Category: dance

At the beginning of the semester, our Advanced Ballet teacher told us her vision for our recital piece. The costume is unconventional, and she wanted to complete the look with black tights and black pointe shoes.

(My apologies for the crooked, terrible quality picture.)

She told us to let her know if our parents weren’t up for it since coloring a pair of shoes can potentially be an expense we may not be able to do. She told us how we could save the pair we were in right before they were dead to have so we could color them, or we could have on pair, dance our V’s ballet and color them before VI’s. (With a friend’s help, of course.) No one spoke up, so we were given the go ahead to color our shoes on Friday. I originally didn’t do this recital en pointe, but didn’t have time to get black flats (since I thought it would be done away with, and forgot to order some just in case) so I worked on it Monday before class to see if I could do it. There’s one part that’s a bit fast, but if I can tell myself I can do it, I think I can make it through.

I looked up different methods for coloring shoes–shoe polish, special paints, spray paint, etc–but ended up going with the original suggested method of sharpie.

 

I was a little sad, because these were the shoes I did the Swan Lake shows in, but they are my most not dead shoes, so they’re my best bet.

I jet glued two old pairs in hopes they work for V’s. Because they’re super dead. No guarantees, though. eep.

Here they are with one done. Ahhhhh 

And both. 

It took about 30 minutes per shoe. I would suggest wearing gloves, though Dawn soap helps get it off your hands. I would also suggest doing it at a table where you can sit right, as I woke up with a terribly sore neck this morning. 
 

They look really good. The color is smooth and not splotchy. 

I got the sharpie brand Pro king size, and was able to get both shoes with one marker, though I bought two in case. (And have the second with me.) this is what was suggested to me, and I believe it made a difference. Especially having the chisel size. 

It was difficult on the pleats and the elastic, but it worked. If you can dye the ribbons and elastic separately, do it. But if they’re already sewn it’s possible to make it work with sharpie. May just need a few extra coats. 

And here is a time lapse of doing the one shoe. It took 29 minutes and some seconds originally. 

(Song: Something in the Water, Brooke Fraser) (ps she and her music are incredible. So  check her out!)

Cameo by my dog, Honey, whose tail knocked the video down a bit. Haha! 

There you have it, folks 

Our first rehearsal is tonight, though it doesn’t involve all my quick changes. I’m very nervous about those. But. I’ll make it work. I have no other choice but to make it work. 

Stay tuned for updates 

The studio is closed this week since we have recital rehearsals two of the days and recital the two days after that. Matthew, one of the dancers in my class, offered to teach classes. Originally, it was only on the Wednesdays of the weeks before summer, but we were able to get Ms. Munro to agree to having class yesterday as well. It was a combined class with the adults, who usually have class Monday and Wednesday, but an hour earlier than their normal time.

There was a fairly decent turn out. Enough to where we had to pull out a center barre, even. As far I know, Matthew has never taught a class before, but you wouldn’t know that by how well he did. He’s essentially a walking ballet encyclopedia, which definitely helps. More than that he was also very considerate to the levels he was teaching to, offering different versions of the steps based on level, and giving a full explanation of the combination, paying careful attention to the students to make sure they were confident in what to do before setting us to it.

(As Abarrane pointed out, he could be a professor. Maybe we should start referring to him as Professor Brehm. Maybe not, but maybe.)

There was a new face among us last night, and by the tone in her legs I assumed she was a friend of Matthew’s from the athletic club. I had no clue she had never taken a ballet class before until she told me at the end of class. She held her own really well. There was a moment at the barre when Matthew had us balance in back attitude, and I looked over (she was by the mirrors) and he corrected her knee to straighten. As soon as she did that, she rivaled half the class. She seemed determined to attempt anything, which I found really impressive. When it got to turns from the corner, I could see in her face the same thing I felt when first faced with a pique turn. I told her to not worry about turning it, and showed her again. I ended up going with her across the floor, and from what I could see in my peripheral, she did really well. After the left side, Matthew corrected her to get the passe all the way to the knee. I told her after that I was really impressed since most dancers struggle at the concept of closing the working leg into a true fifth. She kept it underneath herself without being told. She could do well with ballet if she ever wanted to. I’m sure already being so fit helps a great deal as well. We got to talking a little about where we started and who’s who in the class. She was super impressed with the two principal dancers there, as well as the few summarized back stories I was able to fit in. (And she thought Abarrane’s sister Kara was the cutest thing in the world.) We finished off the class and Matthew came over to see her. She instructs a class he takes at the athletic club, and she was telling him how she felt being in the class. It was really neat to hear the opinion of a “non-dancer” after a ballet class. (I put that in quotes because, seriously, she held her own.) Being immersed in something you’re typically just on the outside of looking in is a completely different and special experience. I was really struck when she used the word “beautiful” to describe the class.

It’s not just about the shows. It’s not just about what the public sees. What we do every day is beautiful. It’s an extension of this art form, ourselves being the medium, worked on, perfected, and honed nearly every day. And all these endless hours translate on to the stage when the time comes. And though there are many ugly days, Being on a stage isn’t what makes dance beautiful.

It’s the dancer.

I got home from dance with these vast plans to cook dinner and jet glue my pointe shoes. After dinner was done, I walked to my parent’s house to get my dog. (Mom likes to have her during the day. It’s one of those kinds of adorable that almost makes you sick, haha.) As I was walking up to the house, I heard a meowing. Most of our cats don’t meow unless they’re hungry, during which its a chorus of different tones of cat sounds. (hi, we have 15 acres and many outside cats to help with rats and–come to find out last night–snakes. I swear we aren’t crazy cat people…yet.) My sister had heard a cat under her hood, but hadn’t been able to get it out. The thing had somehow gotten itself up near her engine and wouldn’t find its way out. She drove to work and back with it yesterday, heart breaking as she heard it meow the whole way home. I noticed it only meowed when someone was near, so I turned on the flashlight on my phone and looked to see if I could see it. (We left the hood open for two days, hoping it’d come out, but all it managed was to pop its head out every now and then.) I went inside and recruited help, getting the gloves from my sisters front seat. I could touch the little sucker, but it would get scared and run to a different part of the engine. I even ended up under the car a few times, which is where my bun decided it had had it. Mom noticed it would follow the sounds if you meowed back at it, so we tried to coax it out the top where it would pop it’s little head out. That didn’t work, so dad poked at it to try and scare it in the right direction. It ended up right near the tire so I got back under the car and meowed at it. Dad lost sight of it, but only because I was staring the kitten in the face. I kept meowing, and it literally followed my voice out of the car. Once it got onto the gravel, it freaked out and ran to the tire, where I grabbed it and held it close to me. Dad was impressed, my sister super grateful. Mom had been praying the whole time we’d be able to get it out, and we did. We were a bit afraid to just let it go outside, that it might try and climb back in, so we took it inside and put it in the cat carrier with some food and water. Hoping my friend will be able to give it a good home.

And during all that, I didn’t get one rip in my tights.

Needless to say, I didn’t get my shoes glued, so I’ll have to fit that in sometime tonight along with turning one pair black, and figuring out how to alter my costume for V’s recital dance. Also have to find tights close to my skin tone to cut up for V’s jazz. Still not sure how I’ll make these quick changes, but I guess we’ll get it figured out. Where there’s a will, right? 

We had our (well, at least my) last official ballet class last night.

(Technically there’s a VI’s ballet tonight, but I have a chiropractor appointment, so I can’t go.)

Nearly everyone was there, including a newly booted dancer. (she hurt something in her foot during Swan Lake, pushed through the shows, and now is in a boot. I think she’s still able to do recital, but am glad she’s getting it taken care of.) We did a quick barre and got to working on cleaning up recital, since it was our last day to do so. We changed one bit to make better use of our time, and specified other things. It’s the only dance I’m actually confident about. The other two I’m still a bit nervous for. (although we do have a rehearsal for one of them tomorrow.)

When the recital dance felt good and polished, Mrs Alex rolled out the TV they have in the back room and put on Coppelia from 2002 as we all worked on making headpieces for our costumes. I had never seen Mrs. Alex dance before, and also never seen Coppelia, so it was hard to focus on trying to get the headpiece done when the video was so exciting.
She was the only person I knew in it, as I wasn’t near dancing then, hardly being in middle school at the time it was recorded. I wish I had been in dance then and knew all these people, but there’s nothing that can be done about that.

I had a pretty decent base for the headpiece, but then couldn’t seem to get it to do what I saw in my head past that. At one point, it looked eerily similar to something the Pope would wear. I had a decent fourth attempt, but it just wouldn’t stay how I wanted it and I got frustrated. Before I knew it, we were out of time. I took it apart down to the base I had and was going to take it home to work on it when Ms. Munro busted out this effortlessly wonderful headpiece she just came up with out of nowhere. She gave it to me and I modified it to the specification Mrs. Alex had and, voila! Headpiece done. Ms. Munro didn’t even realize how much stress and anxiety she saved me. I’m beyond grateful.

As I was getting ready to leave, we talked about recital and when I would be there and how I can help. I realized I only have two dances to change from one ballet piece, to a completely different jazz piece, and then only two dances to go from that completely different jazz piece back to a ballet piece, but one with black tights and shoes. I don’t know how I’ll do it all in time, but I’ll figure it out. Mainly because I’ll have to. I’m going to try and jet glue my shoes to get a bit more life out of them, since ballet runs apparently snap them right where I need the strength. Hopefully the jet glue works so I can use it moving forward. Ms. Munro commented on how well Swan Lake went and how we all really looked great. I didn’t know what to say, and thank you didn’t seem sufficient. She said she was glad that some of us covers were able to get to dance it, even though it was sad for the ones whose spots we took. I told her I had talked with Lauren–the one I covered–and told her that I was really sad for her, but really glad to be able to go in for her. She said she was glad I was able to, as well. That if she couldn’t do it, at least I could. Really a best case scenario for something like this, as with some people it could cause tension. But Lauren is a super mature person and we all know it wasn’t anything we saw coming at all. And this is the point of covers. At least we were committed and the show was able to go on without great stress. We did our jobs, we did what we were cast to do.
It meant a lot to me to hear it from Ms. Munro. And we joked about how it seems I’m destined to be the cover for bird roles, but end up going in last minute. We joked about asking Julie if there is a bird role in Snow White so we can keep the tradition alive, haha!

This year has taught me a lot, and I’m grateful to be on this side of it. I’ve grown as a person, learning more about myself and people skills and overall life skills, as well as a dancer–specifically being pushed in Swan Lake in both areas, in ways I am grateful. I’m better for having been through this year.

Now we look forward to recital, and on to summer classes, which will lead us into a new school year. I haven’t decided what classes I’m going to take yet, but I’m not at the point of having to decide so I’ll wait to freak out about it until I reach that point.

I’m just going to enjoy the ride.

 

And now, enjoy some pictures from yesterday’s headpiece making party 😂

Class attendance was minimal yesterday.

Seven of us, I believe.

I didn’t really mind, though. There’s something about smaller classes that I really enjoy. Although, I feel more pressure at barre in smaller classes. I’m really good with patterns and can usually get the combination quickly. Sometimes I can really tell if people are relying on me to know if, and it can be a lot of pressure.
Not always. There are times when the class actually has people in it who know the combination (as much as we can, at least) and don’t just use other people as a crutch.

(thankfully, last night was one of those nights.)

It wasn’t full of things I was good at, but it all was things I could at least attempt. And not in the sense of what I would have felt confident attempting three months ago, but rather things that would have terrified me even three weeks ago. But I attempted them, and actually didn’t suck as much as I expected.
There were times I could have done better. Once I hit the groove in the floor exactly split so I was super thrown off. It was kind of funny. Another time I spaced out and forgot to compensate for my uneven hips in chaines. Another time I just psyched myself out of trying a double. But there were a few underlying themes.

1.) I tried.
Which is more than I can say is typical. I didn’t psych myself out before I could even attempt what was asked. I didn’t set myself up for failure. I tried, I attempted, I gave it a shot.

2.) I learned.
Which is–surprise!–what happens when you try.

I realized when I always struggle when we promenade. My shoe shifts and I can’t seem to hold my balance on the uneven shank and drop my leg way early. The simple matter of thinking of staying on the ball of the foot (like I’ve been told countless times) helped me to stay better and my shoe not to shift as much. (I think I was afraid to break my shank earlier. But I mean, Swan runs did that already.)
I also realized that I struggle in turns (to get multiples and stuff) largely due to ankle strength (or lack thereof.) A seemingly simple solution, yet why haven’t I done anything about it?

I’m resolving to work towards improving on these things, especially this summer. I have a personal trainer app I used the last place I lived that had enough floor space, and found it very beneficial. I want to start using it again (now that I have floor space again and soft rugs on them) as well as incorporating specific things like the theraband and bosu exercises.

I hesitate to even type that here, for fear of failure. But I’ll only fail if I don’t try, and putting it out here in the open cuts those odds immensely. (That and telling Annika, who will kick my butt if I don’t hold to it.)

Before it wasn’t as realistic to be able to stick to, considering I was rarely home. But now that classes are slowing down, rehearsals don’t exist, and we’re coming in to summer, it’s a more feasible expectation of myself without worrying about burning myself out.
It is all a rather overwhelming thought process. I want to be healthier and do more to achieve this, but I find myself faced with many obstacles, mainly in the food department. I get sick when I eat and we don’t really know why. Which makes me not want to eat. Except that, ya know, not eating will kill you, and I’ve gotten a bit to close to that line before.
But excuses only get you so far, even if it is logical reasoning as to why to hold back.

You’ll only get as far as your last excuse.

And I want to go farther.

(Now, back to class)

It was a really fun moment when Ms. Catherine used the song “Tiny Dancer” in a combination across the floor. I love this song, but never felt “allowed” to let it be personal to me, being that I’m not the “tiny” part in the title and chorus. There are parts of me that feel like a fraud, since I’m not what a “real” ballet dancer looks like. I get nervous going into dance stores, afraid of being judged to be a fraud when I tell people I do ballet. That if I were serious, or really any good, then I would look the part. It’s inevitable, right? That to work that hard, your body has to give way?
Except that mine doesn’t. It has changed and adapted and formed, but nothing near like what is expected. I could tell people I’m a modern or contemporary dancer and I’d be believed, but a ballet dancer is a bit of a stretch.
(and honestly, I hate being this honest, this vulnerable, because I can hear people and their opinions in my head and it makes me want to spit. But this is my life, this is my story, and this is how it is. Y’all can suck it.)

Even with my slip ups in yesterday’s class, I felt free.
I felt safe.

We went on to Jazz V’s after, where we had our last Recital Rehearsal until dress rehearsal on stage next week. People were missing, which is frustrating as this piece is interactive with each other. I struggled with the timing of one of the new parts I was given (and have only been able to run a few times) and didn’t get to do it correctly, which makes me a bit nervous. I really want to invest in this piece and give it my all, but it’s difficult considering everything.
But I still like it. I’m still very glad to be a part. And it’s not really anything we could have avoided. People not showing up and not committing and everything changing every other second has taken it’s toll on everyone. But I’m really proud of all of us that are still here. Those of us that show up and work hard to do our best. Regardless, we can hang out hats on that.

It hit me at the end of class that this was our last Jazz V’s class. That we’ll never have this again. We may take this class next year, but it won’t be with the same people, it won’t be the same experience. This one is done–it’s in the history books now.
Change is hard. And weird. And leaves room for new, but dang sometimes the old was just really great. And sometimes the in between new and old is really hard to handle.

But we must keep moving forward. Or else we get swallowed up in the quick sand of life and can never get out.

We have our last Ballet IV’s class with Mrs. Julie today. Hopefully finishing the recital piece. Sigh. This year has been a mess when it comes to attendance.

I hope to take classes in the summer, though I’m unsure of which classes and how often. And I’m unsure of what I’ll do this summer. I need to order another pair of shoes, but I need to wait until I get paid again first. And I need to see about jet gluing my last pair to hopefully get more life out of them.
If anyone wants to contribute to the Emilee-needs-shoes-but-also-has-to-pay-rent fund, just lemme know.

I need to remember to get more pictures. I fail.

I have to custom order my shoes through Capezio, requiring the hardest shank they offer to get any life out of my shoes. (They’re incredible, by the way.) I was hoping the pair I had would last me through Swan Lake, but ordered the next pair just in case. They came in the week before shows, an it’s a good thing they did. My shanks died in the middle of one of our very last rehearsals and I couldn’t make it through on them. Thankfully I had ribbons and elastic (thanks friend) and was able to sew my new shoes and break them in before our very last rehearsal and the shows. 

I think I saw this somewhere, but I can’t remember where to know who to give credit for the idea, but this is my new method for telling my shoes apart. 

Instead of just putting “L” for left and “R” for right, or just one or the other, (which some people don’t even do) I decided to put a two word sentence. 

I couldn’t tell you why I put “Love yourself” because I don’t even know why myself. I guess the fact that it starts with an L, which is on the left foot, was an appealing coincidence. Regardless, this is now how I tell which is left and which is right. 

I plan to change the statement each pair, which will not only tell me which shoe goes to which foot, but also how old the shoes are so I don’t mix them up. I’m notorious for keeping two, three, even four pairs in my dance bag (for no reason, really) and no matter how hard I try to keep them straight, there will come a moment when they’ll get mixed up and I can’t tell which shoe is new, which is old, and which left goes to which right. 

It’ll also help me remember the story that goes with each pair. 

Most importantly, it give me a mini pep talk each time I put them on. This time, it reminds me to not be so hard on myself in class, but to love myself. To love where I am and not get so worked up on where I wish I was. 

I need to put in an order for a new pair so they are to me before I need them. Thankfully, these shanks give my shoes a longer lifespan than before, which really helps. 

We have our last week of classes before recital, and have yet to finish one of the dances. Summer will be here before we know it. I’m still trying to kick this cold or whatever has been overtaking my health, and hopefully will be better tomorrow. I’ve done nothing the past few days, yet am absolutely exhausted. 

It’s so stupid. 

I think I need to be back in normal surroundings, though, which makes the fact that normal classes are ending soon really unfortunate. I think I have a bit of soul searching to do, as well, which hopefully will happen soon. So much to get done, always. 

I hope y’all are well, have a great week, and remember to love yourself. 

(Seriously, it’s important.)

Day after Swan Lake and it already feels worlds away, yet I’m still basking in it. 

I also left work early because I was so nauseous I couldn’t stand. So that was cute. I went home, laid in bed, watched the newest Grey’s Anatomy, and fell asleep. 

I had to go to dance tonight, since it was one of two recital practice classes we have left and I’ve only run it with all the choreography twice. I was glad I did. It helped solidify it a bit more. 

I went to the ballet class before also. It was great being around some of the girls again. The class was small, which was also nice. 

I remembered how Ms Munro complimented Hannah and I backstage during intermission. She said we did a great job and it really meant a lot to hear. 

I remembered the feeling of finally getting everything correct. I remembered all my friends celebrating with me. I remembered seeing the show from side stage. I remembered being on stage in Act III, watching the Princesses in front of me, realizing this was real. I was on this stage, in this production, in front of an audience, helping set the scene to make them feel things. How cool is that? 

Class went really well, I think. I was a hot mess in some things, but surprised myself with others. Ms Catherine also made a comment about pique turns that clicked and I was able to do them in the quick tempo required. It was nice. (Still a hot mess, but, ya know, little victories.) 

We got our costumes in Jazz 5, except, ya know, mine wasn’t there. No one really knows why, and our teacher was livid and frantically searching all the boxes, determined to figure out why it wasn’t there. I was actually pretty calm about it, though it was odd. There was a costume for a girl not in our piece that is my size, so they told me to go ahead and take that one. It’s a size smaller than I usually get, which is good for everything except for the torso. It’s not all that bad except it’s a little funny in the arm pits. But it’s really not that bad. I’m just glad to have a costume. How sad would that be? 

We ran the piece in costume, which was really cool. I feel like once I’m confident in what I’m doing it’ll feel really good. I’m still excited for this piece, and I’m really grateful to be a part of it. 

I’m pretty exhausted. And really wish I could have a few more days of nothing. But that’s okay. I’m grateful to have had the afternoon to rest and to have my weekends again. Sleeping on Saturday will be nice. 

My friend sent me a picture I forgot I took on her phone this weekend. 

It reminded me of those moments that you take in but rarely get to capture. Where the lights shine on to the darkness of the side stage, eager dancers watching and waiting for their turn. Taking in the fullness of the production. 

It’s a beauty all its own. 

One of the girls in the company, Alexis, her mom was backstage taking pictures and she captured some really great side stage moments. All her pictures were great, really, but I was particularly fond of the side stage shots she got. It’s those moments that you really remember. Because it’s you in your truest form. On stage, you’re someone else. Side stage, you’re still yourself. 

It seems quite a few of the cast members ended up sick today. One even has a pretty gnarly fever. I’m hoping we all kick this, especially since we have recital to think about now. 

On that note, I’m off to try and sleep. Tomorrow is a full day. 

“Can you quote me on your blog saying, ‘It was literally negative two degrees today in the theater.'”–Abaranne Henderson

I think near about everyone would agree with me when I say that today’s warm up got off to a slow and sluggish start. I was actually almost late to warm up because it just didn’t feel like it could possibly already be time to leave my house yet. (that, and I thought it started 30 minutes later than it did. Good thing I’m always early!)

We got there and got going and it all started to sink in that this was the last day of Swan Lake. This was my last time doing this show with these people. Some big ones will be gone next year, and it’s weird to imagine it without them. Anything could happen, and people we expect to be here next year might not be. I’ve felt this feeling before, and it really just reminds me that tomorrow is never promised. We have to dance today like it’s our last.

I stood there at the barre, looked around at these people, and realized how we truly are a family. It may be dysfunctional at times, but we wouldn’t be able to do a show without each other. Each member is important. These people would drop anything to help the other, even if we may not be super close. It was really cool to see dancers bond with other dancers simply on the basis of we were in this together. We need each other. We have to rely on each other. And when we do, beautiful things happen. Beautiful shows are produced.

Good shows are ones you almost have to grieve when they’re over. And this one was a tough one; physically, mentally, emotionally. But it made us all stronger, better people. I wouldn’t trade a bit of this experience for anything.

Anyway.

Warm up went well. My Dad text me saying they were there early (beat the traffic!) so when I knew they were inside, I snuck out to see them. It meant so much having my family there to support me. They had to hear all the stories from rehearsals, the struggles, the questioning, the concerns, the triumphs, the hopes, the fears. And here they were, happy to see me dance.

I went back to the end of warm up, but couldn’t do much of it since it was jumping. (wanted to save my knees.) After receiving one of the best gifts ever, I went back upstairs to finish getting ready. We received really sweet swan cookies, and laughed in the dressing room. It was fun.

I made a Nutcracker book of polaroids after a really amazing gift from Mrs. Alex in our office secret Santa, and decided to do the same for Swan Lake, so I got ready and went downstairs to see what I could get pictures of that were specific to the show. I’m not gonna lie, they’re pretty great. It makes my heart so happy. There’s something about polaroids–you get one shot, and it really makes you think about what you use it on. It tends to be spur of the moment and not over thought and the things that really matter. The things you really hold dear to your heart. It makes me so happy.

The show started and Act I began. My friend and fellow Hunts Woman Lillian and I stood by each other, which was so much fun. She makes me so happy and we really hammed it up, almost unintentionally. We were just having such a great time, it was convenient that our characters were the ones that tended to be a little heavy on the alcohol.

It went near flawlessly, and the little slip ups were covered so well. There was a moment when one of the Friends’ necklaces fell off. We all saw it untie and start to slowly slip as she did her solo in the middle of the stage. Thankfully, it held on until she was near some villagers, one in particular that was sitting on the ground and very observant. She grabbed it like it was nothing out of the ordinary, put it behind her, and another villager (Polaca? I think they were Polaca) grabbed it and got it to the Friend who put it back on before her next part.You wouldn’t even know it happened if you didn’t know to look for it.

We finished up and went into Quick Change, where everyone was really feeling the fact that this was the last time. It was the last time I would wear that costume, which I absolutely loved. I was going into my last time as a Swan. This was it. I made it. I did it. Everything I worked so hard for was about to be over.

We all got ready and got side stage. We pumped each other up and went over certain parts and got in line and went for it. Let me tell you, that first entrance onto stage is a feeling I’ll never forget. I may not have gotten to do bows, but I got that entrance, and it was everything. Absolutely everything.

I knew I had a few problem areas that I always seemed to struggle with. The first being in that part Lauren does that I hadn’t done since the first few rehearsals. Ileana went over it with me and I finally got it today. Going from there, I went into the right placement after the pose, not getting mixed up on who I was doing and awkwardly running across the stage like in rehearsal. I had the correct foot, I remembered to switch my arms *most* of the time. Going into the finale, I started preparing myself for it. I went over the steps in my head and pumped myself up.

“You got this. You can do it. How do you know that? You’ve done it before.” and I remembered a conversation I had with a friend this morning about how your words have power. “You’re not gonna mess up. You’re gonna get this right. You know what to do. You can do this. You can do all things. Through Christ. He strengthens you. Even in something like Swan Lake. And I could use strength right now in every literal sense. Who says you can’t do this? Decide you can, and you can.”

And I did.

I did it. I did the finale, I had the timing, I didn’t mess up.
I did it.

There was a point in the very last part of it before we pose again that I semi-rolled my ankle, but I didn’t mess up like I usually do. I did it en pointe. I was lifted. I did the correct leg. And the near-roll wasn’t until the second to last one, so people were in front of me which made it less noticeable.  I could hardly contain my excitement. On the day it mattered most, I did it. God helped me, and I did it.

Sometimes you can really hold yourself back by doubting yourself. What do you have to lose? Try it and surprise yourself.

(There was a point during these chugs we do that I got caught on a passing swan. It was pretty funny to me. Anyway.)

We finished with the runs, which I also pumped myself up for, and feel I did decently. I ran off stage, following my fellow swans, and completely exploded in excitement when we got there. I was so excited. I was sad it was over, but so elated that this even happened.

This was real life.
I danced in Swan Lake.
I was a Swan in Swan Lake.
I danced the role of Swan in Swan Lake without screwing up.

We all got group pictures together during intermission, then I went upstairs to change for Act III. When I got back down stairs, we got group pictures as Court Ladies, and I got more polaroids from the second part of show, including the Black Swan tutu.

Act III went really well. Mia killed her part, as did Michael–our Prince–and everyone seemed to just really be on point tonight. (also, shout out to cygnets. You guys did so incredible it took everything in me not to cheer from stage.)

From there, I helped the girls in quick change get back into swan for Act IV, then went back upstairs to change into Swan so I could see my parents in my tutu.

I caught the end of Act IV from side stage, and really tried to take it all in. It was perfect. This show is magic, I swear.

I got to see my family afterwards. They got me flowers and bought me a shirt and program. Dad said he would have taken out the swan with the cross bow if it were him. Hehehe, I love him. I was so glad to have them there today.

I also got to see my friend Bailey, and my sweet Ayla and her friends for her birthday. (Her birthday is actually tomorrow. She’ll be 8!)

Afterwards I had dinner with my dear friend, Annika, and went to see a movie with the true MVP, Maddie.

Overall, it was such a success.

And it’s funny. Because before cast list came out, I dreamt I was made a swan cover. Before I even knew Swans would have covers. But then after it came out, I dreamt I was made a Swan.

Both happened. And even though I didn’t understand while it was happening, I think everything happened exactly how it needed to. I was able to learn and to grow. I better understand myself and have learned so much about myself. I’ve learned how to be a better person. I’ve learned a greater level of respect. I’ve deepened friendships and seen true colors, which does my heart well. True kindness came out this show. And it’s a beautiful thing.

Here are a few of the little details I’m going to miss about the show.

• The way you could hear everyone’s pointe shoes hit the ground at the same time, completely in unison.
• Hearing the person next to you breathing just as hard as you were. This isn’t a movie. It’s not just a story. These aren’t robots. We are each people, humans in our own right, coming together to pursue this mutual thing we love.
• Whispering bits of encouragement to each other on stage.
• Walking backstage, from stage right to stage left, in costume, behind my friend, realizing this is real life and not just a dream.
• Standing in line on stage in that swan costume, sandwiched between two of my dear friends, realizing this was really happening. I was really doing this. This was reality.
• Everyone pulling together to help each other during quick changes.
• Lucy coming over to me before we did Act II first show and telling me, “You did it. You’re a Swan. You deserve this so much and have worked so hard. This is your time to shine.” (what? No, these aren’t tears in my eyes)
• Mari and Adrienne texting me encouragement
• The feeling you get being under the stage lights
• Reactionary commentary during Act I and Act III.
• “Mom? QUEEN?!”
• Laughing with the little villagers
• Seeing your friends watch you from side stage.
• The way the lights shine on the faces of the crowd
• Warm ups
• Pushing myself harder than I ever have before, working harder than I ever have before, and accomplishing more than I ever have before.
• Standing there in that line in that swan costume thinking, “I thought “How will I ever be able to do that?” and here I am, doing it.”
• Friends whispering bits of help to me when I struggled to get different parts right.
• Hearing the comments from people on what they thought of the show
• Random strangers congratulating me 
• Signing programs 🙂 
• My friends genuine excitement and support of me. I’ll never get over that. Thank you all so much. Seriously. Each and every one of you mean the world to me.
• Realizing what an honor it has been to do this show.

And now, here’s some pictures from today.

 

 

I find it ironic that the song low key in my head this last week just started playing when I started writing this. 

(Seven Swans, Sufjan Stevens)

Anyway. 

Last night was our first show of Swan Lake! 

I ended up getting there super early, but he door was already open, so it was really convenient. Usually we have a bit of time after warm up to finish make up and stuff, but Ms Munro wanted to run Act II for those of us who were newly into the role. We greatly appreciated it, let me tell you. 

Since I was there early, I was able to get my hair and stage make up done easily. There are six of us assigned to the one dressing room I’m in, which could maybe comfortably fit three or four, so being able to really have time to breathe, spread out, and not rush was really nice. 

One of our teachers, Brian, did our warm up. I really love when he does them because he gives us things simple on the brain but that are very effective. He’s also really funny in the theatre surrounding, and for some reason I tend to do my best turns at the theatre. It was his last time leading warm up with us as he’s moving, so that was really sad. He always uses fun, new music, and this time he threw in a little Prince as well. 

There was a man with a video camera filming parts of our warm up. No one seems to know who he was, though. At first we thought maybe from one of the news crews but we didn’t seem to see anything from them. There was a point when I was finishing turns and he had that thing pointed right at me, Ms Munro smiling behind him. Talk about nervous. 

We finished and ran swans and then went to get ready. 

I had gotten a text from my co worker saying that she and my boss were coming to see me! I don’t know what I did to work at a place so wonderful, but I greatly appreciate them. I was so excited! They’ve been so supportive this entire journey, even though they’ve had a family member in the hospital. 

I also had a friend from my old studio I used to take classes with who came with her mom and sister. (We got our pointe shoes at the same time 😊) Her other sister is in Act I with me, and I love her so dearly. 

There were two of my fellow adult dancers there last night as well, from my old studio. Two of my biggest supporters and biggest fans. 

Also my co worker from my old job came down from Houston to see me. I hadn’t seen her since about October and she was the first to buy a ticket from me. 😊

There were also my friends from the other ballet company in town, Corpus Christi Concert Ballet, who were in the audience, my dear Frances and Clara. I met them in September at the dance festival my old teacher helps put on at our local university, Bailando Dance Festival. 

Plus my friend from a local young adults ministry, whom just recently got back into dance herself! I’m really proud of her and she came to see the show as well! 

It didn’t feel like a show day. It felt like just another rehearsal.

I realized I hardly had any pictures with my friends, so I had to change that. Here are a few before curtain with some people I love 😊 I still need to get more. Hopefully that happens today! 

When the overture started playing and Rothbart and the Swan Queen were in place, it started feeling real. The lights came down, the scrim went up, and we all got into place. Lights came up, and it was a go! 

We had a blast. Hunts Woman is a really fun and light hearted role, mixed with the great costumes and incredible hats, the whole thing was fabulous. I really like my costume, too. It makes me feel like I’m being someone I would never really get to be in life due to just time. It’s one of my favorite things about theatre–you live a thousand lives. 

Act I ended and we rushed to quick change for Act II swans. This is when I really felt the nerves. Backstage, we all pumped each other up and encouraged each other. I told myself that I was gonna do great. That I was going to remember every step and placement and was going to run correctly and wasn’t going to flinch and it was going to be great. 

The music started, and the swans started running on. This is my favorite part of the whole show–you can fee the unison with all of us and it’s just an incredible sight and feeling. To be part. To get to do this. I can’t describe it. 

There were bits I messed up, but overall I feel I did well. I remembered the parts I usually mess up and didn’t feel like I had any spaced out moments. So that was nice. The finale was a little rough for me, but I’ll do better today. 

I told my friend Abaranne how I would rearrange the letters in the Exit sign to form new words to help keep my mind off my calves burning and keep me from flinching. She told me she was going to give me an epic word to use. So she gave me xylophone, which I first had to figure out how to spell, haha! But during the one part that really hurts, I made a good 10-15 words, so it was beneficial. She’s giving me a new word today. Hehe 

I feel like Adrienne did her best she’s done with the duet part she was given this week. I was very proud of her. I am at a good place to get to see most of it while still keeping my head in the correct position.  

Act II ended, and we went into intermission. I asked Mrs Jane if it’s okay if I put my swan costume back on after to go out and greet everyone, and she said she didn’t see why not. I don’t have a head piece, as I share with Hannah, but that’s okay! 

Act III is fun, especially since I get to wear a big, pretty dress. Once again, living a life I’ve always wanted to live, if even just for a moment. It’s like I’m fulfilling these little childhood dreams I never thought I’d be able to fulfill. It’s so much fun!

After Act III, I helped get the girls in one of the quick change rooms out of their costumes and into swans, just in the nick of time, then I headed upstairs to change back into swan. In the stillness and quiet of the dressing room, with only the Act IV music playing from the stage, it was a moment hard to describe. Like something out of a movie. 

Life may be hard. It may really suck sometimes and hurt a lot. But, moments like that. They make it worth it. They make it incredible. 

At one point in the dressing room before one of the Acts, the girls made a comment on how doing this show is such a once in a lifetime thing. And they’re right. Some dancers never get to do Swan Lake, and here we are, doing it. Here we are, as Swans. 

We are living the dream. 

I went backstage to watch the last bit of Act IV and it looked so good. 

And just like that, the ballet is over. 

It’s funny that people think it is long, because being in it, it feels so short. 

We all went out to meet people, where I got to see all my friends. 

Here’s Sarah an Liz, my fellow adult dancers who are two of my biggest supporters. I love them so much. They are there for every up and down all along the way. 

Here’s Frances and Clara, my sweet girls from Concert Ballet. They were both Clara in the Nutcracker this year and did a wonderful job! It’s so much fun to have friends who also dance and are so excited for you. It fills your heart with such joy that is difficult to describe. 

Here are my sweet Roberts girls. Hanna and I were in class together and got our pointe shoes together and now she’s in college and I miss her loads! Her sister, Clara, was a top notch tapper and has recently gotten into soccer and is super great at it! I love them so much. They saw me and we freaked out and Hanna told me how proud she was of me. And like, I knew she meant it. She’s been there the whole time (same with Sarah and Liz) and seen the struggles and knew me at the very beginning of this journey. Their mom was also there, and near about cried and hugged me so tightly. I love this family. So so much. They’ve been nothing but supportive. It really means the world. 

Here is my sweet Aimee. We used to work for the same company, which forms a bond no one can ever break or try to compare to. It means so much to me to have her in my life. 

Here’s my dear Ileana. She and I have been in the same class since I started at Munro, and has been so supportive of me and super helpful this week. She even had a dream I became a swan, and look! I’m a swan! 

Here I am with Ileana and Annika! Swan friends!! 

This adorable couple found out about our show from the news cast Ms Munro did on our local tv station. They had everyone they could find sign the program, which is really really cool. They were super supportive and adorable. 

Here’s my friend Mariah! She got back into dance this last year and I’m super proud of her! It’s so cool to hear how she perceives everything and remember where I started. She’s going to be in a dance production this Wednesday and I’m so excited for her! 

Here I am with my friend Elizabeth. She has been so supportive and kind to me since the day I met her, especially throughout Swan Lake. I’m really proud of her and all her hard work as Odette. She’s so talented and works so hard. 

I hope to get more pictures with my friends tonight. They mean the world to me. And I’ll post a blog hopefully tonight about today’s show and also the little things I never want to forget about this show. 

It’s been a whirlwind, but I’m really going to miss this show. 

We had our last full dress rehearsal last night. 

After the school show, I took my friend Lillian home, called my family and told them about becoming a swan, and picked up my friend Annika to get lunch and do some running around. We came back to her house to just hang out with the rest of the time we had. I fell asleep, which almost never happens during the day, and woke up a bit confused and nauseous. (Which is why I don’t typically sleep during the day.) 

We get to rehearsal and my dressing room is locked. I go in with the swans until they get it unlocked and realized I couldn’t find my flat shoes. I thought I had put them in my bag, but they weren’t there, so I assumed they were in the dressing room. It wasn’t unlocked before warm up, so I went down with only one shoe on. Mrs Alex noticed and asked and I just said, “well, you see” and she laughed, knowing it was a story. 

After warm up, the dressing room was unlocked and my shoes weren’t there. Thankfully I don’t need them for the show, so I just kept going and figured I’d worry about it later. 

I put on my make up and sprayed my hair and got everything ready for the quick change them got my costume on for Act I. I set my hat on top of the shelf in the hallway where my costume was and realized something else was up there–my shoes. Mystery solved! I swear I keep losing parts of my brain, seeing as I completely forgot my pointe shoes in the green room the night before and didn’t even think that they may be missing until I was driving over the next day. Thankfully, they were there and I apologized to Mrs Jane. Then laughed to myself at how spacey I can be sometimes. 

At warm up, we found out one of the other swans had to drop due to injury, so another ugly duckling became a swan. 

I was really proud of the remains covers. They have had a really great attitude, when it could be so easy to become bitter. One in particular who had been the cover for the part that came open to needing someone and didn’t get picked. I knew it’d be a tough blow for her and my mheart went out to her and I was curious to see how she’d react, on guard with words of encouragement and empathy should they be needed. 

When it came time for quick change, I ran into the green room towards where my costume was set out and immediately feel hands starting to undo my costume for me. I had no idea who it was as Mrs Jane was on the other side of the room. It was the very girl who wasn’t picked to be the cover for the swan, among all the swans, doing what she could to help us get on stage for the role she worked for and didn’t get to do. 

Her level of maturity impressed me substantially. She got out ten swans in time for the second Act single handedly, was on guard with pins and anything else we’d need, and even after Act II, was willing to help with anything needed. 

And that, ladies and gentleman, is how to be a cover. You work hard, even though you might not get it. And when people get the part and you don’t, obviously being a bit disappointing a second time around, you do your best to help where you can and are needed. You do the parts you are cast for with a great attitude and with professionalism. 

I am so proud. Proud isn’t even an adequate enough word. 

We did the show and got corrections. After warm up today, we’re gonna run Act II to help us two that are in new places, which I’m grateful for. There’s still a few parts that I’m a little rusty on, but the girls have been so helpful to me. 

I noticed yesterday that the more I do the part, the easier all the standing gets. It still hurts like crazy, but way less than the beginning of the week. I hardly needed to use my distraction techniques. 

My left shoe seems to be giving me trouble. It seems that the shank sways, which I’ve been told will always happen and I just have to learn to deal with, twisting my foot awkwardly into the shoe and making things a bit more difficult. I’m hoping to get to road trip up to Austin sometime back to the Capezio store I order my shoes through and see what they think. I’m not sure if there’s a way to get that shoe a little smaller or what use need to do. It’s on my shorter let and my smaller foot, but I don’t know if it’s small enough to warrant a half size down or if it’d make things worse. Regardless, I’m grateful this part is feeing better, especially since the first show is tonight. 

I’m also incredibly grateful for all the other dancers who have been so kind and helpful to me throughout this show. It’s been a pretty emotional time, and stressful at points, but honestly, it’s made me a better person. I’ve learned and I’ve grown and I’ve improved, even if I still feel a bit behind. I have to take into consideration the fact that I’m just now doing one set part, and if I had done one consistently, I more than likely wouldn’t be struggling so much at this point in the game. But even so, parts I’ve messed up have been improved. I know I still have more to improve and only the spontaneous rehearsal to fix them all before the show, but I’m gonna do my best to use it and get that much better. 

I need to take more pictures. Fail me. 

(The top is from the meet and greet, compliments of the dance moms)

Yesterday we ran the full show in costume straight through. 

I did Act I, then quick changed into Swan for Act II for Lauren’s part. After Act II I took my Hunts Woman costume upstairs. Ms Munro came upstairs and told me to have Hannah do Act IV swan. She had ran it more and it would work well. I agreed and asked her if my runs were any better. She said a little, and showed me how to do them and broke it down a little more for me. My friend Andie was in the audience and was able to tell me what the diff rbetween do was in me compared to everyone else that made me stick out in a bad way. So that helped too. 

I had actually asked one of the other girls if I should ask Ms Munro if Hannah should do Act IV since she had run it so much and her ballet runs are so much better than mine so she would look better overall. This way, I didn’t have to, haha, so that was nice. I’m glad it worked out that way. 
When I took the tape off my feet, it was a little more painful on the right one. I realized when I got home that a blister had formed right where the tape ends, half under and half not, so when I took the tape off it popped it. So that’s cute. 

I got to the theatre this morning and Mrs Alex saw me and asked me how I was feeling. I told her I felt great. I had slept and my feet were good and I was good. She said, “I think we’re gonna keep it how it’s been. It worked really nicely that way.” I asked to make sure Hannah was doing school show and she said yes, and I said great and we went on our way. It was casual. Yet so profound. 

I was excited. It means I can use more energy in Act II since I won’t need to conserve it for anything else. It means I am an Ugly Duckling that became a Swan. It means I get to be a Swan for sure. It means I get to feel what it feels like to work hard for something and get to see it to fruition. It means so much. 

And I’m so glad it’s not just me. That another cover also gets to feel this. Gets to also be a swan. Gets to wear the costume and feel the feelings and wear the headpiece and everything. I wish it could be all of us, but at least it’s more than just one. 

Honestly, being in rehearsals really makes me feel what a privilege this is. How quick it can all be gone. How everything can change in an instance. How none of this was guaranteed to happen. 

And I agree that splitting the two Acts between two people is better. It looks so much cleaner. It’s so good. This is good. I feel way less pressure which is nice. 

I called my sister and told her to get tickets. I called my mom and told her. Then I called my dad to see if he wanted to come. He said, “Thats great! When is it?” And I told him and he said, “I definitely want to go! Looking forward to it!” 

I almost cried. It means so much to me. 

School show was fun, the kids are always so great. They marvel at you and hug you and take pictures with you and give high fives and think you’re the greatest thing in the world no matter what role you are. The diplomacy of everything goes away. It’s stripped down solely to the purity of why we all got into this in the first place. 

One of the girls from the studio came up to me and hugged me. She was a monkey last year in our scene and this year she’s in the first Act. It made me so happy. Another one of the first Act girls took a picture with us. I said, “hey, I know you! I see you all during first Act!” Cause she’s in front of me before I go on. It was sweet. 

We have rehearsal tonight. I’m excited. I hope my foot feels better but I think I can push through regardless. I kinda forget about it once I get going. So that’s good. 

I decided in the stands when my legs are dying, to distract myself I’ll treat it like conjuring a patronus in Harry Potter. You have to think of your happiest memory, focus on it hard, to make the patronus charm work. So I focus on every detail of my happiest memory to keep from fidgeting.

It works 🙂 

   
    
 
A couple side stage Act IV shots 😍😍