Category: 2015-16

Nutcracker Auditions 2015

The day has come and gone where everyone in the studio breaks into three groups by level and does our best to execute whatever combinations our director throws at us.

Thank God.

My Saturday actually began at the ballet studio (not the company studio) substitute teaching three classes; a 6-7-8 ballet, a 4-5 ballet, and a 6-12 tap.
That’s right, tap.

The first ballet class was in the big studio. Half of the girls couldn’t care less to be there, and the other half seemed interested enough to try. I had no idea how to structure this class. So I asked the girls if they typically started at the barre. I gave them really simple stuff and just went with it.
(Also, before I had a grandma ask if she could stay inside and watch. Um. No. But I’ll crack the door so you can get pictures.) (sigh.)
The girls were really distracted. Worse than some of my tiny ones. I’m amazed at how some of these teachers can keep them in line, since I’ve always seemed to struggle.
We made it through class, that’s over.

Then the 4-5’s rocked my world.
They focused better than any class I’ve had (save the 9-12 ballet) and actually participated. So much that I ran out of things to do before our time was up. I winged it (wong it? whatever.) and managed. They started losing focus towards the end, but that was the least of my worries since they did so well in the beginning.
(Mind you, they were still a little distracted. Just, nothing like my other classes.)

The tap class only had 6 girls in it. One was in my rambunctious ballet class from that morning, and her sister was another.We started off with some warm ups, then we ran a few things from notes one of the teachers left. (I youtubed and made my own notes and then, ya know, forgot them.)
(It was a mess.)
(But, a successful mess.)

One of the girls flat out just lay on the carpet squares the whole time. Her sister joined her shortly after. They were only interested in the fun part.  Instead of insisting they joined, I just let them sit there, but no fun part if they didn’t participate. One of the older girls said she would rather work on things so that’s what we did. The three that cared got to learn new steps, and then do some of their favorite steps, and work on whatever they wanted to improve on. A fourth girl kinda went in and out on participating. When she did participate, she started showing improvement. She has potential, if she’ll work for it.
I was really proud of the three that participated. They learned new things and picked up on them really quickly. They improved on other things and really showed a lot of talent. Plus we had fun with it.
After class, the older sister who did nothing left class with the rest. I over heard a man’s voice who I think to be her Father say, “You need to apologize for wasting her time.” So she came in and apologized and I told her she was forgiven, but that next week she really needed to participate.
(Score one for Dad!)

I wasn’t feeling all that well to start off the morning, but I pushed through. By the time tap was over, I was getting pretty light headed. I went to get some lunch before auditions, but I was pretty hesitant. I knew I needed it to get through the hours of auditions, but I knew eating would make me sick. I ate anyway, hoping it would hit before they started.
It did. But then it didn’t.

I got there early, and was fine, until my stomach decided to digest at 2:57pm when auditions started at, ya know, 3pm.
It took everything in me to mind-over-matter enough to start that audition, my hope being that once we started I’d forget about it and push through.
(I did mention it to Elizabeth and told her if I looked pale to pull me.)
Barre went well. My stomach was angry, but I made it through. I did the grande plies and my knee was okay, I guess. I think I was too focused to notice too much.

When we moved to center, my stomach was forgotten about, but I was beginning to feel faint and fuzzy.
And of course I was in the first group. And of course Elizabeth was watching when I completely bombed the first thing we did.
I couldn’t help but laugh. Like. What else can I do? I’m sick and my knee is in pain and weak and I’m still auditioning. It’s rather comical in itself.

I did my best and did what I could. I’m a pretty terrible tester and therefore kinda suck at auditions as it is.
I have no idea what my face did. It could have been a perpetual “oops” or it could have looked like I was having the time of my life from laughing at myself.

We did these jete’s across the floor at one point. Four jetes. Arms in 3rd, arms in 5th, arms in 2nd, arms in 1st.
Apparently I switched 2nd and 1st, but I really don’t know arms so whatever. No one seemed to care. Everyone’s seemed different.
Now, I really suck at jete’s. I can’t get a good enough plie and my stomach sucks so whatever. But I did my best anyway. When we did them on the left side after a good firm scolding on how badly our arms sucked, I was off to a rough start (3rd person, ya know, after two claras from last year.) but I just went for it. At the end I heard Ms. Munro say, “Good arms!” and I finished off and was very pleased.
My jetes may suck, but I did what she asked, and I was the only one complimented.

So. That was nice.

We did parts from each dance, and I struggled with most. They know my knee is jacked up, though, so I did my best to do the combination anyway. I flubbed a few things, but oh well.
When it came to Russian, I sat out. Most of the work involved my bad knee and I know it’s not a role I’ll get anyway. I went up to Mrs. Alex and said, “Not because I don’t value the Nutcracker, but is it okay if I sit this one out? It’s on my bad knee.” She laughed and said of course and Emerson and I sat that one out. (She had sprained her right ankle pretty badly.)
Then the last thing they did was fouette turns which all of us had a choice in doing. I can’t do them on pointe, so I sat out.
Cheyanne, however, rocked them. I mean, everyone did well, but Cheyanne just blew it out of the water. I was so proud!

So, it’s over.
I’m pretty proud of how I did, even though it was rough. Just the fact that I could attempt this audition level was good for me. Last year there was no way I could. No way. The fact I’ve grown so much this year is enough for me.
They know how I dance, they know how I perform, they know what I’m capable of. They know I’m a hard worker and if I don’t know something I’ll figure it out. They know I’m reliable.
I’m not worried.

(But I’m so glad it’s over.)

At one point, when Ms. Munro showed us the Spanish variation, a swarm of girls all asked me different things at once. It was overwhelming, and I was uncertain myself. So I told them off, kinda. That this is an audition and they had to figure it out. Abarrane asked about an arm in one of the things, and it was something I knew the answer to and was simple, so I didn’t mind that. But man having everyone rely on me to the point I can’t take care of myself is too much.

It was an audition. It wasn’t a class. They’re watching everything you do. Act up and it could hurt you.

So yeah, it’s over, we should know in a week or two.
I’m not worried, but I’m also trying to not think about it. I did my best and I know they won’t give me something they don’t think I can handle. They’ll put me where they need me and I’m okay with that 100%.

Also, my audition number was 89, so Elizabeth and I decided that Taylor Swift was clearly my patronus that day.

Hi it’s been a week.

I have managed to make it through this week of classes.
We were off on Monday for Labor Day, which was good considering something bit my feet (again) and they swelled up and I couldn’t walk on them until Tuesday.
(Such a wreck.)
I had my doctor’s appointment on Tuesday. I also showed her my bites and she was pretty shocked by them. She said if it happens again–especially before Nutcracker Auditions on Saturday–to just walk in and they’d be able to give me antibiotics and a steroid shot to help.
I like this lady already.

Tuesdays class went really well, I felt. My feet held up and my knee wasn’t too bad and my stomach was typical.

Wednesday I had been asked to sub two classes. A 4/5 ballet and a 9-12 ballet.
The 4/5 ballet felt like madness, but mainly because there were so many girls. They were pretty rambunctious and my music decided it didn’t want to work. I made it work though, and got through, and the kids seemed happy.
The 9-12 ballet was my favorite by a long shot.
I walk in and half the class was girls who were monkey’s in Oz. I opened the door, they saw me, and their faces lit up and they ran over to me to hug me. Talk about making me feel like I’m Taylor Swift. My teacher’s daughter was in that class as well. She’s a quiet type, but so incredibly sweet and kind, and seeing her face get excited when I walked completely made my day. I love this little nugget!
I worked them pretty hard, and they kept up really well. I saw them implementing corrections and really trying hard. They’re such a serious bunch, which is great. I made my typical sound effects and stuff, which made them laugh so that was great. (hehe)
One of the girls I didn’t know, Mona, really shows potential. To say I was impressed is an understatement.
At the end of class, I had them working on pirouettes. Just simple, from fourth, across the floor. I did it with them and by the end of it, man, I was landing beautiful turns. And my knee didn’t hurt. And life felt great.
They were rock stars and did so great in class. I love them.
Mrs. Alex told me she asked Elizabeth what she thought of class. “She makes funny faces and funny sounds, but I like her!” Score!
Next I helped assist Mia’s class for one of the other girls who couldn’t make it. She ended up only having 6 girls and it was a 3/4 class, but I was glad to do it because I had never seen a 3/4 class. They do it very differently from how we did it at Instep, but it works really well for them. I want to try and implement more of those styles when I teach that level, so I’m trying to remember the format she used. The girls stayed quiet and followed along, and it was just great. (Probably helped that there were only 6 kids.)

By the end of that, I’m dead. That morning had not been kind to me and the repercussions were still evident.
But I still had my own class to get through. And my last one before auditions, at that.
I warned Mrs. Alex about it beforehand, just in case. And I was kinda scared at this point. I felt faint and nauseated and weak. Just standing up left me dizzy and my vision fading. How did I expect to make it through ballet class?
Still, I did the 200 crunches she had us do. (Most I’ve ever done. And I was so sick. How. I don’t know. I’m just. What.)
We did the barre work, and I felt my brain starting to space. Thankfully, I had Emerson in front of me for the left side. It was a good little buffer having her in front of me so if my brain lagged, but body did it anyway.
A few of the things got me twisted up, which Mrs. Alex saw once when she complimented me right as I messed up. It was pretty funny though, and I think it actually happened twice. She was watching me, though. Which was great. And it all felt great. I remember standing there thinking, “why can’t I just be well? Why does this have to be a struggle? It doesn’t have to be.”
We put on our pointe shoes, and I joined with the premise that I needed to work on turns before Saturday.
By this point, I felt like I could fall over at any moment. And not even because my muscles were worked or whatever. It wasn’t a matter of laziness, but of my body just giving out on me.
Still, the first combination we did across the floor brought improvement. I learned and grew and was able to do more than usual. The second combination included turns, and my right side (which has my good knee) is actually looking better. Enough to feel okay going into Saturday. My left side is still weak, but at least I know what is holding it back. I can take the steps to improve on it. (And hopefully we won’t do that side at auditions. Fingers crossed.)
After that, I sat out. I told Mrs. Alex, and she made the comment that I was doing really well. I said, “imagine how good I’d be if I wasn’t sick.” without even realizing I was saying it. But I mean, really.

Mrs. Rowland made a comment about how she doesn’t know how I do it–how I push through. The way I see it is that I don’t have a choice. If I don’t push through, I’ll never get any farther than I am right now. What it comes down to is this is going to be a process to try and find a solution. It’s been a long term problem and it won’t be resolved over night. I don’t have any more time to waste so I can either sit it out when I don’t feel well and never do anything because I never feel well, or I can fight through it and just know on the worse days I may have to hold back a little.
I’m hoping I can start to feel better and soon. I’m hoping this won’t be forever, even though it’s all I ever remember feeling anymore. I’m hoping that maybe there’s hope. But until then, I’ll push through until I can’t anymore. I’ll do my best and leave no excuses.

I still forget that most people don’t know I’m sick, and those that do are pretty new to the knowledge. It’s nice to know that I’m doing my best and that my best is more than enough. Ballet has been rejuvenating for me in my life, showing me that I’m not all the things people have told me I am–weak, lazy, making excuses, dramatic, faking it, etc. That this really is something I should take care with and give myself the room for humanity that I need.

I have found myself in a beautiful place among such supportive people. Sure, no one is perfect, but this has been the greatest bit of humanity I have ever experienced. And for that I am grateful beyond words.

And now, enjoy an old picture of Cheyanne from before I knew her.
I creeped this shot after class one day because there was just something about her that just stood out and I couldn’t not document it. Now she’s one of my dearest friends 🙂

Hi, I’m human.

This week has been a rough one, to say the least.
I managed to make it through classes the last three days, only having to sit out the last two or so combinations in yesterday’s class, which was the longest of the week.

I saw my chiropractor yesterday, and asked him further about my knee. He said my right leg is longer and it is because it just is. That the reason it hurts is because I roll in that foot when I plie to compensate for the elevated hip on that side. Doing so is causing the knee pain, and also causing me to not work the correct muscles. This makes my right leg weaker, and is the reason why my releves and turns and everything else are harder on that side. (though my balance is better.) Now I just need to focus on doing specific work outs for that leg to gain strength, and in the mean time I have a brace that is actually helping this time around.
(I also taught him what the term plie is. He was pretty proud of himself. I’ll quiz him next appointment.)

That being said, I’m not able to go to class today. Last week was rough on me physically, and not just because of my knee. I’ve had issues with my stomach/internal organs for a few years now, and doctors haven’t been able to pinpoint why. So far, doctors don’t seem to be too concerned. Whatever.
Recently, it’s gotten to be something I can’t ignore. Last week I tried, but this week has left me shaking in ways I have never experienced, forgetful to the point I didn’t even know it was something I could be forgetting, and oddly dizzy, which isn’t good for a dancer. I would get home just in time to get physically sick (thankfully, and amazingly) and the details of it no one really wants to hear. (Except my pre-med friend. She gets all the juicy details.)
I’ve been looking into what I can do about all of this, since the doctors locally seem to be lost on what else to try. A friend suggested a doctor in Central Texas. I looked into it, but would need a referral. I tried to think through what was the best course of action; should I just try my doctor here again? Should I ask for the referral? Am I gonna get quizzed or yelled at for trying to go elsewhere? Is there even anything else she could do, if the last few times I googled to come up with what to do and told her and that’s how we figured that out?
I was speaking to one of the dance mom’s (Ya know, my biggest fan, Mrs. Rowland 🙂 ) and she suggested a clinic here locally. It would be considered out of town for most people, but since we both live in the boondocks, it’s not all that bad. Just as far as driving to the other one I go to, just the other way.
I was a big girl and called to see about an appointment, and they’re able to get me in on Tuesday, which surprised me since I’m a new patient. I’m incredibly grateful, though, since I don’t know how long I’ll last based on these last few days. I considered going to the ER last night, but I don’t trust it, so I’m going to try and tough it out and take it easy. (Don’t worry, Mrs. Rowland, if it gets too bad I’ll go.) (And I’ll let you know I’m there.)
I spoke with Mrs. Alex about it last night, letting her know what was going on. I have been having to tell my teachers about it each day so they don’t freak out if I suddenly leave or have to do something halfway or have that glazed look on my face. I was kind of expecting yesterday’s teacher to just kind of listen to me, then tell me a simple, “Okay, well just take it easy” type of thing, but she didn’t. She was genuinely concerned for me. It made me feel really cared about. Like, I know people care about me, but dang all this support from everyone is a new concept. I really like it.
I told Mrs. Alex, and let her know I had the appointment on Tuesday and all that. I asked her what her opinion was on Festival. (The studio goes every year. I’m older, but it doesn’t really matter which, for me, is really great because I didn’t have these opportunities when I was younger and to know I didn’t miss out completely is really cool. It’s in the Spring, and they take different pieces, and there’s incredible master classes–all really enticing.) I booked two weddings last week (woo!) which could cover the fees and stuff, but I found myself hesitant. She told me a little more detail about it, and after I told her about my fear I’d get placed in too high of a level and die (hah,) I told her. “Honestly, I really want to go, especially for the Master Classes, but I don’t know how I’ll be health-wise then. This could be simple, but what if it’s not? I don’t know if Festival would be too much with already having Nutcracker and Swan Lake. I want to do well with those.” It was a valid point. She agreed that it might be best to sit out this year, even if I didn’t want to have to. So I think that is my decision at this point. (sad face.)

In other happy news…
Last week, when I was in the office on Friday waiting for the class I was helping with to start (since I’m crazy early for everything all the time) one of the teachers I hadn’t met (until that day) was talking with Ms. Munro and Nancy about covering days she would be gone. They asked if I was interested in subbing, and how they thought I would be great at it. (“You were born to teach!” thanks Ms. M) There was another girl they were looking at possibly having cover, so I told them if she fell through, I could do it.
The other girl looked pretty promising. I forgot about it.
I walked into class yesterday, and Nancy asked me if I could do it. The other girl fell through.
I’d have to leave work a little early (darn.) and it would be two classes–a 3/4 ballet and a 9-12 ballet. I told her I could and asked her different things about it since I’ve only ever seen one 5/6 class here and it was last week’s.
During class, Ms. Munro came over while I was at the barre (hahahahaha, yeah, while Mrs. Alex was showing a combination. Not gonna lie, I felt really important) and asked if I could do Mia’s class this Friday. She needed to cover the Tap class at the same time, and the easiest solution was to move Mia to the Tap and have me do the Ballet class I help her with.
So. Here we go! I teach my first class tomorrow! You’re looking at the newest staff member at Munro Ballet Studios! (Officially tomorrow when I fill out the W-4. Woo!)

That’s a pretty exciting step in a direction I love. I know it’ll be even better once I’ve done these classes and realized it wasn’t a disaster and get my feet wet in it and kinda have a handle on it. To be the teacher in the class–the one in charge, not just the helper or moral support for the teacher–is a pretty intense concept.
Look mom, I’m a real adult!

(And now I can finally answer “Yes” when I tell people that I do ballet and they automatically ask “Oh, you teach?” since in their mind a near-twenty-seven-year-old couldn’t logically be a student.)
(hehe)


I feel like a bag of excuses.

I left class after barre yesterday.
About 30 minutes early.

The bug bite on my elbow had swelled up pretty good and my foot was hurting (and I even found more bites?) which was making the dance mom’s concerned. I blamed it on that and told Ms. Munro I was gonna leave to take care of it. They did hurt and were bothersome, but really my stomach was hurting and making me dizzy.

Before I left, we had what I thought was a pretty successful barre. Brian wasn’t there, so Ms. Munro taught us, which made me happy since I already know her style and she knows about my knee.
I tried to do my best in spite of it all. I found myself balancing decently and lifting more and having better posture and more expression. (I don’t know why, though.) There was a point we did a cambre forward and back on releve and Ms. Munro complimented me. This took me by surprise. Usually I can’t hold my balance very well doing this on releve. Usually my hips move too much or I tense up all funny I don’t make it all the way. But this time, I actually did it, and Ms. Munro saw, and she complimented me.
Later on, we were doing a combination that included doing a develope a la seconde and holding it there–something I’m typically not very good at. But I did it. And Ms. Munro saw it. And she complimented me again. And to top it off, it was pretty high as well. And turned out. That’s when she saw me, as I fought for the turn out. And I think she was about to correct me but then I did it myself and she was happy I caught it.
So that was cool.
We also did this lunge into a front cambre, then took it to a back cambre and she said, “This is Swan Lake!” And on the side with the good knee, I was able to make it really dramatic. I don’t think she saw, but it felt good. So that was nice.

Yesterday’s really good barre made me feel hopeful.
I left early since I wouldn’t be able to do many of the jumps anyway.
I’m going to see if I can get another lift from the chiropractor for my shoe so I can cut it down to fit my pointe shoes better. Something. I think I’ll see if I can ask him why my leg is longer, because referring back to x-rays, the longer leg is the one with the jacked-up hip, so I don’t know if rolling out will fix anything. But I need some kind of solution. I need to be able to continue to improve and to be able to use my right knee.
Not being able to do simple things that shouldn’t be difficult can make you feel pretty defeated. And scared.
And I wish I knew exactly what to do for it so I could be doing it, but there doesn’t seem to be clear direction here. Or answers. Which seems to be the story of my life. So I’m making do with what I have and hoping something will happen and that I don’t screw it up more.
Trying to balance risk with wisdom is rather difficult.

No excuses.

This is my 201st post. So that’s kinda fun.

Anyway.

I haven’t been doing grande plies or any extensive jumps in the last two classes. It’s helped my knee, but I know the pain is still there, I’m just not tapping into it.
It’s beyond frustrating to know I can do all these things on my left side, and do them so well, but on my right I’m limited by this one thing. For seemingly no reason and with no real explanation.
Ugh.

But I was talking with Eloise after class on Monday. The two of us seem to be the most accident prone people on the face of the planet (obviously dramatic, but really) and we were talking about all the things we have to push through to continue to dance. We have all these opportunities to make excuses, but if we did, where would that leave us? We wouldn’t dance. Hardly, at least. We wouldn’t grow since we wouldn’t be in classes enough. Sure, it may set me behind the other kids in the class my level, but as has been pointed out, look at how far I’ve come in under four years.

I went from being the derpy new girl who didn’t know a jete from a pas de chat or how the heck to really do a rond de jambe, (Really. I had a friend tutor me in them it stressed me out so badly.)
(Thanks, Sarah.)
to this girl who is in the advanced class, the one called on for combinations because I am one of main ones to remember them. The girl that’s watched for the counts or asked how it’s done by the younger ones who are too afraid to ask the super advanced girls. I’m the one told by the teachers to take the advanced class when I didn’t even consider it an option and the one who is holding her own in said class. (Minus pointe. We’re getting there.)

And sure, it’s frustrating to know I could be doing so much more if my knee weren’t messing up. That I might even be able to handle advanced on pointe if I could plie enough on my right knee. But that’s not where life is. And I can’t do anything about it. I just have to handle it from here and be proactive and stay positive.

Look how far it’s brought me already.

I managed to even do a pirouette on pointe in Monday’s 5s class. It wasn’t all that pretty, but it wasn’t tense and it felt good. Feeling secure in a turn for the first time was incredible. So, I’m hopeful
get it together, knee.

Today is our longer 5s class. I’ll do my best in everything I can do and not avoid the combination just because of a few jumps. I’ll do my best at what I can do.

Also, a spider or something bit my big toe, and it hurts to put pressure on the tip of my toe so we’ll see what happens. Hah.

Missed a class already.

Yesterday I had to skip my 6s class.
Well, I guess I didn’t have to. But I did. I think it was for the best.

Me knee was feeling better in the morning, but as soon as I started bending it more than just walking, the pain returned faster than…well…something fast.

I had my chiropractor’s appointment yesterday. I told the guy who preps me for the rolly-bed-thing about my knee, and he seemed understanding at my concern, but what can he really do for me? Not much.
So I was psyching myself up to make sure I asked the chiropractor about it.
I get into the adjustment room. He comes in. We pop my back a million ways to Sunday, and then I was able to ask him.
It was quick. It wasn’t detailed. I told him my knee had been hurting and asked if it could be because it’s the longer leg. He said no, it shouldn’t be, and he put these little acupuncture bead things on my ears to help with the pain and gave me these supplements to take.
I had read online how your legs can become uneven from muscles being too tight on one side, jacking up the muscles on the opposite side and causing your bones to shift and stuff. I thought of the massage therapist telling me the pain on my right side was from the tension on my left.
One of the articles I found had a detailed regimen to do to help correct this, including the separate exercises on each leg, since the longer one will need different things than the shorter. I’m going to do this anyway, even though the chiropractor doesn’t seem to think it’s a contributing factor.
I bought a foam roller. I hadn’t been dancing all that much to really need one before (although I’m sure anyone can use them if they really wanted) and since I’ve been dancing more I haven’t had the floor space to do any rolling. Now I kinda do, enough anyway, so I got one and tried rolling out last night. I don’t know if I did it right or enough or too much pressure or not enough pressure, but I guess it’s a learning process.
(I just don’t want to waste any time. I don’t have any extra. This is all pretty tight.)

My stomach has been giving me heck, which made rolling out complicated. I couldn’t hold my core like I needed to some of the times because it made me feel sick. It’s beyond frustrating.
I need my stomach to shape up to roll out.
I need to roll out to be able to dance.
I need to dance to help my stomach shape up.
Vicious cycle.

I’m trying to not let it get to me.
Some days are better than others.

After the chiropractor, I went by the studio to talk to Ms. Munro about helping with baby classes.
They had me come into the office through the studio. First thing they did was sit me down and ask if I was okay.
I was like
What? yeah. wait, why wouldn’t I be?
And they were like
Is your knee okay?
And I’m like
Ohhh, that yeaaaaah…
And told them about my knee and how it’s been giving me trouble but now has escalated and how it’s all connected and my back and about the wreck and the nerve damage and my stomach and, ya know, the usual things I’m dealing with.
And Ms. Munro sat there with this semi-stunned look on her face.
She told me how she was amazed at all I’d been through and sorry that I had to deal with all of it. They had no clue all of this was  going on which seems to be the theme here lately and I guess that’s good.

And it was nice, ya know, to have an authority figure hear of all the issues I’m facing and not think that I just need to suck it up or stop being dramatic or whatever, but rather see it for the struggle it is. I wasn’t shot down for it. I can’t really explain how soothing that was for me. To be heard and understood and empathized with genuinely.
They obviously want me better, and they want me to do what I need to achieve that.
It was cool.
She said no grands, like Abby had suggested, and said that the whole rolling-out-different-exercises-for-each-leg thing sounded wise. So, I’m hopeful?
I was more hopeful before trying to roll out last night and feeling like an idiot.

I’m going to be helping Mia with one of her classes on Friday’s starting next week. I’m nervous because I don’t really know Mia. I haven’t taken her class and I don’t really know how she functions. I’m going to have to be assertive, so I’m hoping I don’t piss her off or overstep any bounds. I’m sure it’ll be fine. I just gotta get used to it. Dive in and sink or swim.

This means I’ll be driving into Corpus (about a 40-minute drive) 5 days a week now. Which is rough. But. I dunno. It’s worth it I guess? I like what I’m doing so. That’s nice.

I just feel like things are about to change. I don’t know what that means or if it’ll be a change I’ll like or hate, but a change nonetheless. It feels like something will be blowing in with this colder weather.
Cold fronts make me feel something more anyway. It’s hard to describe.
Like the memories stick better or something.
I feel it all.

Bump in the road.

Yesterday was the 5s class that has the separate pointe class with it. (So essentially, its the longer 5s class. Fancy words and diction is failing me. meh.)
I was slightly hesitant about the class, being that my knee was still being dumb, but hopeful that I could still make it through and it would be good.

Turns out I couldn’t plie at all on my right side.
Usually I can push through. Usually I can suck it up and just manage and make it work. Usually its not that big of a deal.
Yesterday was not a usually.
I tried anyway, but when it came to using the right leg, I felt my face grimace and tears well up in my eyes. The pain was shooting through my knee, under the knee cap, undeniable.
I didn’t cry. I didn’t panic. But Mrs. Alex could see all over my face that I wanted to. She told me, “You look so serious!” Or commented on how we looked focused and needed to have lighter expressions. Usually I can. Yesterday I couldn’t.
I didn’t cry because I wouldn’t let myself. I didn’t panic because I willed myself not to. I stopped and breathed deeply and every other trick I could think of. I shut off my brain and hoped I could still keep up with the combo because, ya know, my brain was off.
Mrs. Alex caught on. They know my knee has been messing up, and they’re really understanding. She said, “Don’t do anything more than you can.” To which I managed, “I can’t even plie.” And you could see on her face that she knew my pain.
Turns out the second half of class was nearly impossible. Eloise and I talked of our perpetual ailments and how we managed and what doctors we saw and who she recommended. It’s nice having someone who really gets it.

The class continued on, and I found I couldn’t do much of anything in center. Parts of it, yes, but anything that required bending the right knee past an inch was out of the question.
And beyond frustrating.
I stood in the back.
I watched.
I marked.
I laughed with Eloise when neither of us could do anything.
We watched.
We marked.
I tried getting the motion of the movement as if I were able to do it.
Anything that could get more ballet into my brain.

After class I talked to Mrs. Alex about it. We discussed options of what I can do and told her I might either be late to class the next day or not able to come at all depending on the chiropractor.
Ms. Munro asked if I was interested in helping with the baby classes that are packed.
I got in my car.
I cried.
Big huge tears, crying out to God because I need dance. It’s not just something I enjoy, it’s a necessity in my life. If I got to choose fixing my knee or fixing my internal issues, I’d choose knee. Because dancing helps the internal stuff and I can dance through that more easily even if it can be debilitating at times.
It sucks. It all sucks. And it’s not fair. But it is what it is.

I’ve been consulting Dr. Google today, trying to gain a better understanding of why my knee would be hurting. My assumption is that it’s because the right leg is the longer leg. So I researched a bit and found out there’s a muscle that runs through and connects all the important parts for the hip/leg. (lots of medical mumbo jumbo I don’t quite grasp enough to detail or summarize.) I read that everyone tends to have their legs a little uneven, and that it’s typically your dominate leg that is. (mine isn’t. so. that’s cool.) They say your muscles can get really tight and cause your hip to shove up into your ribs and make your legs uneven.
Oh.
Did my Chiropractor tell me this? I don’t know. It was an overwhelming day, and a lot was said. It’s possible he did, but it all seems new to me now.
The muscle that I read about is coincidentally the muscle that is the main storage for our response to stimulus. In other words, it holds our stress.
Oh.
On article called it the “trauma muscle.”
Yeah that sounds about right.
I found another article that detailed a stretching/strengthening/massaging regimen to help loosen the muscle and get the hips even again. I bookmarked it.

I’m afraid my chiropractor will talk to me like I’m stupid. Or tell me I haven’t done something right or enough or whatever. I’ve kept up with the stuff the Physical Therapist showed me best I can, but it doesn’t seem to be doing much. My back is better, it’s my knee that’s not now. And it’s given me trouble before, but nothing like this.
(and now, of course, my stomach started getting angry as I’m writing this. what the heck.)
I need answers, not criticism. I need understanding, not judgement. I need solutions.
I don’t care what I have to do. Last night I even thought how I would amputate the leg and learn to dance with a prosthetic (over lots of time and work, obviously) if it meant I could dance that way but now how it is now. If they told me I had to stop dancing because of my knees, then cut off my knees and give me a leg that can’t feel pain. I’ll make it work.

I’m frustrated. I’m upset. I’m scared and nervous and anxious.
I just want to dance.

First Advanced Class

I was nervous, but I tried not to let myself feel it.
I don’t even really know if “nervous” is the right word, because actually I felt comfortable.
But comfortable isn’t the right word either, because this was definitely out of my comfort zone.

I felt safe.

I had my first 6’s class yesterday, and it was in a safe place, so I knew I could try and possibly fail and it would be okay. I knew a lot was expected out of me, and honestly I want a lot to be expected out of me.

I’m surrounded by my friends and some of the best dancers in our studio; ones I usually size myself up against and find that I am below. Except yesterday, I didn’t just see the ones who’s legs battement up to their ears and think of how far I still have to go. I saw the ones whose legs battement about 90 degrees, similar to mine. I saw girls fighting for turn out. I saw the ones who struggle with combinations and closing in fifth when the tempo is quick. I saw other people’s legs shaking, too, and how we were all challenged in our own right.

Sure, I’m lacking in areas in comparison, but so are each and every one of us.
No one is perfect. No one can be.
We all strive for perfection, and strive to improve, but we’ll never reach it.
(That’s not the point.)
If reaching it were possible, why dance at all?
What would you get out of it?

This class has two classes attached, the latter being the pointe class. I can only afford 5 classes, which is already a splurge, so I opted to only take the ballet part of Tuesday’s and then take the other 6’s class on Thursday, instead of doing the full day Tuesday (which is technically two classes) and nothing Thursdays.

Mrs. Julie explained how the classes would be run and what she expected out of us. I knew I was the different one in the class since the rest of the new 6’s were full 5’s last year, and that all this was new to me. I asked Julie about it and she said that I might only get to do barre, and I told her that was fine since I wouldn’t be doing pointe in this class anyway and that it’s just my extra class for the extra push and challenge and work. She spoke to me like she thought I was capable of doing full on 6’s, pointe and everything.
Maybe one day. Maybe even halfway through the year, I don’t know. But right now, I shouldn’t risk it.

I am realizing that the main part of my issue right now is my right knee. It’s hurting really badly to where plieing, and plieing properly is a challenge. It holds me back and I’m not sure what to do about it.
I’ve had physical therapy for it, and have a theraband to do the things at home myself. But it feels like it’s bruised underneath or that my kneecap will just pop off. They say I have arthritis, but didn’t really tell me what I can do about it, and all the creams with 65 year old golfers kneeling on the pamphlet don’t work, so I don’t really know what else to do. I’ve tried a brace and it just made it worse, and the last time I taped it, it was a flop. (I plan to try again.)
I’m wondering if the fact it’s my longer leg has an affect. It started feeling better when I started going to the chiropractor, but now it’s hurting again, and badly.
I don’t want to have to be so cautious, to where I can’t do anything even mildly quick. I can only go so far like this, and I’m reaching the max.
I want to go farther.

There has to be a way, right?

Back at it!

(Oh wait. I didn’t really leave.)

I’m taking the Monday 5s, Tuesday 6s (sans pointe), Wednesday 5s, and Thursday 6s classes this semester, or at least am trying them out. I don’t foresee any issues, but you never know really.

Yesterday was the first official class of the Fall semester. I was glad for it, since it is likely to be my simplest class, and also since it’s a class I’ve taken before so I know what to expect. It also helped having my fellow 4s from last year in class with me. Familiar faces are always nice. There weren’t as many 5/6s in there as I expected, but maybe they’ll start showing up more in the coming weeks. Still, it was a fairly full class.
Somehow I managed to mess up my knee pretty good, and it was not having it yesterday. I still managed to do most of the class, but it progressively got more painful. It’s hard figuring out what to do about it or for it when it makes it difficult to even plie, which messes up everything else. The only thing I’ve found to truly help it is to rest and low impact things to keep it built up and active–like walking–but, ya know, I don’t really have time for that. So.
I didn’t realize how bad it was really hurting until yesterday. It had gotten better after having been in Europe for the two weeks, and I forget how easily it can mess up again if I don’t pay attention in plies.
It’s really frustrating, because it’s such a simple thing, yet it’s so pivotal, and not an easy fix. It’s under the kneecap and simultaneously feels bruised and like it can pop off with too much use. I’m assuming the tendon or muscle or whatever is under there is swollen or something. I have no idea whatever. It’s the knee they say I developed arthritis in. So I guess there’s that.

We did pointe, and I was actually able to do it. I was so excited. And that’s when I realized that the main thing holding me back is my knee. It’s the fear of the pain with the plie that keeps me from plieing well or enough, that messes with my stability. So I need to get this figured out. Brace makes it worse, taping doesn’t help too much and last couple times I taped it, it fell off before I could even get through class. (Beyond frustrating.) I couldn’t find my tape last night, so I brought my brace like it’ll do something. I just have to be really careful. And not kneel at all. And cross my fingers.

Elizabeth’s trick with shaving down my shanks really helped.

Lillian and I were working on these bad boys before class. I still need to do a bit more, but figured I’d try it out where I did it and see how it helped before shaving too much and ruining the shoes before my new ones come in. It feels good to finally be able to get a feel for your shoes and know what you want and how to prepare them. Not having the guess work so much. 
Even though my knee is stupid, I’m glad to be feeling good in class. At least I have a better understanding and can move forward from here on how to help it. 
I stayed for the 5s Jazz class after our ballet class yesterday at the invitation of Ms. Heidi. (That sounds super official. Really, she had a small class and asked more of us if we could stay.) I was limited, again, because of my knee, but it worked out really well despite it all. Much of the stuff was over my head, but I really like how open the environment is for me to learn. Even if I don’t stick with it, she’s willing to break it down for me. This, I believe, helps me as a dancer over all. There’s no way I could just jump into some advanced class that’s the level my fellow ballet dancers are and expect not to drown. I haven’t had a proper Jazz class since I was 11, and I don’t remember a thing. (except that we rocked those sequin shorts and N*Sync was the envy of all other recital songs.) But this class gives me the exposure to those things I miss out on because I’m not younger. It shows me a different side of dance and makes me a smidge more versatile. It opens me up and teaches me to really let go. Comfort zones aren’t important. It teaches me to really dance with my soul, to open up and show who I am through movement. To not let insecurities or fear of people’s opinions hold me back.
This not only helps me as a dancer, but as a person.
And then, when you start doing these things, and time keeps moving on, then you come across these moments when people are complimenting you, and telling you to take advanced ballet because you’re good, and telling you you’re a good dancer, and blowing your mind with these things you never really realized, and you know it’s true, because you’ve opened yourself up to be vulnerable. And it says, also, that not only is your dancing and technique good, but that your soul is.
And with that brain blurb, I shall end here.
❤

Fall Class Placements

I wasn’t able to go to class on Wednesday, and last Monday there was an influx of people in the studio registering, so I waited until yesterday to ask about which classes I should be taking in the fall.
I wanted to ask Mrs. Alex, since she knows the most about where I am and has taught me quite a bit last semester, but she wasn’t there yet. Ms. Heidi was, so I figured I could ask her opinion. She’d seen me in a few classes this summer, and we’re 364 days apart in age (hah) plus she’s knowledgeable so I figured why not.

She’s teaching the 4s this year, but I didn’t want to tell her that I didn’t want to take that class. I was considering it before, but I think this year it wouldn’t be all that helpful–I’ve grown past it. But my pointework is still lacking, so I wasn’t sure what to do. (hence asking.)
She said, “Do you want my honest opinion?” and hid her head like she does sometimes when she’s being honest. “I think you should take the advanced class.”

what.

I’m pretty sure my eyes bulged at that point as I wondered if there were some other kind of class she was referring to because surely it wasn’t the 6s/advanced that is, ya know, the highest level in the studio.

“We have been talking about you–in terms of dancing and the studio (I laughed, I cause I knew what she meant but it could have sounded funny. hehe.)–and we were wondering why you were limiting yourself to the lower classes all year.”
I asked if she had seen me at the beginning of the year, because Advanced would have been way over my head. Plus my pointe shoe issues, so I told her about all of that and rolling my ankle and winning the fitting contest and how now I can actually dance and life is good. But I’m behind. I can’t do a pirouette.
She suggested simply doing really thorough and consistent theraband exercises and the like. That working on strength will help me just as much as continuous execution, which is what Abby had pointed out in our last private we had before I went to Europe and so we’ve been working on that. She suggested maybe find what level worked for me for pointe, even considering the pre-pointe to get the strength work or doing Adult class on pointe. (which my friend Liz does)
“I think it’ll be good for you to be with the older girls. I think being around them will push you and you’ll rise to it.”
Well dang.

I had felt that I had improved this year, but I didn’t even consider this.
I guess I kept up in summer classes, but I was so beat mentally and emotionally from other things I hadn’t really considered it.
It felt really good hearing Heidi say these things to me. I guess the main voice that remains in my head is the one from the beginning, telling me that I may not be as good as I hope to be yet but I’ll get there one day. The one telling me to just do what I can and I’ll learn it eventually. The one telling me not to dream that big because logically I’m probably still a couple years out from achieving that. And some of that is still true.
Some of that will always be true.
I’ll never be perfect. I’ll never have it all down. I’ll never know everything.
No one ever will.
And this is one of my favorite parallels to life.
No matter how much we learn and how much we know, there’s always more to learn.
There are always places to improve and grow. There are always new perspectives and improvements to be made. And when you know all the depths of the world of ballet, you can always improve. There is always something to work on. And when you master it, you’ll find something else.
We will never be perfect, but perfect isn’t the point.
That’s why we keep coming to class.

Mrs. Alex got there a little later. I helped her move a table out into the lobby and then asked her what she thought. “I think 5s for sure. You can definitely handle that. And I think you should try the 6s.”
I told her that I can’t do a pirouette, and so I don’t want to drown in the 5s with that. (She’s one of the 5s teachers.) She echoed what Heidi said, to not be hard on myself if I can’t do things perfectly and all crazy good like some of the other kids do. To just do what I need to do to get the most out of class. The pirouette will come. “I think we put you down for 5s as your pointe class and then to take 6s.” She went to check, and that’s what they had done.
This isn’t just the opinion of one person. This isn’t just someone hoping for the best in me and I may or may not rise to it. This is the opinion of the majority of the teachers/principal dancers in the studio/company. This is their opinion of me without strain. Like it isn’t one of the biggest accomplishments of my dance career thus far.

I told Abby and Elizabeth about it, to see what they thought. I know they would tell me straight up if they thought it was biting off more than I could chew or a bit of a stretch, but they were in agreement. Abby said it would particularly be good if my goal was to be a Lilac. I’m really starting to get hopeful that that may be an actual legitimate goal. And with the capability to practice at home now, this could actually happen. I just need to remind myself that those little simple exercises do make a difference, and to not get discouraged when it feels mundane.

To say I was freaking out is an understatement.
It was just the jump I needed to my heart.
The week had started off pretty difficultly and I had considered not even attending class in fear that it would make me feel worse rather than better. The only reason I pushed myself to going was to find out what class I should place in.
Worth it. 

We had one of the Advanced teachers for class yesterday. I noticed I was pushing myself harder than usual when my muscles started hurting earlier.
I got a vague “good.” from him, which never happens, so that’s cool. Then he told me I need to point my feet more cause it breaks my line. I responded I guess as a defense which I instantly regretted but he didn’t care I just wish I would have kept my mouth shut. (Darn you short little toes!) So now I want to work on trying harder with that. (The pointing the toes part, that is.)

I’m a little nervous about going into this next year, but also hopeful. Which at the beginning of yesterday there wasn’t much of that so I’m grateful to have it back.
We’ll see where this year takes me!