Author: Emilee

I really was terrible about blogging more than just a long, drawn out roundup at the end of each week. This makes me kind of sad, but at the same time I feel most of what I would say would be redundant.

I am glad to think back on my blog posts from my first Nutcracker and know they are more detailed and more frequent. It was a new world and I experienced it for the first time full of wonder. But now I’m a seasoned veteran, or whatever, and some of the details have become routine. (Though I still find myself staring up at the vast ceiling backstage, and getting chills looking into the audience.)

Hopefully I’m not too redundant in this post, the two weekends have already begun to blend and I can’t seem to remember what I’ve actually written and what I’ve merely thought of writing. If I repeat, my apologies.

We didn’t have rehearsal last week until Friday. Our Cavalier came in that week and worked in the mornings with our Sugar Plums, but the majority of us didn’t have to come in until the weekend. He’s incredible, too. Everyone was super impressed.

Our company is in Corpus Christi, which if you keep up with the news (and it’s been reported all over, including viral facebook videos) you’ll know we’ve been the latest city to have struggles with contaminated water. There was a chemical that is used in asphalt leaked into the water system, so we managed to have a full water ban for four days, leading up into the weekend. It posed quite the problem. Grocery stores sold out of water clear up to an hour’s drive away in all directions, with other cities and even states (shout out to Tennessee, who sent us water, even though they were the victims of insane wild fires) shipping water to help us out. I live outside the city, so thankfully I could shower and wash laundry and dishes and cook and anything else, but I was one of the few. Most of the few of us opened our homes to other dancers and friends to use our water until it got figured out. One of the dancers had to go to Houston for a dr appointment, left early because of the ban, and came back with cases and cases of water for the cast. Bless.

We managed to keep most sickness at bay, though a few dancers got hit hard on rehearsal days. They managed to make it through the shows, though, which was super impressive. One of the guys even made a daily ritual of handing out vitamin C cough drops during barre warm up. Take no risks.

I tried my best to be rested and hydrated so I could be at my top for this weekend, specifically for Saturday’s run of Snow. I flubbed a bit up in rehearsal Friday which made me so mad, so I ran over it a bunch before show. And, of course, I managed to still mess up anyway, although it wasn’t the part I was messing up. It was the part before. And it wasn’t a huuuuge mess up, but still I was pretty disappointed in myself. Especially because I know I can do it. I was frustrated because I don’t know what I was doing to keep causing me to mess up. I usually don’t have this problem. Like in Flowers, I have no problem there. I messed up a few things at the beginning, got corrected, fixed it. Bam. Why was Snow so different?
Ugh.

I also managed to actually fully kill my pointe shoes for the first time ever. I usually merely kill the shank before they become useless to me, but this time I actually softened the box! I was so proud, and nervous at the same time, as it happened in the middle of all the bourrees of Flowers on Saturday, and I still had one more show on Sunday to squeeze out of them.

My whole body was in pain like I’ve never felt before by the end of the night. I don’t know what I did more that day that I don’t usually do to cause it, but dang. I know I still hadn’t caught up from all the lost sleep the week before, but seriously, it was ridiculous. I slept so hard that I woke up with this intense knot in my shoulder. I wore out four friends trying to rub it out before the show. Mrs. Julie, who is directing our spring show, did our warm up yesterday. I loved it, and not just because she played the greatest Christmas song ever to be written. (“Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays” by N*SYNC, of course) but because she does combinations that are simple, but warm us up quickly and effectively. I was grateful to only be Lilac, it made me feel way less pressure. Plus, Lilac is my favorite role I’ve ever danced. I knew I could just enjoy it.

I got pictures of the Clara’s this weekend as well, and helped with the Rat Queen’s props, which made me feel really good. I appreciate getting to be able to help.

Backstage shenanigans are my favorite. Just being surrounded by dancing and dancers, in incredible costumes with pointe shoes (or, more often, super fluffy socks) on my feet. The lights and the sounds of it all. The pointe shoe army on the stairs, the ominous smell of hairspray every where you go, every detail that comes along with it. This year, i was even dubbed the barre master. (Because i often helped get them out and apparently it was evident that I had theatre training cause I knew what I was doing. Hahaha)

My parents came to watch me this year, as well as some dear and cherished friends. One of my friends I’ve known since we were toddlers. She recently moved back home when the Marines transferred her husband back here, which is unheard of, but I’m not complaining! She’s been gone most of the time I’ve been dancing, and was able to see me dance for the first time. It’s so cool having friends like her and others who support me in the things I love.

Our cast party got cancelled, due to the water ban, but a few of us went out to dinner after the last show, which was tons of fun.

It’s fun to hear what people who aren’t in ballet think of everything. My friend who came Sunday was telling me he even noticed how our Cavalier would spot the four corners as he turned and how impressive it was. It’s also fun to hear all the different people’s favorites and how much they vary. It really makes you feel like you’re part of something big and that you’re important. I love it.

I also had kids take pictures with me, a few even asked for autographs. And I’m not really anything big and impressive, (though my costume is LEGIT) but sometimes you can forget that to the audience, that doesn’t matter. You’re on that stage. You’re in the shoes. You’re living the dream others are only dreaming. You got out there, put the work in, and are now reaping the rewards.

May we never forget what first got us to take that leap into pursuing the things we love. May we never forget why we do what we do.
May we never forget the privilege this is.
May we never forget the wonderful memories being made here, while we have them to make.

Seasons come and go, things change year after year, and now we’re staring down the barrel of the beginning of a new year entirely, further proving that. Who knows what 2017 will hold; who knew 2016 would hold what it did? We can only move confidently in the direction of where our hearts lead us and take things as they come, knowing each new day becomes part of the bigger stories of our lives.

Make it one worth reading.

And now, some pictures!

Wednesday class ❤

New skirt from FlicFlacDance on Etsy! I’ll link it here once I get a chance. Stay tuned.

My babies

Extreme stretching

Ileana; Clara Saturday night ❤

My cousins on the left and parents on the right ❤

Catherine; Clara Sunday night ❤

SO many graduating seniors this year

Our wonderful door guard lady!

I really wanted to do a night-by-night post of Nutcracker this year, but that really didn’t happen.

It’s probably a good things, as it may have been redundant and/or boring, so I am instead doing an overall synopsis filled with top memories and stories.

(This could be a long one, brace yourselves.)

We made it through the rehearsals on Wednesday and Thursday, and I was able to go to the school shows on Friday. (!!!) I was only in finale since the school show is shorter and doesn’t have Snow or Waltz of the Flowers, but I really wanted to be there anyway. It’s so much fun, and seeing the kids afterwards is one of my favorite things. It reminds you of why you do it. You remember what it was like to be the kid watching the older dancers on stage and wanting nothing more than to be like them. Reality can cause those dreams to lose their luster if you let them, but if you remind yourself of where you came from and what you were fighting for, the sparks of magic make their way back to you.

I took pictures with kids and let them feel my shoes and asked them what they thought. I saw my cousin, Lauren, who was there with her school and a few of the girls from the studio, which made me happy. Seeing the magic and wonder in their eyes touched something deeper inside of me. It’s hard to explain. Kids have a magic all their own–the trick is to find the ways to hold on to bits of it as you age.

We had a couple hours off before we came back for rehearsals for the weekend’s shows. I went over to a friend’s house to hang out since I live so far away. The closer we got to rehearsal time, the sicker I began to feel and by the time we got to the theater, it was so bad I actually said something to our assistant director. I didn’t want to sit out and I didn’t want to put flat shoes on–I wanted to run snow in shoes and costume on stage so I would have more of a sound mind going into it Sunday. I couldn’t make it through barre. I was too nauseated to do as much as cambre forward, which was pathetic and frustrating.

It reminded me of that rehearsal where I almost passed out during snow and found myself completely spacing out. I was hoping it would be the same as then where endurance found the feeling to lift. Thankfully, by the time Snow came around, I was feeling well enough to dance. I warmed up my ankles best I could and went over the part backstage by myself. This really helped me to have clarity of mind on what comes next so I could be confident in what I was doing. A few of the girls joined in and we were able to help each other remember details of parts we were unsure of.

We did the run through without the fake “snow” and all went well. I was able to do the parts I struggled with pretty decently, which made me feel way better going into the weekend. Our director even noticed and complimented me on it later that evening. That made me absolutely glow. Like all my hard work was worth it and everything would work out just fine. We ran the other cast of Snow, then carried on to second act where I was Lilac. Everything went well and I was sufficiently exhausted.

Nutcracker is the season of sleepovers for us, and in being such I managed to get 5 hours of sleep at best the last three nights straight. Needless to say, I was worn out.

Saturday, I had my babies to teach since this past week was the last week before we close for break. The girl who teaches the class before mine asked if I could cover it, meaning I had to be up an hour earlier, but I did so. Good thing, too, cause no one showed up for her class, and she also lives out of town, so she would have had to drive all that way for nothing. The teacher in the other studio said we could have combined classes, but it’s all good. I got to talk to some of the Mom’s of a few of the dancers I love. One asked me what classes I teach. Her daughter was in a class I subbed last week and apparently she absolutely loved me. It made me feel really good. I was so happy to have my babies in my classes, and even got my very first teacher gift! And it was from the dancer that truly makes me love teaching. I don’t think they’ll know how much that meant to me. I wish I could adequately express it.

After my classes, I taught a private to one of the dancers in our adult class. Mark my word, this girl is going places. She’s a force to be reckoned with and has improved so much in so little time.

We had warm up for our first full show at 6:15. I was able to do the whole thing, which made ma happy. We had really fun combinations across the floor that made me feel good, and for some reason I always seem to be my best during these times. Maybe it’s the pressure, maybe it’s the giddy feeling of doing shows–who knows. I ain’t complaining, haha!

The show went really well. Although I heard of a few people slipping, I didn’t actually see any of it happen. I was only Lilac that night, so I had it easy. Everything felt really good, and I hope it looked good. I was able to have my friend Hannah help me with a few details and timing and we worked really hard to pull it all together. Honestly, without her I’d be a hot mess! So much of who I am is due to help from other people, even as a dancer. I wouldn’t know snow without Hannah, Katerina, and Adrienne. I wouldn’t be able to do the snow circle without Emily. I’m nothing without my teachers who help me every week. I have the moral support of countless friends, some that aren’t even local. They make me a better person.

A couple of my friends from my old studio came to see the show. They’re literally my biggest fans. They make time to come see me every show and I don’t think I could ever thank them enough.

I also got asked for my autograph! That was fun. These adorable girls were so excited and I took tons of pictures with people. Even being “just a lilac,” I was there living my dreams, and showing people that their dreams are possible. (Lilac has been my goal role. Mission Accomplished.) A little girl I used to teach who’s from my church was there as well and she was so excited afterwards. It completely made my day. She’s three and she remembered me and wouldn’t stop talking about how she saw me on the stage and all about the Nutcracker. I had to mop my melted heart off the floor.

Sunday was my first show as Snow. Warm up started off promising, but as it carried on I began to feel a decline in my health. I tried to keep my mind clear of worries as I wanted to just fall apart from the overwhelming pressure of everything I was feeling. I couldn’t afford to fall apart. I was Snow. This is what I had worked for. It was now or never.

I did what I did during rehearsal, and went over it all before hand. I cleared my mind, and kept my incredible fluffy socks from my secret santa on until the Pas before us so my achilles wouldn’t hurt as badly. (Bless whoever my secret santa is.)

Snow began with the lead doing their little bits. There’s six of them, and as soon as the third did her part across the stage, a HUGE pile of snow just fell in the front corner of the stage, much like a video that’s making it’s rounds where it fell on top of the dancer as soon as she walked out. Thankfully, our dancer had just crossed, but you could still see the terror on the faces of the snowflakes as we knew the whole scene would be danced in the stuff. The Clara that night had a great time of it, and it made for some incredible pictures. We went on and did our best to keep morale high. A group of the new snow’s were praying multiple times before we went on that we’d all stay upright. I love them.

I kept my mind focused, and realized the snow was just forward of where I do the snow circle step, so I felt a huge relief in that I wasn’t doing pique turns right in the stuff. I did the circle, got down correctly, was so happy, then realized I couldn’t get up. My body wouldn’t let me. It was as though my muscles refused to have anything to do with it. I got up anyway, a tiny bit later than everyone else, but not horrifyingly noticeable, although it was noticeable. When I exited, our director asked if I was okay. This made me feel really good as I could tell she knew it wasn’t intentional or really anything I could control. I told her I was and ran to my next entrance wing. I popped my ankle and continued on. The next time we were on the floor, I struggled to get up as well, but I was in the back and at least knew it was coming so it wasn’t as bad. Overall, it wasn’t what I was hoping for, but it definitely couldn’t be worse. I am content. (Though I don’t know that I’ll watch the DVD for a while.)

After the show, my director saw me in the hallway and asked if I was okay. I told her how I was getting referred to a rheumatologist and how we’re pretty sure it’s something auto immune. That there’s good days and bad days, and I just have to do the best I can as we try to sort it all out. Her concern really meant a lot to me. So often I’m confronted with people who just don’t get it, being as they don’t know what it’s like to feel sick all the time. But she didn’t see my flub as negligence, but looked at it in concern for me, the dancer. I love her so much.

I’m sad to know that Nutcracker is almost over. I love shows so much, and try my best to just soak up every moment and detail. The way the hairspray smells in the dressing room, the sound of an army of pointe shoes coming down the stairs before our scene, the look on the faces of the kids I teach as we see each other backstage, (and the Dad of one saying, “There’s your teacher!” and seeing her face light up) the sound of the tech guy’s cues, the way the stage lights look reflected on the faces of the audience, and how no matter how you feel towards someone, if they need help with a costume, a dancer automatically stop what they’re doing to help.

My polaroid camera broke on Friday night, so I had to get a new one Saturday in order to try and get polaroids from throughout the shows. Polaroids are my favorite. There’s something about holding the picture in your hand, and not simply trusting a file stored somewhere to hold your memories for you. And also the pressure of only having one shot. It comes out how it does, which is more true to the moment. I love it so much.

Here are a few of the pictures from the first weekend. Hopefully I’ll be able to get more this next weekend. Resting up and doing all I can to be my best self for it.

 

Nina; Clara on Saturday

Maddie; Clara on Sunday 

Lauren got some incredible pictures of Snow! (Also. Note the huge pile)

My babies. (Please note the feat socks. They’re incredible. Featsocks.com)

Sarah and Liz–my biggest fans 

Adult ballerinas, for the win! 

 

 So happy 

Somehow it is December, even though it feels like early October. Yesterday was our first night of rehearsals in the theatre, leading up to our school shows (tomorrow) and our first weekend of full shows.

This year feels different for some reason, I’m not sure if it’s me, or the fact that it is indeed a different year, or if I just know more people this time, but I’m trying to just take it all as it comes and enjoy every moment.

I feel like I can gauge myself and my growth on a ballet season timeline. Specifically, I feel things more deeply in the winter, and Nutcracker is a prime target of this so it all tends to coincide. (I hope that makes sense. My brain is laggin’) It’s interesting to see which roles I look at one year thinking, “I don’t think I could ever do that,” only to find it as my role the next year and there I am, in fact, doing it.

This is my first year as snow. It’s my second year in Waltz of the Flowers, but as a different flower from the time before. (I love flowers. So much.)

Now I’ve known it to be common place for me to completely screw up my parts on the first stage run through. I still haven’t figured out why I do this, exactly, but it happens. My first year, I completely marked a turn instead of doing it. Like. What?!
This year has proven to be just the same (Though I don’t remember it being as bad last year or during Swan Lake. Or Oz for that matter. Regardless, I was a hot mess yesterday.

I wasn’t in the cast that got to do a formal marking, and maybe that had something to do with it, though I tried my best to pay attention to where my share was. I managed to somehow slip (which was actually completely unnoticeable) right before the circle-to-the-floor step that I’ve been working on to try to improve (and had finally mastered) which threw me off mentally and caused me to completely suck at the step I had been working on, as well as the next step after. It was terrible. I tried to play it off, but really it was embarrassing. Thankfully, one of the girls in my cast had a video of it, so I was able to watch it and see exactly what I did and where I really need to improve and push myself. (My jete’s are a joke, y’all.)

Now I can make excuses all day as to why I can’t do this, or why that is a struggle, but really, anyone could if they wanted to. And honestly, I was the worst in the video overall, which actually made me feel oddly good in some ways. Everyone else is really working hard and doing so well, it’s going to look great. It also makes me want to work harder to keep up. There’s tons of things I wish I could change about myself to be better, but I can’t control them so what I can do is work with what I have and push myself. Here’s what it all boils down to. It’s now or never.

I was much more confident going into Flowers. It’s my favorite role and as long as I go over my trouble spots before, I don’t have an issue.
Until, ya know, I had an issue.

If you want reasonings, surroundings were different, and people were marking, and it threw me off because things didn’t look the same and I was relying on that since my brain was already proving to be fried from the day, but really I should know better and be able to adapt even if things go weird. (Which I have before. So what was my deal yesterday? And I messed up my favorite part! How does that even happen?!) I ended up running offstage when I definitely wasn’t supposed to, and didn’t even realize it for a few moments. Then I see everyone else on stage, in their poses, and I’m like. Welp.
I waited until it was our time to move again into a bourree circle and just ran on like it was totally normal and joined back in. I didn’t mess up on the ending part I had been messing up lately, so that’s good. But seriously? What the heck?

I’m hoping now that all those mess ups are out of my system, the shows will be better. I still feel bad though, if we’re being honest. I’m not up to my own expectations and it makes me mad. I should be better. I should be able to keep up. It shouldn’t be this much of a struggle. So I’m going over and over the dance in my head, hoping it’ll become second nature and I can do the dance justice and also not let my fellow dancers down.

I have my follow up appointment to go over my bloodwork tomorrow, though I got my results in the mail yesterday. There’s abnormalities in one of the tests that shows an auto immune issue with leanings towards Lupus. I’m being referred to a Rheumatologist for further testings and to see about an actual diagnosis, but just to know that I’m not crazy and there’s something here to go off of makes me feel so good.I’m getting closer to having an actual reason for why I’ve been feeling so terribly and struggling so much in life.I’ll keep you updated on that.

Tonight is night two of Theatre Week. I don’t know how much dancing I’ll actually do in it, but I’ll be there for support nonetheless.

Soaking up all these moments while I have them.

This weekend i stumbled upon a video of the World Disco Dancin’ Finals. The video was from 1983 and I ended up watching almost the entire thing. 

It really drew me in, at first to see if it would get more ridiculous as it went in (being that the 80s were quite a bit of time ago) but I stayed because you could see the talent and passion in these people. They were committed, and some were really, really good. 

Japan won in the video i watched, and i did a bit of googling to see what this competition even was. (Which is actually how I found the 1983 video because I originally began with 1982. Anyway.)

The video was actually posted to YouTube by one of the contestants. He made it to the top ten (from Ireland) and as I read the comments I learned that his dad actually made his costume. Really impressive, honestly. He also said he was in his early 20s and now he’s married and has kids. A few other contestants had commented, updating on their lives, and commenting on how much fun and what great memories being on the show gave them. They spoke of where they were now and what they remembered of each other. USA spoke of being nervous as heck which made her stiffen up. There were comments from people who remembered the original broadcast fondly and even how fun it was to see the old commercials. (What was uploaded was recorded by Irelands mom on their vcr recorder) We learned that the contestant from Jersey who I believe was third (and super talented) died shortly after the show at the age of 24. Her sister had commented on how grateful she was to have that. 

Before reading the comments, I would watch these dancers, see where they were from and what their occupation was, and realize that they were real people. They were passionate, doing this whole dancing thing in their spare time from school or work. They were having the time of their lives and doing what they loved. They were all there, from all over the world, united over this universal love–a language that knows no bounds. 

I thought of where I am in life and how unique it is. I thought of the friends I have from literally all over the world all because we love this same art form. I thought of what the last five years have held for me and how much I have learned about myself. I thought of the opportunities I’ve been given and the experiences I’ve gained and the cool stories I have to tell. I thought of videos I, too, can show my children of the cool things I’ve done with my golden years. I thought of how different my life would be had I never decided to pursue this, even though I began so late. 

What wonderful memories I’m creating, even when it’s exhausting and painful and my body is trying to tell me I can’t do this. What wonderful people I have in my life now, and some I’ll have forever. What wonderful experiences I get to have as my own; ones I never really dreamed would be possible. 

My heart is so full. 

There are two different companies in the city I dance in. I have friends in the company I’m not part of, and their Nutcracker is this weekend. Since I didn’t have rehearsal yesterday, I got me a ticket to see them dance. 😊

I found out that if there are two seats directly center, and you only want one of them, they won’t sell it to you. Instead, I got one at the end of an aisle. The seat row are super small, making having an end help with my knees. Because clearly I’m 87. 

I ended up sitting by the family of one of the company members, specifically by her Grandpa. He was a nice man, and didn’t talk much. We joked a bit at the beginning. I offered to switch seats or rows since they’ll family was split between two rows, but they had it three on one row and three on the other, so it was okay. I introduced myself to grandpa, and the show began. 

I had a few friends in the first scene as party parents, so it was really fun to get to see them have such a great time. 

When they brought out the boxes with the dolls, I faintly hear a voice say something. Then I hear from next to me, “darlin’, that’s my granddaughter.” He had the biggest smile on his face. 

She has beautiful feet and perfectly hyperextended legs and did a really great job of the role. He told me how her feet have been raw for weeks and of all the long rehearsals she’s done every day. He was so proud. 

As her part ended and the show went on, I found myself choked up a bit as I realized I sat next to someone’s grandpa, watching proudly as his granddaughter danced. My Grandpa was a stoic old war veteran, often saying cold or hurtful things without batting an eye. I remember him making me cry as a child. But I also remember how proud it made him that I danced. He lived in Kansas and didn’t get to see me often, but he made it down for a recital, and anytime we went up to visit, he would ask me if I was doing that toe dancing. He’d call me twinkle toes. He passed away my junior year of high school. I was his unspoken favorite granddaughter, and I didn’t get to go to his funeral because of exams. I often wonder what he’d think of me now. I was pulled out of ballet as a kid before I could get pointe shoes, but he’d still ask me about it. When I got older and thought of things I wanted to accomplish before I die, I realized how badly I wanted to actually do “toe dancing.” The “twinkle toe” stuff that somehow bonded my grandpa and me. So I started classes, got shoes two years later, and here I am still dancing. I wonder what he’d think about it. If he’d be able to come down and watch, if they’d have to drag him or if he’d want to go. If he’d lean over to the stranger next to him in the audience and say, “darlin’, that ones my granddaughter.”

Holidays make me feel lots of things. A lot of times they’re a struggle for me. I find ways to get through anyway, but it doesn’t make it easy, really. Having the friends I’ve made that are like family to me has become more invaluable than words can really express. My grandpa may not be here, and I may not have any special part, I may hardly even be seen in the crowd of other dancers, but I know I have people who love me, even if I’m just me. My dad is coming to see me, which means more than I can say. He couldn’t care less about ballet, but he cares about me more than the pain of sitting through an endless ballet he’s seen more times than he’s cared to and that he wouldn’t go to if I wasn’t in it. But I am. So he does. And he does so gladly. 

These little things really make a world of difference. So if you’re out there feeling like your life doesn’t matter much, just remember that the little bits of kindness you extend means more than you’ll ever realize. 

And as I have Nutcracker music playing and popping on my record player as I type this out, I can’t help but think of my grandpa, and how he would feel seeing me doing all this at my “old” age. 

There’s magic in the ballet. And I’m honored to get to be a part of it in my small way. I love getting to witness it and support my friends and all their hard work. I love having this thing that bonds us in ways we wouldn’t have had we not danced. I love the world this opens me up to. 

I’m so grateful. 

(Proud of you all! Great show last night! You’ll be beautiful snowflakes tonight!)

I would like to think the SuperMoon is to blame for a lot of the craziness the beginning of this week has held, but I don’t know if that’s all that true, or if all of it can really be blamed on it. (Some of it, for sure.)

With everything going on with my health that doesn’t quite make sense, I’ve been rather overwhelmed and drained. I contemplated skipping class on Monday, since it’s the only day I can skip since I teach the other days I’m there. I thought of how the studio will be closed next week for Thanksgiving, and how–if I’m honest with myself–I didn’t want to skip at all.

It’s my favorite class, I think, though I do like the others I take. But I know I can be more relaxed in the adult class, and I know that my teacher knows what’s going on (as much as I know, at least) and if something were to happen, it would be okay to not have to pretend like it’s not happening. So many times I feel so much pressure to keep up that I’m not sure if I should be concerned about what I’m pushing through, or if paying attention to it would just be me being weak. The struggle.

I was glad I went. I was grateful to have an hour to dance and move and feel alive. To forget everything else going on around me, and just dance. My knee started hurting and my back was still tweaked from whatever I did to it this weekend, and my head was hurting, and everything else that’s normal, but I didn’t think about them much. And I was able to do these combinations that made me feel good and remind my why all this is worth it.

We are rehearsing in costumes this weekend. Which I absolutely cannot believe that it’s already this time of year. I feel like it’s still August, or early September at latest. Nope. It’s November. Which means that shows are, like, three weeks away. And Thanksgiving is next week. And what even is life. CALM DOWN TIME.

I’m working on Snow this weekend with my friend, Emily, who is new to our studio and also teaches. I’m pretty excited about it. I know she’ll be real with me but also not just eat my soul. (Not saying any of our teachers here do that, but it’s always an irrational fear of mine. I blame my childhood.) My goal is to get the step I’m struggling with to be fluid so that I don’t second guess myself and screw up in front of everyone. I have to get past that mental block.

One of my favorite teachers from High School is coming to see me dance. She called me yesterday about tickets, and just hearing her voice flooded me with good feelings. I don’t think she realizes how detrimental she was to the person I have become. She taught me kindness and empathy and compassion, as well as how to face scary things and that doing hard things is necessary. I don’t know if she knows what I was going through while I was in her class and how she ultimately helped me out of it, but she did. There are a few other teachers that really helped shape me as well. I carry them in my heart. And when I choose kindness, empathy, compassion, and love, I think of them.

Be kind. Do what you can. You may never see what it produces, but I promise, it produces good things.

My doctors appointment was Friday. I’m not sure what I expected, really, I guess I just hoped it would be an easy answer. I should have known better. 

She doesn’t think I have eds, she thinks it’s autoimmune related, yet we haven’t found more than they think I have ibs. Which, unless there’s more to ibs than what is commonly known (which is all I’ve been told) then I really don’t think I have it. But I don’t know. Whatever. 

She gave me orders for labs to be run for autoimmune disorders, as well as for eds. She separated them so I can do them separately if they’re too expensive since I don’t have real insurance. (It’s a sharing program, which is legit, but I don’t know if it covers this stuff. It’s frustrating.) 

Being real, after my appointment I sat in my car crying. I’m pretty sure the other set of labs she’s ordered are ones I’ve already done with no positive results. It’s disheartening to know I have to pay money I don’t have for labs that will more than likely come back negative. I don’t have anything left in me to try and figure out the complex insurance situation, yet I have to find a way to do it. My cousin has her appointment to be tested for eds in a couple weeks, so I’m going to hold off on that until she has her results. No sense spending copious amounts of money I don’t have to be tested for something if she comes back negative. (It’s genetic.) 

I was able to explain to my doctor how I’m not okay. I told her how there are things I’ve previous been able to do just fine and now I can’t. She asked if it was just since I’ve started ballet and I explained how some of it is literally just in the last month. She asked if I was overworked. I laughed. Yes, I am, but I have no choice. And I’m doing significantly less than usual and way more wiped out than usual. 

She did examine me and found my right wrist to be swollen at the joint, which concerned her. She didn’t say much about the rest of the stuff she was looking for. 

I like that she doesn’t make me feel stupid when she thinks I’m wrong. Still, I felt stupid and naive and beat myself over the head on how this all just has to be in my mind, or that I’m making it out to be more than it really is. That I’m just being dramatic and need to get over it. 

Which is all fine and good, until I do just that and find myself getting super sick from pushing through. 

None of it makes sense. 

Yesterday we had snow rehearsal. I had a few friends help me with snow on Fridays to try and get it all clean and together and remember it all. Then my friend Adrienne and I went over it before rehearsal even started to make sure we had it down. 

I still have some working to do, as I can’t quite seem to get the step correctly. My teacher worked with me on it and showed me the proper way to execute it, so I just have to work on it to make sure it becomes fluid the proper way. I happen to be in the front for this part, so it’s extra important. Plus, I don’t want to be the one that messes up the beauty of the part for everyone. I want to do everything I can to be my best, and work hard at this to get it right. 

Sometimes I go along through class and rehearsal and feel like I’m the only one that sees me. That I blend, my details becoming near invisible. Not in a bad way, in an almost comfortable way. But I’m not. We’re seen. There’s always someone looking to us. We have influence, more than we realize. We are each a component in what makes up the big picture that is current reality. And if you ever feel like you don’t matter, just take a second to really realize what that entails. We all matter. We all have value. 

We’re also doing secret santa amongst the Snow cast again. This is my first year participating, and I found myself very nervous leading up to it. But I got someone that I’m excited about giving things to, so it’ll be good. 

We have flowers rehearsal today, which I need to brush up on the ending bit before we get going. I love flowers. I think it’s my favorite dance I’ve done. 

Keep going. Keep enduring. Keep fighting. 

Keep breathing. Half the battle is getting past the voices in your own head telling you you’re not enough. You are enough. You’re more than enough. And you being concerned about being better and striving to do so is proof of that. You’ll get there, my darling. Keep pressing on. 

Our spring show this season is going to be an original choreography piece by Julie Green, who actually choreographed the first spring show I was in here. We did Wizard of Oz that time, and this time it’s Snow White. 

Since it’s a new, original piece we had the auditions early, that way she knows who she has to work with, they can get costumes rolling since they’ll largely be new, (or to see what we have that we can use) and everything else that goes into it. It’s a lot to piece together and get rolling in the mind of the creatives. 

We had those auditions yesterday, and i’m glad to know they’re over. Auditions just make me super nervous, largely due to the fact that i’m so much older than everyone i’m auditioning with. It’s a slightly awkward thing at times, mix in all my ailments and issues–it’s difficult. Trying to show them I can do things that my body just isn’t letting me do is frustrating. This time it was mainly my right leg. My achilles’ tendon has been giving me issues, and the muscles in my right leg have just been…weird. Almost as though they’re easily exhausted. Why the right leg? It’s my dominant leg, and the leg that’s usually worked the most. I don’t understand. Anyways. 

I made it through alright. My main focus was to just do what I could do and not freak out. To know that, thankfully, they know what I can do and what I’m capable of, and that the best thing is to go in with confidence. My goal was to begin and end each thing well, and just do my best in the middle. 

We started off with barre, which, thankfully, my body cooperated for and did what it can do on a normal time. I was in the first group of 10, but towards the end of it, making me go in the first group a few times, but second or third at others. We did a large amount of it in our flat shoes, which didn’t mean that it was automatically easy. But part of it was expected, and I knew that it wasn’t roles I was being considered for, so all you can do in those scenarios is your best with confidence. Then they’re more prone to see your effort. After all, they see you in class. they know what you can and can’t do. No sense getting worked up that you can’t do something that they know you can’t already do. 

We did a bit of acting as well, which I found to be extremely fun. there was one part where we were partnered up and then separated. We then had to come up with a character, it could be human or not, and we had to be in that character as we went to meet up with our partner, then interact in our characters. We were separated so we wouldn’t be able to plan with each other what we were, which made it so much fun. I toyed around with the idea of being a dog, and like. sniffing the butt of my partner (i knew her and knew it wouldn’t freak her out[and i wouldn’t reaaaaally sniff her butt. that’s gross]) but decided to be a fisherman instead. originally i wanted to row my bit by scooting, but it would take to long so i opted for being on my knees. (skinning them a little. hah.)  I then got out my fishing pole and caught a fish. Then i noticed my partner and threw my line at her. And she completely went with it, caught my line, and I reeled her in. It was hilarious, and actually quite perfect, becauase she was sadness. There was a pair that ended up being hilarious with a doll and an old lady. When the old lady couldn’t keep up with the doll, the doll just picked her up and ran off with her. We all laughed so hard! 

Then there was a part where she pulled out some girls from the rest. She had done this before with a big of the dwarf section, to better see some of the girls do it against each other. This time she separated some out to do a different section of a combination we learned. She called out the expected numbers of the advanced girls at the end of the group, then picked out a few more, including a couple of my friends. Then she took one last scan of everyone and called my number and another girls number. Now, I have no clue of the significance of this part to the grand scheme of things, but just knowing that I was included in with the group of girls (that were essentially the VI’s from last year) made me feel really good. So we all learned the combination, then those of us that had been separated out were put with two of the other girls. (one in the center, flanked by the other two.) The two were told to do the combination like normal, and those in the center were told to do it messed up and clumsy. Whatever that means to them. I went in the first group, and this was one of the most fun things i’ve ever done in an audition. As we went through, we ran out of the two’s, so they called out a few of the girls who had already gone in the center to be the flanks for the remaining girls. I got to go with my friend Abarrane as the other flank, and Alexis in the center. It was really fun because we were able to interact with her if we wanted to when she interacted with us. I loved it. So so much. Plus, I was just really glad i remembered the combination, because at first I was actually doing it the wrong way, before we knew we were supposed to mess it up. Some of the girls were absolutely hilarious. It was so much fun. 

We went on to the section en pointe, which was okay. I went into it telling myself I could do it and trying not to worry. Which was great, until we were doing this combination that was fast and a little difficult, but played to my strengths. which was great, until the chaines leading into it. I came out of one funny, semi-rolled my ankle, but not fully, just enough for my shoe to come off, and i couldn’t quite regain my bearings. I did my best to finish and was frustrated because I can actually do pique roll through really well. I let it go and moved on, hoping my ankle wasn’t jacked up. I pressed on, not wanting them to think i’m incapable. And it sucks cause I had just resewn my shoes so the heel wouldn’t fall off. Ugh. 

Thankfully at the end we did that part again, so I sort of got to redeem myself. it was fast and I landed hard on the jete, but it definitely could have been worse. 

All in all, I think this is the best audition I’ve had. I don’t know if that’s saying much, but whatever. The show will be fun. I have no clue when we’ll get the cast list, but i’ll let y’all know obviously. 

I’m glad it’s over. Stressing about it is worse than actually doing it. Now we can all carry on. 

I feel like there has been potential for at least three posts since my last and it hasn’t even been a week. Yet now that I’m here with my keys to the keyboard, I feel like I don’t have words to give.

Good thing is we had program pictures yesterday! And a picture is worth a thousand words, right? So that’s something.

Monday’s class went rather well, including Mrs. Alex ending by saying, “That class was on fleek.” I told her I was quoting her on that. hehe

(also, let it be known that my spellcheck is trying to correct “fleek.” hehehe)

Wednesday was pretty rough. It started out decently enough, but by the time I got to Adult Ballet, it was as though my muscles felt this weird exhaustive pain-ish-sensation and I couldn’t do things I know I’m capable of doing. It was beyond frustrating.Ms. Munro kept correcting me, ironically on things I’ve been and need to continue to work on and not on the things I was screwing up because of whatever my body was doing. But my brain was distracted by my body acting weird so I couldn’t seem to think about the things I needed to. It was rouuuuugh. Then, to top it off, my achilles has been hurting quite a bit. So much so, that by the time rehearsals came around on Saturday, I could hardly get through barre, let alone trying to rehearse on pointe. I felt like a failure. I hate it. It makes me so mad. And there’s not much I can offer before I may or may not get diagnosed. But even so, is it just an excuse? Ugggggh. 

Anyway.

I’m struggling in Snow, but my friend Katerina is going to help tutor me, which means a lot. I wasn’t here last week, so this past weekend was rough trying to catch up in a shorter rehearsal time. Flowers went better, so that was nice. This Saturday is auditions for Snow White; our spring show. So, I’m a bit nervous. But, I mean, I can only do what I can do.

The reality of my age is beginning to hit me, as well as the reality that I’m not okay. Something has to be wrong with me. I’m actually in a lighter work load season or whatever and actually more sick than I usually am. It’s frustrating and confusing and exhausting. Instead of being upset about it, I’m trying to soak in every moment I have. Next year will already be substantially different, simply because so many people are graduating. But that’s okay. Who knows what next year will bring? Thinking back on years, they all seem to be the same, but I know so much changes every year, and tomorrow is never guaranteed.

Anyway, on to the pictures.

Welp. These uploaded backwards. So… we begin with the dabbing Rat Queen and Nutcracker! (They had me fill in for pictures. Not near hard core enough to really be this role.) 

I love my friends 

True life 

This one is my favorite. Hands down. 

Right before I was told to stop messing with it 😂

We’re related. Not really. But really. 

Saw this one and smiled 

I love my people. All these people. And some not shown. I love them. Yesterday was wonderful. These costumes are fabulous. Happy clam. 

I skipped class tonight. 

It makes my heart so sad to not dance, and makes my muscles hurt since I did pointe for the first time in a while during rehearsal yesterday. The struggle. 

This week I mad a doctors appointment to try and figure out what’s making me so sick. I think part of what is making me feel so puny today is the packed weekend I had. We spent all (literally all) of Saturday at the Circuit of the Americas where Formula 1 was going on followed by Taylor Swift in concert. (The real reason I was there.) I was incredible beyond words and I met so many amazing people. Definitely a time for the books. 

It was about a 3.5 hour drive from me so I stayed with a friend who lived about 50 minutes away. I drove straight from there to rehearsal yesterday and didn’t get home until 9:30 last night. 

Apparently it was a bit too much for my body to handle. Yesterday was rough during rehearsal. I felt the most nauseated I’ve ever felt, which is saying something. But I powered through. More stubborn than anything. I hate missing rehearsals and I already had to miss Snow rehearsal on Saturday. 

I really feel I am over exerting myself, but I don’t really feel like I have a choice. I work because I need money. I dance for my sanity. I teach dance for both reasons above. So want options do I really have? 

I’ve been talking with my cousin who has also struggled with health issues and we’re both going in for various testing and stuff to try and get everything pin pointed. I’m nervous that doctors won’t believe me. I’m afraid that I’ll still “appear” too healthy to be taken seriously. It’s hard having people close to you not believe you that you feel so crappy or the time, or seem annoyed that you’re complaining again, or pass it off that you’re just lazy and trying to get out of something when it’s none of those things at all. There’s a guilt that sinks in that you can’t be better, a guilt for bringing them difficulty in having to deal with you. So you push through and try to be as normal as possible as much as you can so they won’t be inconvenienced. 

But does that even help at all? Or does it just make things worse? Does it do any good? Does it help your heart knowing that they aren’t upset or does it just make you less believeable because to them you seem fine? 

My cousin made a good point. Those that are well most of the time don’t know what it’s like to be sick most of the time. And having a diagnosis would help them to know that this is real, and help me know that I’m not crazy. But I’m also afraid that I won’t have what we’re testing for, putting me right back to where I started. 

But what if the diagnosis is nothing you can do anything for? Does that do any good? I’ve already gotten some skeptical eye brow raises to a few I’ve trusted with the possibility of what I’m facing. The emotions that come with all this can be overwhelming. And exhausting. 

So here I am, laying in bed, catching up on greys anatomy because even being productive is exhausting, trying not to be overwhelmed at everything I could be accomplishing with this skipped dance class. Also trying not to guilt trip myself about it all. 

Tomorrow is another day. Wednesday is a class I will take. If I don’t take care of myself, there will soon be no me to even have here to be productive or not. 

Such is life. 

Maybe one day it won’t be like this, but right now it is. So I just have to make the most of it. 

I find myself filled with overwhelming gratitude at the friends that have reached out to me to offer tips and help with all this health stuff. 

This weekend, be it exhausting and all, was good for my soul. I’m grateful.