Author: Emilee

Yesterday’s class was hands down the best I’ve had so far.
It was ironic, because it was largely made up of three-year-olds, but I think that helped in it’s own odd way. Plus, the two five-year-olds we had are the quiet and respectful two, so it worked out nicely.

Abarrane has proved to be a complete asset to the class. Having her presence there to help keep the kids in line is a large factor in the classes being so successful.
Abarrane, you’re the bomb. For real. Thank you for volunteering to help me this summer, and for being so great with the kids. I love having this summer with you!

It was also the biggest class I’ve had yet, with twelve kids all together. One of them was new, but you wouldn’t know it by how well she did. She is very intelligent and picks up really quickly. I really hope she comes back, we loved having her!
There’s a little one in the Wednesday class who tends to remember more of the proper names for things than the others. Yesterday, I was going with it to see how much she could retain and attempt. Home girl was even able to say works like “echappe” and “grand battement” without me saying them first. I was shocked. Plus, her legs are already perfect ballet legs. The muscle tone is sculpted, (as much as it can be for a 3.5 year old) her legs are slightly hyperextended, and her arches are beautiful. When she goes up into releve and gets to that full demi-pointe, it makes me want to cry at how beautiful it is. And she’s so nonchalant about it. I love it.

The kids are starting to grasp some of the things that seem more complicated for them, which makes me happy to see. They’re also getting better at following the rules, like staying in line and waiting their turn. This is harder with these younger ages as they aren’t in school yet and don’t have this kind of expectation anywhere else but in class. It’s great to see them understanding.

Overall, the class left me feeling really happy. And proud of these little ones.

Matthew taught our Adult Ballet, which made me really happy.
(And I forgot to get a picture again. Next week, Matthew.)

I was really glad because it was some of the stuff that you find in the basis of ballet that I am still really rough on. It gave me a chance to work on it without having to modify down or be obviously working hard on it. It was just part of the class. I appreciated that. He also explained where your weight is supposed to be in a way I had never heard before. From what points of the feet should be on the ground on flat and in demi, to where you should hold your weight in different positions, I found it helped me immensely. He also helped us with our spotting, which I always struggle with. I was able to implement corrections I have gotten from Mrs. Alex and Mrs. Munro as well about where I hold my arms and straightening my knee along with the spotting to better my pique turns as well as my pirouettes. I’m still working on my jetes, but I’m at least getting higher off the ground. Now it’s about working on getting the legs to split in air like they can on the ground.
A constant work in progress.
Matthew also explained the 8-corner system they use in Vaganova style teaching that completely rocked my world in the best way possible. Directions is something I’ve been wanting to better understand all year, and the 8-corner way of thinking helped some things to click. My mind was blown and my heart is grateful.

(Thanks for the great class, Matthew!)

I got my new Eleve in the mail and it is beautiful.

 

I didn’t get a picture of the back yet, but it is incredible. The colors work so well together, which makes me happy since it was sort of a shot in the dark. Typically id go with a blue instead of the pink, but I wanted to not go with what I normally do. And I love it.

It’s an Isabel style leotard. Here are the specifics

If you can see that top left corner 😂

I also got in my new skirt from Flic Flac, which I was a little nervous about because I hadn’t taken into consideration the over wrap length. But she makes them with a tie that has a bit of stretch to it, making it absolutely perfect. I was also nervous about the length, since skirts tend to not look so great on me, but this is the perfect length to show the muscle tone in my legs while covering up the necessary things. I dance without a skirt in the level classes, but in adult I fee the need to cover up a bit more. Plus I can. So.

I’ll definitely be ordering more once I have some extra money to do so. I hope it’s soon since they’re handmade and take a bit of time, as well as the shipping time from across the pond. But hands down my new favorite skirts.

(Check out her etsy page here.)

A great day indeed.

Abarrane helped me take pictures of me feet in shoes to send to the lady on the forum for evaluation on my shoes. I’m hoping to do that tomorrow or Saturday when I have some time.

I like that I’m excited about ballet again. A nice high among many lows.

Ps. Got a picture with my friend Sara! She came back yesterday for more 😊 it’s so great dancing with her again!

Week two of summer has begun, and yesterday’s class yielded ten little ones.

Thankfully, my dear friend Abarrane offered to help me with my classes, so it was less like herding cats and more like actual ballet.
So much so that I ran out of things to do since I hadn’t gotten that far before and they were all eager. I need to reassess and come up with a more detailed and specific game plan for them, maybe even get into the specifics of what is proper technique rather than just trying to get them to do something. (Abarrane, you’re my hero.)

The great thing with this class is the parents aren’t shy about popping their heads in and getting after their kid. They let me try to get them into order, but if they keep goofing off, they get onto them. It’s a beautiful thing. I need to think of a clearer way to explain things to the ones that have English as their second language. I try to make things as visual as possible so they can grasp it a bit more, but in such a large class it’s a little more difficult. But I have hope. Also, you don’t realize how many big words you use until you say “(bear with me as I try to remember the word. Just know it did not sound like what she thought. Which made it even better.)” and the dancer thinks you said “cake.”

There’s never a dull moment.

I waited around for the Adult Ballet class and tried to utilize the empty studio to my advantage photo-wise, though I was sort of limited on what all I could get since I didn’t have that many surfaces to place my phone on. There’s something serene about sitting alone in an empty studio with the sunlight coming through the windows that settles your anxious heart.

Ms. Munro taught our class, and my friend Sara from Instep came to take a class. It was really great having another Instepper in there with me. It was like a collision of two worlds–two of my favorite worlds–in the best way possible. Sara hadn’t taken a class in two years, yet kept up really well. Ms. Munro seemed impressed with her, which was cool. And made me pretty proud.

Ms. Munro complimented me a few times in class for various things, and has been correcting my pique turns and the way my feet slide back into first in things like tendus and degages. I didn’t start to feel sick until the very end of class when we were doing jete’s across the floor, and even then it wasn’t that bad. The one time Ms. Munro saw my jete she seemed to see improvement, which made me feel good since my jete’s are rough. Past that, she was watching Sara, which I was a-okay with.

I sewed my new shoes, but hadn’t broken them in yet. I took some pictures in them to send to the lady for evaluation, but think I want to get some in my dead shoes too for comparison. Maybe I’ll do that Wednesday, or tonight if I can.

Before I know it, I’ll blink and summer classes will be over. It’s so much fun and I love it so much. I hope I can find a way to be able to still teach classes during the school year, while juggling tax season madness, which is bound to get more insane the more I learn.

If you follow my instagram, I’ll be posting some of the pictures I took with the empty studio here in the upcoming days.

(If you don’t, it’s anothernightatthebarreofficial
Long name. But the other one was already taken so I had to make it work. hehe)

I hope y’alls classes are going really well. I hope you’re learning and improving and remembering that feeling that makes you come alive when you’re there. I hope you never stop trying to be better, and always believe in yourself. And when you’re struggling to, let me know and I’ll give you a good pep talk.

 

❤

Today was my second summer class, though the third for those doing the complete intensive. 

I had a baby class which had 8 kids in it–more 3 year olds than Monday–which went well enough. Surprisingly better than Monday, even though most of Monday’s were a bit older. 

One of the little ones kept running around, which lead the others to follow, but her dad came in and got onto her which made my life so much better. (God bless the parents who give their kids boundaries and enforce rules.) 

My favorite little one was there again. I’m so glad to have her in both classes. Even though she is new to this language, and she’s super young, she keeps rather focused and does relatively well. She’s a little ray of sunshine. I love her so much. 

I made it through, hopeful that maybe I can get an assistant (how about it Abarrane?) it’d be a much more efficient class if there were someone to help rope in the ones that stray. 

There was one little girl who was crying and didn’t want her mom to leave, but she was really sweet and actually very into ballet once she got into it and felt a little more safe. She was really sweet. 

I have a few names to learn, and chances are as soon as I learn them the summer will be over. But there’s something about being called by name that makes a difference. It matters. It shows that you matter. 

I waited for our class and read a really neat article posted in an adult ballerina Facebook page I’m part of about a dancer who has chronic pain in her leg. She details the struggle she faces every moment of every day, and describes so beautifully how ballet helps you have a bit of an escape from a world that causes you so much pain. 

(That top paragraph.)

(Here’s the article!)

I like how she describes the way class keeps your mind busy to help you forget about the overwhelming way life can bear down on you. How even though sometimes you feel it during class, you fight it for the further goal. 

Ms Munro taught class tonight, and it went really well. My friend Alex from the leveled classes was in it, which made me really happy, and the new girl we had last week came back! Brand new. Never taken ballet before, and holding up decently enough! 

Ms Munro gave me a few compliments. I don’t particularly remember what on, but I remember being slightly surprised that she was actually speaking to me. But she was, by name, a few “nice, Emilee!” ‘s here and there. One I do remember was when she saw my balance in back attitude. I’ve struggled with balancing often, but I was able to actually hold it. 

I feel like in Adult, I’m able to focus more on the technique of the moment instead of simply the flare. I can think about where my head is supposed to be. I can think about straight knees and closing in fifth. I can think about pointing my foot and making sure all five toes are on the floor when I close. I can pay attention. I can think through every movement. I can try harder. 

Ms Munro also gave me corrections–to pique onto a completely straight knee, to plié before I do many things. They were new corrections. It was nice. 

After class, she complimented my leotard, and told me that I was looking really well. She said my epaulment and my placement and presenting looked really good. Which. Like. Never happens. I mean maybe to other people, but never me. And never after class to me directly. It was really cool. And made me feel really good. 

Adult makes me feel really good. I can take time to breathe and think and try. 

My stomach was hurting really badly during and after class. It typically doesn’t feel all that great but this time it was a bit extreme. I thought about walking out but I didn’t want to do that. It’s only an hour long, but today it felt like much, much longer. 

It was a great class. The other dancers were so light hearted and kind and we all tried hard and did our best. It just left me feeling really good after, in spite of feeling like crap internally. These are my favorite. 

The adult class is a bit intimidating, though, and I didn’t get any pictures of me in my eleve. I felt dumb asking anyone to take it, though I could have even had Ms Munro take it. But I chickened out. Hopefully I can get some pictures later. 

(I did get this one in my bathroom mirror though.)

I still wish I could slim down a little, but I know I don’t have much control over that right now. It’s frustrating. But I can only do so much. Especially with food hating me. I wish I could figure out how to help this, but it seems it of my control for right now. 

I’m not gonna dwell on it. It only makes me feel worse about something I can’t control. 

So I’m gonna think of adorable tiny baby ballerinas and compliments from Ms Munro. 

And my dog. Cause she’s cute. 

Here she is asleep. Hehehe 

Yesterday kicked off our Summer classes at the studio.

They offer an intensive with classes in the morning and evening, and alternating on days. (So, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, the ballet is in the morning and Tuesday and Thursday it’s in the evening, with classes like musical theatre, jazz, character, etc sprinkled throughout as well.) They have a few baby classes–mornings on Tuesday and Thursday and evenings on Monday and Wednesday–and adult classes on Monday and Wednesday in the evening.

My baby classes are the evening ones (Andie has them in the mornings) which coincides with the adult classes. I’m really glad they do, because that was the class I was looking into taking. I think it’ll be better for me to work on perfecting what I know, rather than trying to throw new and complex things at me. If I have a good basis of what I’m doing, I’ll be able to do the complex things better when they’re thrown at me.

If I told you I wasn’t nervous leading up to yesterday, I’d be lying. I’d be lying a lot. I just wanted to get through the day so I would have all the firsts over with and know what to expect. I felt awkward and a bit scared, but I knew I’d be okay if I could just do it.
My boss let me off early, which was unexpected, so I got there really early. As I sat in the parking lot killing time, I wanted to run. To just leave.

Why am I here? Why do I do this? What keeps bringing me back? I could have so much more time if I didn’t do this. I could get so many things done. Who am I kidding?

Then I thought of all the things I’m fighting.
A good majority of people I interact with know that I get sick sometimes, but I don’t know that they really grasp the severity. Mostly because I don’t think I grasp the severity. Since I don’t have a diagnosis, I tend to just play it off as nothing much to  save face for if I were to ever get diagnosed and it be something simple. What if it’s just IBS? What if it’s my own negligence? But I’ve done everything I can to try and find an answer, and though some things have lead to temporary relief, I’ve yet to find a permanent solution.
I’m sick. Everyday, almost all day now. It’s weird for me to have a time when I don’t feel nauseous. Or exhausted. And if I stop long enough to truly let myself feel it, it can be rather overwhelming. And I know people use those words often, that they’re exhausted, and whose to say that they’re not? But this is falling-asleep-at-my-desk-if-I-stop-for-too-long exhausted. This is moving-hurts exhausted. This is driving-home-is-kinda-scary exhausted. This is I-can’t-do-anything-else-because-I-don’t-have-it-in-me exhausted. It makes using my core difficult sometimes. I know that there are better ways to do things, I know how to do them better, I just can’t all the time without risking repercussions.
Then there’s the issue with my right leg being longer. It causes knee pain which keeps me from doing jumps. It hinders my plie into anything which makes my jete’s look like a joke and certain pirouettes difficult. It causes my hips to constantly be uneven, making it near-impossible to stay square. This gets particularly comical during chaines, as the platforms of my box are at two different levels, which makes you feel pretty defeated. The hip pain can be pretty intense, too. Then it causes two small curves in my back, making balancing complicated since I have to counteract the curve, and differently depending on which side it is. Then there’s the calcified whiplash in my neck and the nerve damage near my left knee both from a car wreck two weeks after I began dancing.
And now my Achilles has decided it wants to give me issues, but I think its largely because the longer leg doesn’t get to fully stretch the Achilles like the shorter leg does when I’m dancing.

But I have to keep going.
I have to keep pushing through.
Dancing is the only time that I have found that most classes I can forget about my stomach, though I am reminded more of my back issues. And sometimes my stomach bothers me so much I can hardly make it through. But most classes I can push through to where that’s not what I remember about class.
I keep showing up because if I don’t, I’m still gonna feel bad, so I  might as well try.

Sitting in the office waiting for class yesterday, I wasn’t sure what I was going to feel. But then one of the Directors came in, hugged me, and asked me how my summer has been. She was thrilled to hear all about Kansas and how great things have been lately. She told me I wasn’t allowed to marry a Kansas boy and move away because I have them, and they love me. (Not in those exact words, it was more of a reaction to me telling her my aunt wants to find me a guy so I can move up there and she saying, “But wait, you can’t go, you have us and we aren’t in Kansas!” and me saying how I told my aunt, “But I have a house” and she saying “and a studio that loves you” or something like that. Anyway.)

There may be plenty of things I don’t understand, but it was pretty cool to know that they care about me there. That they were glad to have me in the adult class.
I felt at home.

The babies were adorable, though a few are crazy at times. It’d be nice to have an assistant to reel in the couple of crazies I have, but I don’t know if I’ll get that luxury so I’ll do my best without. A few of them were really into it and actually showed improvement while we were there. A few had taken class before and were thrilled to be my “helpers.” (And they really were. I was grateful.) I have a little girl from the Ukraine, which I absolutely love. I want to keep her forever. She’s one of the youngest in the class, but actually kept up very well.

Adult Ballet went really well. I was nervous and unsure of how it would all go, but they’re all so very kind and I didn’t feel like an outsider. It felt good to do the movements and I loved hearing Mrs. Alex’s explanations in different ways than we hear in V’s. I did this class on flat, partly because I haven’t sewn my new shoes, but mainly because I wanted to see what my Achilles would do. I was also grateful to be next to a lady who was really good at epaulment, which helped me try harder and also see what it should look like and be able to imitate it. Just being surrounded by positivity and being in that overall atmosphere is enough to make you a better dancer. Mrs. Alex complimented me a few times, once on my feet even, and it was nice to have that bit of affirmation.

Most of all, it was nice to be among such incredible people.
They dance because they want to dance. They don’t take a single class lightly. They put their all into this and strive to be better. They give 110% every class, every movement. And it was really beautiful to watch, as well as encouraging.

Hopefully the rest of the summer goes well. My next class is tomorrow, where I’ll have the babies and then Ms. Munro is teaching. It should be great!

I had planned to attend the class we have offered to us tonight.
My dance clothes are even in my car.
I have set aside time to blog about the inevitable good it will do for me.

But I just can’t bring myself to go.

The funk is strong with this one, and even though I know dance will be good for me, and it’s been a week since I’ve been, I just don’t know that I can bring myself to go today.

I don’t want to have to be “on.” To have to care about how my actions are interpreting to the people around me, and on dance days like this, it is a bit more complex. I never know what I’m gonna get. If people will care and ask questions or if they’ll leave me alone.

And right now, I don’t have any answers. I don’t have any definitions to help me explain what is going on inside.

It’s all I can do to get myself out of bed. To head to work and keep it together. To keep my brain from going crazy trying to make sense of it all, or ignoring it and stuffing it down again.

I don’t have answers. I don’t have solutions. I don’t have much of anything at this point. But I have the opportunity to give myself time just be. To not have to figure it out right away.

I find these times to be the best times of expression for me. I tend to get the most creative, write the best poems, create the best paintings/artwork. They aren’t great, but they’re the best for me. The kind that truly gets out what is haunting me inside.

So I think I’m going to skip dance, head to the closest Starbucks, and just read. Or write. Or whatever.
Just be.

I realized while in Kansas that my instagram has surpassed 200 followers! So if you are one of those 200+, I thank you! I’ve met some of the most incredible people through expanding my blog and making it an instagram account. I’ve been inspired by several people and am pushing myself farther than I ever expected. It’s cool to hear from other people who are dealing with the same things you are, who have been where you are and can lend advice, and even people who tell you that you inspired them. How cool is that? I’m a little ol’ nobody from a tiny town in Texas, yet there’s this community I’m part of that stretches across oceans and continents.
Thank you, my friends, for your support and love and encouragement. I’m a better person for knowing each of you.

My family lives in Kansas near the Missouri border and my cousin is getting married tomorrow, so we drove up on Thursday (through terrible storms and tornado warnings) for this momentous occasion. 

My sister and I planned to do a bit of shopping Friday since the outlet malls are literally a five minute drive from my aunts house. I had heard that Eleve, a dancewear company, had one shop and it was in downtown Kansas City, so I brought it up to her. I wasn’t 100% sure we would get to go, but she made it happen. 

Guys. Its leotard heaven. 

The website is really great about having details on how to get to their shop. They tell you the address, as well as where their parking lot is. There are signs showing you you’re in the right place, but even if there weren’t, the directions online are enough to get you there. 

The store front is actually a furniture store of some kind, and Eleve is off to the back part on the side street. There’s a sign there instructing you to press the buzzer on the left and if it didn’t open the door to call them and someone would answer and let you in. 

I pressed the buzzer. It didn’t work. So I called. They were really nice about helping us get in. You walk two flights of stairs (I guess it’s technically just one flight? Whatever.) and you come to this heavy metal door 

It felt like we were in some super fancy fashion district or something. 

You open the door and ta-da! You’ve entered heaven. 

​

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(Featuring my sister.) 

We were greeted by a nice lady who showed us where everything was. On the right is all the leotards. She showed us what was the kids section, and on the left is the longer skirts and specialty things. 

After taking a second to realize this is reality, I got to looking. 

I was nervous that they might not have much in my size already made. I often get nervous going into big named dance places, afraid I’ll be judged as I don’t look like a dancer. When I confessed this to a friend she told me, “be a swan, not a chicken!” I held to that and went for it. Obviously I’m grateful I did. 

On the right side, they had a row of mediums on top, a row of large on bottom, a top and bottom row of skirts–patterned then solid–a top and bottom row of smalls, and then a top and bottom of kids sized leotards and skirts. 

On the left side was the men’s section, along with the longer skirts and other various things. 

I found two leotards I really loved and decided to try them on. I was still nervous they wouldn’t quite fit. The measurements are perfect everywhere but my hips, which fluctuate anyway. I held my breath and went for it. 

And they were perfect. And I was so happy. 

I tried on a skirt, since they’re similar styles to the ones that are currently all the rage at my studio. Super cute, but they way they’re cut made me too nervous that they’d make my hips look worse to take the risk and spend the money on one. I was right. It fit, but when it inevitably found its way to my waist instead of hips, it looks awkward. Which was great to know! I’ll stick to wrap skirts. But these would be super cute on my friends. And they’re a great price and coordinate with the leotards. 

These are the two I got 😍😍😍

The lady that helped us came forward coincidentally at the perfect time. 

The way the layout works, the sewing machines are behind the front wall, if you will, and behind the stand alone wall is where they keep all the fabrics in organized bins. It’s also where they cut all the fabrics. 

She introduced herself as Jessica, the one who had responded to my email asking if they were closed for Memorial Day, and was shocked that I was ready so quickly. I told her I had creeped the website and knew was I was looking for. 

She was really nice and rang me up, then told me about the 10% off they were offering currently. I told her I was from Texas and my aunt lives close so we came by and she told us how she loved when people came from out of town, especially how they’d post somewhere about it and all their friends would be jealous. (Hey friends 😉) I told her about my blog and how I definitely had loads of friends who wished they were also there. She told me that if I wanted to make a custom order, doing so in store cuts productions time to two weeks instead of six weeks if you were to order online. So of course I wanted to. She showed me where the different fabrics were and told me to take a look around. 

Emily was back there, working on a few things, and was also nice as can be. They were focused. And it made me feel at home. 

I decided on a Sally with 

On top and a lipstick pink on bottom. 

I’m so excited. 

Jessica finished ringing us up, and told me I’d also qualify for tax free (I don’t know how but I’ll take it) (I think that’s what she said at least. Anyway, it was a slick discount) on top of 10% off and free shipping. I was on cloud nine. 

She wrapped it all up for me, gave me their card, and I was so elated I almost went into a bathroom instead of the exit door. 

I posted about it on Instagram, to which they liked and commented. 

They’re such an incredible company, and the quality of their leotards is top notch. Plus the fit is fabulous. I’m so happy, y’all. 

(You should check them out if you get the chance.) 

I still can’t believe I got to go, and I’m so excited for my custom order to come in as well. Nothing but love and respect for Eleve. (My phone isn’t doing the little accent mark. Ugh.)

I’m at my aunt’s house which essentially is like a Jane Austen novel come to life. 

I also took this picture, which I had taken before in September of 2014. 

And now my family is back and I’m gonna spend time with them 😊

Enjoy!

I hesitated for a while about making my blog more public. It’s never really been a private thing, being that it is on the Internet, but I never really told many people about it either. Somehow, word started picking up, or google searches happened, or something, and I started noticing an uptick in views. People from different places all over the world were coming to read my words.

Why? What do I have to say that other people would actually care to read? I’m sure much of it is long, drawn out, and boring. Heck, most of the views may have just been from spam sites or something.

But then I started getting comments.  People were pausing to take time to tell me their thoughts or their stories.

I decided to take the next step and give it a .com. The name inspired by a shirt I found, I transferred over here to WordPress, made an Instagram and Facebook page, and just let the interwebz do its thing.

Now I’m not internet famous or anything, but I do get hits on the site. Some for more than I’d ever imagine. I hardly know how to navigate this new domain like I did my old one, but it doesn’t seem to hold it back much. I’ve had a few posts that blew up like the time I went to So You Think You Can Dance?’s tour or the time I got to go again. Or even the time I won a pointe shoe fitting through Capezio. These are interesting topics, though, and therefore cause wide interest. A few of my Swan Lake posts garnered a bit of attention, which really meant a lot to me.

I started hearing from these people I’ve never met who had followed my story and cheered me on. And even as recent as my most recent post, one I didn’t think would matter much, one I almost didn’t even post, I’ve had positive feedback and encouragement. One from a favorite dance mom from our studio offering advice on how to find solutions to my pointe shoe problems, another from an instagram friend doing the same, both helping lead me in a direction that looks hopeful in helping me find answers to my problems and knowing where to go from here.

I took a risk making this blog so public. I sacrificed the security in anonymity and the safety in being to fully express like I used to. But what I’ve found is a sense of camaraderie I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I’ve found myself in a community of people just like me, willing to stand beside me and help me chase this dream of mine. I’ve found friendship and people who won’t let me give up when all seems lost and impossible.

And that is a gift that is priceless.

(And now I have a buddy to take class with whenever I can get up to seeing my best friend in Dallas! How cool is that? This introvert is extremely grateful.)

We’ll see where things go from here.

My Dad, sister, and I head to Kansas tomorrow for my cousins wedding this weekend. Hoping to get to go by the Eleve Dancewear store in Kansas City while we’re there. Doing things like this always makes me a bit nervous as I feel I’m judged for not being a “typical dancer type.” I’ve gotten quite a bit of backlash in the past and found myself with an underlying fear of it. Still, I need to be a swan, not a chicken, and just go for it. Screw the haters and prove I’m just as capable. And give myself room for learning. I may not be where I want to be, but I’m quite farther than where I started.

Give yourself a break, Emilee. Progress takes time.

Sometimes I don’t know how to put into words what a class makes me feel.

I have plenty of words, but I guess they aren’t the ones people really want to hear.
And it has nothing to do with the class itself–that was wonderful. It was the type of class that gives you the good slow basics we need and don’t get enough of. I was absolutely dripping in sweat like I haven’t since the days of my old studio. (Instep, may it rest in peace.) It was a small class, which are also my favorite. Everything about it was wonderful.

But I kept seeing my faults, all the ways I don’t measure up. I kept smacking the giant brick wall of impossibilities square in the face over and over. How much of this can I take before I give up? How much can I actually push “impossible” and expect results? There are unchangeable factors that are out of my control. Short of a miracle, there’s nothing I can do about the fact that my stomach gets sick for no rhyme or reason, and that my legs are different lengths causing loads of issues of its own.

I’m doing what I can to try and alleviate as much of the stomach issue as possible, including recruiting my co-worker to help with my food issues. (hopefully it’s effective)
I go to the chiropractor every other week for my hip/back issues, but really there’s only so much we can do about that. My hips can’t be square en pointe, and it really throws me off. That facet of it is something I’m sure time will help me adjust to, but yesterday I noticed the things I haven’t been doing fully correctly are due to the uneven-ness, and when I fix it, the resounding pain in my shoulder and neck is ridiculous. Not even a sharp pain, just a low, subtle, pressure-y type pain. Like a tension headache versus a piercing one. Not enough to put you out, but just enough to be annoying. But for me these things aren’t just annoying, they’re infuriating. How much can I push this? How much is it worth it?
And what about my shoes? They die too quickly for me to afford them, let alone for how long they take to make. I’m working on strengthening my ankles to help with that, but something has to give. The shank snaps where the ball of my foot hits when I have to do runs or anything on demi, vastly shortening the life of my shoes. It also affects me in trying to promenade. My shoe shifts to no end if I can’t do a firm demi pointe to get around. I need to sew my elastics tighter, but too tight and my feet fall asleep.

How much of this do I really have control over? How much of this is feasible? What will just take time? Should I even keep pursuing pointe? I can’t imagine not, I love it so much, even if it cracks and bruises my toenails. I want to get to a dance store to see if there are any shoes out there that would work better, or ways to make mine last longer or something. One of the principal dancers in our studio has feet similar to mine, so I kinda creep when she gets new shoes to see if they’d work for me as well. She’s tried a few recently, I need to ask her how they’re going for her. I won’t be back in Austin until October, but am going to Houston in July, so I may try and get fitted there and see if anything works. The plus side now is that I actually know how shoes are supposed to feel, whereas before I was going strictly off what people told me. Things can get lost in translation pretty easily. It’s one of things you have to feel to really know.

I just can’t imagine my life without ballet now. It keeps me sane, really. It makes me feel alive. I love it so much. Why can’t my body just cooperate and conform to it? Why are all these years and classes not translating like I need them to? What else do I need to do?
I’m trying to rework how I manage my time to fully benefit me instead of just getting by. There are too many things that I just can’t sit back and ignore anymore. If you want something to change you have to have action attached to it.

So, I’m feeling all the feels and trying to navigate through all of the things in my way. Evaluating what’s before me and how to go about handling it. I guess we’ll see where it takes me.

 

Today I drove almost an hour to see two of my baby’s last recitals before they move. 

(Keep in mind that one of these “babies” is in my class. And way better than me. So.)

They take classes at our studio, and also a smaller studio that is actually comprised of studios in three different small, local towns. I think I actually might have taken my first ballet classes when I was 6 at one of them, but I am not sure. Anyway. 

Their recital was themed Peter Pan, with every dance going along the lines of the greater story. 

It was really cool being on the outside in. We performed Nutcracker at this small town, high school theater this last year, as well as Wizard of Oz last spring. I was inundated with memories of these past shows, all while knowing the end of this one would mean saying goodbye to one of my favorite families of all time. 

I was actually really impressed with how good all of these girls feet are. Every single one of them looked good in their shoes. I was told that they dance in their shoes almost the entire class, putting them on earlier than we do. And you can see the difference. 

Everything else was about as much as you would expect from a small town on a tiny stage. It’s amazing how you see the same things no matter where you go. There’s the tiny adorable little ones, there’s the obvious stand outs, there’s the ones that work super hard and would have serious potential in the right hands. Then there’s kids that you could judge one way or another, then you hear their story and are completely shocked. There’s the kids you wouldn’t believe have only been dancing as long as they have based on their skill, or there’s no way they’re that young because they light up that stage. (Or can’t believe they’re that young because they’re so dang tall.) 

I found myself studying the feet of each girl, gleaning what I could from how each of them danced, whether it was good or not so good. You can learn from each person. How do they get that high in their jetes? What is it they’re doing that makes the line look cut? Do I do that? And if so, how can I keep my line from being cut like that? These sort of things. 

You can learn a lot if you let yourself. 

My favorite part was seeing how these dancers completely lit up on the stage. They did their darnedest with these complex moves and you could tell they get good doing it, which made it enjoyable to watch. 

I recognized a few faces I didn’t expect to see. Some of my red soldiers from this last years Nutcracker were on stage. One was Michael, one was the Crocodile, another was a fairy and all were in many various different dances. I was able to say hi to one of them, Sarah, and she said, “you remember me?” 

I often find myself getting nervous that people won’t remember me, instead of pushing through that bit of nerves to show them that I remember them. And hearing her say that, it taught me something. Reminded me, rather. I heard myself in her voice. And I was glad I said something. 

I got to hug my babies and take pictures with them. Including this Polaroid 

And I made the ones I knew that I saw sign my program. 

Their mom got all the pictures on her phone, so stay tuned for after she reads the post and sends them to me, and I’ll add them 😊

There was a moment I took a picture with Sarah, the youngest little, but my hair got into my face so I did this hair flip thing before posing for the picture. It hit me like a slap in the face. Like a flash back, but then I was the little and I was hugging the “big kid” I looked up to and wanted to be just like. And I saw her, she did her hair flip before taking the picture, and I was completely in awe. And is go home with a heart full of hope of my future and dreams of what my life could be. And now, here I am, 27 and the roles are flipped. Yet, I’m still very much the 10 year old version of myself. 

I don’t think we ever truly grow up, and I think those that try and stifle their childhood versions of themselves, and shove it down until they can’t see it anymore, are the types that spend the most time trying to define themselves. Maybe they had a terrible childhood. Maybe they didn’t like who they were. Maybe they didn’t know who they were, I don’t know. But I feel like 98.7% of people have the same childlike heart until the age of 6, and if we can remember that version, stay true to that version, we’ll have a more fulfilling life. 

Anyway. I don’t even know if any of that made sense, but whatever. I’m in this really contemplative state. 

The show made me want to come home and work on technique drills. (So I did.) I want to do more, I want to try more, I want to be more, but I feel kinda lost in direction. 

There are many thoughts in my head. Many hopes in my heart. Many questions only time can answer. 

I’ll be posting a Capezio haul sometime this week, hopefully. I’m going to Kansas on Thursday for my cousins wedding. I have class tomorrow (more than likely) and they have class Wednesday but I don’t know if I’ll go seeing that were leaving on our 14 hour drive early in the morning the next day. 

Here’s some pictures I do have, as well as some I snuck during the show ❤️

Goodbyes suck and I miss my girls already. But I was so glad to get to see them dance one more time before they go. And especially to see Sarah dance en pointe for the first time. Theyre coming to visit in June so hopefully I’ll get to see them then. And thankfully technology is a thing so we can keep up with each other. 

This year has had a lot of goodbyes, and left me feeling weird with all the change. I’m eager to get summer going so maybe I can get back into a flow. 

(And every time I see the sign and the elephant and the cookie jar my babies gave me, I’ll smile. They’re always with me.)

(If you’re reading the blog now, congratulations! You read it after Jacie and above are the pictures from her 😂)

It’s funny to me how what I end up writing and how I end up wording things can vary based on how I write it. If its on paper, it’s one thing, if it’s on a computer, it’s another, if it’s types on my phone, it’s a completely other thing. 

Anyway, irrelevant. 

There aren’t classes since its summer, but they are offering a few to the older dancers, just to keep us up on it all. 

The IV’s were invited along, which ended up being good since the class was so much smaller this time. They work hard, too, and focus, so that was really nice. But, of course, it’s gonna be the ones who really want it and work hard who will come to voluntary summer classes. Some of my fellow adult friends were also there, which made me happy to see them. Eloise was the lone VI in the class. 

I thought Matthew would be teaching his class as well, or at least taking it, but he wasn’t which was sad. Though Ms Munro taught, which was good. I like having a good Ms M class. She really grills ya and works with you. I was poorly placed between two good, younger dancers, so I wasn’t seen as much, but I still got corrections and really tried to implement them. It was complicated when I was limited due to ailments. I felt really stupid, but there isn’t much I can really do about it. I wish I could make my left leg grow a quarter inch. Just a quarter inch, that’s all. 

My right hip has been hurting, as well as my right knee. I sat out of one jump sequence, but did the second since it was more glissades than actual changements and stuff. A tiny bit easier on the knees. (Enough to risk.) we learned a new thing, but tough luck to try and type it out. She hardly said the proper term (it had a long name) and there’s no way I could remember it, let alone try to spell it. (Though I do need to learn French, especially since I have a friend in France.) I was able to do it, though, and it had a beat in it. It was actually a fun step, and for the first time I could actually feel myself beating my thighs and not just trying to get the ankles to cross. I still need to work on them, but it felt good to be able to do them. 

I’ve been getting pretty sick again and can’t seem to figure out how to combat it. It was becoming problematic in class and hindering me from doing as much as I should be able to do. I push through so much that I forget that how sick I really am sometimes, and it’s hard to do anything about when doctors keep saying your tests are perfect, and you can’t afford to go for more extensive testing. Food sucks. And it hates me. And it’s a real problem to try and dance if you can’t eat anything without getting sick. And then it makes me dread it. It’s a terrible cycle. Anyway. Some days are better than others and yesterday was just a rough day. I was flubbing up the combinations and my technique started lacking and I couldn’t hold my core right. It was rough. I made it through and did the best I could,  but I know I can do better, and it’s frustrating not being able to do your best. 

Summer schedule is out and the teacher schedule came out yesterday. I will be teaching two 3-5 year old ballet classes this summer, which is really exciting. It can be a hard class to teach since they’re so itty bitty, but it can also be a fun class. As long as you know what you’re getting yourself into, it’s possible to be successful with it. (Plus I’m sure the other teachers who have been here a while are glad to be shot of it.) My boss is letting me leave a little early to make the class on time, which is exceptionally kind of them. I really work for great, supportive people. 

Since the baby classes I have are on Monday and Wednesday, and the advanced summer classes are Tuesday and Thursday, I’m going to do the Adult classes this summer. I’ll be there anyway, and it really is a long way to drive for just 45 minutes. Might as well stay for class. And it’s a long way to go for just one class. Plus, I feel like being in the adult class will help me solidify some of the things I’ve missed out on from moving up the ranks so quickly. I haven’t grown up in this, but I come with a higher maturity than the youngers (by default) making what I lack almost invisible. I should be able to do it, right? Plus they’ve just had more time than me. I feel I should take a step back and work on perfecting what I know before I try to learn more. Plus, having a solid foundation will make learning new things that much smoother. More attainable. 

We’re having Monday classes too, now, so if you’re level IV or higher classes Monday start at 7. We’ll keep having the Wednesday classes as well. 

Summer should be good. I’ve got a funk to work through and health things to try and figure out, but I at least have hope. 

I still get to dance, and that is a good thing. 

Throughout this summer, I’ll really be evaluating my life and what is best for me. I went hard this last year, and I want to be able to get the most out of my days without compromising what’s important. Also without giving up what I love.