it, but it blew my mind a little.
Overall, it’s a pretty amazing experience. I only wish I could have had more years of this but ya know, maybe I wouldn’t see the value it has if I had grown up in this. I don’t know, but I’m glad to be here now.

spaced brain.

My brain spaced and I forgot to add in key points about Thursday’s class in my last post. But, oh well. They’re in the journal. That’s what matters, right?

Remember that Autoimmune Paleo diet? Yeah, it ended up getting the better of me. I wound up really sick on Saturday night/Sunday morning and was debating going to the ER. Thankfully, I somehow managed to fall back asleep and woke up without the crippling nausea (I can’t throw up–long story–so it makes me a little scared when it gets like that.) I was really weak and had dropped 7 pounds in four days, and 4 of those pounds were over night somehow. Really scary stuff.

I still went to Nutcracker Rehearsals, and just told my teacher about it before hand so she was aware if I had to hold back any. She said I could wear my flat shoes if I wanted, so I did. I was so grateful that she was so understanding about it. I didn’t want to look weak or unable to keep up. I don’t want to be, like, a liability or whatever, and I didn’t want her to be upset that I had never told her about this before if I’ve been dealing with it for so long. But it wasn’t like that at all, and sometimes the movement of activity somehow helps? I don’t know.

Good news is, I didn’t pass out. I was able to make it through the rehearsal and be okay and today I’m feeling loads better, so I’m hopeful. I know my part is quite minimal compared to the other members, but still. Doing that much when you feel like crap is probably more than I should have done. Oh well.

This week is our Auditorium Rehearsal week! Because, ya know, we have two school performances on Friday, and then our first weekend on Saturday and Sunday! I’m excited and nervous, and will probably feel a lot better after a few full run-throughs. This is my first show ever. I mean, I’ve done recitals and I’ve done plays, but those are different. Our finale is ROUGH but we kinda weren’t properly shown what to do and can’t seem to get the timing right… I’m really hoping everything comes together. Chinese seems to get a bad rap, and I want to do the best I can to change that.

Also, my friend was called out during corrections after rehearsal for giving it her all during Roses, going full out, then telling Ms. Munro she has two bruised toenails that are falling off… Ms. Munro was impressed. hehehe

A good day.

There’s those dance days that make you feel defeated, and then there are those days where you surprise yourself and leave feeling like you can take over the world.

Thankfully, yesterday’s class was the latter.

Although, we still didn’t get to have Mrs. Lori, she did pop in and go over some recital stuff with us.
She played us the song we’ll be dancing to and showed us a couple different options for costumes. There was this one that had three different colors–a rose, a soft blue, and a gold– and lots of detail, then there was one that was a leotard and a (romantic) tutu separate, but had many more color options. When she asked our opinions, no one really said anything, so I spoke up, “I like the detail in the first one, but–coming from a photographer stand point–I really like that the second one is separate. I can use it for photo shoots.” One of the girls really didn’t want the first ones, and everyone else seemed to like the second ones, so we went with it. They look like this:

Then we had to choose between the gemstone colors and the pastels. She played the music, which is by the Vitamin String Quartet and I immediately freaked out because strings just do something to me I can’t explain and I was so excited, and said she saw it as pastels, and we all agreed. So then we all wrote down our top three favorite colors of our choices so Mrs. Lori could decide how she would order them and choreograph according to the colors. Let me just say, I am beyond excited.
The music just makes me feel alive; like this is what I am here to do. Like I will be able to do this well and portray the picture in my heart that has been aching to be seen for years. I’m really hopeful about it. I’m pumped.

So the girls passed the paper around, picking their colors, changing their minds, talking possibilities and saying “Orchid” as “Orchard.” When it got to just be dilly-dally conversation, I put the papers back in their folders, closed the book, and took it to Ms. Nancy. The girls wanted to keep looking at it and comparing things, but we were already starting class late, (Some of my Instep girls from the class before got approved for pointe shoes!!! I’m so proud!!) and now this was taking up time. I didn’t want us to lose the whole class, and Mrs. Lori was in the other studio, so I just did it. (One of the girls later told me she liked that I did that. hehehe) Ms. Munro came in and we got the class started.

I’m having to do this Autoimmune Paleo diet thing to try and get my intestines to function normally, and I started on Wednesday. Let me tell you, day two has been the worst I have felt in a long time. I hate it. I had energy, but I felt drained. When we did a back cambre, my head immediately started pounding. I felt like I couldn’t get enough breath, and at one point when I tried to catch up with deep breaths, the room started spinning and I lost vision for a second. It was scary and I hated it.
But somehow, even with all this, it was one of the best classes I’ve had.
Maybe because the feeling in my stomach took my focus away from the feeling of fear.

I was able to do complex pique combinations with ease. I successfully managed pirouettes on both sides. I even was able to do a plie rollup on one foot into arabesque and then into front attitude. These used to scare the crap out of me, and here I was, doing them.

At one point, after my group had already done a combination, I watched the feet of one of the girls dancing after me. It was an interesting moment where it hit me–those things I see other people’s feet doing, those gifs I watch online or the combinations in rehearsal. I’m doing those. I’m dancing pointe. My feet are doing what this girls feet are doing. Successfully. My feet look like hers. I’m dancing en pointe.

I guess sometimes I waste all this effort thinking about how much I want to accomplish and how difficult it’s going to be, instead of thinking of how far I’ve come and what I’m doing now. It doesn’t matter how long it takes me to get to x,y,z. Look at where you are now. Look at the ground you’ve covered in this year–heck, the last 3 months. It’s a lot to be proud of and grateful for.

So, once again, ballet reminded me of why I like life. And for this I am eternally grateful.

Act II rehearsals.

We had rehearsals with all of Act II on Sunday.
These make me nervous, because all of the “older” kids are watching. And honestly, with everyone that’s been hurting themselves this season, I’m afraid of risk.
(I mean, I always seem to be afraid, but this is like, more. Whatever, judge me.)

Sunday’s rehearsal was very tense. Overall it seemed like there was a strained air about the studio. Ms. Munro was sharper and no-nonsense, injured dancers nervous of their injuries, but doing their best, dancers goofing off panicking when they don’t know what’s going on, frustration all around at these people. At this point in the game,we should have our stuff together. I can understand the bigger numbers needing loads more work and direction, being that it’s longer, more complicated, and contains many more people. But our little pieces should be together by now. Especially when it’s not all too difficult.
(Stupid pirouette is still scaring me. And my toes are dying. And I’m not sure what else to do for them or if you just kind of get used to it.)

We went through it twice and we were supposed to do it in costumes the second round, but we ran out of time and ended up just running through it.

After the first time, they huddled us together really quickly for corrections. The first thing Ms. Munro said was,
“Emilee is the only one smiling the entire time! You all look like you’re miserable.” Then she did these little sound effects to indicate misery. “You all need to be more,” *insert happy sound effects*

First Ms. Alex, and now Ms. Munro.
Not one mention of not having the pirouette down on pointe, although I really want to do it, for myself ya know? I don’t want to cheat. I want to improve and I want to take risks. I also want to build up my strength in my feet and ankles.

I guess overall in life I feel rather defeated currently. I’ve noticed my tolerance is lacking, and I’ve found it difficult to deal with all the things that I can’t control; especially when people are calling me lazy with it and saying I’m just making excuses.

People suck sometimes, and they are rude and careless. And these are days I want to become a recluse. Because trying to explain won’t do anything for them, because they actually don’t care, but they also won’t keep their noses out of things.

I’m hopeful for this season.