Category: dance

There are two different companies in the city I dance in. I have friends in the company I’m not part of, and their Nutcracker is this weekend. Since I didn’t have rehearsal yesterday, I got me a ticket to see them dance. 😊

I found out that if there are two seats directly center, and you only want one of them, they won’t sell it to you. Instead, I got one at the end of an aisle. The seat row are super small, making having an end help with my knees. Because clearly I’m 87. 

I ended up sitting by the family of one of the company members, specifically by her Grandpa. He was a nice man, and didn’t talk much. We joked a bit at the beginning. I offered to switch seats or rows since they’ll family was split between two rows, but they had it three on one row and three on the other, so it was okay. I introduced myself to grandpa, and the show began. 

I had a few friends in the first scene as party parents, so it was really fun to get to see them have such a great time. 

When they brought out the boxes with the dolls, I faintly hear a voice say something. Then I hear from next to me, “darlin’, that’s my granddaughter.” He had the biggest smile on his face. 

She has beautiful feet and perfectly hyperextended legs and did a really great job of the role. He told me how her feet have been raw for weeks and of all the long rehearsals she’s done every day. He was so proud. 

As her part ended and the show went on, I found myself choked up a bit as I realized I sat next to someone’s grandpa, watching proudly as his granddaughter danced. My Grandpa was a stoic old war veteran, often saying cold or hurtful things without batting an eye. I remember him making me cry as a child. But I also remember how proud it made him that I danced. He lived in Kansas and didn’t get to see me often, but he made it down for a recital, and anytime we went up to visit, he would ask me if I was doing that toe dancing. He’d call me twinkle toes. He passed away my junior year of high school. I was his unspoken favorite granddaughter, and I didn’t get to go to his funeral because of exams. I often wonder what he’d think of me now. I was pulled out of ballet as a kid before I could get pointe shoes, but he’d still ask me about it. When I got older and thought of things I wanted to accomplish before I die, I realized how badly I wanted to actually do “toe dancing.” The “twinkle toe” stuff that somehow bonded my grandpa and me. So I started classes, got shoes two years later, and here I am still dancing. I wonder what he’d think about it. If he’d be able to come down and watch, if they’d have to drag him or if he’d want to go. If he’d lean over to the stranger next to him in the audience and say, “darlin’, that ones my granddaughter.”

Holidays make me feel lots of things. A lot of times they’re a struggle for me. I find ways to get through anyway, but it doesn’t make it easy, really. Having the friends I’ve made that are like family to me has become more invaluable than words can really express. My grandpa may not be here, and I may not have any special part, I may hardly even be seen in the crowd of other dancers, but I know I have people who love me, even if I’m just me. My dad is coming to see me, which means more than I can say. He couldn’t care less about ballet, but he cares about me more than the pain of sitting through an endless ballet he’s seen more times than he’s cared to and that he wouldn’t go to if I wasn’t in it. But I am. So he does. And he does so gladly. 

These little things really make a world of difference. So if you’re out there feeling like your life doesn’t matter much, just remember that the little bits of kindness you extend means more than you’ll ever realize. 

And as I have Nutcracker music playing and popping on my record player as I type this out, I can’t help but think of my grandpa, and how he would feel seeing me doing all this at my “old” age. 

There’s magic in the ballet. And I’m honored to get to be a part of it in my small way. I love getting to witness it and support my friends and all their hard work. I love having this thing that bonds us in ways we wouldn’t have had we not danced. I love the world this opens me up to. 

I’m so grateful. 

(Proud of you all! Great show last night! You’ll be beautiful snowflakes tonight!)

I would like to think the SuperMoon is to blame for a lot of the craziness the beginning of this week has held, but I don’t know if that’s all that true, or if all of it can really be blamed on it. (Some of it, for sure.)

With everything going on with my health that doesn’t quite make sense, I’ve been rather overwhelmed and drained. I contemplated skipping class on Monday, since it’s the only day I can skip since I teach the other days I’m there. I thought of how the studio will be closed next week for Thanksgiving, and how–if I’m honest with myself–I didn’t want to skip at all.

It’s my favorite class, I think, though I do like the others I take. But I know I can be more relaxed in the adult class, and I know that my teacher knows what’s going on (as much as I know, at least) and if something were to happen, it would be okay to not have to pretend like it’s not happening. So many times I feel so much pressure to keep up that I’m not sure if I should be concerned about what I’m pushing through, or if paying attention to it would just be me being weak. The struggle.

I was glad I went. I was grateful to have an hour to dance and move and feel alive. To forget everything else going on around me, and just dance. My knee started hurting and my back was still tweaked from whatever I did to it this weekend, and my head was hurting, and everything else that’s normal, but I didn’t think about them much. And I was able to do these combinations that made me feel good and remind my why all this is worth it.

We are rehearsing in costumes this weekend. Which I absolutely cannot believe that it’s already this time of year. I feel like it’s still August, or early September at latest. Nope. It’s November. Which means that shows are, like, three weeks away. And Thanksgiving is next week. And what even is life. CALM DOWN TIME.

I’m working on Snow this weekend with my friend, Emily, who is new to our studio and also teaches. I’m pretty excited about it. I know she’ll be real with me but also not just eat my soul. (Not saying any of our teachers here do that, but it’s always an irrational fear of mine. I blame my childhood.) My goal is to get the step I’m struggling with to be fluid so that I don’t second guess myself and screw up in front of everyone. I have to get past that mental block.

One of my favorite teachers from High School is coming to see me dance. She called me yesterday about tickets, and just hearing her voice flooded me with good feelings. I don’t think she realizes how detrimental she was to the person I have become. She taught me kindness and empathy and compassion, as well as how to face scary things and that doing hard things is necessary. I don’t know if she knows what I was going through while I was in her class and how she ultimately helped me out of it, but she did. There are a few other teachers that really helped shape me as well. I carry them in my heart. And when I choose kindness, empathy, compassion, and love, I think of them.

Be kind. Do what you can. You may never see what it produces, but I promise, it produces good things.

My doctors appointment was Friday. I’m not sure what I expected, really, I guess I just hoped it would be an easy answer. I should have known better. 

She doesn’t think I have eds, she thinks it’s autoimmune related, yet we haven’t found more than they think I have ibs. Which, unless there’s more to ibs than what is commonly known (which is all I’ve been told) then I really don’t think I have it. But I don’t know. Whatever. 

She gave me orders for labs to be run for autoimmune disorders, as well as for eds. She separated them so I can do them separately if they’re too expensive since I don’t have real insurance. (It’s a sharing program, which is legit, but I don’t know if it covers this stuff. It’s frustrating.) 

Being real, after my appointment I sat in my car crying. I’m pretty sure the other set of labs she’s ordered are ones I’ve already done with no positive results. It’s disheartening to know I have to pay money I don’t have for labs that will more than likely come back negative. I don’t have anything left in me to try and figure out the complex insurance situation, yet I have to find a way to do it. My cousin has her appointment to be tested for eds in a couple weeks, so I’m going to hold off on that until she has her results. No sense spending copious amounts of money I don’t have to be tested for something if she comes back negative. (It’s genetic.) 

I was able to explain to my doctor how I’m not okay. I told her how there are things I’ve previous been able to do just fine and now I can’t. She asked if it was just since I’ve started ballet and I explained how some of it is literally just in the last month. She asked if I was overworked. I laughed. Yes, I am, but I have no choice. And I’m doing significantly less than usual and way more wiped out than usual. 

She did examine me and found my right wrist to be swollen at the joint, which concerned her. She didn’t say much about the rest of the stuff she was looking for. 

I like that she doesn’t make me feel stupid when she thinks I’m wrong. Still, I felt stupid and naive and beat myself over the head on how this all just has to be in my mind, or that I’m making it out to be more than it really is. That I’m just being dramatic and need to get over it. 

Which is all fine and good, until I do just that and find myself getting super sick from pushing through. 

None of it makes sense. 

Yesterday we had snow rehearsal. I had a few friends help me with snow on Fridays to try and get it all clean and together and remember it all. Then my friend Adrienne and I went over it before rehearsal even started to make sure we had it down. 

I still have some working to do, as I can’t quite seem to get the step correctly. My teacher worked with me on it and showed me the proper way to execute it, so I just have to work on it to make sure it becomes fluid the proper way. I happen to be in the front for this part, so it’s extra important. Plus, I don’t want to be the one that messes up the beauty of the part for everyone. I want to do everything I can to be my best, and work hard at this to get it right. 

Sometimes I go along through class and rehearsal and feel like I’m the only one that sees me. That I blend, my details becoming near invisible. Not in a bad way, in an almost comfortable way. But I’m not. We’re seen. There’s always someone looking to us. We have influence, more than we realize. We are each a component in what makes up the big picture that is current reality. And if you ever feel like you don’t matter, just take a second to really realize what that entails. We all matter. We all have value. 

We’re also doing secret santa amongst the Snow cast again. This is my first year participating, and I found myself very nervous leading up to it. But I got someone that I’m excited about giving things to, so it’ll be good. 

We have flowers rehearsal today, which I need to brush up on the ending bit before we get going. I love flowers. I think it’s my favorite dance I’ve done. 

Keep going. Keep enduring. Keep fighting. 

Keep breathing. Half the battle is getting past the voices in your own head telling you you’re not enough. You are enough. You’re more than enough. And you being concerned about being better and striving to do so is proof of that. You’ll get there, my darling. Keep pressing on. 

Our spring show this season is going to be an original choreography piece by Julie Green, who actually choreographed the first spring show I was in here. We did Wizard of Oz that time, and this time it’s Snow White. 

Since it’s a new, original piece we had the auditions early, that way she knows who she has to work with, they can get costumes rolling since they’ll largely be new, (or to see what we have that we can use) and everything else that goes into it. It’s a lot to piece together and get rolling in the mind of the creatives. 

We had those auditions yesterday, and i’m glad to know they’re over. Auditions just make me super nervous, largely due to the fact that i’m so much older than everyone i’m auditioning with. It’s a slightly awkward thing at times, mix in all my ailments and issues–it’s difficult. Trying to show them I can do things that my body just isn’t letting me do is frustrating. This time it was mainly my right leg. My achilles’ tendon has been giving me issues, and the muscles in my right leg have just been…weird. Almost as though they’re easily exhausted. Why the right leg? It’s my dominant leg, and the leg that’s usually worked the most. I don’t understand. Anyways. 

I made it through alright. My main focus was to just do what I could do and not freak out. To know that, thankfully, they know what I can do and what I’m capable of, and that the best thing is to go in with confidence. My goal was to begin and end each thing well, and just do my best in the middle. 

We started off with barre, which, thankfully, my body cooperated for and did what it can do on a normal time. I was in the first group of 10, but towards the end of it, making me go in the first group a few times, but second or third at others. We did a large amount of it in our flat shoes, which didn’t mean that it was automatically easy. But part of it was expected, and I knew that it wasn’t roles I was being considered for, so all you can do in those scenarios is your best with confidence. Then they’re more prone to see your effort. After all, they see you in class. they know what you can and can’t do. No sense getting worked up that you can’t do something that they know you can’t already do. 

We did a bit of acting as well, which I found to be extremely fun. there was one part where we were partnered up and then separated. We then had to come up with a character, it could be human or not, and we had to be in that character as we went to meet up with our partner, then interact in our characters. We were separated so we wouldn’t be able to plan with each other what we were, which made it so much fun. I toyed around with the idea of being a dog, and like. sniffing the butt of my partner (i knew her and knew it wouldn’t freak her out[and i wouldn’t reaaaaally sniff her butt. that’s gross]) but decided to be a fisherman instead. originally i wanted to row my bit by scooting, but it would take to long so i opted for being on my knees. (skinning them a little. hah.)  I then got out my fishing pole and caught a fish. Then i noticed my partner and threw my line at her. And she completely went with it, caught my line, and I reeled her in. It was hilarious, and actually quite perfect, becauase she was sadness. There was a pair that ended up being hilarious with a doll and an old lady. When the old lady couldn’t keep up with the doll, the doll just picked her up and ran off with her. We all laughed so hard! 

Then there was a part where she pulled out some girls from the rest. She had done this before with a big of the dwarf section, to better see some of the girls do it against each other. This time she separated some out to do a different section of a combination we learned. She called out the expected numbers of the advanced girls at the end of the group, then picked out a few more, including a couple of my friends. Then she took one last scan of everyone and called my number and another girls number. Now, I have no clue of the significance of this part to the grand scheme of things, but just knowing that I was included in with the group of girls (that were essentially the VI’s from last year) made me feel really good. So we all learned the combination, then those of us that had been separated out were put with two of the other girls. (one in the center, flanked by the other two.) The two were told to do the combination like normal, and those in the center were told to do it messed up and clumsy. Whatever that means to them. I went in the first group, and this was one of the most fun things i’ve ever done in an audition. As we went through, we ran out of the two’s, so they called out a few of the girls who had already gone in the center to be the flanks for the remaining girls. I got to go with my friend Abarrane as the other flank, and Alexis in the center. It was really fun because we were able to interact with her if we wanted to when she interacted with us. I loved it. So so much. Plus, I was just really glad i remembered the combination, because at first I was actually doing it the wrong way, before we knew we were supposed to mess it up. Some of the girls were absolutely hilarious. It was so much fun. 

We went on to the section en pointe, which was okay. I went into it telling myself I could do it and trying not to worry. Which was great, until we were doing this combination that was fast and a little difficult, but played to my strengths. which was great, until the chaines leading into it. I came out of one funny, semi-rolled my ankle, but not fully, just enough for my shoe to come off, and i couldn’t quite regain my bearings. I did my best to finish and was frustrated because I can actually do pique roll through really well. I let it go and moved on, hoping my ankle wasn’t jacked up. I pressed on, not wanting them to think i’m incapable. And it sucks cause I had just resewn my shoes so the heel wouldn’t fall off. Ugh. 

Thankfully at the end we did that part again, so I sort of got to redeem myself. it was fast and I landed hard on the jete, but it definitely could have been worse. 

All in all, I think this is the best audition I’ve had. I don’t know if that’s saying much, but whatever. The show will be fun. I have no clue when we’ll get the cast list, but i’ll let y’all know obviously. 

I’m glad it’s over. Stressing about it is worse than actually doing it. Now we can all carry on. 

I feel like there has been potential for at least three posts since my last and it hasn’t even been a week. Yet now that I’m here with my keys to the keyboard, I feel like I don’t have words to give.

Good thing is we had program pictures yesterday! And a picture is worth a thousand words, right? So that’s something.

Monday’s class went rather well, including Mrs. Alex ending by saying, “That class was on fleek.” I told her I was quoting her on that. hehe

(also, let it be known that my spellcheck is trying to correct “fleek.” hehehe)

Wednesday was pretty rough. It started out decently enough, but by the time I got to Adult Ballet, it was as though my muscles felt this weird exhaustive pain-ish-sensation and I couldn’t do things I know I’m capable of doing. It was beyond frustrating.Ms. Munro kept correcting me, ironically on things I’ve been and need to continue to work on and not on the things I was screwing up because of whatever my body was doing. But my brain was distracted by my body acting weird so I couldn’t seem to think about the things I needed to. It was rouuuuugh. Then, to top it off, my achilles has been hurting quite a bit. So much so, that by the time rehearsals came around on Saturday, I could hardly get through barre, let alone trying to rehearse on pointe. I felt like a failure. I hate it. It makes me so mad. And there’s not much I can offer before I may or may not get diagnosed. But even so, is it just an excuse? Ugggggh. 

Anyway.

I’m struggling in Snow, but my friend Katerina is going to help tutor me, which means a lot. I wasn’t here last week, so this past weekend was rough trying to catch up in a shorter rehearsal time. Flowers went better, so that was nice. This Saturday is auditions for Snow White; our spring show. So, I’m a bit nervous. But, I mean, I can only do what I can do.

The reality of my age is beginning to hit me, as well as the reality that I’m not okay. Something has to be wrong with me. I’m actually in a lighter work load season or whatever and actually more sick than I usually am. It’s frustrating and confusing and exhausting. Instead of being upset about it, I’m trying to soak in every moment I have. Next year will already be substantially different, simply because so many people are graduating. But that’s okay. Who knows what next year will bring? Thinking back on years, they all seem to be the same, but I know so much changes every year, and tomorrow is never guaranteed.

Anyway, on to the pictures.

Welp. These uploaded backwards. So… we begin with the dabbing Rat Queen and Nutcracker! (They had me fill in for pictures. Not near hard core enough to really be this role.) 

I love my friends 

True life 

This one is my favorite. Hands down. 

Right before I was told to stop messing with it 😂

We’re related. Not really. But really. 

Saw this one and smiled 

I love my people. All these people. And some not shown. I love them. Yesterday was wonderful. These costumes are fabulous. Happy clam. 

I skipped class tonight. 

It makes my heart so sad to not dance, and makes my muscles hurt since I did pointe for the first time in a while during rehearsal yesterday. The struggle. 

This week I mad a doctors appointment to try and figure out what’s making me so sick. I think part of what is making me feel so puny today is the packed weekend I had. We spent all (literally all) of Saturday at the Circuit of the Americas where Formula 1 was going on followed by Taylor Swift in concert. (The real reason I was there.) I was incredible beyond words and I met so many amazing people. Definitely a time for the books. 

It was about a 3.5 hour drive from me so I stayed with a friend who lived about 50 minutes away. I drove straight from there to rehearsal yesterday and didn’t get home until 9:30 last night. 

Apparently it was a bit too much for my body to handle. Yesterday was rough during rehearsal. I felt the most nauseated I’ve ever felt, which is saying something. But I powered through. More stubborn than anything. I hate missing rehearsals and I already had to miss Snow rehearsal on Saturday. 

I really feel I am over exerting myself, but I don’t really feel like I have a choice. I work because I need money. I dance for my sanity. I teach dance for both reasons above. So want options do I really have? 

I’ve been talking with my cousin who has also struggled with health issues and we’re both going in for various testing and stuff to try and get everything pin pointed. I’m nervous that doctors won’t believe me. I’m afraid that I’ll still “appear” too healthy to be taken seriously. It’s hard having people close to you not believe you that you feel so crappy or the time, or seem annoyed that you’re complaining again, or pass it off that you’re just lazy and trying to get out of something when it’s none of those things at all. There’s a guilt that sinks in that you can’t be better, a guilt for bringing them difficulty in having to deal with you. So you push through and try to be as normal as possible as much as you can so they won’t be inconvenienced. 

But does that even help at all? Or does it just make things worse? Does it do any good? Does it help your heart knowing that they aren’t upset or does it just make you less believeable because to them you seem fine? 

My cousin made a good point. Those that are well most of the time don’t know what it’s like to be sick most of the time. And having a diagnosis would help them to know that this is real, and help me know that I’m not crazy. But I’m also afraid that I won’t have what we’re testing for, putting me right back to where I started. 

But what if the diagnosis is nothing you can do anything for? Does that do any good? I’ve already gotten some skeptical eye brow raises to a few I’ve trusted with the possibility of what I’m facing. The emotions that come with all this can be overwhelming. And exhausting. 

So here I am, laying in bed, catching up on greys anatomy because even being productive is exhausting, trying not to be overwhelmed at everything I could be accomplishing with this skipped dance class. Also trying not to guilt trip myself about it all. 

Tomorrow is another day. Wednesday is a class I will take. If I don’t take care of myself, there will soon be no me to even have here to be productive or not. 

Such is life. 

Maybe one day it won’t be like this, but right now it is. So I just have to make the most of it. 

I find myself filled with overwhelming gratitude at the friends that have reached out to me to offer tips and help with all this health stuff. 

This weekend, be it exhausting and all, was good for my soul. I’m grateful. 

This last week was full of ballet things. Not just classes and teaching, but also our fundraiser and a full weekend of rehearsals. 

Due to the fundraiser, I subbed a few classes one of our principals teaches. In the first class, I had them stretching in the beginning. With their feet flexed out in front of them, reaching over, one of the girls noticed my heels come off the ground (hyperextention) and she asked “do your feet do that because your thighs are so big?”

It took everything in me not to laugh at how blunt she was in her question. Granted her normal teacher is a tiny little muscular thing, even though her feet also come off the ground. 

I’m so used to teaching 5 year olds that believe you can do anything that the boldness of this 9-year-old took me off guard. It was also interesting to see the different personalities in the class. The ones who think they’re big stuff and the ones who are eager to be there (and complete naturals that could show up half the girls I dance with. My mind was blown.) 

The classes went well, though, and I had my girls at the end of the day. They did so well, I was incredibly proud. Especially considering how difficult the week before was. I think I’m finally figuring out what works with the dynamics of each class. And it’s great. I love these kids. 

Saturday we had rehearsal for Snow. It was Or second rehearsal, and we were able to get a little farther, which I was grateful for considering I won’t be there this Saturday. We changed a part from last year that everyone liked, and it involves pique turns. Which is fine, I like pique turns, but if I’m rushed and don’t fully think them through I’m prone to bend my knee. I’m in the front for this part so it’s crucial that I do it correctly. I almost got to do these crossing jetes, which I was pretty excited about. I still have so much to work on with my jetes, but they have improved and if felt good to know they were good enough to do this bit. It got changed though, which is okay. At least I was considered. And Ms Munro even apologized for having to change it to where I didn’t do it. But I understand, that’s how this all goes. So many things factor into choreography, it’s about finding the fit with all the different components. I’m still excited for snow, but it is a bit difficult, mainly in how fast it is. I have some things to really work on, including this fast roll thing on the floor. I actually managed to hurt my hamstring doing it in rehearsal. I tried to push through, but it got so bad I ended up having to sit out. I think I’ve been irritating it for a while leading up to this, and the roll thing just pushed it past it’s limit it’s right under where my back had been hurting on my short leg side, so I’m doing all I can to make it okay and trying to figure out the roll so I can do it properly and hopefully avoid this. 

Yesterday we had our first flower rehearsal. I think Lilac is my favorite role I’ve done. Which may seem silly, but i just love it. The way it all flows together, how it’ll look with the new romantic tutus, getting to interact with the other two sets of flowers. I dunno how to explain it, but I love it. I get to dance by my friend Hannah, who I split center with, which makes me happy. And there’s even a part where we’re in two straight lines and Hannah and I are in the front, which never happens. I’m so pumped. I think this role plays more to my strengths, too, which probably adds to why I love it. It just makes sense in my head. 

I didn’t do pointe yesterday, which made me sad, and I won’t do it in class tonight, but I’m hoping taking a step back and then being gone for snow this weekend will help my hip. I see the chiropractor Thursday, as well. Not sure what else can be done for me other than I’m just falling apart. I need to get back to my family practitioner, but I’m afraid I’ll have to go through a bunch of testing to rule things out and I can’t afford it. But something’s gotta give, man. 

Still, I’m excited for this season. I’m hopeful that things will work out. And one of the new teachers, Emily, has offered to help me out with pointe stuff I need to work on, so I’m really excited for that. And hopeful. More hopeful. More solid hope. You get the point 😂

My Instagram page for this blog has passed 1,000 followers, which blows my mind. It’s weird because there’s been a shift here the last two weeks where I’ve seen consistent traffic from these new people I don’t know. Before it would be just in waves when a picture or video would take off, usually because a lot of people were laughing at me. But now it’s shifted to where people are staying and people are telling me how encouraged they are by me. I mean, I guess there aren’t many dancers my age that look like I do that have started from scratch as an adult. There are some, and they’re out there, and I’m friends with many of them, but I’m realizing how truly unique we are. 

And I love it. 

So I’m hosting a giveaway on my Instagram that I’m excited about. Details will be up with the post announcing this blogs publication. Hehe 

Not many big, spectacular things have been happening that are particularly note-worthy, but there have been little things all around that honestly just make me smile. 

Things I have now that I know I won’t have much longer, especially next year once everyone has graduated and left me 😭 (okay, not everyone, but a huge chunk of people, and even some that have been with me since the beginning of this whole ordeal.)

I’m trying to soak in every good thing I have while I have it, even if it’s surrounded by some not-so-good things. Make the most of these days and recognize them for the gift they are. 

It’s the boring, mundane, common days that we can so easily overlook, but are the things we look back on teary eyed. It’s these things that are so easily here today and gone tomorrow. These are my golden years, and I want to enjoy them for what they are so I can look back and say I never wasted a second. 

Saturday was an extremely beautiful day, leading to a good chunk of us early birds sitting outside and basking in the slight breeze. A welcome change from the lingering summer temperatures. The laziness of the day continued when we first arrived in the studio, literally laying on the floor by the little block windows, basking in the morning sun like a group of kittens. Moments like those are my favorite. (Obviously as soon as people started showing up we started stretching and getting ready for barre, laziness only lingering so long before plies kicked it out.) 

It’s moments like arriving early to my class and getting to see bits of the class before me. Seeing these girls work so hard and improve right in front of your eyes. seeing them conquer things that are difficult for me with ease, partially because they don’t yet know to be afraid. 

It’s moments like when a friend who graduated walks in the door of the studio, there for the holiday and taking class with you again, making the world feel a little more right and hearing all their stories from the college life. 

It’s helping the newer girls with the faster combination and having a flashback to when you were the one needing help and the girl in the pointe shoes made it look so easy and wanting to be like her some day, only to realize that some day was now. And I’m not the best in the world by far, but to them I was possibility. How cool is that? I never want to forget how that feels or why I do what I do. 

Also Mrs Alex said my pirouettes looked good so that’s exciting, even though I couldn’t land it in fourth like we were supposed to, hahaha. 

So anyway. Yay ballet! 

Yesterday I got to see a friend I haven’t seen in 12 years. 

12 years. 

I was 14 when I met her. Just put that into perspective there. 

Anyway, she came into town and was able to pop over to where I was for a conference and hang out for half an hour. Not near enough time to catch up on everything, but more than we’ve had in a very long time. 

It was so great to hear where life has taken her. We met in speech and debate class, being the two Christians in a very perverted environment (still an environment with many great and wonderful people regardless) so even though I only had her a year, she still watched out for me and made sure I made the transition from private/Christian school into the belly of the public school world alright. 

Her class had many talented people in it, and twelve years later she’s the one with the theater career. Which is kinda funny, considering she’s not the one we really would have hands down known for sure she would be this successful. Always talented, for sure, but like. The ones we thought were shoe ins aren’t in the industry. We both kind of laughed about this. (It makes me even more proud of her, honestly.) 

She began ballet and tap classes in January and has loved getting into them! I, of course, loved hearing that she was getting into dance and loving it so much. She told me yesterday that I was a real inspiration into her taking the plunge. 

Me? An inspiration to her? 

Like, shouldn’t it be the opposite way around? 

I’m just a little ol’ nobody chasing a “pointless” dream because it’s my life and I can. It’ll never be my career or anything more than fun, really, and some see it as a waste of time. (That’s another blog post for another day.) but she’s telling me that little ol’ me is inspiring her, who has the impressive resume and talent and has made a career of what she loves. 

I still can’t seem to find words to accurately describe what it meant to me to hear her say that. Like. How cool is that? 

Yesterday I posted a picture I took after class Wednesday. It’s a little rough, but I posted it anyway because it wasn’t rough enough to hide away. This is all a progress anyway, we strive for perfection but will never attain it. It was met with largely positive feedback from my friends and even some strangers, but then I started noticing the influx of “likes” it was getting. This meant the inevitable. 

Hateful comments. 

The first one wasn’t so much hate as it was sort of a dig on themselves. It made me laugh, nonetheless. Then I started getting those comments where it was people tagging their friends, either in the picture I posted or my last video (from about a month ago.) I posted a picture today of the picture yesterday with a side by side of a “fail” picture, just for kicks. That’s when I got my first real hate comment. 

“She is big and fat.”

I could just block these. Or delete them. Or ignore them. Instead, I choose to respond. Because the internet isn’t just this fast thing run by robots. Instagram accounts are of real people (mostly, you know what I mean.) with real lives who can see and read the comments you leave. Even in another language, they can translate it and see what you’re saying. So I commented on how I can see what she’s saying. And how she probably didn’t realize that I have health issues that hinder me from losing weight, or how I used to be anorexic which essentially threw me into these health issues. I made reference to her description that says “always be yourself, unless you can be a unicorn. Then always be a unicorn.” By saying that unicorns don’t leave hate like that, unicorns are kind and all this other stuff. 

I didn’t let it get to me, though. Thankfully the internet wasn’t as advanced when I was younger as it is now. Back then it may have eaten at me, or fueled the fire, but now I realize theirs more to life than trying to fill the opinions of strangers, and even so there’s only so much of my life I can control. There’s only so much I can do about my size. And that’s okay. I can only be the best version of myself. Anything more than that is unrealistic and exhausting. 

To that one negetive comment, I’ve had at least five positive and extremely encouraging ones, including this one from a new friend. 

I’d be lying if I said this didn’t make me smile like a fool by myself and heart to feel warm. 

This is what it’s about. Working hard, doing our best, being real and true to ourselves. Kindness is free. And really, what better way to greet the world? 

Think of your worst day you’ve had. How hard it was, how much you cried, how you contemplated giving up. Now think of how it could have been improved upon if you just had someone there. Someone to remind you of your value, of how much you have to offer the world. Someone to encourage you to give it one more try. That it’s okay to cry and be sad, as long as you don’t stay there too long. If we could be that to someone, why wouldn’t we? If we can bring encouragement, why would we hold that back? I know I’m not the first person to start ballet as an adult, and I won’t be the last. I know that it’s a struggle some days, but now that I’m past the brunt of that the beginning brings, why would I not encourage other people that fighting for what your heart longs for is worth it? 

We have two newer girls in our adult ballet class, and seeing the light in their eyes as they asked me about getting en pointe and what to work on inspires me. To them, I was goals, I was possibility. I may never be a professional dancer, on a stage for hundred, inspiring people to be like me, but on Wednesday I was the inspiration for those two, showing them it’s possible, showing them it’s not too late, showing them dreams aren’t pointless. 

And honestly, when my life flashes before my eyes right before I die, things like this will be counted amongst some of my greatest achievements. 

Today marks perhaps the fondest day in all current ballet dancers hearts, the day we celebrate ballet around the world. 

(Hence the name. Obvi.)

I won’t get to watch as much today as I have the past years, which makes me sad, but it’s okay. 

The first year they did this, I streamed it on YouTube and kept up in the comments section, talking about the variation they were working on, which dancer was which, complimenting leotard styles, and even having some ballet greats pop in and talk with us. It was pretty great! 

But the greatest of all for me was the forming of #teampotato when we decided that, in comparison, we were no more than dancing potatoes. (I tweeted it and Misha liked it. So that’s cool.) 

The second year, I happened upon many of the original #teampotato members, and we inducted a few new ones, brainstorming ideas of having some sort of meet up and all taking a class together. 

This year, I happened to be woken up at 4am local time, but remembered the date and turned on the livestream. At the same time, one of the original members messaged me from Australia, and we made our own little chat since it’s streaming differently this year. I just sat back and really took in the moment and how cool this day is and the friends I’ve met, and kept, since the inaugural year. How cool is it that I have real friends in Australia and Singapore and France and Holland and Finland and Estonia and so many other places, some exclusively due to world ballet day, and some since I made my blog public. 

They have become some of my greatest friends, truly. It’s cool to see the support we genuinely have for each other in our endeavors on different parts of the planet, and how we really aren’t all that different even though our countries aren’t the same. It’s something I deeply treasure. (So, thank you, my lovely dears you!) 

My streaming is limited currently, but that’s okay. Because I know right now someone is in ballet class, someone is rehearsing, and today that tons of people are tuning in to a stream of it, hearts full and inspired. 

I stepped outside this morning to this 

And realized while this is what I saw, this was also going on similtaneously 

(Royal ballet) 

How cool is that? 

With everything as difficult as it’s been lately, even as recent as last night, it’s nice to have a sort of jump start to remind you why you fight for this. To make you feel in your heart what it is that makes you pull on those tights and shoes and go out there and work to be better. 

I know I’ll never be anything close to these people I see today, not physically at least. But I can learn and glean and get as close as physically possible. To do that, for me, is to have success. To never give up, even when it’s hard and overwhelming. 

I had a dear friend here at home remind me last night that this is a privilege. To remember the days even this was still a dream. I may be blinded by the difficulties and complications, but this is all so much more than that. This is about something deep in my soul that doesn’t rest until I try again; until I give it everything I have. 

I think of my life, of the last five years. I see the girl in class last night who began the same journey I began that day, I see where it’s brought me and the potential she has. I think of how vastly different my life would be without dance. I mean, would I even have friends? What would I do with my life? 

I look through all of this and I smile. 

I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. 
Keep working. Keep striving. Keep inspiring. Whether you’re an adult beginner, or a principal at a well known company. Keep being true to yourself.