Category: dance

I was an odd mix of nervous and calm going in to teaching my first baby class yesterday. It was one of the older age groups that I have, being the 5-6 year olds. I wasn’t sure how many I’d have or really fully what to expect, but it ended up being better than I could have hoped. There were 7 in class, 8 on roll so far. It’s almost inevitable that more will join in as the weeks go on, but this will give us a good start. I had two that were brand spanking new to ballet, which I find super exciting. One of them you never would have known had she not told me, she’s got a natural ability.

One of the younger dancer that will be turning twelve in a couple weeks told me she was going to be helping a Monday class. Since she’s there anyway, Mrs. Alex asked if she was interested. I told her I was jealous and that I want her for my class. When I got to the studio yesterday, her mom told me that she is going to be helping me on Wednesdays! I definitely did a fist bump. She’s the type that very mature for her age and a very good example, not to mention great with the kids. She’s not the type to get in the way or that I feel I have to watch as well, which I’m so grateful for. She’s a real asset to me and I’m thrilled to have her helping me!

I started the class off going over the rules and expectations. That there won’t be any talking unless it’s something I ask you to answer, ballet related, or if it’s an emergency. They stuck to it pretty well, getting a bit excited here and there, but nothing near the caliber I’ve had before. Overall, they did very well, and I busted out an old favorite from my previous studio–Slippery Fish–which was received with great excitement.

From there, I went into my V’s class. It was so great to see all the girls again, and to have a normal fall class, hopefully getting into the swing of things again. The girls were a bit chatty, but overall it was pretty good. The teacher we have for the class is really good about explaining things. Maybe she just says it in a new way, or a way I understand better, I’m not sure. But whatever it is, it sticks. I still have so much to work and improve upon, as I always will, but I’m grateful to have teachers that are there to help me continuously improve.

As of right now, I leave after Ballet (before the V’s pointe) and go into the adult class. I wasn’t originally going to take the V’s ballet, but Mrs. Alex pointed out that it’s the exact window between the babies I teach and Adult, so I might as well. Now I’m torn on if I want to keep doing this or if I want to stay for the Pointe class. After V’s, I was seriously considering staying, but then I went to adult and after it I couldn’t think of not taking the class. The struggle lies in the fact that I’m not doing pointe currently. I could do adult in my pointe shoes, but it’s so nice doing it on flat and just working on the basics. But I could still do it en pointe if I wanted, now I just have to decide.

I did like that I could implement corrections given in the V’s class’ barre when I was doing barre at adult. It being so fresh on my mind helped it to stick and helped me to get the feel of what I needed to fix. Ms. Munro taught adult, and she gave me a few “good!”‘s, and even saw a balance that I somehow managed to hold, commending me by name. She also gave me quite a few corrections, some of them even hands on, which I really appreciate. I have to figure out how to use my body and the base of everything I’m doing, so having these corrections and this time to really work hard on that is wonderful.

I teach another class tomorrow and two more on Saturday. I’m nervous and excited, but mostly hopeful that they’ll go well.

It doesn’t feel like it can possibly be mid-August already. That some schools are already back in session and others start back next week. Where did time go? What have I done with my life?! 

I was a little nervous for yesterday’s class. Not so much as I normally would be since I knew most of the adults from summer, but more so since I haven’t taken a “normal” adult ballet class and I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. I’ve watched a few adult classes before, and usually there’s a pretty good amount of students. Yesterday, I was one of 6. 

I had watched a bit of the V’s class before ours, curious as to who all was taking it and how many there were. (The class of IV’s that just moved up is HUGE. which is pretty cool, honestly. That so many of them are sticking with it.) I didn’t notice any VI’s in the class and only noticed four returning V’s and there were so many students they had to pull out an extra barre. The teacher is new for this level this year, and it seems like it’s going to be a great year. I’m excited for them. I considered taking it since I’ll be there early anyway, and I’m taking the V’s Wednesday between classes, but didn’t register for it. Still indecisive. 

I’ve had a good past couple of days healthwise, which was a pleasant surprise. Mix that with the quaint class size and it made for one of the best classes I’ve had in a while. Mrs Alex taught, and I was able to be at a barre where I could see myself in the mirror without having to look through other people at the barre in front of the mirror (which is when I usually give up using the mirror at all) and was able to really see where I am versus where I need to be. The pace for adult is wonderful for finding where you need to be down to the detail and perfecting it, so I was able to get the feel for new head placements I hadn’t fully understood before and really using the upper body. I still need work, but yesterday just felt so good. It also wasn’t too bad on my knees, and the pace helped me be able to find where square is, even though it isn’t a natural position for me, and work the muscles to try and maintain square hips throughout combinations. It’s amazing how much more you can do when your hips are simply square. I was able to work on centering myself and really using my core. I felt like I was on top of the world, like I was really getting somewhere. 

After class, I tried on my new size 40 Russian Pointe Rubin’s to see how they do when my feet are warm, and they were great. The elastics are a bit loose, but I can fix that. I tried a pirouette on each side, just to see the feel of it, and they actually weren’t terrible. One of my friends who takes class with the principal dancers even said that they looked really solid and my balance in them looked good. That was so great to hear and honestly it was probably the best I’ve ever done turns. (Now to further work on my ankle flexibility, my spot, and getting my leg to a higher passé.)

I left class feeling alive and enlightened. Like I have a new hope that I can still learn and grow. That I’m not finished or hopeless. 

I was woken up this morning by stomach pains, which have been with me all morning. I’ll spare you the details, but I feel like all those good days I had this weekend have come back to bite me all at once. Maybe it was the core use yesterday getting back at me today, but dang I’m in pain and wiped out after hardly doing a thing. I’m going to try and push through anyway to maintain the regimin I have made for myself to try and get stronger. I realize I can’t do everything I wish I could do, but if I just start where I am and make a habit of it, I’ll see results in time. I can’t give up. 

I think it helps that the Olympics are going on right now as well. They give me hope. You see these athletes that no one expect to even get into the finals walk away with gold medals. Just because you aren’t what’s deemed “the best” doesn’t mean all hope is lost. 

And you never see someone just give up. Even if they mess up terribly or know they don’t have the start value to win, they go out there and do their best and are so proud of themselves. That’s how it should be. That’s inspiring. 

Do your best where you are with what you have. That is the formula for success. 

Tonight we had a guest teacher in class. Her name is Kirsten, and she used to take class at our studio growing up, along with her sister, until she graduated. From there she went to the Houston Ballet school, then to University of Utah (I believe) and was recently signed on as an apprentice with the Oklahoma City Ballet. She was in our class on Monday, which showed clearly that she was very skilled but also I was struck by her humility and sweetness as well as her confidence. It didn’t come off as cocky, just a firm belief in herself. A rare gift, really. A fine balance. That in itself can set apart a dancer. 

In class today, she spoke more than I think most teachers we have usually do, but I greatly appreciated it. She was clear with us on what she wanted, in detail, and in turn was able to get out the details I can lack from the combinations. For me coming into this as an adult, some of the basics are missed just from not going through the ranks like most of these have, so any detail or explanation I can get is one I cling to. 

But even so, when she spoke, she used her words wisely. Nothing was overly repetitive, and it was all clear and descriptive. It really helped me to have a better understanding of corrections other teachers have given. Sometimes all it takes is a new voice to say it or to describe it a slightly different way, and I believe part of it was also just the person she is. Plus she’s at a very unique place in her ballet journey, having just become an apprentice. She has all this experience in the ballet schools and in company auditions and fresh insight that really is beneficial. I’m so glad she shared it. 

She expanded on the things Ms. Clara from the ballet forum had told me about using specific muscles to help me maximize turnout and lift out of my shoes and lift in the knees. Things I’ve been told to work on, but having it explained and demonstrated by her helped it all click together in my brain. Like each direction was a puzzle piece and the puzzle was finally completed. (At least that section of the vast puzzle that is ballet 😂) 

Class felt good, even though my back has been hurting pretty badly and my stomach decided it wanted to throw me through a loop right before class. I pushed through anyway, hopeful that maybe class would help. It seems to have so far, but tomorrow will tell more about my back. I also ordered a different lift for my shoe to hopefully make up the difference in the lengths to help, without being too over corrected. 

A few of the combinations were new and a bit of a challenge. I was excited for the challenge, but definitely messed it up more than I would have liked, haha! But I was able to figure out where I went wrong and fix it, and learned a few new transitions and things today too so that was really great. It was fun to have something new in class, a new perspective again. And being the last class before Fall classes start up Monday, it was a great way to go out of summer. 

Kirsten and I after class. 

She also has a YouTube channel that I think is really great! If y’all want to follow her it’s TwinTalksBallet 

She has perfect French Twists, of which you’ll find a video on her channel of how to execute such perfection, among other wonderful videos. So check her out! 

She also has a Twitter, which is at twinstalkballet. (Don’t confuse the placement of that s! 😉 )

My dear friend over at Bush Ballerina left me a comment that really encouraged me. She helped me see the perspective of getting to dance at all. So many times I get caught up in trying to improve at some pace that I have set in my head. That I should be better than I am. When this is no ones story but my own. I’m not the same age as these girls around me, I’ll never have the opportunities some of them have, I can’t have the careers they could have. That’s not my story, it’s theirs. But it doesn’t make my story any less, just different. 

And isn’t that sort of the theme of my life? I’ve never fit the mold, never really been what people expected me today. I’ve beat my own drum and danced to it. I’ve stuck to my convictions even if they weren’t popular or understood. I’ve tried to be unapologetically myself, even if I didn’t fully understand quite who that self was. I don’t always succeed in this endeavor, but I do my best. Why would I expect my ballet story to be any different? 

It won’t be perfect. That’s impossible. It won’t be what’s expected. It won’t always be understood. But what I can guarantee is that it’s mine, and that I have found myself in a wonderful place surrounded by great people who support me and want to see me achieve everything I can. They support me, quirks and complications and all, and want to see me succeed right where I am and help me get to where I want to go. They give me opportunities I probably wouldn’t have elsewhere and never really expected to be able to have in my life even here. I can’t let myself forget  that. I can’t forget where I came from, and how far I’ve gone in the almost five years I’ve been dancing, especially given the challenges I’ve faced. 

Kirsten was born pigeon toed, which you’d never know seeing her turn out. She told us of what she realized that helped her find her proper turnout and build the muscles needed to maintain it. 

Having her example in class, and Zoe’s comment (Bush Ballerina) really showed me that even when I feel like I’m completely isolated with absolutely no hope, that I’m not alone. Other people have been where I am, or at least in similar places. If they can do it, so can I. I also think of my friend with scoliosis when I try and fight my crooked back. Those small things can encourage someone more than they’ll ever realize, and for that I’m incredibly grateful. 

There’s a dancer who’s been in these interim classes that really surprised me. She has improved so much over the summer that it’s almost like she’s a completely different dancer. Starting off in a lower class, she didn’t let it get her down. She worked hard and studied hard and soaked up any bit of advice or direction she could get and applied it. It has clearly paid off. I think it’s that drive that you have to have to get through something difficult like being put in a different class than your friends or people your age. You can either be defeated and complain, or you can trust your teacher has a reason for it and work your tail off to show them you can do it. That work ethic is what can set dancers apart and make them a dark horse to watch out for. Quiet leader. She still has more to learn, but her progress is incredible and she has the correct attitude to only go up from here. I know for sure I have learned so much from her example, and am grateful to know her. I hope to apply her example to my life. 

I’m really risking it by eating my third salad in a row tonight, but they’re just so good I’m just gonna go for it and cross my fingers that I don’t regret it later. Tomorrow will tell. Maybe I’ll get lucky and somehow my body won’t hate me over it. 

Ps. My company jacket makes me feel like I’m an Olympian. I pretend at least. It makes me feel like I’m part of something, a family. I take pride in it, I worked hard to earn it, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to wear it. 

Keep your heads up and hope alive. 

The sky can’t be dark forever. 

I’ve had to miss a few more classes here and there for various reasons, and it makes me sad every time I do. I try not to let it get to me too much, though, as this is life and unexpected things happen all too often. 

I was able to make Monday’s class and I’ll be in class again tonight (with a guest teacher who took class with us Monday and from what I gather is newly made company member somewhere. I hope to get more details tonight. She was great and really kind.) 

Life has been rather difficult for me lately, in many different ways and avenues. I keep holding on to hope that things won’t always be this way, but until that happens the days are long and hard. I have found that this makes class harder. I guess I forget how much I fight against just to dance until my strength is sapped by other things and I have to dig deep to keep my spirits up. 

My stomach is ever-complicated, my back has been causing numerous issues of its own with pain in my left lower back I don’t seem to have explanation for, as well as the “normal” complications from having the uneven legs. It’s possible this is a result of that but my chiropractor just blames the fact I dance. But I’ve been dancing far less since it started hurting, and dancing keeps my health largely in check for the most part. I can’t imagine what it would be like if I didn’t dance. What I have to deal with when I can’t make it too consistently is complicated enough. 

So what do I do? Do I give in to the excuses I’m rightfully handed? Do I fight against all these complications? How much is too much to fight? Where do I draw a line? When do I tap out? Do I? 

It’s exhausting, trying to find the balance in being able to do the one thing that makes me feel alive. I found myself in tears recently at the thought that everything in life is wearing me down so much that it’s compromising the thing in life that makes me happy to be alive. And that there isn’t much I can do about it. 

So, I struggle. I fight against symptoms of these larger issues and thoughts that enter my mind telling me I can’t do the things I’ve been able to do in the past. Thoughts that tell me I’m not enough. That it’s not worth the fight; that I’m not worth the fight. I fight against loneliness, though I am grateful for the few I have that are here for me, but it is a road you largely walk alone. Few understand. And those few that do I greatly appreciate, though I feel for them having to walk similar roads, I am grateful we are at least together in that. 

I don’t know that I’ll be posting quite as often as I have been lately–after every class and all. My goal is to give you fewer, more quality posts, rather than posting just because I usually do and it’s what is expected. I’ll definitely update any time I learn something profound or worth sharing, much like I did at the humble beginnings of this blog when it was centered around “everything I need to know about life, I learned in dance class.” Little bits of wisdom you can glean along the way. 

Classes start next week, my first class being on Wednesday. I’m excited and nervous and hopeful. 

Stay tuned 😊

I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, but this weekend lead me to getting sicker than usual, along with this past week.

I went to class yesterday, and made it all the way through, but still didn’t feel fully myself. It’s as though my brain couldn’t wrap itself around some of the concepts. Granted, it was also a teacher I haven’t had but maybe once before, so I’m not particularly used to her style. It was a really great class, style wise, though some of it a bit hard on the knees. Even so, I really enjoyed it. There were a few new things that I enjoyed attempting.

I found myself choking down some anxiety about half-way through. A mix of the events of the day, interactions, and fear–it took me some intense mental-blocking to get through without breaking down and being super hard on myself. I recognized it, and knew that the me a year or two ago would have shut down and even broken down, but I kept it together and reminded myself that no one would know unless I showed them. If I held it together, it’ll be better in the long run. I did my best, tried to stay as focused as I could, and do the best I could do that day.

We got an email with the dates for auditions and shows. Turns out this is about the worst possible year for me, schedule-wise, but I have to make it work. I have to talk with Mrs. Alex a bit about it all, since it got a little more complicated since there’s a wedding I’m obligated to during an audition. (And one I was really hoping to prove myself in.) I already can’t make the teacher orientation-type meeting because of a rehearsal for a wedding I’m in that’s on a Thursday. It’s stressing me out a little since it’s my first year teaching, I really want all the information going in that I can get. I want to know their expectations of me and just to be there. They’ll have all the info for me anyway, I talked to Mrs. Alex last night, but being there is just better. It’s like missing a rehearsal and trying to catch up on your own before the next on. Details get missed.

I’m trying not to stress out about everything, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t stressed. This week has already proven to be overwhelming, and I’m finding myself at a breaking point that I can’t afford to be at. I’m finding a way to keep going, but it’s pretty difficult.

I’ll make it through. I have to, so I know I will.

Summer classes have been great. I’m sad they’ll be over, but this next year should be great. Registration is this week. I’ve got a bit more research to do for my classes still, but I’ve found some really great resources. I’m hopeful.

I’m trying not to worry about the madness of Spring until I have to. I’ll need to speak with Mrs. Julie as soon as I can see her, though. Working at a tax office and doing ballet is a complex balance. (especially when all the dance dates throw each other straight into tax-season-madness.)

I’m readjusting plans that I can, readjusting visions and dreams. Trying to stay flexible and open minded and not get my heart set on anything.

Prayers are appreciated. ❤

I was really excited to get into the studio yesterday. I know I had only missed one class, but it felt like much more. This week has been a doozy, and the thought of having a good and sweaty ballet class lifted my hopes.

And then about 30 minutes before I left for class, my stomach decided it would have none of it.

I still went to class, mainly because I’m stubborn as heck. It was a full class, Mrs. Alex taught. It was thoroughly enjoyable. But I found myself spacing out and lethargic, my stomach hurting and my back joining in as well, resonating up into my neck, jaw, and head on the right side. It left me feeling pretty helpless, as well. My chiropractor doesn’t have any answers for me other than “stop dancing” but then not dancing affects my stomach negatively, making that not really an option.

I got through class the best I could, slowly noticing the different things that were off about me–inability to focus, forgetting, eyes feeling really heavy (specifically the left), balance being off, etc–and factoring if I thought I could get through center successfully, or if it would end up being a huge mess. I decided to bow out gracefully and quit while I was ahead.

I waited until we finished barre, then went up to Mrs. Alex and explained, asking if it were okay if I left early. She completely understood and said it was fine. I grabbed my bags and headed out.
For my own knowledge, I poked into the second studio, which was empty, and put on my pointe shoes to see if it helped using the gel tips for my big toes. My feet felt crammed in the shoes, but other then that it was definitely doable. I did a few pirouettes and arabesques and bourrees to feel it out and decided it was okay, then took my shoes off, put on my cover ups and headed out.

I got to my car and saw Ms. Munro walking towards me. I rolled my window down and, bless her heart, she asked if I was okay. I explained how I wasn’t feeling well and how I’ve been sick for years and doctors don’t know why and sometimes it just flairs up and this week had been rough. She said she was hoping I wasn’t hurt and hopes I get to feeling better. I thanked her. (How sweet is that?)

I really hope I can get all of this in check. I seem to remember it getting particularly bad this time last year as well. Not sure what that correlation could be? I don’t really have much room for these kind of things starting in two weeks. Hopefully it starts to settle down.

I fell asleep before 10pm again last night, which half the week I won’t even be home by that time once fall schedule starts up. I guess I’ll just relish in it as long as I can.

I generally loathe missing class.

Even if I pretend like it’s good to take a break, 9.8 times out of 10 I really wish I could be in class and have to make myself be okay with the fact that I had to miss.

I made the decision to forgo class today. For a few frustrating reasons. My stomach has felt pretty terrible and I know using the core so much would make things worse, the weekend left me a little sleep deprived (not enough to phase most, but it doesn’t take much to phase me nowadays) and the drive is long, and I was a bit afraid I’d zone out and fall asleep with my eyes open on the way there. (Yeah, this is a thing that happens.)

I really wanted to be in class. I wanted to move and express and work hard on something I care about. I wanted to grow and learn and strive. I wanted to do something that makes my heart forget it’s trouble and remember why I’m glad to wake up every morning.

That sounds dark.
But, whatever, I guess honesty is a good chunk of me is dark and if you spend enough time around me it comes out and becomes evident.
Mix that with having to fight some unknown sickness every day, uncertain how bad you’ll feel or which ways your body will decide to react or how you’ll handle food. It’s subtle, and I can generally play it off, but I’d be lying if I told you it wasn’t there every day. I just don’t know what to do about it so I largely ignore it. I can’t afford to see my doctor and see about more tests to try and convince them that it’s more than IBS and I suck at explaining how I feel with it since it’s been my normal for a good part of my life. I get depressed, I get anxious. I worry over how it affecting me affects others and if I talk about it too much or make other people uncomfortable because I know it’s hard to understand, especially if I can’t explain it.

I wanted to be in class, but instead I came home and have been in bed for the last three hours, making myself not get up and do things I know I need to do because I’ll just feel worse if I do them.

This sucks.

Yesterday I pushed my body farther than I have in a while. (Probably contributing to the heightened issues today.) One of my longest-standing dear friends and I decided to road trip to Lost Maples (about an hour from San Antonio, TX in the hill country.) And hike around a bit. My friend is super hard core, especially with hiking, and this is something she absolutely loves to do and used to do with another friend of hers before she moved. We both had been having a rough time and needed to get away, but our bank accounts wouldn’t let us go far, so we decided we would get in the car Sunday and drive.

I was actually semi-shocked at how well I kept up. I didn’t feel that she was really hanging back for me or that I was holding up the progress much. There was a point on a steep incline that I had to stop more than I wanted, but it was because of my stomach. The core usage was pushing it past it’s limits and when it started weakening, my legs started feeling shaky and I felt every last pound I’m carrying, haha.
But I made it. I kept going. I pushed myself. I saw beautiful parts of my state I had never seen, smelled the fresh air, engaged in deep and sometimes cheesy conversations, and made a great memory with a cherished friend. Getting out into nature does wonders for one’s soul, and sadly I don’t get to do enough of it around here.

Five years ago, that hike would have been impossible. In fact, five years ago hiking was near impossible. I was really overcome by whatever illness this is and couldn’t even finish the easiest hike. I was weak and lightheaded and afraid I’d pass out every few minutes.
Since I started dancing, I’ve noticed an increase in stamina. I may not be able to scale mountains or even jump rope for a solid two minutes without stopping, but I can baby sit and actually go out and play with the kids without feeling like I’m gonna fall over at any moment. My brain may lag a bit, but it’s sharper than it’s ever been. I’m able to go hiking with my friend and do the “rough and strenuous” mile and a half section of the trail and not feel like I’m just anxiously hoping the end is near, but instead actually enjoying what I’m doing and the work my body is putting in to do it.

There was a point when we crossed a little creek on these exposed stones. My friend went first and I followed behind, all casual. She turned around and glanced at me as we continued on and told me dance is really working for me. She said before that would have been a real struggle for me and I just took it like it was nothing and didn’t have stability struggles. She said my ankles were clearly stronger and not too long ago I wouldn’t have been able to do that. It was cool coming from this friend. She’s the hard core, boxing, hiking and rock climbing, 60-plus mile bike riding friend. I’ve been the weak, slow, lacking friend for as long as I can remember. And I do ballet, which isn’t all that hard core with our tutus and toe shoes. But now I’m starting to get muscle tone, and my ankles can handle wobbly rocks with ease, and I’m keeping up on hikes. In spite of being sick, I’m stronger than I’ve ever been.

And sometimes dance can make me feel terrible. Some classes I leave wondering how I even get through with how many things I’m fighting against. Sometimes my body hurts so much in so many places that all I can think about is all the pain I’m in and all the things I seemingly can never achieve.

But then I get into class. And I feel that sense of euphoria doing what you love the most makes you feel. And it acts as a sort of balm over all the pain and discomfort I feel. It gives me something to work towards and feel good about. It gets my blood pumping and makes me stronger, which in turn helps me fight whatever this is even if it hurts many days.

It sucks missing a class. But I know there are more classes ahead. I know I have this one body that I have to take care of and if I’m not feeling quite up to par and I have the option to sit it out, I need to sit it out so I can push through when the time comes.

My friend got some dance pictures of me at Lost Maples, but I don’t have them yet. I’ll post them when I do. Until then, here are some pictures I got of our trip 🙂

And here are some from my trip to Europe this time last year. Dance pictures were a must and I figured I’d give em to you in one lump sum rather than a little at a time, hehe 

(Don’t mind the time hop stamp there 😂)  

Yesterday’s class felt like it crept up on me, but I was excited to get into the studio.

Two of my friends from Instep were supposed to come to class, but got sick and weren’t able to. (they’re sisters.) I’m hoping they’ll be able to make it tomorrow!

Before class started, we noticed a new face in the studio; specifically, a new face speaking to Ms. Munro. She was introduced shortly after her arrival as Hadley; a new teacher who recently moved to town (as in, last Thursday) and had impressive credentials. I was instantly nervous, as is common for me.

New teacher. Do I just come right out with all my issues? Do I stay quiet and give them time to figure it out? Will that come off as an excuse? Do I point them out at all? Does she know I’m an adult? Surely this mixed class would lean me looking more towards the adult side, right? Does she expect me to know more than I do? ugh.

I pulled myself together and managed to keep  my mouth shut for the most part and left all my anxieties inside, keeping me from looking as foolish as I feel and alleviating most of the embarrassment. Hadley (Ms. Hadley?) opened the class, her temperament calming most of my panic. Her combinations favored the simple-yet-technical type, which are my favorite, and great for feeling out a new class/studio. She was great at giving analogies (and new ones, even. Like thinking of your rib cage as kitchen cabinets that you want to keep closed) and explaining things well, as well as showing the combination. She gave the combinations with clarity and confidence, reflecting that back onto the class.

I was impressed. 
And honestly, relieved.

Not just for me and what I would get out of this class, but of what she could be for the studio. If my hunch was correct that she would be a new hire permanently and not just through summer, she could prove to be a real asset for us. 

She gives hands-on corrections, over just general ones, which are wonderful. Even correcting my arms in a place I hadn’t been corrected on before–which made me really happy–as well as lifting up in my standing leg’s knee cap, which is an important one for me to remember right now. I was grateful. (And managed to keep my awkwardness inside and not say stupid things I regret later. yay!)

I opted not to wear my pointe shoes for center. Partially because I wanted to get a feel for her center combinations first, and partially because I forgot to buy more toe tape, haha. It worked out. There were enough of us to cause us to need two groups, and instead of just splitting down the center, she picked specific people to be in group one and others in group two. She put me in group one, which I think communicated to me that she can see that I’m not simply the hot mess I sometimes convince myself I am. That I have a grasp for this. I dunno, it felt good. Reaffirming. Maybe I’m just lame. *shrug* I did decently in most things, and flubbed up others, nervously speaking afterwards which always ends up being those things I lie awake thinking about how I was so stupid to do so. (thankfully my friends are gracious and don’t hold it against me.) There was a jete combination where we went forward, then reversed that I hadn’t done since Instep that confused my brain, but was fun to try anyway. We did a zig-zag of grand saut de chat’s across the floor (which she correctly called a saut de chat and not a grand jete, because there is a difference, making me like her more) 

Edit: just learned that there is actually, like, huge differences in this. (Jete vs saut de chat.) I was told from my teacher at my old studio that the above is the difference, but now I know better! And it makes sense as to why people call it a Grand Jete (leaving off the develope) instead of a saut de chat. Maybe I was told that before and it just didn’t click? Anyway. Yay learning new things! Thanks to those who pointed this out! 

which is where she specified that she wanted us to use certain arms on the tombe, pas de bourree before the glissade into the grande saut de chat. She described it as “Taking both boyfriends, Tom, (she opened the leading arm) and Ray. (as she opened the second arm.) Get it. TOMbe pas de bourRAY. Puns. I love puns.

As if I wasn’t already sold before, I was then, and I laughed in the corner harder than most people probably would, but it was so clever and cheesy, it was perfect.

Anyway, when we went across the first time, I actually felt myself get off the floor in my saut de chat’s. I don’t know what it was, but even glancing in the mirror, they got somewhere. I finished and took a second to let the bit of shock set in, and tried to figure out what it was I did different, but honestly I couldn’t tell you. I could tell you that the second side I was thinking so much I messed up royally and they were terrible, but hey whatever.

As she corrected a few of us about extending the back leg fully, she addressed us all as a whole on a very good point;

“It is your job as a dancer to feel.”

In relevance to this, it was referring to how we need to be able to feel when our leg isn’t straight, or our foot sickled, or a million other things to think about. We can’t just go through the motions and get into a sort of pattern of this-is-what-we-do-because-she-said-so. She had brought up a similar point in explaining how our tombe pas de bourree’s should be like taffy (which is an analogy I’ve heard, but she explained it, so it clicked with me) and not just singular movements. It’s should be an entire phrase, not just separate words put together. And it’s our job to feel if we are doing that or not.

Similar to corrections that inspired me to start this blog in the first place, (for you newbies, it used to be called “Everything I need to know about life I learned in ballet class.”) This resonated deeper with me.

It’s our job as dancers to feel. Not only the placement of various body parts, but to express emotions. Our chosen art for happens to use ourselves as the medium, and in such we are required to express; to feel. I realized that even though I’ve told myself over the years that letting myself feel is bad, and though I’ve gotten better about it, I still hold back.

But it’s okay. It’s safe. And, quite honestly, it’s necessary.
I don’t owe anybody anything. I don’t owe them attention, explanations, time. I can and do give it, but I don’t owe it. I feel what I do, and I don’t have to explain it or justify it.
I’m pretty sure I’ve realized something similar before, but this really resonated with me.

I left the class feeling great, and excited to have her. She’s teaching again next Monday, and I’m looking forward to it.

Mrs. Alex showed me the teaching schedule to see if I am good for the classes they have me down for tentatively. They’re good for me, which is exciting. I do have two Saturday classes, which will be interesting since they are more rambunctious, but it’ll be good.
It hit me that I now have recital pieces to choreograph and costumes to pick out and lesson plans to come up with. I’ve got a lot of researching to do in the next month and a game plan to come up with. I’m grateful to have had the summer so as to be able to get a feel for what to expect, as well as which tactics are effective and what I should try. Laying the groundwork is so important.

Once again, I have failed to get pictures. I think I just get nervous and afraid of judgement. Hah.
I don’t want to be that vain person. But I know if I don’t do it, no one will.
The struggle.

I hope y’alls weeks have started off well!

It feels like I’ve been out of class for months, when really it’s barely been two weeks. If that. Nonetheless I’m blogging this while icing my ankle and listening to a sweet Romeo and Juliet vinyl my friend Annika got me 😊

My foot was still a little swollen, but not near as badly as it has been. And it was to the point where I can keep a sock on it and not feel as itchy. Downside is my stomach has been angry, and I wasn’t sure if I could get through a class without getting sick. I’m not sure what to do about it except just endure through, so that’s what I do. I want sure if I was going to be too dehydrated to really dance, but it didn’t seem to be a problem. Either that or my stomach hurt enough for me not to notice the dehydration. 

I grabbed my leotard I got in The Woodlands last week to wear for class. I was really excited about it. I didn’t factor in anything when I picked the pants and shirt to wear over it to and from class. So I ended up having my boots I wore to work, with a gap between my purple yoga pants and shoes that showed my tights. Then my Every Ella shirt that had my 3/4 leotard sleeves poking out. 

I am so fashion forward.

Just kidding. 

Class started out decent enough, though my stomach was getting angry from using our core so much. It took a bit of mental focus away from what I was doing, which Mrs Alex corrected a time or two. I was glad, too, because I had forgotten to think about it, and I need to be thinking about it. (Turn out and keeping my hyperextention in check.) 

She explained transitioning between arm positions, which I’ve always wondered about. She explained it in such a way that was so understandable. I was grateful. I tried implementing it as much as I could, but it will take some work. 

I tried my new pointe shoes and, as predicted, they were a smidge too small. But I think they’re doable. I think I can tape my toe to curb the pain and make this pair work, then just get the next size up next time. Regardless of that, the fit was so wonderful. It was so supportive and shaped so well to my foot. And not having the super hard shank made it so much easier to balance on one flat foot without the extra thickness. I wanted to cry out of happiness. I didn’t keep them on the whole time as the pain on my toe was a bit much. But I was able to attempt an arabesque and pirouette successfully, so that was exciting. 

I was able to talk to Mrs Alex about the festival email and ask her what she thought I should do while I wait for timing to ask my boss if I can go. I hadn’t seen her in what seemed like months but really had only been a few weeks. It was so great to get to talk to her a little bit. I got so excited I’m pretty sure I rambled a lot and was talking really fast, but she is gracious 😂

It was great to be back in class, even with the pain and discomfort my body puts me through. I love ballet. I love dance. I love being around such wonderful people as the ones in today’s class. New and old. Summer classes are some of my favorites. 

I forgot to get a picture of my leotard in class (again) but I did get one in the mirror 

And I finally got a picture with Matthew! But I’ll save it for my blog post after his class next Wednesday. (Because I don’t hate him. So I’ll be there. 😉) 

All in all, this class did me good. My body, my heart, my spirit, my mind. A much-anticipated reset. 

I hope you all are doing well in your classes or recoveries. Much love to you all!